Humor Quotes

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

So many books, so little time.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry stiffly. "Yes, sir." "There's no need to call me "sir" Professor." The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?" "Yes." "You called her a liar?" "Yes." "You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?" "Yes." "Have a biscuit, Potter.

I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead." "Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, Go throw your TV set away, And in its place you can install A lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.

Happiness is a warm puppy.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year." "Why?" Isabelle said. "So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.

Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot." "Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" asked Jace. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," said Simon. "I knew we should have left you a rat.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

Love conquers all," Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?" "Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?" "Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane." "They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down." "Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed." Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." ... I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code will be enforced. 4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds. 5. Our football team will win the championship this year. 6. We expect more of you here. 7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen. 8. Your schedule was created with you in mind. 9. Your locker combination is private. 10. These will be the years you look back on fondly. TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. You will use algebra in your adult lives. 2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away. 3. Students must stay on campus during lunch. 4. The new text books will arrive any day now. 5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores. 6. We are enforcing the dress code. 7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon. 8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals. 9. There is nothing wrong with summer school. 10. We want to hear what you have to say.