Humor Husband Wife Funny Quotes

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.


A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.

Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by our mothers, or vice versa.

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.

Some people will hate you for not loving them.

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

The fact that the person who you are sleeping with is also sleeping with another person or other people does not necessarily mean that he or she does not love you. And the fact that you are the only person who someone is sleeping with does not necessarily mean that he or she loves you.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy. 'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance. 'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.

Some people are each holding on to a lover of theirs who no longer loves them and/or who they no longer love, only because they do not want to have a reason or another reason to be jealous of the person who would eventually be their lover if they let go of them.

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

Why do people go to church on Sundays? A question that is very complicated because I know what the answer is supposed to be but I do not really know the answer. . I think people go because it is a kind of tradition . I think some goes because someone told them if tgey do not they might go to hell . Maybe some go to look for a wife or husband ☺ . Maybe some go to church to display their latest designer shoes or handbags . Some goes just to please their Pastor . Some people go to church because they love the music or the preaching . Some goes because of some social reasons and friendship . Some have it in their mind that they will experience the presence of God in the church . Some goes to church because of miracle . Some goes to church when they are expecting something maybe child, comfort, marriage, work etc. . Some felt it is an obligation to give God a day out of the seven days he created Let me tell you that church is not there to entertain you, Ephesians 3:20... there are things going on in the church that some people barely know about. Ask yourself today why do I go to church. I am sure a sincere answer will help you.

Animals tend to be the most sensitive to the supernatural. They're usually the first family members to detect a haunting, followed by the kids, the wife, and the husband, in that order.

Awake! Sun is shining, it’s Saturday morning. I sit up in bed with some stretching and yawning. My beautiful wife, the love of my life, Looks terribly grim and it signals a warning... I ask her, “My darling, what troubles you so?” She goes on to tell me her tale of woe. “I’ve booked a girls’ dinner but I’ve nothing to wear!” And now I must prepare for what she will declare.

I hope she backs down, but my chances are bleak, When I reasonably tell her, “We just went last week!” But she fixes a stare with that world-famous glare, As my fate is confirmed: back to The Husband Chair.

Opposities are married.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Gossiping with Aparna Mahadani is great. I can tell her whatever I want and she won't tell anyone because she never listens to me.

Women come and go. The wives stay.

Happiness knocks on her door every time her husband is not at home.