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Fiction was fine, but real life was the true freak show.

Penny would stop trying. Instead she'd spend time preparing for her future, living in books until the exciting part of her life would begin. Things would matter then. In fact, everything would be different.

You're way too hard on yourself. This analysis and thinking and plotting and figuring out, it's stopping you from living your life,

Fernweh is rooted in pain, or sickness and sadness,” says Gina. “It’s directly translated as ‘far pain’ or ‘far sickness’ as opposed to ‘heimweh’ or ‘homesickness.’ But it’s also longing for the unknown, since the familiar is stifling or challenging. The foreign can seem fantastic, exalted, since its possibilities are infinite. We have no data or experience around it. But once we arrive and the faraway is known and becomes familiar, then what? You’ve got all that energy and longing and possibility that no longer has anywhere to go. It’s got nowhere to be invested, nowhere to live.

Instead she'd spend time preparing for her future, living in books until until the exciting part of her life would begin.

want to live someplace that

Families are a trip,” says Lee. “You think you know them so well that you stay wrong about each other.” It’s true. “It wasn’t until I lived on my own that my mom and dad became these other people to me,” she says.

It was about a crew of powerful moguls and politicians who were set adrift in a spaceship since the planet they were destined for wasn’t where they’d thought it would be. The astrophysicist eggheads they’d left behind had been wrong. These men were the 1 percent of the 1 percent who had abandoned the rest of civilization, and still their billions couldn’t save them. The universe had told them the first no of their lives, and the fight scene was hilarious.

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... I've made peace with the fact that I won't ever make a lot of money, but I make enough to live and eat. The rest goes to your mother. I know you boys think the way I live is depressing and strange, but in art the purpose is in the creation, not the result. Grow as you build. Autotelism. 'Auto' for self and 'telos' for goal. Find joy in the learning, Pablo, not in what it will get you. It took me so much searching to stop searching. Art is fueled by longing but you must learn to want what you have, not get what you want. It's the only way to stop suffering. I pray that you'll know this meaning by the time you're my age.

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A female protagonist made the stories more inspiring than voyeuristic. It was so much fun to write about who you could be. From then on Penny’s stories centered around women and girls. There wasn’t even a special trick. You wrote it exactly as you would for a guy, but you made pain thresholds higher since girls have to put up with more in the world and give them more empathy, which makes everything riskier. Plus, with sci-fi, you set up the rules at the beginning and you could blast it all to kingdom come as long as you did it in a satisfying manner. The fact that Penny could take a class from a published author made the whole communal-living college situation worthwhile.

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Do you enjoy doing anything for the sake of doing it? Life isn’t a destination. It’s the continual practice of doing things that make you wiser and happier. Someday I hope to make the perfect sourdough bread. I want to learn the piano. I’ve made peace with the fact that I won’t ever make a lot of money, but I make enough to live and eat.

Maybe the part of me that had always lived in the past—lived in the what if—could finally stop haunting me like a ghost.