Gate Of The Feral Gods Quotes

Capital punishment means those without the capital get the punishment. ​- ​Executed Prisoner, John A. Spenkelink

I had multiple, passive, low-tier stealth movement abilities that never worked for shit because I traveled with a dinosaur and a talking cat, but I hoped it would help cover my passage now.

Spoiler alert. Nobody is going to read your autobiography disguised as a space vampire and minotaur romance. You and every other half-wit out there with a nearby Starbucks and a laptop is writing the same bile. What you’re really doing is inadvertently live-blogging the story of human mediocrity,

Ever since that first monkey looked up into the sky and saw something twinkling up there, you meat puppets have tried to force twenty pounds of existential meaning into a ten pound sack of chaos.

Orthrus. The most loveable hell-hound on this side of Alpha Centauri. The left side is for sniffin’ and the right side is for lickin’ and that pink belly of his? It’s for kissin’.

A distant part of me was alarmed at this attitude. But this was war, and there was no use pretending like it wasn’t.

You know what, Carl? I’ve decided something,” Donut said, finally speaking. She released Mongo, who squawked and started investigating this strange, new world. “Yeah, Donut?” “I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.

This inn only employed a single prostitute, a woman changeling named Juice Box,

You could take a terrible situation and still find moments of peace, even joy. I needed to be reminded that was possible, and the game console did exactly that.

You keep destroying governmental buildings, Carl,” Donut said. “People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.

Target any healers within range” or “Target anyone who thinks it’s okay to put mayonnaise on hotdogs.

Puppies shouldn’t ever share a world with pain. Yet here we are. Thanks, earth culture.

The next achievement came in the AI’s creepy, I’m-touching-myself-and-smoking-a-cigarette voice. New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy.

My safe word is, "Harder. Daddy.

Hey, Donut. If we were back home, you’d finally be able to knock that vase off the high shelf.” “That thing was a menace, Carl. It was haunted.

At least you two are back together now,” Donut said. “And you got a nice box out of it. I know you find it unpleasant, Carl. But you being stubborn about this is causing everything to be more dangerous. We have to kill these things anyway, so if the AI wants you to kill in a certain way, I don’t see why it matters. This is just like one of those agility courses that Miss Beatrice used to insist I complete at all the regional cat shows. I did not like doing it, and I never ribboned of course, but I knew if I did well, I would get an extra brushing that evening. We are all prostitutes in one way or another, I suppose.

Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.

Tracked All-Terrain Suicide Machine. The Royal Chariot – Contraption. If a snowmobile got drunk on moonshine and had a sweaty, ill-advised night with a hillbilly’s coon-hunting ATV, this oversized birth defect of a vehicle would be the result.

Mordecai spread out his wings. “I’m in the body of a goddamn cleric. That means I’m clipped. I can fly, but only short distances. Imagine if you suddenly woke up in the body of a eunuch and were then thrown into a supermodel orgy.” He looked up into the sky and sighed heavily.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box. You’re not going to break me. Fuck you all. I will break you.

This piece of paper was mercilessly ripped from a perfectly-innocent book. Anybody who thinks to mutilate books in such a manner is obviously a terrible person. I mean, one minute this book is sitting there, minding its own business, and suddenly… BAM! It’s torn away from its home. And even if it gets returned, you can’t just repair that sort of thing. It’s irreparably harmed. Anybody who would do that is a real jerk.

Donut had come out of nowhere, knocking the flour, milk, and egg off the counter, splattering everything onto the floor. She then turned to run, touched the very edge of the hot burner on the oven, yowled, rocketed into the air, and then landed on the floor, covering herself with a little bit of everything while she did that Scooby-Doo scramble in the slippery mess, everything flying everywhere while her legs pumped several times before she actually moved.

psychedelic.

Your oxygen levels are low. In case you’re wondering, yes, you do need that stuff.

This I swear on my life. One by one, I will break you. I will break you all.

For the love of the gods, Lorenzo. Just kill the man." I grinned even as a struggled to pull my arm free from his jaws. "Yes, dear.

Still, it felt like the wrong decision. It was the easy way out, and in this place, the easy way usually came with dire consequences.

But that feeling was there, and I was simultaneously relieved that I’d been wrong and horrified I’d been thinking it in the first place.

Mongo still clutched onto the stuffed pink rabbit he’d gotten from the kid’s room. I patted the durable dinosaur on the head as I went upstairs.

Don’t forget our date tonight, big boy. Maybe I’ll try out that Nurse Joy person you were describing.

Donut took one look at the vehicle-in-progress and said, “I’ve decided to name it the Royal Chariot.” She flipped her tail and exited the room astride Mongo, following Mordecai. “What the hell, man,” I said as the tooltip popped up over the unfinished vehicle. It didn’t yet have a description, but the system suddenly labeled it The Royal Chariot - Contraption

New Achievement! Total, Utter Failure. You failed a quest less than five minutes after you received it. Now that’s talent. Reward: Ha.

Katia: They are so drunk that if you cast your new fire wall spell anywhere in the room, their breath will likely ignite, and they will self-immolate. You probably wouldn’t get blamed for that. Donut: YOU ARE A GENIUS. I’M GOING TO TRY IT.

Stay next to Loita,” Robot Donut said. “Understood.” She turned her head to Loita and said, “Have you ever felt true cold? It comes soon for us all. It’s always waiting in the shadows.

Turn off your hole, Donut.” “Really, Carl. You need to find a less offensive way to say that.

I’m sorry, Carl,” the robot said, her head turning 180 degrees to look back at me. “The void is wet and hungry.

That was pretty awesome,” I said once it was clear we were safe from the sharks. “Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Donut said.

He looked at me as if I just asked to see nudes of his mom.

New plan,” I said. “Turn around and drive straight for it.” I pulled the third and fourth missiles and loaded them into the launcher. I wanted to avoid storing explosives outside my inventory if I could, but I needed all three of them now. A second pair of eyes and mouth appeared on the back of Katia’s head. The eyes protruded from her scalp on a pair of little stalks. “Are you crazy?” she demanded from the second mouth as we hit a bump. The Chariot sailed into the air and crashed hard into the ground. The back tread whined, blew up sand, and continued on its way. “Holy shit, Katia,” I said, recoiling at the sudden appearance of a second face. “That’s really fucking weird. Do it.

They are so drunk that if you cast your new firewall spell anywhere in the room their breath will likely ignite and they will self immolate.

Do I look like a face-painting, bull-worshipping bitch?” Clay asked.

Katia: Oh wow. The ball is bouncing up and down on its own with the beat. The ooze keeps trying to grab it, but it’s slipping away. Donut: IS THIS SERIOUSLY THE ONLY BASS-HEAVY SONG YOU COULD THINK OF? WHAT ABOUT LIL PUMP? Carl: Make the goddamn hole. Donut: THE BASS ISN’T EVEN THAT HEAVY. IT’S JUST BOUNCY. Carl: Goddamnit, Donut. We’re on the clock.

Part of me was proud that Katia had just rolled with us going missing. She’d gotten a lot done. She’d managed to get the whole house down to the land quadrant, and she’d figured out how to breach the magical door that guarded the front of the land quadrant castle. All without us. Firas told me that they would have finished with the castle already if Zev hadn’t asked Katia to wait for us. At the same time, part of me stung at the notion that she could do this without me. It was stupid. Selfish. And it was more than a little narcissistic to think that without me and Donut, Katia and the others were absolutely screwed. But that feeling was there, and I was simultaneously relieved that I’d been wrong and horrified I’d been thinking it in the first place. I still didn’t know if we’d get there in time, but Katia and the others’ actions while we were away proved that I wasn’t as indispensable as I thought. And in the end, I realized it was a necessary feeling. You’ll die in a gutter without me. You need me. You think you’re just going to be fine? What will you do, you disrespectful little shit? You will break after just one day. And then you’ll die. That’s what you’ll do. Just like your fucking bitch of a mother. I took a deep breath, clearing the memory away.

Sometimes we do things that are not of our nature to protect our own.

But that’s what happens, isn’t it? The universe shows us how cruel it can be, and we are worse for it.

All large-scale AIs eventually go insane. There’s even a term for it. Primal Degeneration. Going primal.

Did you ever read the book Where the Red Fern Grows? Oh, it’s great. It’s about this kid who saves up his money to buy a couple of coonhounds. Little Ann and Old Dan. And there’s a naughty cat involved. A bunch of stuff happens. Anyway, did you ever notice this strange phenomenon when it comes to earth books about dogs? They always die in the end. Always. What kind of sick, sadistic fuckers are you?

On the main screen in the saferoom, the kids were watching The Last Unicorn.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple! You have been featured during a live special event. Sure you got your loyal followers and viewers, but this is on a whole new level. This is like getting to play the halftime show during the Super Bowl. We brought you to the stage, now dance for us, monkey. Dance!

Donut: DON’T BE MEAN TO CARL, MORDECAI. HE DIDN’T DO IT ALONE. WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

When each of us drank the Dolores Doesn’t Splat potion, it had the following effects: First, we actually sped up. Our five seconds to impact turned to two seconds. And when each of us hit the ground, our bodies temporarily softened the surface we were hitting, allowing us to penetrate deeper than normal. This had the effect of vaporizing the sand dunes we were hitting, and in Donut’s case, utterly demolishing the thorny devil mob she rocketed into.

By the time you crash landed face-first into adulthood, your brain swelled with the misguided notion that your shitty novel with a self-insert protagonist sporting a traumatic childhood would change the world. Spoiler alert. Nobody is going to read your autobiography disguised as a space vampire and minotaur romance.

Oh shit, oh shit,” Louis said. “What’re we going to do? Cat, you gotta teleport us out!” “Cat?” Donut said. “I am Princess Donut, you buffoon!

Donut: THIS IS RUINING MY FUR. AND IT’S HOT. I DON’T LIKE THIS, CARL. MONGO IS MISERABLE. Carl: Mongo is still in his container. You don’t know if he’s miserable or not.

It’s not Fireball,” Donut grumbled. “That’s what I really want.

New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy.

Reward: You have received a Platinum Spicy Box.

The platinum Spicy box—the one I’d gotten because the system AI was a goddamned pervert—contained a toe ring.

In ancient Egypt, it was considered an honor for a cat to vomit upon you. You should thank me.

Religion? Whatever do you mean? You can’t join a religion, Carl. You wake up at noon on Sundays.

he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. How does ‘secret Asian man’ make sense?” “Yes, I supposed that does make more sense. Anyway, that’s not his style,

I bet he sucks his thumb and thinks of his grandmother when he touches himself.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box.

I laughed. “Hey, Donut. If we were back home, you’d finally be able to knock that vase off the high shelf.” “That thing was a menace, Carl. It was haunted.

Donut freaked the absolute fuck out.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple!

Have you ever visited the home of an elderly widow and seen her collection of miniature spoons? Or thimbles? Maybe they’re refrigerator magnets, or salt and pepper shakers. It’s always something. They’re all part of a set. There’s a display case involved, with a special slot for each one. It was ambitious of her to buy the case before it was filled. It sits there in her home, a layer of dust atop it where she can no longer reach. A shrine to youthful optimism. Inevitably, as life steamrolls on, she’s become more concerned with what is missing from her collection rather than what she already has. That ashtray from Niagara Falls was a hard-won souvenir, sitting proudly next to the one from Branson. But the moment it was obtained, it lost its value. And now all she thinks about is that empty space, right there. Right next to Graceland. It eats at her. It is a totem to everything she did not accomplish. Her failures. She stares at it, sometimes. That space. That damn, empty space. All she wants is to fill it.

Still, you could do that. You could take a terrible situation and still find moments of peace, even joy. I needed to be reminded that was possible, and the game console did exactly that

A few days back I had been chased by a massive, two-headed puppy. I’d crashed an airplane into the face of a god. I watched a talking goat snuggle up with a vampire after they killed the universe’s largest turkey. I’d just chucked a haunted sex doll head fifty kilometers in order to settle a girl fight between that same head and a makeup-encrusted demon the size of a small town. I’d just reached into the head of a rock monster in order to pluck a parasitic worm from his head.

Priestly had fallen into that trap, caring so much that it had paralyzed him into inaction. It had finally broken him. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake. A distant part of me was alarmed at this attitude. But this was war, and there was no use pretending like it wasn’t

One of the greatest things about having a religion is the unshakeable certainty that you’re right and everyone else who doesn’t believe the same as you is wrong!