Einstein Humor Quotes

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Never memorize something that you can look up.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Even geniuses could get things wrong-look at Einstein's unfortunate choice of a hairdresser.

but then again, they were like baby Einsteins on crack.

Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances? Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen: Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality. Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils' sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature. I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes. I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets. Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace. I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve. I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein's brain. I want a city's gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods. And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella.

When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success in our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock. So I stopped wearing socks.

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy' Albert Einstein

Il est plus facile de désintégrer un atome qu'un préjugé

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?

You make experiments and I make theories. Do you know the difference? A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. {Remark to scientist Herman Francis Mark}

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

four-fifths of the words attributed to me are things I never said, and would not agree with. If your words cannot stand on their own, adding my name won't make them less flimsy

If you can't do respect for yours, you can't do for others".

How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember...No lasting joke, invention, insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory...Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character. Competing to see who can memorize more pages of poetry might seem beside the point, but it's about taking a stand against forgetfulness, and embracing primal capacities from which too many of us have became estranged...memory training is not just for the sake of performing party tricks; it's about nurturing something profoundly and essentially human.

Humor, motivations, moral,gods,energy,secrecy

An hour sitting with a pretty girl on a park bench passes like a minute, but a minute sitting on a hot stove seems like an hour.

It's not gay if you didn't know it was a boy.

It is unfair that most of the physicists who win Nobel Prizes or become household names are theorists. Newton. Einstein. Feynman. Kaku. Sheldon Cooper got the seven-season spin-off show, but Leonard? Nothing.

So why bother investing in one’s memory in an age of externalized memories? The best answer I can give is the one I received unwittingly from EP, whose memory had been so completely lost that he could not place himself in time or space, or relative to other people. That is: How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember. We’re all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually altering those habits, which is to say the networks of our memories. No lasting joke, invention, insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory. Not yet, at least. Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character.

Einstein was not used to self-righting political systems. Nor did he fully appreciate how resilient America’s democracy and its nurturing of individual liberty could be. So for a while his disdain deepened. But he was saved from serious despair by his wry detachment and his sense of humor. He was not destined to die a bitter man.

I’m not being needlessly dramatic when I say that it was a whole thing. On Facebook. On the news, including 60 Minutes. Even Oprah talked about it—the Jonathan Smith-Turner Affair, the Theoretical Hoax, the Physics Scandal. Einstein rolled in his grave. Newton puked up his apple. Feynman quietly stepped in a tank of liquid helium.

La théorie, c’est quand on sait tout et que rien ne fonctionne. La pratique, c’est quand tout fonctionne et que personne ne sait pourquoi. Ici, nous avons réuni théorie et pratique : Rien ne fonctionne… et personne ne sait pourquoi

Mickey had turned into Daisy, and Goofy had turned into Einstein—we were talking about a transmutation that would even have had Paracelsus foaming at the mouth.

If you learn to laugh at yourself, you'll be entertained for a lifetime.

He snorted. “I don’t think your dick is stupid.” “Well, I can tell you, it’s no Einstein either,” I replied, and he chuckled.

In words attributed to Albert Einstein, “Creativity is intelligence having fun.” Let your intelligence live a little.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe

Tout est en un (Abraham) Tout est amour (Jésus-Christ) Tout est économique (Karl Marx) Tout est sexuel (Sigmund Freud) Tout est relatif (Albert Einstein) Et ensuite ?

When I discovered that there was actually a thing called a push-up bra, that, to me, had to be equal of the day Einstein figured out that relativity thing.

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: “You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don’t know how many times my hat can.

As a result, Born was dismayed when it was announced in 1920 that Einstein had cooperated on a forthcoming biography by a Jewish journalist, Alexander Moszkowski, who had mainly written humor and occult books.

simply enjoy giving more than receiving in every respect, do not take myself nor the doings of the masses seriously, am not ashamed of my weaknesses and vices, and naturally take things as they come with equanimity and humor.

Just as Einstein observed that time was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that space was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer's movement in restaurants.

Einstein was filled with good humor and sagacity, both qualities lacking in Gödel, whose intense logic sometimes overwhelmed common sense. This was on glorious display when Gödel decided to become a U.S. citizen in 1947. He took his preparation for the exam very seriously, studied the Constitution carefully, and (as might be expected by the formulator of the incompleteness theory) found what he believed was a logical flaw. There was an internal inconsistency, he insisted, that could allow the entire government to degenerate into tyranny. Concerned, Einstein decided to accompany — or chaperone — Gödel on his visit to Trenton to take the citizenship test, which was to be administered by the same judge who had done so for Einstein. On the drive, he and a third friend tried to distract Gödel and dissuade him from mentioning this perceived flaw, but to no avail. When the judge asked him about the constitution, Gödel launched into his proof that the internal inconsistency made a dictatorship possible. Fortunately, the judge, who by now cherished his connection to Einstein, cut Gödel off. ‘You needn’t go into all that,’ he said, and Gödel’s citizenship was saved.

Just as Einstein observed that time was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that space was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in restaurants.

Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character.

Lederman is also a charismatic personality, famous among his colleagues for his humor and storytelling ability. One of his favorite anecdotes relates the time when, as a graduate student, he arranged to bump into Albert Einstein while walking the grounds at the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton. The great man listened patiently as the eager youngster explained the particle-physics research he was doing at Columbia, and then said with a smile, “That is not interesting.

Pendergast," Ridder said. His voice was low and very, very cold. Despite herself, Corrie shivered when she saw the look on his face. Pendergast stopped. "Yes?" Ridder's eyes glittered like mica. "You've disturbed our lunch and agitated our guest. Isn't there something you ought to say to him before you leave?" "I don't believe so." Pendergast seemed to consider a moment. "Unless, perhaps, it is a quotation from Einstein: 'The only thing more dangerous than ignorance is arrogance.' I would suggest to Dr. Chauncy that in combination, the two qualities are even more alarming.

How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember. We’re all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually altering those habits, which is to say the networks of our memory. No lasting joke, invention, insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory. Not yet, at least. Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character.

How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember. We’re all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually altering those habits, which is to say the networks of our memory. No lasting joke, invention, insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory. Not yet, at least. Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character. Competing to see who can memorize more pages of poetry might seem beside the point, but it’s about taking a stand against forgetfulness, and embracing primal capacities from which too many of us have become estranged. That’s what Ed had been trying to impart to me from the beginning: that memory training is not just for the sake of performing party tricks; it’s about nurturing something profoundly and essentially human.

God does not play dice,” said Albert Einstein. It’s true. He prefers puzzles.

... die Chemie zündet bengalische Feuer, die Informatiker bräunen sich im Licht ihrer Laptopbildschirme - direkter Kontakt mit Tageslicht würde ja einen sofortigen Sonnenbrand nach sich ziehen.

I was not shot at. I was hit in the chest.” “No, you were hit in the book. It’s a good thing the uncertainty principle is so complicated. If you’d been reading a Harlequin Romance, you’d be dead.” “I wouldn’t be caught dead reading a Harlequin Romance.” Evidently she missed the humor.

What’s the matter for you? You wanna see a stereotypa, suck on my Italian sausage and…” Einstein interrupted by leaping out of his chair, hovering over Da Vinci with his eyes as wide open as possible. His long pointy tongue stuck out like a frog ready to snap at a fly. “Oh, you wanna licka my bocce balls, do you?

- Te meg, ha kiröhögted magad rajta, netán rajtam, gondolkodjál el azon, mennyivel vagy több, netán jobb nálunk. És mielőtt megerőltetnéd magad, segítek, csupán azért, hogy spórolj az agysejtekkel, mert szükségünk lesz rájuk. Szóval Einstein, semmivel sem vagy több. Sőt! Mi nyíltan tesszük a dolgunkat, és úgy lopunk, te meg hozzánk képest csupán egy piti kis pöcsfej vagy, aki ellopott egy sztorit. Méghozzá tőlünk - itt félretolta a társát, s egészen az arcomba lihegett. - Kreatívnak lehet, hogy kreatív vagy, de te nem író, hanem tolvaj vagy! Egy kis szarházi, a média bohóca, a műcsöcsök művilágának műmájere, egy olyan világból, ahol a jó hír nem hír, és tapsolunk, ha valamelyik hírhedt híresség hatodjára lejön a kokainról, vagy éppen kutyát sétáltat. Én még tudom, mi a szép az életben, nem e-maileket írogatok, hanem a barátaimmal találkozom.

in order to be happy, every individual needs to have goals whose attainment requires effort. Kaczynski argued that modern people are depressed because all the world's hard problems have already been solved. What's left to do is either easy or impossible, and pursuing those tasks is deeply unsatisfying. What you can do, even a child can do; what you can't do, even Einstein couldn't have done.

It’s a sad commentary on America’s literacy that a book urging you to adopt the habits of “successful” people—meaning those who wear dark suits, lack a sense of humor, invent things like hedge funds and send their kids to Harvard—is a best seller.

E = m-c (Evolution, monkey, church)

She gives off an aura of enormous sadness, though her powers of humor and forgiveness seem to run equally as deep.

Ooh! Oo-wooh!' groaned Henry, looking up to see that even Albert Einstein was willing him on. Amber grasped at lumps of his flesh and felt as if she were steering a rickety bus on a bumpy goat track.

IMPORTANT: One must NEVER EVER use tampons and Ben & Jerry's as each other's decoy purchases, as this suggests you are some sort of Bridget Jones situation who needs ice cream to soothe her menses a-bloo-bloos, which defeats the entire purpose of decoy purchases, Albert Einstein.