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The Ten Commandments As Interpreted by Robin Palmetier
1. Don’t lie. Unless it’s to the police.
2. Don’t cheat your customers. Robin always made sure her dime bags were just a bit larger than any other dealers’ in the area, insuring loyalty in her clientele.
3. Always be polite. Especially to people who don’t like you, as it will piss them off.
4. Don’t steal from anyone. Anyone meaning people, leaving corporations and the IRS fair game.
5. Don’t kill. This one was also on the Bible’s list but, like many Christians, Robin had a long list of exceptions to this rule. It was okay to kill
sexual predators (unless they were born-again while serving time), liberal commentators, and anyone described as a "bad guy" by the greatest journalist and political leader of all time, Box News commentator Malcolm Wright. Unless, of course, Mr. Wright happened to be talking about one of her
personal friends, which, on occasion, he had.
6. Do not take the Lord’s name in vein. Shit, fuck, cock, pussy, bitch, bastard and their ilk were just fine. Goddamn’s and Jesus Christ’s were no-no’s.
7. Always repay a favor with a favor. Someone does something nice for you, do something nice right back. Being in someone’s debt is a dangerous thing.
8. Affirm that every word in the Bible is true, except the parts that clearly aren’t. Like that thing about eating shellfish—though supposedly an
abomination on par with adultery, murder, poly-cotton blends and paying interest on a mortgage—it could not possibly be God’s will. Robin loved
scallops and knew the good Lord would not wish to deny her this pleasure.
9. Discuss all decisions with God directly and listen closely to his advice. Sadly, when Praline tried this
himself he got nothing but an extended silence, while his mother always seemed to get very detailed instructions.
10. Always remember your mama loves you.
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