Dial A For Aunties Quotes

Meddy, how can you say that? Your aunties coming over, so late at night, coming to help us get rid of body, and we don’t even offer them any food? How can? Oh, we have dragon fruit, good, good.

I’m basically driven by a mixture of caffeine and familial guilt.

You're not a mess. You just kill by accident only. Bad luck. Can happen to anyone.

I hear about this kind of Internet scam before. Is called goldfish.” “Catfish,” I say. “No, I’m sure is call goldfish. Because pretend got gold, but actually just a fish.

I look at the ceiling. Pretty sure that when Glad was planning their marketing campaign, they didn’t think their target market would be a bunch of middle-aged Chinese women arguing about how to best dispose of a body.

My eyes fill with tears. All these years, I have never seen it that way, but Ma’s right. I did grow up with four mothers, and it really has been amazing. There’s been so much love in my life that I took for granted.

I told you to buy Glad brand. Haven’t you seen their ads? Glad bags will hold his cut-up body just fine, no leaks!

Don’t leave your big day to chance, leave it to the Chans!

Or maybe the business is dealing coke. Or human trafficking. Wow, I have a low opinion of my family.

Some of the aunties in Dial A for Aunties speak the sort of broken English that my parents’ generation does. Their grasp of the English language is not a reflection of their intelligence, but a reflection of the sacrifice that they have made for us. They are, in essence, trilingual, and I am so proud of this heritage.

Chinese family meals aren’t complete without everyone serving food to everyone else, because doing so shows love and respect, which means we all need to do it in the most attention-seeking way possible.

Yay, global warming,” I cheer weakly. Bad for the environment, good for killers.

Who drugged you?” Sheriff McConnell roars. “I mean, I don’t know. I’d like to know, that was some good stuff—er, I mean, yeah, that was really uncool, drugging us like that,

Lord help me, we are literally talking about fridging the dude.

They band together and reduce us to kids having a tantrum, dismissing our words so we can’t pierce their armor. Part of me wants to kick crazily at the floor and scream until they listen, but of course that’ll only confirm their belief that I’m nothing more than a silly child.

Yes, you right, more respectful". She pats me on the cheek. "I raise you so well". Hysteria rises from deep in my stomach and I have to swallow it. Trust Ma to take pride in my etiquette when I've just shown her my date, whom I've killed, in the trunk of my car.

What? What is it?” Big Aunt says. “He sound like very nice boy, offer to cook eggplant for you.

What is with the Chinese-Indo community and their hard-on for Hermès?

Their grasp of the English language is not a reflection of their intelligence, but a reflection of the sacrifice that they have made for us.

always reply in English no matter which language my family is speaking because Second Aunt says listening to me struggle through Indonesian or Mandarin makes her blood pressure rise.

He trick me? Use me get to my daughter!?” Big Aunt nods solemnly. “I hear about this kind of Internet scam before. Is called goldfish.” “Catfish,” I say. “No, I’m sure is call goldfish. Because pretend got gold, but actually just a fish.

Ah, filial piety, the foundation of Asian parenting. From ever since I can remember, I’ve been taught to put my elders—that is, Ma and the aunties—above everything. It’s the reason why I, out of seven kids in my generation, am the only one involved in the family business, even though I desperately want out.

Yeah.” I sigh, feeling so ashamed of my generation.

Meddy, how can you say that? Your aunties coming over, so late at night, coming to help us get rid of body, and we don’t even offer them any food?

I can’t believe my aunts’ rivalry with each other is jeopardizing us getting away with murder.

Just wait until you see what Meddy do to the body. She was very respectful,

Have they always been this blasé about chopping bodies up? “Such silly idea,” Ma scoffs. “So messy, and the garbage bags always leak. You will make big mess in my garage.

There’s a dead man in my car. A man. Dead. In the driver’s seat of my Subaru. This is not at all on-brand for Subaru. Subarus aren’t killers’ cars. Jeep Wranglers are.

Most other entertainers go with coke.” “Coke got so much sugar,” Big Aunt sniffs. “Better drink Coke Zero, otherwise later you get diabetes.

How can I describe the chaos that is a dim sum restaurant in the heart of San Gabriel Valley at 11 a.m.?

There's a glint in her eye that she gets the week before Chinese New Year, when she goes absolutely berserk and cleans the house like Marie Kondo on crack.

I’m basically driven by a mixture of caffeine and familial guilt

Everything in Chinese-Indo culture is like that; everybody is somehow related to everybody else, and deals happen because somebody’s in-law knows someone else’s friend’s cousin.

This is what always happens when one of my generation dares to talk back to our parents. They band together and reduce us to kids having a tantrum, dismissing our words so we can’t pierce their armor. Part of me wants to kick crazily at the ground and scream until they listen, but of course that’ll only confirm their belief that I’m nothing more than a silly child.

Pretty sure that when Glad was planning their marketing campaign, they didn’t think their target market would be a bunch of middle-aged Chinese women arguing about how to best dispose of a body.

The table being round means all the dishes are equally within reach of everyone, but Chinese family meals aren't complete without everyone serving food to everyone else, because doing so shows love and respect, which means we all need to do it in the most attention-seeking way possible. What's the point of giving Big Aunt the biggest siu mai if nobody else notices?

Oi can talk Brit-ish for you, luv.

Big Aunt sends a string of emojis that seem completely unrelated to each other instead of an actual response. Whoever introduced my mom and aunts to emojis needs to be thrown off a tall building. Ever since they found out about emojis, my mom and her sisters think they’re a perfectly acceptable way of communicating. Except everyone has a slightly different interpretation of emojis, and it takes me about three times as long to figure out exactly what they’re trying to say.Big Aunt sends a string of emojis that seem completely unrelated to each other instead of an actual response. Whoever introduced my mom and aunts to emojis needs to be thrown off a tall building. Ever since they found out about emojis, my mom and her sisters think they’re a perfectly acceptable way of communicating. Except everyone has a slightly different interpretation of emojis, and it takes me about three times as long to figure out exactly what they’re trying to say.

I always reply in English no matter which language my family is speaking because Second Aunt says listening to me struggle through Indonesian or Mandarin makes her blood pressure rise.

I mean, objectively he’s gorgeous, obviously, but there’s also something about him that makes me feel that I’ve come home after a long day.

How does my mom do it, every time? She’ll find me in pieces, and somehow, some way, she manages to put me back together.

he nods before walking away, leaving me feeling like I’ve lost him for the second time in my life.

Ma gives her the deadliest side-eye in the history of all side-eyes.

Second Aunt nods. “Yes, you’re not a whore, that’s why you’re so bad at dating.

I ask him, but I think maybe he a bit shy,” Ma says. “You realize that means he’s a complete troll?” Fourth Aunt says.

In Chinese weddings, the bride’s jewelry is the last to go on, and is usually a gift from her parents.

I found the perfect husband for you!” At the same time, all of my aunts say, “Surprise!

We all still live in the same neighborhood, a mere ten-minute walk away from one another, and I feel the weight of their expectations, as if I have four mothers and all of their hopes and dreams have been placed on my shoulders. I’m basically driven by a mixture of caffeine and familial guilt.

You good, filial girl, Meddy,” Big Aunt says, and I force a smile. Ah, filial piety, the foundation of Asian parenting.

For their sake, I pretend to love all of it—the fuss and the huge production and everything—but it’s slowly eroding what I love about photography. For months now, I’ve toyed with the idea of leaving the wedding business, of going back to what I love about photography—to be able to take my time, play around with different lenses and lighting and angles instead of rushing to take photo after photo of the same stuff. Not that I can ever reveal any of this to my family.

They startle at the B-word. It’s their worst nightmare, to be a burden to their children.

This is what always happens when one of my generation dares to talk back to our parents. They band together and reduce us to kids having a tantrum, dismissing our words so we can’t pierce their armor.

Ha, ha. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve raised my voice.” It’s probably the result of being raised by such loud women. I have a natural aversion to raised voices now.

Their respect and admiration show clearly on their faces, and for one guilty moment, I’m glad that Second Aunt isn’t here to sour Big Aunt’s moment. It’s nice, seeing the sisters get along.

No, I’m sure is call goldfish. Because pretend got gold, but actually just a fish.

From ever since I can remember, I’ve been taught to put my elders—that is, Ma and the aunties—above everything.

Aiya,

Maybe we can chop him up, cook some curry, then throw away bit by bit?” “That’s a lot of curry,” Fourth Aunt says.

Up next is the tea ceremony, a favorite for many couples. The bride and groom serve tea to their elders, and their elders bestow gifts upon them. Traditionally, the gifts come in the form of gold or red packets filled with money.

Don’t miss out on love because you think we got curse, so silly, you. I thought you are more educated than that.

but I can’t do my own thing, I can’t just abandon the family business, because you always talk about sacrifice and how much you’ve all sacrificed for me, and so this is it, the cycle of sacrifice that’ll go on and on and on.

Who do nails like that? How do you wash your bum when you have feather on your nails?” Ma says.

She’s already sacrificed so much for my sake, and I can’t even communicate with her in her mother tongue.

Why you cover the face?” she says. “Something horrible happen to it, is it?” She shudders. “Is there something sticking out of the eye? Aiya, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.” She flaps, grimacing. “Is it broken glass in his eye?” “No, Ma. There’s nothing sticking out of his eye. I just thought it would be, I don’t know, more respectful.” “Oh.” She nods. “Yes, you right, more respectful.” She pats me on the cheek. “I raise you so well.

Your aunties coming over, so late at night, coming to help us get rid of body, and we don’t even offer them any food? How can? Oh, we have dragon fruit, good, good. Big Aunt’s favorite. Wah, got pear too. Very good. Help me peel, don’t be so rude to your aunties, you will bring shame.” “Oh, right, it’s the lack of fruit that’ll bring shame, not the dead body in the car.

Meddy,” Second Aunt breathes. “You have Taser?” I can’t help cringing as I nod. Here it comes. They’re going to— “Can we see?” Second Aunt says. Huh? “Wah, wonder what model you got,” Big Aunt says.

Ma and my aunts are practically hoarders. They say it has to do with growing up poor.

My superstitious mother is chastising me for believing in curses. Life could not get weirder.

6

Whoever said “It’s as hard as herding cats” has obviously never tried to herd a group of Asian aunties.

This is what always happens when one of my generation dares to talk back to our parents. They band together and reduce us to kids having a tantrum, dismissing our words so we can’t pierce their armor. Part of

Oops, bad word choice, lol.” He says “lol” as if it’s an actual word.

Yes, Nathan, this is all your fault. Meddy moved out of my house because of you,” Ma says. “Whoa, why me?” Nathan cries, raising his hands and looking incredibly adorable. “Maybe so you can be having all the sex,” Ma grumbles in English.

My mother’s always had such smooth hands, but now I see wrinkles and age spots on them too, and the sight is so jarring. When did she get old on me?

Jake1010Hotelier: Oh. Wow, okay. Damn, girl, you’re even thirstier than I thought. Meddelin Chan: Haha! No, no, not thirsty! I have a lot to drink. Quite wet now. Jake1010Hotelier: Wow. Damn. If I’d known, I would’ve asked you out sooner. Meddelin Chan: Wah! How you know eggplant my favorite?? Jake1010Hotelier: It is, huh? Well, I’ve got a real big one for you. Meddelin Chan: Oh! I can’t wait! LOVE eggplant!! I

That’s because you always buy the cheap ones,” Fourth Aunt shoots back. “I told you to buy Glad brand. Haven’t you seen their ads? Glad bags will hold his cut-up body just fine, no leaks!

I’m aware while writing this that I’m straddling a very fine line between authenticity and stereotype, and it’s my hope that this book defies the latter. It is by no means representative of the Asian community as a whole; no single book can possibly represent such a large community of individuals.

.” Is it true? Am I doomed to stay with them forever, just because I’m the only one not heartless enough to leave? I force a smile and nod benignly as they fuss about me, and I try to look forward to the rest of my life, living here in the same house with my mom and aunts.

Then Second Uncle, and then—then it was my dad, who left without a word in the dead of night. Just up and disappeared like a ghost. I woke up one morning, asked where he was, and Ma slapped down a bowl of congee and said, “Eat.

Is it true? Am I doomed to stay with them forever, just because I’m the only one not heartless enough to leave?

Nothing could be worse than tonight. The worst is over.

There’s just something about Big Aunt, a mix of firm authority and motherly warmth that nobody can say no to.

New York. That’s so far away, it might as well be another country. What would Ma do without me? I’d be no better than my male cousins, leaving home as soon as they could. No, I’d be even worse, because I gave Ma and my aunties false hope,

No, I’m better than my cousins. Better than my uncles—and I sure as hell am better than my father. I won’t abandon my family. Not for love, not for anything.

Ever since UCLA, I’ve wondered what happened with us. I’ve always wanted to reach out to you, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me—I mean, what happened back then?

I am so excited that Dial A for Aunties will be a Netflix movie. This wouldn’t have been possible without the efforts of Mary Pender and Olivia Fanaro of United Talent Agency. They pitched the project flawlessly and found the perfect producers,

I wonder if this is what all English families are like, if they all use words like “lovely” and “delightful” instead of shouting and flapping like my family does.

Got small problem. Very small.” Something crashes and breaks from her end. It sounds large.

Your aunties coming over, so late at night, coming to help us get rid of body, and we don’t even offer them any food?

The sheriff narrows his eyes. “Bring. Them. Here. Don’t make me charge you with obstruction of justice, boy.

I’ve mainly been thinking about feet.” “Uh.” Okay, this is not where I thought the conversation was going to go. “Well, I’m glad that you’ve picked up a fetish since college . . . ?” I smile in what I hope is a very open-minded way. I think the smile ends up looking slightly demented. Nathan laughs. “Sorry, I wasn’t being clear. Though it’s interesting that that’s where your mind went.” “Oh, like there’s a different way to take ‘I’ve been thinking about feet’?