Demetri Martin Quotes

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: " I heard from this guy who told somebody ...

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentance starts out with: " I heard fron this guy who told somebody ..." -Demetri Martin

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying “I hate getting up in the morning, so I do it over, and  over, and over again.” —DEMETRI MARTIN

How To Read This Book If you’re reading this sentence then you’ve pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says 'go outside'.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

You are 10 times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and all of the women who talk to him. I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long. I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain. I am the Earth. I am these things when I’m taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin’s last name is. I am sometimes referred to as “Ex-CUSE me” in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am SO sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it. I am the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or ever can be. I am confused.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make him scream a lot.

In a blind taste test, 100% of the people tested preferred the taste of things that were not just shoved into their mouth by surprise without any warning.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is a space between them.

Separate but equal' is terrible for education, but perfect for eyebrows.