Debra Fileta Quotes

Fix your eyes on Jesus and the plans he has for your life. Look ahead, and run after him with all your heart. Then look around. Whoever has kept up with you, marry that person.

Dating with no regrets means keeping your focus on Jesus, so that no matter what happens in your relationships with others, your relationship with God remains intact.

Guarding your heart means protecting deepest parts of who you are - both your emotional and spiritual worlds - from anyone who could cause them harm.

When we see marriage as our sole purpose, we find ourselves with nowhere to go when we finally arrive.

Focus on whom God has made you to be, rather than on whom he has made for you to be with.

What if our loneliness is the result not simply of needing a partner but of needing people? We are made in the image of a relational God; it makes sense that we possess the desire to be together.

what matters is not who initiated but how we responded thereafter. We both responded with affirming words and validating actions. We invested in the relationship equally, together giving and receiving. We kept communication open the whole way through.

God is after the bigger picture of your life. He is writing your story. I'm about to say something that may seem antithetical to this book, but need you to hear this: your story has far more to do with finding God's unique calling and purpose for your life than it does with finding the love of your life.

Because I had no awareness of who I was or what I needed, I found myself settling for a mediocre relationship rather than holding out for what was best.

Your story has far more to do with finding God’s unique calling and purpose for you life than it does with finding the love of your life.

the success of a relationship is determined not by a lack of conflict but by how well a couple works through conflict.

It’s easier to show aggression than it is to feel insecure. It’s easier to push people away and to live alone than to be emotionally exposed and vulnerable.

More important than who initiates a relationship are the mutual love and respect that are exchanged from that point on.

Choosing to love someone is so much more meaningful than needing someone to love.

Your longing for an intimate relationship with another person is something you were created to feel. It doesn’t mean that you are unholy or that you haven’t let Jesus fill your heart the way he should. It means you’re human, created in the image of God, a God who loves, who connects, and who longs for relationship himself. Jesus can never be your boyfriend or girlfriend because we was never intended to be. A significant part of your heart was designed specifically for just him, but there is a part of your heart that was designed specifically for others.

Marraige is about finding a comrade, not ultimate contentment. It's about finding a helpmate, not a healer (Gen. 2:18). You must see the road to healing as a journey with God, one that you and he must walk together.

The result of immersing yourself in God’s love is that it requires you to trust — trust in a God who loves you enough to meet all of your needs, trust in a God who knows what is best for your life, trust in the one who promises that his will is good, pleasing, and perfect (Rom. 12:2), trust in a God whose love is matchless.

I recently heard a talk about identity in which the speaker said it's almost as though we are born into a world in which we are constantly being labeled by others -- our parents, our friends, our family, and people we don't even know. Each person, from the outside looking in, comes up with a label to slap onto us without our permission. Some labels are kind and some are truthful, but many of them are lies. And sometimes we leave the negative labels on so long that we believe what they say; we allow those labels to define us.

Loving yourself requires that you know, value, and respect the person you are while moving toward the person God has made you to be.

When you choose to look inward, you are choosing to go where no man has gone before, because only you have access to this terrain. It is a journey that brings with it new discoveries each and every day.

Understanding where you come from means taking a good hard look at your past and giving yourself the freedom to learn from it.

Understanding can lead to liberation. Knowledge can bring freedom from the past. For those who don’t take the time to understand their past and are blind to how it has shaped them, the road to true love can be difficult.

Finding true love starts with taking inventory of our strengths and weaknesses, quirks and traits, hopes and dreams, and getting to know the person behind the mask.

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Suggestions for Truthful Thinking Based on God’s Word I am chosen by God. (1 Peter 2:9) I am forgiven of my sins. (Ephesians 1:7) I am created to do the good work God has called me to do. (Ephesians 2:10) I am made new in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17) I can do what I need to do to thrive in this life through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13) God will take care of all my needs. (Philippians 4:19) I have the power of the Holy Spirit. (Mark 16:17-18) I have access to the peace of God which surpasses understanding. (Philippians 4:7) I am born of God and able to conquer sin. (1 John 5:18) God has given me everything I need to live a godly life. (2 Peter 1:3-4) My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19) God has delivered me from darkness. (Colossians 1:13) I am healed through Christ. (Isaiah 53:5) I am loved by God. (Ephesians 2:4) I am not ruled by fear. (2 Timothy 1:7) Take some time to search God’s Word for specific truths to battle your negative thinking.

God understands the importance of looking inward. The Bible teaches us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39). Loving others is contingent on the ability to love yourself. The ironic thing is that many singles are ready to get out there and love someone else, but they haven’t taken the time to love themselves. Loving yourself requires that you know, value, and respect the person you are while moving toward the person God has made you to be. But somehow this important truth gets moved to the back burner. We tend to focus so much on the first part of this verse that calls us to love others that we neglect to love ourselves.

I have to admit that for a while I was missing this piece of the puzzle. I spent so much of my young adult years looking for true love without ever getting to know and appreciate who I was. I read book after book on dating and courtship in an attempt to learn all that I could about meeting, identifying, and interacting with my soul mate. I focused on building a relationship not realizing how much of me that relationship would one day entail. I put a lot of effort into finding “the one,” all the while losing myself.

Understanding your beliefs about God is so important because your beliefs about God shape your relationship with God and, ultimately, your spiritual health.

healthy people display spiritually healthy disciplines, but what makes you spiritually healthy is not the list of the disciplines you do, but more so, why you do those things and what’s going on underneath the surface

What brings your heart joy? And how do those things compare to the things that bring joy to the heart of Jesus?

Your emotions are real, but they aren’t always true. What’s true is God’s Word declared over your life. What’s true is your identity in Christ. What’s true is that in your weakness, Christ’s strength is made perfect. What’s true is the Holy Spirit at work in your life and in your situation. What’s true is that God promises to take every detail and work it together for your good. His truth supersedes what we feel.

In order to get filled, we first have to acknowledge our emptiness.

We need to stop assuming health and start pursuing health, living intentionally toward health on every level.

Loving God is a holistic experience. It requires every part of who we are to be in alignment with every part of who He is.

your story has far more to do with finding God’s unique calling and purpose for your life than it does with finding the love of your life.

So many men and women come into my office broken and discouraged because their life’s purpose is wrapped up in a relationship that has failed them or let them down. This is not the way God intended it to be. Finding true love may be a beautiful portion of your story, but it was never intended to be the grand finale. It’s too easy to work so hard on this one section of our story that in the meantime the rest of the book never gets written. God’s plans never play out in our lives because we are so fixated on finding love that we don’t take the time to look at where we are going.

This saying challenged me to keep focused, to know my vision, and to look ahead to God’s plans for my life. No distractions, no pit stops, no wrong turns. It wasn’t until after I decided to pursue God’s purpose for me that I eventually came face to face with the man of my dreams. As we were both looking ahead to God’s plans for our lives, our stories collided in a miraculous and unexpected way.

As the months and years went on and their relationship unfolded, Denise started longing for something more. Sure, she loved Ryan’s allure and the way he made her feel, but something seemed to be missing. The more she got to know him, the more it became obvious that they had nothing in common and that they were headed down separate paths. She longed for someone to challenge her, to sharpen her in her faith, to share her passions, and to propel her forward in life. But Denise felt trapped and obligated to stay in the relationship because of how much time and emotion she had invested in it. Thinking of starting over was just too much for her to bear. She reminded herself that Ryan was a “good enough” guy. And he was. But unfortunately, all too often Mr. Good Enough ends up taking the place of Mr. Right.

My husband and I have been planning a big trip for a milestone anniversary celebration. Given the amount of money we’re thinking of spending, you’d better believe that we have spent hours researching, making lists, making phone calls, asking questions, and discussing what we want as we choose a destination. Anyone planning to spend a lot of money on a memorable trip would do the same thing. If people put that much planning into a trip that will be here today and gone tomorrow, how much more should they invest in thinking through the qualities they want in a lifelong partner?

Healthy relationships are founded on who the relationship partner actually is, not on who they could become.

I also know such couples. But they are not the norm. Research on courtship indicates that couples who were together for a substantial period before marriage are less likely to divorce than those who rushed into it.

I agree that though statistics are important, they aren’t everything, and there are always exceptions to the norm. But if dating is essentially a practice run for a lifelong marital commitment, why not take your time and be sure you know what you are getting into? Why add more risk factors than you have to? What do you have to lose? Each season of dating offers a spectrum of discoveries that will lead you either one step closer to true love or two steps back. Each season illuminates potential risk factors and provides the opportunity to water and nurture the seeds of a relationship to see if they will grow and mature into a flourishing lifelong commitment.

John met Deb at a church conference one summer. He describes the moment he met her as “instantly falling in love.” In fact, he called his best friend, who lived across the country, to tell him, “I’ve met the girl I’m going to marry.” John had been saving his heart for that special someone. He was selective in his dating endeavors and had never really been in a serious relationship. Even though his heart told him to just go for it with Deb, his head told him to wait, and he pursued a friendship with her after the conference was over. He called her, visited with her, and got to know her as he would any friend. He made sure not to lead her on with flirtatious language or touch, and he tried to get to know her as a person. Five months into their friendship, his feelings for her grew stronger and stronger. Through their friendship, he learned so much about her, and with every passing day, she seemed to fit more and more into the mold of the woman he had always dreamed of marrying. Not only did he feel that he loved her, he truly liked her and felt that their friendship was ready for the next step. He asked her to enter a dating relationship with him, and she accepted. Their friendship was a solid foundation for a healthy dating relationship that eventually led to an incredible marriage.

It’s important to be excited about your new relationship. It’s important to feel a connection, an attraction, and a joyful anticipation of what’s to come. The absence of those feelings and that excitement means something is missing.

Time and time again young men and women tell me they are in a relationship with someone who looks “so good on paper,” but the feelings just aren’t there. Rather than being excited and full of anticipation, they feel apathetic and confused. For some people, the problem stems from within. Fear of commitment and trust issues stunt their feelings. But for others, the lack of emotion is a sign that something is not as it should be in their relationship. Something is missing.

Let me repeat that feelings are not the foundation of a relationship, but they are an important launching point. There will come a day when you are married and will have to learn to love someone even when you do not feel like it, but that time is not now.

Looking back on her life and the factors that affected her decisions was a really important step in Lisa’s healing process. She began to expose faulty ways of thinking that she had never questioned before. She processed this new information and allowed it to transform her life. She started making decisions based on the truth that God had shown her through his Word and through counseling. Lisa is proof that when you know better, you do better. Her new understanding had a profound impact on her life; slowly she began looking at dating in a new light. She made up her mind not to settle for less than God’s best, and she took the next few months to invest in herself by allowing God to heal her emotional wounds before she reentered the world of dating. This, my friends, is the ultimate goal of dating yourself. It is the art of digging deep and taking a hard look at where you have come from in order to light the path to where you are going. It is the process of learning from your past as you are empowered to choose your future. It is the opportunity to get real with yourself in the most intimate and transparent way. It is the journey of taking the pain of your past and turning it into perspective as you make changes for a healthier future. It’s time to look forward and be freed.

A thought-provoking passage in the book of James challenges us to get real with how we look. Not on the outside but on the inside. It talks about the importance of spiritual growth and explains that a person who listens to God’s words but doesn’t change is like a person who looks in the mirror but walks away, forgetting what they saw (James 1:23 – 25).

Birds of a feather flock together.” That saying is true in so many ways. The reality of dating is that you are attracted to people who are similar to you, similar not necessarily in appearance or personality (though that may be true) but in health. I can’t tell you the number of times I have counseled men and women who have asked me through tears, “Why am I always attracted to the unhealthy ones?” The simple answer is that what you believe about yourself is what you will get. Your beliefs and view of self are so central to determining the kind of person you will relate to. They act like lures, drawing people to your side. Your level of emotional health and self-esteem will always attract others who are in the same category. Healthy people will marry healthy people because you will always end up with the person whom you believe you deserve. It’s a simple equation, though we tend to complicate it. It’s almost as though human beings are magnetic. We attract people who are similar to us. Not only that, but studies on dating1 have shown that we even tend to date and marry people who are similar to us in appearance and style. If something as superficial as physical appearance holds that much power, how much more magnetic is the influence of our mental and emotional world?

One of the greatest factors that inhibits people from moving forward is their past. The Bible describes a woman who also wrestled with the demons of her past. God had called Lot and his wife out of Sodom and into something new. He’d called them out of the darkness of their past and into a new beginning, out of the sin and struggles that surrounded them and into something better, something greater. But Lot’s wife was unable to let go of the past, of what was behind her. In fact, Scripture explains that she looked back and “became a pillar of salt” (Gen. 19:26). The past can be paralyzing. The past numbs many people, preventing them from experiencing their present and moving into their future. Maybe you can relate. Maybe the past has wrapped its tentacles around your heart. God is calling you to look ahead (Phil. 3:13).

Here are some ways to break free: 1. Accept your past. No matter how dark or difficult your past may be, it is crucial that you come to terms with the reality that it cannot be changed; it may never be forgotten, but it can always be used. God can take the wounds of your past and use them to strengthen, sharpen, and shape you into who he wants you to be today. For some, accepting the past comes with the healing power of time, God’s relentless grace, and a whole lot of support. But for others, the process is much more complicated. If you find that you are unable to live in the present because of the burdens of your past, be open to seeking the help of a professional. Find a Christian counselor in your area and give yourself the chance to confront, process, and accept your past.

Understand your present. More significant than what has happened in your past is who you have become in the present. Though the past may shape your present, it can’t control it. By the grace of God, you are enabled to overcome your past by becoming who God has called you to be here and now. No matter what lies behind you, God has placed you where you are at today “for such a time as this” (Est. 4:14). Find your purpose, identify your passions, and live for the present.

Envision your future. Having a vision for your life is of ultimate importance. Scripture explains that “where there is no vision, the people perish” (Prov. 29:18 KJV). The ability to live in the present grounds you, but living with hope for the future propels you forward. What do you imagine your life will look like in one year, five years, or ten years? Where do you hope to be? What do you hope to be doing? Open your heart, release your mind, trust your spirit, and begin envisioning your future.

For the first time in many years, Lisa had entered into a season of singleness. She had a history of dating the wrong guys, one after another. With the perspective allowed by her pause from dating, Lisa realized that the people she dated were nothing like the man she had always dreamed of marrying. She had a tendency to settle, living in the hope of what she wanted the relationship to become rather than seeing it for what it was. When I met Lisa, she was ready to make some discoveries about herself. She was sick and tired of doing things the same old way and was ready for a transformation. And she was willing to do the work that this required. After I took some time to understand Lisa’s life and her past, it became clear to me that many of the patterns that were holding her back stemmed from things she learned in her family of origin. The dynamics of Lisa’s relationship with her parents and of her parents’ relationship with each other had set the stage for her future relationships in a way that she never could have imagined.

Lisa opened up about her mother, a Christian woman who was content with being miserable in her marriage. As Lisa was growing up, her mother had always complained to her about her marriage, but never made the necessary changes. Unknowingly, her mother conveyed the message that settling in relationships was inevitable, that a perfect relationship could never be found. Lisa had taken this message to heart. If God’s best didn’t really exist for her, she might as well settle for someone who was “good enough.” Lisa’s relationship with her father had also played a role. She spoke with tears in her eyes about the distance she felt from him, never feeling loved or appreciated, respected or adored. He took care of her physical needs for food and shelter, but her emotional needs were left unmet. No affection, no praise, no connection. She was hungry for that kind of love, and shortly after she went off to college, she began to take it from anyone who offered it.

Healthy people will marry healthy people because you will always end up with the person whom you believe you deserve.

When you choose to look inward, you are choosing to go where no man has gone before, because only you have access to this terrain. It is a journey that brings with it new discoveries each and every day. WHERE

Understanding can lead to liberation. Knowledge can bring freedom from the past. For those who don’t take the time to understand their past and are blind to how it has shaped them, the road to true love can be difficult. CATHERINE

Finding true love starts with taking inventory of our strengths and weaknesses, quirks and traits, hopes and dreams, and getting to know the person behind the mask. The

Your level of emotional health and self-esteem will always attract others who are in the same category.

Vision will not guarantee success, but it will point you in the right direction and keep you from wandering into the kinds of relationships that you never intended to have. SUSAN

your story has far more to do with finding God’s unique calling and purpose for your life than it does with finding the love of your life. Did

Finding true love may be a beautiful portion of your story, but it was never intended to be the grand finale.

It was when I finally captured God’s vision for my life that I was able to recognize the kind of people who fit into my story. All

Healthy relationships are founded on who the relationship partner actually is, not on who they could become. The

It is an unrelenting, passionate, fierce, and growing love that loves for the sake of loving; it loves to love, rather than loves to be loved. It wants nothing from the other but the opportunity to love them better. A

Commit to the moment, allowing your relationship to mature before permitting your conversation to jump ahead, because wherever your conversation goes, your heart will always follow.

Don’t allow the physical connection that is intended to bring you together as one to be the very thing that tears you apart.

Our spiritual journey is about the transformational work of Jesus Christ in our lives. The more time we spend in God’s presence, the more we are transformed into the image of his Son. And the more we reflect Jesus’ character in our lives, the more magnetic we become to one another. We are drawn together by a love that is beyond our limited capacity, the limitless love of God that pours into us and overflows into the life of the other. THE

You will never feel whole in the presence of your mate if you don’t feel whole standing alone.

No one has the power to deal with our inadequacies and insecurities but ourselves. No

offer you what is needed for true value and self-worth. True security comes only within the framework of your relationship with God. Relationships

Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their main purpose in life is to find marital love. This dangerous belief robs us of joy and true purpose. True purpose is eternal, because God’s plan for our lives can never be taken away.

When we see marriage as our sole purpose, we find ourselves with nowhere to go when we finally arrive. Marriage may be an avenue in fulfilling our purpose, but it’s not the destination.

There is something magical about a relationship that is birthed out of the overflow of the heart. In this kind of relationship, two people are giving to each other out of their fullness, rather than taking from each other out of their emptiness. The

it’s crucial to remember that love is more than a feeling. It’s a choice.

Satan hates healthy relationships, because he despises everything that is from the hand of God. He wants to destroy our relationship with God and to sabotage our marriages long before they even begin. The best way he can do that is by getting us to take our focus off of the one who invented relationships and place it on everything else. In

No, my desire for marriage had nothing to do with sex or money or family; it had everything to do with not wanting to be alone.

Don’t ever settle for less than true love. Believe that you were made for so much more than this. For

Counseling is not for “crazies,” as the old and quickly dying stigma once implied. On the contrary, it is for strong and courageous men and women who realize that their habits, hurts, and hang-ups are preventing them from living the lives they want to live.

The Bible reveals love as a choice that is based not entirely on a feeling but on the commitment of one person to another. Love is a giving of self with no expectation to receive, a decision made every moment of every day. It is the reality of unconditional love.

Love at first sight is never complete love, because it is based on an emotion rather than a commitment, a feeling rather than a choice. True love is born when two people commit to offer themselves for the sake of the other person. It is a process of growth that deepens a couple’s bond. And

Relationships are pretty simple: what you see is what you get. What you see in your dating relationship likely is the best that person has to offer. It’s problematic when we live for what we hope for in a relationship rather than for what the relationship actually is. If you can’t see it, hear it, or feel it, then it probably isn’t there. Get

There is so much joy to be gained when you are in the right relationship. Don’t waste your time living in a dream with one partner, when you could be experiencing a healthy reality with another. 20.

All over Scripture we’re reminded to plan and prepare, but at the same time we’re balanced by the truth that while we can plan and overplan, the Lord is the One who ultimately maps out our course (Proverbs 16:9). The balance comes in doing our part and trusting God with the rest.

it’s even better to find joy in God Himself and in the pursuit of moving my heart and the heart of others in His direction. I want my delight to come from simply being with Him, following Him, serving Him, and leading others to Him (Psalm 37:4).

don’t think I’ve ever accomplished anything of value without asking for help both from God and from others. I’ve learned not to be afraid to admit that I can’t do it all on my own—because I’ve tried and failed numerous times in my life. The fear of asking limits us not only from accomplishment and success but from growth, from deeper intimacy with others, from trust, from vulnerability, and even from healing.