Covert Narcissism Quotes

Covert manipulators are quite gifted at provocation. As they learn more about you, they are investigating your weak spots and catering their comments towards what they know will hurt you the most. Knowing you’re triggered by their comments gives them a sadistic sense of satisfaction that alleviates their secret sense of inferiority and strokes their delusions of grandeur, control and aptitude. Having control over your emotions also gives them the power to effectively manipulate you and convince you that you don’t deserve any better.

I want you to know that no matter what you did or think you could have done, there is no way this relationship could have thrived. Because covert narcissists do not have empathy, are self-focused, use people, and do not take responsibility for their actions, it is impossible for anyone to have a healthy relationship with them.

CNs are not reflective people and are emotionally immature. They blame others; they don’t take responsibility for themselves, but instead project their own issues onto others.

Covert narcissists are likable to the outside world; they appear to be giving, humble, and kind. It is usually only the person who gets to know them intimately who sees the destructive traits. The rest of the world sees the façade, the “nice guy.” Many therapists don’t see through the mask and indeed are often impressed with how kind and aware the CN is. CNs seem to intensify their behavior around middle age; they rarely change because narcissists blame others and they usually don’t think they have a problem.

CNs aren’t interested in looking at their own issues or changing any of their behaviors.

CNs will seem uncertain about you and other times they will express how you are the only one for them. You never know where you stand with them.

Close relationships can be very difficult with covert narcissists, and they manifest more of an anxious/avoidant attachment style in close relationships

The psychopaths tend to be a more severe variant of malignant narcissism, while the sociopaths tend to be a more severe variant of covert narcissism.

A helpful thing to notice while you are trying to find answers is the fact that men and women who are with healthy people don’t enter words into online search engines such as “toxic relationships”; “energy vampires”; “mean spouses”; “confusing relationships”; “hidden abuse”; “subtle abuse”; “manipulation”; “narcissism”; “covert narcissism”; “sociopaths.” The same is true for people who are going through a divorce or a breakup where they just realized they weren’t a good match, or they fell out of love, or they find themselves wanting other things. If you are searching for answers because you feel utterly confused, you are on the right track because you’re smart. If your body feels weak and flustered around someone, it knows something is not right.

Survivors often feel like prisoners in their own homes during the later stages of the relationship. They are told what they should and should not be doing and treated like children who need guidance.

When you first begin to realize a person you have loved and fully believed loved you is a covert narcissist, it is so hard to accept because you have seen them in such a different light for so long. It is a struggle for the brain to reconcile the man or woman you thought existed with the one who is now treating you with such anger and hostility. This is called cognitive dissonance—having two competing thoughts in your mind at the same time—and is part of the confusing feelings you might be experiencing. It is both painful and exhausting.

There are several types of narcissists. The covert type is one of the most destructive to your heart, psyche, and physical body because you are usually the only one who sees it. People who know the narcissist in your life probably think they are one of the nicest people they’ve ever met and often wish they could be as lucky as you to have a mom, husband, dad, wife, boyfriend, boss, or friend like you do. They feel the same way you did, maybe for a long time, about the covert narcissist in your life. They have witnessed the same illusion, but have not yet identified the truth.

Everyone loves CNs on a surface level. They tend to not have long-lasting friendships with people who know them deeply. They may have friends who have known them for years, but don’t really know them. They are rarely without a partner. After they discard you, they usually move on quickly to another source—another target who will think they are so lucky to have found such a “nice guy” or “nice gal,” just like you did in the beginning.

Covert narcissists seek out certain types of people. They look for people who are kind, authentic, self-reflective, nurturing, loving, and caring people with a conscience. They look for energy supplies. Without these attributes, the narcissist has no use for you, as their manipulative tactics wouldn’t work.

When you hold a belief strongly, it is difficult to believe something that is so contrary to it, even if the evidence is undeniable and staring you in the face. When you start opening your eyes to ways the CN has controlled, manipulated, belittled, and demeaned you for years, this is a huge reality paradigm shift. You will fight hard against the evidence no matter how obvious it is. This stirs up great insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the body. What makes it even harder is that people around you see the CN in a positive light. Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging components of healing and recovery. It takes enormous mental strength to look past strong beliefs you have held and be open to looking honestly at the reality that is presenting itself.

Triangulation can also look like the CN telling his girlfriend about a woman at work who keeps flirting with him. This creates an illusion of him being desirable and instills the fear of her possibly being replaced someday. Emotionally healthy people do not invoke feelings of jealousy and insecurity in people they love.

As with other relationships with CNs, there are a lot of mixed messages and intermittent reinforcement. They will make grand gestures; they might defend you in front of others. They will look out for you at times, as well as demean and devalue you. All the nice acts make you question negative thoughts you have about them.

It is important to know these are master manipulators who could fool just about anyone. People who haven’t experienced this will never fully understand. When others hear the stories, they wonder why the survivor stayed for so long. It all begins with the love-bombing stage, which lays the foundation and sets everything in motion.

Victims do not attract narcissists. They are targeted for their light, narcissists steal what they can never have.

It is the hardest and most foreign thing in the world to consider that someone who “cares” about you and treats you so well in so many ways is also sabotaging and controlling you.

Blindsided, shell-shocked, and baffled are some other ways to describe this time when the CN cuts you off quickly and heartlessly.

One of their ways of controlling is taking no personal responsibility and putting the fault on you for their bad behavior.

CNs do not respect you. They do not care about your feelings. They have a lot of rage and no empathy. They only care about themselves. This is the bottom line.

Words and actions that appear loving contrasted with demeaning and devaluing messages, whether straightforward or subtle.

She will use weapons like shaming and making fun of others in order to make herself look better than everyone else, especially when she feels like her status is being threatened.

I trust my discernment now more than ever because I am paying more attention to how I feel around someone, more than to what they are saying and how they are acting.

One way to know for sure if someone is genuine is to pay attention to the signs of your body, what you are feeling inside.

Intermittent reinforcement in the context of a relationship is when kindness and loving acts are not given consistently, but rather intermittently. In 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, author Adelyn Birch writes, “This is an extremely powerful and effective manipulation tactic. In fact, psychology experts consider it the most powerful motivator in existence.

Decisions made by political leaders, as well as heads of large corporations, affect all of us. If these are made from a place where empathy does not reside, it will not end well. When empathy isn’t present in leadership, decisions are made that hold money and power as the greatest priority instead of the people who reside here and the planet that feeds and shelters us.

One reason covert narcissists are so damaging is because of cognitive dissonance. This is when you have two competing thoughts in your mind. You love your mom, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend and thought they loved you the same. Yet when you look back, their behaviors make you question your beliefs about them. As you reflect, you begin to wonder, Could this person really have been controlling and manipulating me for years and I didn’t see it…or were things really my fault and I’m just overdramatizing my experience? You have a solid belief that has formed over years that this is a good person who cares about you, and at the same time, they are being incredibly cruel and controlling. The cognitive dissonance is dizzying and crazy-making.

The CN will make it very clear they are done but won’t take any action to end the marriage because their reputation is their number-one priority and they don’t want to look like the bad guy/gal.

CNs will throw strong statements at you that make no sense and have no basis in reality, but they speak in such a strong and convincing way it makes you consider things that are obviously false.

At the beginning of a relationship with a covert narcissist, you feel incredibly valued. Then you begin to experience little things, statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you. It is all very subtle. Over a long period of time, you are given the message by someone you love and trust that you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them. The cold, hard truth is you do not matter to them, and unfortunately, the message you end up receiving is that you do not matter, period. The confusing thing is that while you are being devalued, you are also experiencing kindness. You receive beautiful love letters, affection, and loving gestures. You continue to believe this is a good relationship, and your partner loves you. You tell everyone around you how lucky you are to have the partner you do because you sincerely believe that. Your friends tell you they wish their husband/wife/partner was more like yours. However, though you are saying all of these things, you don’t notice your self-image and self-worth slowly declining over time. Through the years, you notice your health isn’t great, you feel depressed, you aren’t that happy, but you contribute these things to other things in life or blame yourself. The way your CN partner treats you goes unnoticed because it has become your normal. You don’t notice the consistent devaluing because it is so subtle. You don’t realize how you feel is a result of the trauma of living with an abuser.

The more my own eyes began to open, the more overwhelming grief and anger I felt. With time, education, and support, this awakening turned into a growing strength and hope inside me. This will happen for you, too. Reading this book is going to be incredibly helpful for you as you begin to awaken to the truth of what you have been through. If you have lived with a covert narcissist, you have been held down for a long time. You have experienced the illusion of love, not the real thing. You have been lied to, manipulated, and controlled. You have not been heard or respected. You were devalued and brutally discarded by someone who said they cared about you, but in fact only cared about themselves. You have experienced an insanity-inducing relationship that is difficult to describe.

When you are with a CN, you learn to ignore your gut feelings, your instincts, and over time believe the narcissist more than yourself. You will come to realize that the CN has slowly programmed you to see things the way they want you to see them, and gave you messages about yourself they want you to believe so they could keep controlling and manipulating you into continuing to be their “supply.

Overt narcissists tend to have shorter marriages and romantic relationships. It is common for people to be married to coverts for decades and not know they are married to one for most of the relationship. It is also common for people to be in dating relationships with covert narcissists (CNs) that go on for years. Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realize the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties.

I want you to know that all the survivors I interviewed were intelligent people. Many of them were aware of psychological concepts. Some are in the mental healthcare field themselves. They are tender and have a tremendous amount of empathy. Many of them are also highly intuitive and aware of toxic behavior. They pick up when something is off with others. These are not naïve people. You can be super smart, as well as highly aware, and still be fooled by a CN.

All the nice acts make you question negative thoughts you have about them. You end up turning on yourself, thinking something is wrong with you. Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I enjoy and appreciate her/him like everyone else seems to?

When you are with a CN, you can never win no matter what you do. They will never be fully satisfied with you. You will never be good enough in their eyes. They have to have something they can hold over you in order to control and manipulate you.

Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they hide these attributes so people will like and trust them. They know if they are obvious about their self-absorbed traits, people won’t like them. They believe they are “special” and entitled, but they know it would turn people off to let that be known. They know they must appear humble to be liked and revered. They know how to play people, how to charm them. They are master manipulators. They don’t have empathy but have learned how to act empathetically. They will look you in the eyes, making you feel special and heard, make sounds and give looks that tell you they care, but they really don’t. They mirror your emotions, so it seems like they have empathy. They have observed and learned how to appear to care. They thrive upon the attention of others. People who think or act as if they are amazing are their energy supply. They have people around them who adore them, respect them, revere them, see them as special and almost perfect, and in some cases seem to worship them.

It is so easy to believe the CN is telling the truth because they act so confidently. They can sound so reasonable, and you are used to trusting them. The thing is, they are professional liars. Your body, on the other hand, is an accurate barometer that will always tell you the truth.

My mom is another constant. She passed away a few years ago, but I carry all loving memories of her with me daily. She was the personification of unconditional love. I always felt fully accepted by her. I don’t ever remember her putting me down through her words or in any other way. She never

You have the most accurate barometer for truth living within you. Every time you choose to trust yourself, you are strengthening a muscle that will someday become second nature. This will trickle into every area of your life—relationships, career, everyday decisions, where to live, where to vacation, etc. You have a gold mine inside you, and the more you use it, trust it, believe in it, the more miracles you will experience. Life will take on a magical feeling. Things will seem to flow with more ease and enjoyment. Your life will unfold in a way where you feel incredibly loved because you are.

The discard phase is excruciating. It is also extremely confounding, to say the least. You saw your CN as one person for years, and now you see someone you don’t recognize, someone cruel and unfeeling. Your head is spinning, and your heart is devastated. You’ve never experienced betrayal, hurt, and confusion like this before.

It is important that you know this was abuse. You thought it was love because they acted like it was; said it was. The truth is you are a survivor of abuse. You have no physical scars, so it is easy and common to underplay what you have been through, but the reality is you are a victim and survivor of psychological and emotional abuse.

They may look lovely, act put-together, sound confident, say nice things, but your stomach rolls in warning. Something is off with this person. I encourage you to listen to that above all else. You now know people can put on the most convincing act and be completely different from the front they are showing. This is a very useful thing to know in life.

Most likely, the discard phase will feel like the most confusing and painful betrayal you’ve ever felt in your life. The person you have loved for years and who you believed loved you back is now saying the cruelest things—things you would have never imagined possible. They treat you like a child, “teach” you, punish you, and tell you how you should behave.

They will also devalue you by letting you think something is your fault when it is actually their issue. This is called projection. They project what is true about them onto you and you end up taking the blame without even noticing. The emotional needs of the victim are not of importance to the CN. Only the CN’s desires, needs, or priorities matter to them.

CNs often use passive-aggressive means to punish you when you do not behave in ways they want. Sometimes they will give you the silent treatment, act as if they didn’t hear you, or be distant when you long for connection. They will pull away and starve you of attention and affection. They will do things to inconvenience you, disrupting your life in some way.

The truth is this relationship never meant the same to them as it did to you. You approached it from a genuine, goodhearted, loving place. They did not. They acted like they did, but it wasn’t genuine. The reality is they have enormous issues and have projected them onto you for years, making you think you are responsible for things that have nothing to do with you.

You have been through a tremendously difficult and painful experience. You have been treated terribly by someone who is selfish and doesn’t care about you. You have been given messages about who you are that are not true. You have been conned, manipulated, lied to, and brainwashed. You have been belittled, talked down to, and treated with disrespect. You were used. You have been emotionally and psychologically abused for years. You have been blamed for things that had nothing to do with you. You have been made to feel like things are wrong with you when they are not. You have been treated in a way that has made you doubt yourself. Someone who does not have your best interests at heart has controlled you. You have experienced the illusion of love, not the real thing. Not even close.

Give yourself permission to be strong. To stand up to people. To go after what you really want. You have permission to not always be nice. Instead, be picky about who you spend your time with. Give yourself permission not to accept poor treatment anymore, from anyone. You are allowed to fully be yourself. We need strong people with a heart like yours. Be the person you would want looking out for you.

A covert narcissist is in some ways a more dangerous abuser. I say this delicately. All abusers are horrific, and all abuse is deplorable; all victims of all types of abuse have been through a tremendous amount. I don’t want to diminish anyone’s pain. The point I’m trying to make is when someone is hitting you or yelling at you it is clearly abuse. Covert abuse is hidden and so subtle, it is far from obvious. Manipulative, covert tactics not only hurt you, they also chip away at your identity, your self-worth, and make you feel like this is all your fault. Covert emotional and psychological abuse is what happens in cults. Leaders who make you feel loved can also talk you into committing suicide. These people are powerful. Do not diminish what you have experienced. You have been controlled and manipulated for years.

The CN paints a false reality and says things about you that aren’t true, but you question yourself, wondering if they are right because they sound so confident and act like they know more than you, and you feel like you can’t think straight. They twist your words and confuse you with strange thinking. This leaves you questioning and doubting yourself constantly. You feel weak, confused, and fearful about your future. You feel alone.

If you feel hopeless, joyless, bewildered, if you second-guess yourself a lot and question whether you are too sensitive, you might be a victim of gaslighting. If you can’t figure out why you are so unhappy when you have so much good in your life, you might be experiencing this type of manipulation. Maybe you find yourself making excuses for your parent or partner’s behavior to friends and family. These are all signs you might be experiencing gaslighting.

It is easy to diminish what you experienced because no one hit you physically or sexually abused you. It is common for victims to wonder if they are blowing their experience out of proportion or overdramatizing it. They often see themselves as the one to blame. This is what the CN wants. They do things to distract you and throw you off of seeing the truth. So many victims stay quiet because they don’t feel they have the right to call it abuse. It is such a strong word that we generally associate with bruises and visible scars, with yelling and screaming.

I dislike that kind of man. He has the Chaplin Disease; that particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge. Like all people with timid personalities his arrogance is unlimited. Anybody who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he loves himself; a very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world - a man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs, in order to free himself from his hang-ups.

When Joanne met her husband and continuing for the first few years of their marriage, she was so impressed by how easily and quickly he apologized. He was better than her at apologizing, better than anyone she knew, really. Looking back, she noticed a pattern of him listening to her express how something he did or said hurt her, then apologizing, then changing his behavior for a couple days, then repeating the same old behavior. After a while, with all the other responsibilities of life, she stopped trying; she learned to just accept things about him that weren’t ideal and enjoy the good parts. He wore her down and subtly taught her it wasn’t worth the effort to confront him and tell him her feelings.

One of the things necessary for healing to take place is recognizing the truth of the relationship and that person. You experienced so many covert lies; it is incredibly helpful to be able to see clearly. The truth is you were in love with an illusion, with the person they portrayed themselves to be. At first, this is an excruciating realization. You will doubt and wonder if you are overinflating this, if they really are innocent and you’re just scared to move on. You will have a ton of self-doubt. Eventually, with education and support, you will see that your hunch, your inner knowing, is on target. In time the truth that you were in love with an illusion will feel like a relief because truth does set you free. That full realization will validate years of confusion you felt, years of unexplained exhaustion and health issues, years of sexual confusion, years of feeling less than, and years of unhappiness, along with anxiety. You lived in an unsafe environment, were demeaned and devalued for years (decades for some of you; entire childhoods for many of you). You did not experience unconditional love; you did not live with someone who treated you with respect, who cherished you, treasured you, and felt so lucky to have you in their life. No, the truth is you experienced a counterfeit. If this was a spouse or romantic partner, this awakening to the truth is excruciating because you did love that person with all your heart. You were dedicated. You were in 100%. The truth is that you were the lifeforce in the relationship. When you’re really honest with yourself, when you look back with clear vision, that life, that love you gave and felt, was never fully reciprocated.

Even though Brad’s words were nice, Dawn could feel his anger toward her underneath them. The conversation began with her telling him how she felt used and somehow ended up with her apologizing and comforting him. He deflected the focus, didn’t address her feelings, and instead turned the attention back on him as the “victim.” She would continue to share with him how she felt over the years, but nothing ever changed. CNs aren’t interested in looking at their own issues or changing any of their behaviors.

This is such a common story. This woman lived for years thinking something was wrong with her. She was being subtly manipulated and devalued at home without seeing it. Her body was reacting. She was slowly dying inside and couldn’t figure out why. Thank goodness for the therapist who understood covert narcissism and recognized the signs.

Gaslighting is subtle, insidious, and intentional, always making you feel like something is wrong with you. When Dawn and Brad were intimate, she told him she felt used after having sex with him and couldn’t figure out why because they had such a great relationship. He never addressed how she felt, never looked at himself to see if there were something he might be doing that would make her feel that way. Instead, what he did was direct her attention to things she might need to change about herself. He also told her she was too sensitive and was reading into things. He distracted her, redirecting the focus onto her so she would doubt herself and not notice his deflection. This planted seeds in her mind that Brad would sow for years to come, making her think there was something wrong with her.

What she didn’t know was one of the worst things you can do is take a CN to therapy, especially in the beginning. Here is why: it’s like a training ground for them. When the counselor tells them what they are doing wrong, how they are hurting you, it shows them which part of their mask is cracking. They learn what you want, and what they need to do to impress you as well as others. They do what the therapist suggests, impressing the target and the therapist. Their heart isn’t in it, but they act like it is. The therapy sessions make you feel even more love and respect for them, once again sealing their image as the perfect mate, ensuring your love and loyalty for a very long time.

Amy left the appointment in a daze. Narcissist? That was the last word she would have used to describe her husband of more than 30 years. She had always seen him as kind, someone she respected. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but most of the time she would have described it as a good marriage. She felt lucky to be with someone so easygoing. However, his behavior over the past year had been vastly different from the man she thought she knew. So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing. Then suddenly, he was done with her. The end of the marriage was shocking and incredibly confusing.

With CNs, it is all about them, but they know how to appear like it isn’t. For example, they despise taking care of you when you are sick or recovering from surgery or an injury. They won’t tell you that, but you feel it. They let you know through passive-aggressive ways. To family and friends, they will tell stories of how much they feel for you and appear to be taking exceptional care of you. They will come across as humble and will be sure to paint a picture of being a great caretaker. People around you will think how lucky you are to have someone so tender and loving by your side. The CN might even do things that look like they are taking care of you, but you will feel their resentment and will find yourself feeling alone and unsupported even though they are doing things that appear to be helpful.

This conditions you to keep trying to please them in order to get the reward of love. It brings you to a place where you lower your standards so much that you become grateful for mediocre treatment that you never would have tolerated when you first met them. You end up believing you don’t deserve any better and that you are not worthy of love and affection. Or you think this is just what happens in marriages. In dating situations, CNs will seem uncertain about you and other times they will express how you are the only one for them. You never know where you stand with them.

hard to trust myself to choose someone who is healthy. I doubt my own discernment because of everything I’ve been through.

I spoke with one woman who would watch her narcissistic mom observe other people's insecurities and shower them with compliments and praise in those areas. Those "targets" felt loved, seen, heard. Her mom didn't care about these people.

Vulnerable narcissists are the victimized, anxious, socially awkward, sullen, broodingly angry, irritable, sad, and resentful narcissists. This type is sometimes termed the covert narcissist. The covert/overt distinction actually refers to the patterns we can and cannot see: overt behaviors, like yelling or manipulating, versus covert behaviors, meaning the narcissist’s thoughts and feelings. Some people also use the term covert narcissist to refer to the narcissistic person’s ability to pass as a nice person when there are people to impress—in essence they are hiding their narcissism from plain view (but behaving badly when there is no audience).

It is very common for a CN to leave their spouse with all or most of the responsibilities of life.

In referring to abuse, I am not referring to a few choice words from a cranky spouse who had a bad day, but someone whose behaviors betray a routine pattern of intentionally hurtful behaviors, neglect, or domination; someone for whom a good day might be an anomaly. This is not the gentleman who loses his temper once in a while, but someone who is a fight waiting to happen. His lifestyle is characterized by narcissism (extreme self-centeredness) evidenced by various overt or covert forms of domination, intimidation and hostility. Do you feel as though you must walk on eggshells? Are you always striving to keep the peace? Do you keep your mouth shut most of the time, while in your heart and mind there is a growing burden of stress and fear? Do you try to convince yourself – or does he – that perhaps you are being excessively critical, overly sensitive or paranoid? Is your life a combination of confusion, hurt and anger that you work to keep under wraps as you try to maintain a modicum of normalcy in your home? It may be past time to take a closer look at how it all began and, if necessary, determine whether or how to get out and go on.

What she didn't know was one of the worst things you can do is take a CN to therapy, especially in the beginning. Here is why: it's like a training ground for them. When the counselor tells them what they are doing wrong, how they are hurting you, it shoes them which part they need to do to impress you as well as others. They do what the therapist suggests, impressing the target and the therapist. Their heart isn't in it, but they act like it is.

She would continue to share with him how she felt over the years, but nothing ever changed. CNs aren’t interested in looking at their own issues or changing any of their behaviors.

It is easy for them to manipulate you into thinking you are being selfish and inconsiderate.

Brad told Dawn how this affected him. He had needs, and she wasn’t fulfilling them. She felt terrible. Even though this all started with her feeling used because her body, her intuition knew she was being used, it turned into her taking the blame for their diminishing sex life, feeling a heavy burden of shame and guilt, and believing something was wrong with her.

Dawn’s body knew she was not being loved and that she was not emotionally safe with Brad, so her body shut down. She lost all desire for sex.

The word “covert” is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “not openly shown.” “Passive-aggressive” is defined as “displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way.

The CN also becomes more aggressive with their words and actions than you’ve seen before, but once again, you are the only one who sees this side of them.

The thing you start noticing when you become aware of the issues with the CN is that most of what they say about you is actually a projection of what is true of them.

CNs are very passive. They put the responsibility on you to make sure they are happy and blame you when they’re not.

Over a long period of time, you are given the message by someone you love and trust that you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them.

Her husband of 18 years was suddenly done with her, telling her how happy he was without her, blaming her for all kinds of things. He told her how unhappy he had been the whole time they were married and listed all the ways it was her fault.

A CN will control you through their moods, through looks they give you, through statements they make that may not seem like putdowns on the surface but make you feel badly about yourself. They will say nothing is wrong when it feels to you like something is wrong.

Most likely, the discard phase will feel like the most confusing and painful betrayal you’ve ever felt in your life. The person you have loved for years and who you believed loved you back is now saying the cruelest things—things you would have never imagined possible.

When a CN lies and you confront them about it, they will not acknowledge your feelings as would happen in a healthy relationship. They will never put themselves in your shoes. Instead, they will deflect, so the negative attention gets turned around on you and off of them. They will blame you for their bad behavior: “You made me do it, you drove me to it, this is your fault…” Hoovering

CNs are not people who fight for relationships or put much work into them at all. Most survivors say they were the ones planning dates, initiating communication, and trying to nurture the relationship. If there are issues in the marriage or partnership, CNs are not the ones to try to find solutions and work through things to come back together. They have no interest in putting effort into relationships.

CNs observe you and groom you, and they know exactly what you need to hear to get you back. For them, it’s all about control.

They will say things like, “I am taking responsibility for my part of this, but you aren’t taking any.

CNs have a lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage.

Am I controlling and manipulative like he’s saying I am and I just don’t see it? Am I inconsiderate? Maybe I have been selfish? I can’t think clearly. I can’t even see what is true about me anymore.

Their rage controls the climate of the home and keeps people feeling like they are walking on eggshells. This is one way they maintain control of people close to them.

If a target brings any of this to the CN’s attention, the CN will find a way to turn it around and make something the target’s fault.

He was continuously telling her all the things he believed were wrong with her and blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work. All of this seemed to come out of nowhere. After 30 years, he moved out and made sure she knew how much happier he was without her. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that this was ending. He wanted out, and according to him, it was all her fault.

Narcissists are deeply unhappy people. They get jealous of you when you are experiencing life and happiness. They do not want you to be happy and strong, as those feelings threaten their ability to control you. They

So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing.

Here are some common things I have heard survivors say they have been told by their CN: You are controlling, manipulative, inconsiderate; you don’t care about my feelings; you are lazy; it’s all about you; I can’t trust you; you only did that so you would look good to others.

A CN will say loving and nice things to you, compliment you, make you dinner, buy you gifts, but only on a random basis. Mixed in with this nice, loving behavior that keeps you thinking this is the person you fell in love with is also belittling that keeps you feeling weak and small, silent treatment that makes you think you’ve done something wrong, moodiness that makes you believe you are the source of their unhappiness, and several other means of making you feel insecure and not good enough.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster run off their moods, and it keeps you constantly giving them attention. As long as you are doing this, you are useful to them as their energy supply. This keeps you off-kilter and susceptible to manipulation and control.

They are big fans of deflecting the focus off them and onto you, making themselves the victims and blaming you for all kinds of things that are massive distortions of reality.

It is insidious abuse because no one sees it, but the victim feels it profoundly. It affects every fiber of their being.