Covert Narcissism Quotes

I want you to know that no matter what you did or think you could have done, there is no way this relationship could have thrived. Because covert narcissists do not have empathy, are self-focused, use people, and do not take responsibility for their actions, it is impossible for anyone to have a healthy relationship with them.

CNs are not reflective people and are emotionally immature. They blame others; they don’t take responsibility for themselves, but instead project their own issues onto others.

Covert narcissists are likable to the outside world; they appear to be giving, humble, and kind. It is usually only the person who gets to know them intimately who sees the destructive traits. The rest of the world sees the façade, the “nice guy.” Many therapists don’t see through the mask and indeed are often impressed with how kind and aware the CN is. CNs seem to intensify their behavior around middle age; they rarely change because narcissists blame others and they usually don’t think they have a problem.

CNs will seem uncertain about you and other times they will express how you are the only one for them. You never know where you stand with them.

CNs aren’t interested in looking at their own issues or changing any of their behaviors.

The psychopaths tend to be a more severe variant of malignant narcissism, while the sociopaths tend to be a more severe variant of covert narcissism.

Close relationships can be very difficult with covert narcissists, and they manifest more of an anxious/avoidant attachment style in close relationships

A helpful thing to notice while you are trying to find answers is the fact that men and women who are with healthy people don’t enter words into online search engines such as “toxic relationships”; “energy vampires”; “mean spouses”; “confusing relationships”; “hidden abuse”; “subtle abuse”; “manipulation”; “narcissism”; “covert narcissism”; “sociopaths.” The same is true for people who are going through a divorce or a breakup where they just realized they weren’t a good match, or they fell out of love, or they find themselves wanting other things. If you are searching for answers because you feel utterly confused, you are on the right track because you’re smart. If your body feels weak and flustered around someone, it knows something is not right.

Survivors often feel like prisoners in their own homes during the later stages of the relationship. They are told what they should and should not be doing and treated like children who need guidance.

When you first begin to realize a person you have loved and fully believed loved you is a covert narcissist, it is so hard to accept because you have seen them in such a different light for so long. It is a struggle for the brain to reconcile the man or woman you thought existed with the one who is now treating you with such anger and hostility. This is called cognitive dissonance—having two competing thoughts in your mind at the same time—and is part of the confusing feelings you might be experiencing. It is both painful and exhausting.

There are several types of narcissists. The covert type is one of the most destructive to your heart, psyche, and physical body because you are usually the only one who sees it. People who know the narcissist in your life probably think they are one of the nicest people they’ve ever met and often wish they could be as lucky as you to have a mom, husband, dad, wife, boyfriend, boss, or friend like you do. They feel the same way you did, maybe for a long time, about the covert narcissist in your life. They have witnessed the same illusion, but have not yet identified the truth.

Everyone loves CNs on a surface level. They tend to not have long-lasting friendships with people who know them deeply. They may have friends who have known them for years, but don’t really know them. They are rarely without a partner. After they discard you, they usually move on quickly to another source—another target who will think they are so lucky to have found such a “nice guy” or “nice gal,” just like you did in the beginning.

Covert narcissists seek out certain types of people. They look for people who are kind, authentic, self-reflective, nurturing, loving, and caring people with a conscience. They look for energy supplies. Without these attributes, the narcissist has no use for you, as their manipulative tactics wouldn’t work.

When you hold a belief strongly, it is difficult to believe something that is so contrary to it, even if the evidence is undeniable and staring you in the face. When you start opening your eyes to ways the CN has controlled, manipulated, belittled, and demeaned you for years, this is a huge reality paradigm shift. You will fight hard against the evidence no matter how obvious it is. This stirs up great insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the body. What makes it even harder is that people around you see the CN in a positive light. Cognitive dissonance is one of the most challenging components of healing and recovery. It takes enormous mental strength to look past strong beliefs you have held and be open to looking honestly at the reality that is presenting itself.

Triangulation can also look like the CN telling his girlfriend about a woman at work who keeps flirting with him. This creates an illusion of him being desirable and instills the fear of her possibly being replaced someday. Emotionally healthy people do not invoke feelings of jealousy and insecurity in people they love.

As with other relationships with CNs, there are a lot of mixed messages and intermittent reinforcement. They will make grand gestures; they might defend you in front of others. They will look out for you at times, as well as demean and devalue you. All the nice acts make you question negative thoughts you have about them.

It is important to know these are master manipulators who could fool just about anyone. People who haven’t experienced this will never fully understand. When others hear the stories, they wonder why the survivor stayed for so long. It all begins with the love-bombing stage, which lays the foundation and sets everything in motion.

CNs do not respect you. They do not care about your feelings. They have a lot of rage and no empathy. They only care about themselves. This is the bottom line.

One of their ways of controlling is taking no personal responsibility and putting the fault on you for their bad behavior.

One way to know for sure if someone is genuine is to pay attention to the signs of your body, what you are feeling inside.

Blindsided, shell-shocked, and baffled are some other ways to describe this time when the CN cuts you off quickly and heartlessly.

Words and actions that appear loving contrasted with demeaning and devaluing messages, whether straightforward or subtle.

It is the hardest and most foreign thing in the world to consider that someone who “cares” about you and treats you so well in so many ways is also sabotaging and controlling you.

I trust my discernment now more than ever because I am paying more attention to how I feel around someone, more than to what they are saying and how they are acting.

Victims do not attract narcissists. They are targeted for their light, narcissists steal what they can never have.

She will use weapons like shaming and making fun of others in order to make herself look better than everyone else, especially when she feels like her status is being threatened.

Intermittent reinforcement in the context of a relationship is when kindness and loving acts are not given consistently, but rather intermittently. In 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, author Adelyn Birch writes, “This is an extremely powerful and effective manipulation tactic. In fact, psychology experts consider it the most powerful motivator in existence.

Decisions made by political leaders, as well as heads of large corporations, affect all of us. If these are made from a place where empathy does not reside, it will not end well. When empathy isn’t present in leadership, decisions are made that hold money and power as the greatest priority instead of the people who reside here and the planet that feeds and shelters us.

One reason covert narcissists are so damaging is because of cognitive dissonance. This is when you have two competing thoughts in your mind. You love your mom, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend and thought they loved you the same. Yet when you look back, their behaviors make you question your beliefs about them. As you reflect, you begin to wonder, Could this person really have been controlling and manipulating me for years and I didn’t see it…or were things really my fault and I’m just overdramatizing my experience? You have a solid belief that has formed over years that this is a good person who cares about you, and at the same time, they are being incredibly cruel and controlling. The cognitive dissonance is dizzying and crazy-making.

CNs will throw strong statements at you that make no sense and have no basis in reality, but they speak in such a strong and convincing way it makes you consider things that are obviously false.

The CN will make it very clear they are done but won’t take any action to end the marriage because their reputation is their number-one priority and they don’t want to look like the bad guy/gal.

At the beginning of a relationship with a covert narcissist, you feel incredibly valued. Then you begin to experience little things, statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you. It is all very subtle. Over a long period of time, you are given the message by someone you love and trust that you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them. The cold, hard truth is you do not matter to them, and unfortunately, the message you end up receiving is that you do not matter, period. The confusing thing is that while you are being devalued, you are also experiencing kindness. You receive beautiful love letters, affection, and loving gestures. You continue to believe this is a good relationship, and your partner loves you. You tell everyone around you how lucky you are to have the partner you do because you sincerely believe that. Your friends tell you they wish their husband/wife/partner was more like yours. However, though you are saying all of these things, you don’t notice your self-image and self-worth slowly declining over time. Through the years, you notice your health isn’t great, you feel depressed, you aren’t that happy, but you contribute these things to other things in life or blame yourself. The way your CN partner treats you goes unnoticed because it has become your normal. You don’t notice the consistent devaluing because it is so subtle. You don’t realize how you feel is a result of the trauma of living with an abuser.

The more my own eyes began to open, the more overwhelming grief and anger I felt. With time, education, and support, this awakening turned into a growing strength and hope inside me. This will happen for you, too. Reading this book is going to be incredibly helpful for you as you begin to awaken to the truth of what you have been through. If you have lived with a covert narcissist, you have been held down for a long time. You have experienced the illusion of love, not the real thing. You have been lied to, manipulated, and controlled. You have not been heard or respected. You were devalued and brutally discarded by someone who said they cared about you, but in fact only cared about themselves. You have experienced an insanity-inducing relationship that is difficult to describe.

When you are with a CN, you learn to ignore your gut feelings, your instincts, and over time believe the narcissist more than yourself. You will come to realize that the CN has slowly programmed you to see things the way they want you to see them, and gave you messages about yourself they want you to believe so they could keep controlling and manipulating you into continuing to be their “supply.

Overt narcissists tend to have shorter marriages and romantic relationships. It is common for people to be married to coverts for decades and not know they are married to one for most of the relationship. It is also common for people to be in dating relationships with covert narcissists (CNs) that go on for years. Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realize the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties.

I want you to know that all the survivors I interviewed were intelligent people. Many of them were aware of psychological concepts. Some are in the mental healthcare field themselves. They are tender and have a tremendous amount of empathy. Many of them are also highly intuitive and aware of toxic behavior. They pick up when something is off with others. These are not naïve people. You can be super smart, as well as highly aware, and still be fooled by a CN.

All the nice acts make you question negative thoughts you have about them. You end up turning on yourself, thinking something is wrong with you. Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I enjoy and appreciate her/him like everyone else seems to?

When you are with a CN, you can never win no matter what you do. They will never be fully satisfied with you. You will never be good enough in their eyes. They have to have something they can hold over you in order to control and manipulate you.

Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they hide these attributes so people will like and trust them. They know if they are obvious about their self-absorbed traits, people won’t like them. They believe they are “special” and entitled, but they know it would turn people off to let that be known. They know they must appear humble to be liked and revered. They know how to play people, how to charm them. They are master manipulators. They don’t have empathy but have learned how to act empathetically. They will look you in the eyes, making you feel special and heard, make sounds and give looks that tell you they care, but they really don’t. They mirror your emotions, so it seems like they have empathy. They have observed and learned how to appear to care. They thrive upon the attention of others. People who think or act as if they are amazing are their energy supply. They have people around them who adore them, respect them, revere them, see them as special and almost perfect, and in some cases seem to worship them.

It is so easy to believe the CN is telling the truth because they act so confidently. They can sound so reasonable, and you are used to trusting them. The thing is, they are professional liars. Your body, on the other hand, is an accurate barometer that will always tell you the truth.

My mom is another constant. She passed away a few years ago, but I carry all loving memories of her with me daily. She was the personification of unconditional love. I always felt fully accepted by her. I don’t ever remember her putting me down through her words or in any other way. She never

You have the most accurate barometer for truth living within you. Every time you choose to trust yourself, you are strengthening a muscle that will someday become second nature. This will trickle into every area of your life—relationships, career, everyday decisions, where to live, where to vacation, etc. You have a gold mine inside you, and the more you use it, trust it, believe in it, the more miracles you will experience. Life will take on a magical feeling. Things will seem to flow with more ease and enjoyment. Your life will unfold in a way where you feel incredibly loved because you are.

The discard phase is excruciating. It is also extremely confounding, to say the least. You saw your CN as one person for years, and now you see someone you don’t recognize, someone cruel and unfeeling. Your head is spinning, and your heart is devastated. You’ve never experienced betrayal, hurt, and confusion like this before.

It is important that you know this was abuse. You thought it was love because they acted like it was; said it was. The truth is you are a survivor of abuse. You have no physical scars, so it is easy and common to underplay what you have been through, but the reality is you are a victim and survivor of psychological and emotional abuse.

They may look lovely, act put-together, sound confident, say nice things, but your stomach rolls in warning. Something is off with this person. I encourage you to listen to that above all else. You now know people can put on the most convincing act and be completely different from the front they are showing. This is a very useful thing to know in life.

Most likely, the discard phase will feel like the most confusing and painful betrayal you’ve ever felt in your life. The person you have loved for years and who you believed loved you back is now saying the cruelest things—things you would have never imagined possible. They treat you like a child, “teach” you, punish you, and tell you how you should behave.

They will also devalue you by letting you think something is your fault when it is actually their issue. This is called projection. They project what is true about them onto you and you end up taking the blame without even noticing. The emotional needs of the victim are not of importance to the CN. Only the CN’s desires, needs, or priorities matter to them.

CNs often use passive-aggressive means to punish you when you do not behave in ways they want. Sometimes they will give you the silent treatment, act as if they didn’t hear you, or be distant when you long for connection. They will pull away and starve you of attention and affection. They will do things to inconvenience you, disrupting your life in some way.

The truth is this relationship never meant the same to them as it did to you. You approached it from a genuine, goodhearted, loving place. They did not. They acted like they did, but it wasn’t genuine. The reality is they have enormous issues and have projected them onto you for years, making you think you are responsible for things that have nothing to do with you.

You have been through a tremendously difficult and painful experience. You have been treated terribly by someone who is selfish and doesn’t care about you. You have been given messages about who you are that are not true. You have been conned, manipulated, lied to, and brainwashed. You have been belittled, talked down to, and treated with disrespect. You were used. You have been emotionally and psychologically abused for years. You have been blamed for things that had nothing to do with you. You have been made to feel like things are wrong with you when they are not. You have been treated in a way that has made you doubt yourself. Someone who does not have your best interests at heart has controlled you. You have experienced the illusion of love, not the real thing. Not even close.

Give yourself permission to be strong. To stand up to people. To go after what you really want. You have permission to not always be nice. Instead, be picky about who you spend your time with. Give yourself permission not to accept poor treatment anymore, from anyone. You are allowed to fully be yourself. We need strong people with a heart like yours. Be the person you would want looking out for you.

A covert narcissist is in some ways a more dangerous abuser. I say this delicately. All abusers are horrific, and all abuse is deplorable; all victims of all types of abuse have been through a tremendous amount. I don’t want to diminish anyone’s pain. The point I’m trying to make is when someone is hitting you or yelling at you it is clearly abuse. Covert abuse is hidden and so subtle, it is far from obvious. Manipulative, covert tactics not only hurt you, they also chip away at your identity, your self-worth, and make you feel like this is all your fault. Covert emotional and psychological abuse is what happens in cults. Leaders who make you feel loved can also talk you into committing suicide. These people are powerful. Do not diminish what you have experienced. You have been controlled and manipulated for years.

The CN paints a false reality and says things about you that aren’t true, but you question yourself, wondering if they are right because they sound so confident and act like they know more than you, and you feel like you can’t think straight. They twist your words and confuse you with strange thinking. This leaves you questioning and doubting yourself constantly. You feel weak, confused, and fearful about your future. You feel alone.

If you feel hopeless, joyless, bewildered, if you second-guess yourself a lot and question whether you are too sensitive, you might be a victim of gaslighting. If you can’t figure out why you are so unhappy when you have so much good in your life, you might be experiencing this type of manipulation. Maybe you find yourself making excuses for your parent or partner’s behavior to friends and family. These are all signs you might be experiencing gaslighting.

It is easy to diminish what you experienced because no one hit you physically or sexually abused you. It is common for victims to wonder if they are blowing their experience out of proportion or overdramatizing it. They often see themselves as the one to blame. This is what the CN wants. They do things to distract you and throw you off of seeing the truth. So many victims stay quiet because they don’t feel they have the right to call it abuse. It is such a strong word that we generally associate with bruises and visible scars, with yelling and screaming.

I dislike that kind of man. He has the Chaplin Disease; that particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge. Like all people with timid personalities his arrogance is unlimited. Anybody who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he loves himself; a very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world - a man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs, in order to free himself from his hang-ups.

When Joanne met her husband and continuing for the first few years of their marriage, she was so impressed by how easily and quickly he apologized. He was better than her at apologizing, better than anyone she knew, really. Looking back, she noticed a pattern of him listening to her express how something he did or said hurt her, then apologizing, then changing his behavior for a couple days, then repeating the same old behavior. After a while, with all the other responsibilities of life, she stopped trying; she learned to just accept things about him that weren’t ideal and enjoy the good parts. He wore her down and subtly taught her it wasn’t worth the effort to confront him and tell him her feelings.

One of the things necessary for healing to take place is recognizing the truth of the relationship and that person. You experienced so many covert lies; it is incredibly helpful to be able to see clearly. The truth is you were in love with an illusion, with the person they portrayed themselves to be. At first, this is an excruciating realization. You will doubt and wonder if you are overinflating this, if they really are innocent and you’re just scared to move on. You will have a ton of self-doubt. Eventually, with education and support, you will see that your hunch, your inner knowing, is on target. In time the truth that you were in love with an illusion will feel like a relief because truth does set you free. That full realization will validate years of confusion you felt, years of unexplained exhaustion and health issues, years of sexual confusion, years of feeling less than, and years of unhappiness, along with anxiety. You lived in an unsafe environment, were demeaned and devalued for years (decades for some of you; entire childhoods for many of you). You did not experience unconditional love; you did not live with someone who treated you with respect, who cherished you, treasured you, and felt so lucky to have you in their life. No, the truth is you experienced a counterfeit. If this was a spouse or romantic partner, this awakening to the truth is excruciating because you did love that person with all your heart. You were dedicated. You were in 100%. The truth is that you were the lifeforce in the relationship. When you’re really honest with yourself, when you look back with clear vision, that life, that love you gave and felt, was never fully reciprocated.

But, just when you do think they are vulnerable or depressed, they will launch into an overly intellectualized debate about something and try to “beat you” at it (everyone has one covert narcissistic relative who holds the table hostage with a conversation in which he or she needs to be the expert and humiliate or at least “get one over” on anyone who may share that expertise).

basically argued that covert narcissists are actually grandiose, but they don’t advertise it.

When dealing with a narcissist, it is always important to be wary of what they are saying and why they are saying it. A narcissist often will stray away from the actual issue and begin targeting you personally. They will purposely try to agitate you and will try to draw out an extreme reaction because the moment you lose control over your emotions, you are also losing control over the situation. If your partner can always influence you to lose your cool and become overly sensitive when an issue is brought up, that gives them more leverage to get their way and to put you down simply because you cared deeply about something.

Some narcissists live constantly in the Pity mode, and these are known as Covert Narcissists, or according to Paul Wink in his paper, The Two Faces of Narcissism2, they have Vulnerability-Sensitivity. The traditional narcissists that we know and don’t love are known as Overt Narcissist, and they have Grandiosity-Exhibitionism.

The CN will sometimes foster this idea to minimize their abusive behavior. Painting a picture that they just weren’t a good match devalues and minimizes trauma the victim has experienced and is experiencing and makes them question them self once again.

A covert narcissist can appear to be a loving partner for a long time. Their behavior often becomes more aggressive at the end of the relationship. This is when the narcissistic traits listed in the DSM-IV become more obvious; the sense of entitlement and superiority, the arrogant attitude, becomes more pronounced. They will still be covert with others, but the survivor will see and experience more of the overt traits coming to the surface. Their mask cracks when you, the survivor, begin trusting yourself. The stronger you become, the less they can control and manipulate you. When this happens, they no longer need you. You are no longer supplying them. This is when you feel their rage more than ever. This is when their behavior turns aggressive, cruel, and shocking.

Brad made comments over the years about how easy it would be for Dawn to be a nun, or wondering if she was a lesbian.

Intermittent reinforcement is a conditioning behavior where CNs set the rules. Their love is inconsistent and on their terms. This leaves you feeling unstable and longing for their love and attention. The relationship becomes a mixture of subtle cruelty and periodic affection. They will woo you and withhold from you. This conditions you to keep trying to please them in order to get the reward of love. It brings you to a place where you lower your standards so much that you become grateful for mediocre treatment that you never would have tolerated when you first met them. You end up believing you don’t deserve any better and that you are not worthy of love and affection.

Cognitive dissonance is when you hold two conflicting beliefs in your mind. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as, “Psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.” This is what makes covert narcissistic abuse so confusing and difficult. For so long you believed this person was kind and genuine. You believed with all your heart this person loved and cared about you. When you start to experience cruelty from them that is more overt or when you begin to discover they have many narcissistic traits, this messes with your mind because seeing them as manipulative and controlling contrasts the belief that they are loving, kind, and innocent.

The difficulty recognizing this problem early in your relationship with him is due to the fact that the deeper issues of narcissism can exist behind many different personas. A covert type of NPD person may appear shy, with a quiet authority. You, therefore, assume this individual has a quality of humility and expect that he will be sensitive to your feelings.

When we see real love demonstrated, it helps us recognize the reality of the mess we had in our lives. It helps us see that it was all words with no actions to match.

A CN will control you through their moods, through looks they give you, through statements they make that may not seem like putdowns on the surface but make you feel badly about yourself. They will say nothing is wrong when it feels to you like something is wrong. During the devaluing phase, the victims are programmed to not trust themselves.

Covert narcissists are not capable of real love. It was an illusion. That is an incredibly painful and disheartening realization.

The ironic thing is the CN usually initiates the end of the relationship, but it is often the survivor who actually files for divorce. The CN wants to be liked, to be seen as the victim, not the one who destroyed a family. They want people to feel sorry for them and see you as the one to blame. How they look to others is their top priority.

This can look like advice they give you or “constructive criticism.” This can be especially cloaked when they are parents. They come across like they are just trying to help guide you, but you leave feeling disempowered and scared of life, believing you don’t have what it takes to figure things out. You get the subtle message you are doing things wrong, but it comes in the form of “concern for you.” You feel the life go out of you and don’t know why.

Covert narcissists tend to be financially successful people. They want to look good to others, and this is all part of the image that is so important to them. Because of this, they can often be found in leadership positions in organizations.

When you start out working with or for these people, they seem like the dream boss, coworker, or partner. You feel incredibly lucky to be working with them. They compliment you and make you feel valued and needed. They are often described as charismatic people, the boss or employee everyone likes. CN bosses are easy to work with, and many victims feel relieved to have a boss like them after experiencing difficult employers in the past. However, they are often chameleons who mirror the people they are around, so everyone feels like they are seen by them and understood. They win people’s trust quickly. They are charming, but not in a creepy-player kind of way. They seem like the real deal. Easygoing, smart, not a big ego, endearing—these are words I have heard to describe this type of person. As in romantic relationships, a CN boss will take you through the three stages. They will love bomb you in the beginning. It will feel easy, exciting, fun. They might make grandiose promises of your future with the company, your financial success, and your involvement in projects you love. You will feel excited and so lucky to have gotten this opportunity, telling your friends and family all the glowing stories of this new boss. Sometimes this person becomes a trusted friend.

It brings you to a place where you lower your standards so much that you become grateful for mediocre treatment that you never would have tolerated when you first met them.

CNs don’t have empathy, but they know how to act like they do. The same goes for apologies. They can be very adept at saying they are sorry without actually meaning it. They appease you for the time being, but have no interest in changing to improve the relationship or treat you better.

CNs often use passive-aggressive means to punish you when you do not behave in ways they want. Sometimes they will give you the silent treatment, act as if they didn’t hear you,

You have been lied to, manipulated, and controlled. You have not been heard or respected. You were devalued and brutally discarded by someone who said they cared about you, but in fact only cared about themselves.

People with no empathy have no remorse and act out of their own selfishness, hurting others and not feeling badly about it. They excuse their destructive behavior and blame others.

Everyone around her loved him and was constantly confirming how lucky she was. The trap of the powerful love-bombing stage had been laid, so she trusted the way he appeared more than things she was feeling deep inside. She excused things he did that were unkind and disrespectful, believing he loved and cared about her. Her body knew better and was trying to warn her. She was feeling stressed and trapped for a reason. She had difficulty trusting him because her body knew he could not be trusted. She didn’t realize how much she could trust herself.

The truth is this relationship never meant the same to them as it did to you. You approached it from a genuine, goodhearted, loving place. They did not. They acted like they did, but it wasn’t genuine. The reality is they have enormous issues and have projected them onto you for years, making you think you are responsible for things that have nothing to do with you. A big part of healing is recognizing the truth and coming to the place where you can accept that it really was all an illusion. This takes time and can’t be forced. Accepting what really happened is a natural result that comes with educating yourself on covert narcissism, getting support, and learning to trust yourself and treat yourself with the utmost love and kindness.

When Is It Emotional Abuse?” defined emotional abuse as: …an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice. Emotional abuse in our culture is pervasive and damaging, and it’s as relevant a topic as physical and sexual abuse. Emotional abuse undercuts a person’s foundational self-confidence and love of self and replaces them with confusion about self-worth, value, justice, mercy, and love.

A covert narcissist is in some ways a more dangerous abuser. I say this delicately. All abusers are horrific, and all abuse is deplorable; all victims of all types of abuse have been through a tremendous amount. I don’t want to diminish anyone’s pain. The point I’m trying to make is when someone is hitting you or yelling at you it is clearly abuse. Covert abuse is hidden and so subtle, it is far from obvious. Manipulative, covert tactics not only hurt you, they also chip away at your identity, your self-worth, and make you feel like this is all your fault. Covert emotional and psychological abuse is what happens in cults. Leaders who make you feel loved can also talk you into committing suicide. These people are powerful. Do not diminish what you have experienced. You have been controlled and manipulated for years. You are a victim of abuse.

Loving, healthy, life-giving relationships require certain essential traits, such as putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, showing respect, really listening, caring about the other person’s feelings, being self-reflective, and wanting the best for the other person. The relationship can only work if both people have these traits.

So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing.

He was continuously telling her all the things he believed were wrong with her and blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work. All of this seemed to come out of nowhere. After 30 years, he moved out and made sure she knew how much happier he was without her. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that this was ending. He wanted out, and according to him, it was all her fault.

Am I controlling and manipulative like he’s saying I am and I just don’t see it? Am I inconsiderate? Maybe I have been selfish? I can’t think clearly. I can’t even see what is true about me anymore.

CNs have a lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage.

Their rage controls the climate of the home and keeps people feeling like they are walking on eggshells. This is one way they maintain control of people close to them.

If a target brings any of this to the CN’s attention, the CN will find a way to turn it around and make something the target’s fault.

When a CN lies and you confront them about it, they will not acknowledge your feelings as would happen in a healthy relationship. They will never put themselves in your shoes. Instead, they will deflect, so the negative attention gets turned around on you and off of them. They will blame you for their bad behavior: “You made me do it, you drove me to it, this is your fault…” Hoovering

CNs observe you and groom you, and they know exactly what you need to hear to get you back. For them, it’s all about control.

Narcissists are deeply unhappy people. They get jealous of you when you are experiencing life and happiness. They do not want you to be happy and strong, as those feelings threaten their ability to control you. They

Here are some common things I have heard survivors say they have been told by their CN: You are controlling, manipulative, inconsiderate; you don’t care about my feelings; you are lazy; it’s all about you; I can’t trust you; you only did that so you would look good to others.

They will say things like, “I am taking responsibility for my part of this, but you aren’t taking any.

The word “covert” is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “not openly shown.” “Passive-aggressive” is defined as “displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way.

Over a long period of time, you are given the message by someone you love and trust that you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them.

Her husband of 18 years was suddenly done with her, telling her how happy he was without her, blaming her for all kinds of things. He told her how unhappy he had been the whole time they were married and listed all the ways it was her fault.

A CN will control you through their moods, through looks they give you, through statements they make that may not seem like putdowns on the surface but make you feel badly about yourself. They will say nothing is wrong when it feels to you like something is wrong.