Colleen Hoover Reminders Of Him Quotes

There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you.

Now that I’ve forgiven myself, the reminders of him only make me smile.

Reading is a hobby, but for some of us, it’s an escape from the difficulties we face. To all of you who escape into books, I want to thank you for escaping into this one.

Is that . . . is that a fucking pigeon?

We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow.

People say you fall in love, but fall is such a sad word when you think about it. Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death. Whoever was the first person to say they fell in love must have already fallen out of it. Otherwise, they’d have called it something much better.

Grudges are heavy, but for the people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

It proves that time, distance, and devastation allow people enough opportunity to craft villains out of people they don’t even know.

A good person who had one bad night. It happens to the best of us. The worst of us. All of us. Some of us are just luckier than others, and our bad moments have fewer casualties.

Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can.

Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.

happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

I want to learn how to talk to people without wishing I could retract every word I said.

I take a drink of my coffee and close my eyes and cry because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

So, you decide right now, right here. Are you gonna live in your sadness or are you gonna die in it?

have a daughter I have never held. She has a scent I have never smelled. She has a name I have never yelled. She has a mother who has already failed. Love, Kenna

Sometimes I wonder if we’re all born with equal amounts of good and evil. What if no one person is more or less malevolent than another, and that we all just release our bad at different times, in different ways?

no matter how much you love someone, you can still do despicable things to them.

Music still makes me think of Scotty, but thinking of Scotty no longer makes me sad. Now that I’ve forgiven myself, the reminders of him only make me smile.

surely no one dies when they’re at their happiest.

I don’t like that the one person I dislike most in this world reminds me of the person I love the most.

He smells like limes and bad decisions.

In a matter of a few weeks, I went from hating you to liking you to wanting the world for you, so forgive me if those feelings sometimes overlap.

It’s as if I’m witnessing her become a mother. It might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

There are people who find peace in forgiveness, and then there are others who look at forgiveness as a betrayal. To them, forgiving me would feel like betraying their own son. I can only hope they change their minds someday, but until then, this is my life. This is where it’s led me.

How many losses can one person take before they just throw in the fucking towel, Scotty? Because it sure is starting to feel like I’m all out of wins, here.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings, so I wad them up and try to keep them stuffed in my throat, or my stomach, or wherever people tuck away this shit

I never even got to look into the eyes of the human Scotty and I made.

Crying seems to be the only thing left in life that I’m good at. Crying and making bad decisions.

sometimes we do things for people we love, even though we wouldn’t choose to do those things for ourselves.

Reality is depressing as fuck.

In the end, if there's nothing good going on in your life, almost every song becomes depressing, no matter what it's about.

She’s quiet in a fierce way—a storm that sneaks up on you, and you don’t know it’s there until you feel the thunder rattle your bones.

It'll be hard to read. But I'm not asking you to read it because I'm in love with Kenna. I'm asking you to read it because your son was in love with her.

You were more than I deserved, even though you’d argue with that.

Sometimes I wonder what Scotty would think if he could see us. It makes me hope that an afterlife doesn’t exist, because if it does, Scotty is probably the only sad person in heaven.

Regret keeps you stuck on pause. So does prison. When you get out of here, make sure you hit play so you don’t forget to move forward.

Sometimes things seem good and perfect in the moment, but when you get hours of reflection afterward, the perfection can morph into something else.

Here’s the thing. It shouldn’t matter if a mother isn’t perfect. It shouldn’t matter if she’s made one big, horrible mistake in the past, or a lot of little ones. If she wants to see her child, she should be allowed to see her, even if it’s just once. I know from experience that if you’re going to grow up with an imperfect mother, it’s better to grow up knowing your imperfect mother is fighting for you than to grow up knowing she doesn’t give a shit about you.

When our fingers touch, I feel something else trapped in my chest other than my voice. Maybe it’s a few extra heartbeats. Maybe it’s an erupting volcano.

Happiness looks good on you, Kenna.

Her face is a work of art. I wish there was a picture of it hanging on a wall in a museum somewhere so I could stand in front of it and stare at it for as long as I wanted.

We go forward. That's it. It's that simple.

It was a stark realization that no matter how much you love someone, you can still do despicable things to them.

Everyone wanted justice, and sadly, justice and empathy couldn’t both fit inside that courtroom.

I miss you all the time, even when we’re together.

You’re forgiven, Kenna.

People say you fall in love, but fall is such a sad word when you think about it. Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death.

We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow. Some of us sadder than others. Some of us more willing to forgive than others. Grudges are heavy, but for the people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

I learned that putting too much focus on a girl’s looks can be damaging, so instead of telling Diem how pretty I think she is, I put the focus on all the things that matter, like how smart she is and how strong she is.

I’m going to be so good to your girls, Scotty. I promise.

It’s also strange thinking you know someone but then later realizing maybe you didn’t know them at all.

It’s really fucking lonely when the only friends you have are a teenager and a kitten.

Ledger is an asshole. We’ve clarified that. I mean, the guy turned a bookstore into a bar. What kind of monster would do that?

I am going to be the best person I can be for your daughter. I promise. I’m going to give her the best life, and when she asks about her mother, I’m going to tell her what a wonderful person you are. I’ll make sure she grows up knowing how much you love her.

Who am I to say that to a mother about her own child? Who the fuck am I to make that kind of judgment?

I couldn’t breathe because you were dead, and how was I supposed to breathe when you had no air?

I had no idea pointing was sexy.

There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you. but there was, and I was in it. I'll be in it forever.

Are you gonna live in your sadness or are you gonna die in it?

We are keeping a mother from her child. That’s not okay. Scotty would be so mad at us.

Grudges are heavy, but for the people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

I miss expensive coffee and you.

It proves that time, distance, and devastation allow people enough opportunity to craft villains out of people they don’t even know. But Kenna was never a villain. She was a victim.

What I experienced in those moments was indescribable. You think you know how you’ll react in a terrifying situation, but that’s the thing. You can’t think in a terrifying situation. There’s probably a reason for how disconnected we become to our own thoughts in moments of sheer horror.

Writing might actually be what saved me from myself.

When they placed out newborn son on my chest, I looked down at him through teary eyes, and i said, "Hi, Scotty." Love, Kenna

You didn’t really think this one through, Ledger.” “I thought about it plenty.” “Maybe, but you thought about it with the wrong fucking head.

I want Kenna to meet her daughter, but I don’t want Diem to meet her mother, even though they’re one and the same. I feel like Kenna’s monster and Diem’s protector.

Some things can be forgiven, but sometimes an action is so painful the memory of it can still crush a person ten years down the road.

Ledger has no idea how much his actions tonight have broken the last few pieces of me. Ivy has no idea how much her words from almost five years ago are still somehow saving me.

The misery I felt was my normal. I could either learn to live with it or I could let it consume me.

You were somewhere else, floating around in the dark, and I was determined to join you because what was the point? You were my whole point.

There are moments in every relationship that define when two people start to fall in love. A first glance A first smile A first kiss A first fall… (I remove the Darth Vader house shoes from my satchel and look down at them.) You were wearing these during one of those moments. One of the moments I first started to fall in love with you. The way you gave me butterflies that morning Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, and everything to do with you. I was falling in love with you that morning because of you. (I take the next item out of the satchel. When I pull it out and look up, she brings her hands to her mouth in shock.) This ugly little gnome With his smug little grin… He's the reason I had an excuse to invite you into my house. Into my life. You took a lot of aggression out on him over those next few months. I would watch from my window as you would kick him over every time you walked by him. Poor little guy. You were so tenacious. That feisty, aggressive, strong-willed side of you…. The side of you that refused to take crap from this concrete gnome? The side of you that refused to take crap from me? I fell in love with that side of you because of you. (I set the gnome down on the stage and grab the CD) This is your favorite CD ‘Layken’s shit.’ Although now I know you intended for shit to be possessive, rather than descriptive. The banjo started playing through the speakers of your car and I immediately recognized my favorite band. Then when I realized it was your favorite band, too? The fact that these same lyrics inspired both of us? I fell in love with that about you. That had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I fell in love with that about you because of you. (I take a slip of paper out of the satchel and hold it up. When I look at her, I see Eddie slide her a napkin. I can’t tell from up here, but that can only mean she’s crying.) This is a receipt I kept. Only because the item I purchased that night was on the verge of ridiculous. Chocolate milk on the rocks? Who orders that? You were different, and you didn’t care. You were being you. A piece of me fell in love with you at that moment, because of you. This? (I hold up another sheet of paper.) This I didn’t really like so much. It’s the poem you wrote about me. The one you titled 'mean?' I don’t think I ever told you… but you made a zero. And then I kept it to remind myself of all the things I never want to be to you. (I pull her shirt from my bag. When I hold it into the light, I sigh into the microphone.) This is that ugly shirt you wear. It doesn’t really have anything to do with why I fell in love with you. I just saw it at your house and thought I’d steal it.

Life is a cruel, cruel thing, the way it picks and chooses who to bully. We’re given these shitty circumstances and told by society that we, too, can live the American dream. But what they don’t tell us is that dreams almost never come true. It’s why they call it the American dream rather than the American reality. Our reality is that you’re dead, I’m in orientation for a shitty job making minimum wage, and our daughter is being raised by people who aren’t us. Reality is depressing as fuck.

Maybe some of us expel most of our bad behavior as toddlers, while some of us are absolute horrors during the teenage years. And then maybe there are those who expend very little malice until they’re adults, and even then, it just seeps out slowly. A little bit every day until we die.

As soon as he gives his attention to someone at the other end of the bar, I take a drink of my coffee and close my eyes and cry because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I've wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn't some permanent thing we're all tying to achieve in life, it's merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

What do you do, Nicole? Besides . . .” He waves a hand toward me. “Besides Ledger.

I have a daughter I have never held. She has a scent I have never smelled She has a name I have never yelled. She has a mother who has already failed. Love, Kenna

And it happens again. The tears. I’m so sick of the fucking tears.

But what if we were just looking for someone to blame because we were all hurting so much?

Is that why you’re late? Your car broke down?” You shook your head and said, “No. I had to break up with my girlfriend.

Best girlfriend ever. Until I killed him.

Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can.

Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.

I’ve had a lot of sucks in life A lot My parents died almost four years ago, right after I turned seven With every day that goes by I remember them less and less Like my mom…I remember that she used to sing. She was always happy, always dancing. Other than what I’ve seen of her in pictures, I don’t really remember what she looks like. Or what she smells like Or what she sounds like And my Dad I remember more things about him, but only because I thought he was the most amazing man in the world. He was smart. He knew the answer to everything. And he was strong. And he played the guitar. I used to love lying in bed at night, listening to the music coming from the living room. I miss that the most. His music. After they died, I went to live with my grandma and grandpaul. Don’t get me wrong…I love my grandparents. But I loved my home even more. It reminded me of them. Of my mom and dad. My brother had just started college the year they died. He knew how much I wanted to be home. He knew how much it meant to me, so he made it happen. I was only seven at the time, so I let him do it. I let him give up his entire life just so I could be home. Just so I wouldn’t be so sad. If I could do it all over again, I would have never let him take me. He deserved a shot, too. A shot at being young. But sometimes when you’re seven, the world isn’t in 3-D. So, I owe a lot to my brother. A lot of ‘thank you’d’ A lot of ‘I’m sorry’s’ A lot of ‘I love you’s’ I owe a lot to you, Will For making the sucks in my life a little less suckier And my sweet? My sweet is right now.

I would have fallen for you even if you didn’t love Diem.

Maybe if I acknowledge all the good things, no matter how small, they’ll add up to make the bad thing in my life less painful.

That gives him pause. “Will it have a happy ending?” I’m still looking out the window when I say, “It’ll be a book about my life, so I don’t see how it could.

it’s better to grow up knowing your imperfect mother is fighting for you than to grow up knowing she doesn’t give a shit about you.

I was just working through some thoughts out loud.

Can you please go?" I say it as nicely as possible,but asking someone to leave you alone can never not sting.

I reach to the remote next to my bed and turn the massage mode on so the bed vibrates. It makes her groan, but when I try to lower myself on top of her, she kicks me to the side. “I need a minute to fully appreciate your bed,” she says, closing her eyes.

I take a drink of my coffee and close my eyes and cry because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent

I want to have a yard that I can plant stuff in. Stuff that will flourish and not die. I want to learn how to talk to people without wishing I could retract every word I said. I want to be good at feeling things when a guy touches my waist. I want to be good at life. I want to make it look effortless, but up until this point, I’ve made every aspect of life appear entirely too difficult to navigate.

I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

Reading is a hobby, but for some of us, it's an escape from the difficulties we face.

Dear Scotty, She looks like both of us, but she laughs like you. She’s perfect in every way. I’m so sorry you never got to meet her. Love, Kenna

When they placed our newborn son on my chest, I looked down at him through teary eyes, and I said, “Hi, Scotty.

I am so grateful for him. To him. This might be the exact moment I fall in love with Ledger Ward.

Four grand?” you asked in disbelief. “Is it a fucking pigeon?

it’s hard to be recognized when you aren’t even missed.

I don’t know if that’s something you practiced, but I have a feeling you didn’t even know you had that kind of power. The power to make people feel appreciated and important.

Dear Scotty,

We were young and in love, and surely no one dies when they’re at their happiest.

It looks like a manuscript.

It’s strange, being involved in every facet of another human being, and then suddenly not knowing anything.

Regret keeps you stuck on pause. So does prison. When you get out of here, make sure you hit play so you don’t forget to move forward.

That isn't too much for a child to ask of the parent who gave them life."Just be adequate. Keep me alive. Don't leave me alone

I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know that there is anything in the world that I could make look effortless.

There was before you, and there was during you, For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you...But there it was, and I was in it,.I'll be in it..forever.

She seems like a quiet person, but not the shy kind of quiet. She’s quiet in a fierce way—a storm that sneaks up on you, and you don’t know it’s there until you feel the thunder rattle your bones.

I know she's a good person. A good person who had one bad night. It happens to the best of us. The worst of us. All of us. Some of us are just luckier than others, and our bad moments have fewer casualties.

While he spends all of his time trying to remember, I spend all of my time trying to forget. I don’t want to remember how it feels to love him. I want to forget everything in this world that reminds me of him.

People say you fall in love, but fall is such a sad word when you think about it. Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death. Whoever was the first person to say they fell in love must have already fallen out of it. Otherwise, they’d have called it something much better.

It is what it is. A fucked-up situation, with no evil people to blame. We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow. Some of us sadder than others. Some of us more willing to forgive than others.

Life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I've wanted to quit living many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn't permanent thing we're all trying to achieve in life, its merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

All this shit you do to help little kids in your spare time isn’t going to gain you any points in an afterlife because religion is a social construct created by societies who wanted to regulate their people, which makes heaven a concept. We could be sleeping right now.

... Scotty was sad, so I baked him cookies and we smoked a joint and then I gave him head. Best girlfriend ever.

I wish I was processing how to make this work between us, but I’m processing how to not let it hurt, because it can’t work.

And sometimes we do things for people we love, even though we wouldn’t choose to do those things for ourselves.

Because surely no one dies when they’re at their happiest.

Tonight . . . I’m starting to wonder if you’re the saddest girl I’ve ever met.

The power to make people feel appreciated and important.

She’s the thread that keeps them from unraveling.

I want to fight for you because I know that’s what Scotty would want me to do.

I forgot what it felt like for someone else to need me. Want me. Like me.

We did do well with him,” my father says in agreement. “We should have more kids.” “Menopause, honey. Remember when I hated you for an entire year?

I couldn’t imagine that what happened was real, or that what was happening was real.

You can lock the door and only let the people in that you want in there. It’ll be the most comfortable place you’ve ever lived.

Reading is a hobby, but for some of us, it’s an escape from the difficulties we face.

Funny how something that should feel so good can feel so painful when the circumstances aren’t right. And our circumstances are definitely not right.

He loves her still. I guess realizing your life isn’t compatible with someone else’s doesn’t erase the feelings that are there.

That’s my only hope for her. I want her to be happy.

I have a daughter I have never held. She has a scent I have never smelled. She has a name I have never yelled. She has a mother who has already failed.

I fucking love you, Kenna. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I miss you all the time, even when we’re together.

You didn’t leave me alone. I was with you the whole time.

Grudges are heavy, but for people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

Regret keeps you stuck on pause.

There was a before you and a during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you.

I guess realizing your life isn't compatible with someone else's doesn't erase the feelings that are there.

I'm going to be so good to your girls, Scotty. I promise.

Maybe if I acknowledge all the good things, no matter how small, they’ll add up to make the bad things in my life less painful.

It's also strange thinking you know someone but then later realizing maybe you didn't know them at all.

That stuck with me. "I miss you all the time, even when we're together.

No matter how whole our neighbors appear on the outside, we have no idea how many broken pieces they’re made up of on the inside.

KENNA ROWAN’S PLAYLIST 1) “Raise Your Glass”—P!nk 2) “Dynamite”—BTS 3) “Happy”—Pharrell Williams 4) “Particle Man”—They Might Be Giants 5) “I’m Good”—The Mowgli’s 6) “Yellow Submarine”—The Beatles 7) “I’m Too Sexy”—Right Said Fred 8) “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”—Justin Timberlake 9) “Thunder”—Imagine Dragons 10) “Run the World (Girls)”—Beyoncé 11) “U Can’t Touch This”—MC Hammer 12) “Forgot About Dre”—Dr. Dre featuring Eminem 13) “Vacation”—Dirty Heads 14) “The Load Out”—Jackson Browne 15) “Stay”—Jackson Browne 16) “The King of Bedside Manor”—Barenaked Ladies 17) “Empire State of Mind”—JAY-Z 18) “Party in the U.S.A.”—Miley Cyrus 19) “Fucking Best Song Everrr”—Wallpaper. 20) “Shake It Off”—Taylor Swift 21) “Bang!”—AJR

I played professional football and own a bar, yet I’m scared of a little eye contact with a pretty girl. That should be my Tinder bio. Played for the Broncos. Owns a bar. Scared of eye contact.

It's the time you spent alone that night that I know haunts us all, because well never know what you went through. What you were thinking. Who you were calling out to. What your final minutes were like.

Ledger didn’t turn away when I cried, though. He did what you would have done. He put his arms around me and let me be however I needed to be, and it felt nice because I hadn’t been held like that since you.

maybe even women, because no guy I had ever met who was my age made me feel good about myself. Between the catcalls and the sexual expectations, I had lost complete faith in the male population of my generation

Sometimes I wonder if we’re all born with equal amounts of good and evil. What if no one person is more or less malevolent than another, and that we all just release our bad at different times, in different ways?

We'll get a house together someday. And I'll let you pick everything out. You can paint it however you want. You can lock the door and only let the people in that you want in there. It'll be the most comfortable place you've ever lived.

In the same moment, I’m also reminded of how little I know about him. How little he shows me. How much he hides himself from me, so that when I finally break, it won’t be his fault. It won’t be a quick break, either. It’ll be slow and painful, filled with so many moments like these that tear me up from the inside out. Moments when he leaves. Because he always leaves.

She wasn’t saying I would move past what I was feeling, or that things would get easier. She was telling me this was it—the misery I felt was my new normal. I could either learn to live with it or I could let it consume me. I swallowed and said, “I’m gonna live in it.

One time, we were sitting inside the jungle gym, and out of nowhere, this pigeon landed in the yard. It was only three or four feet away from us. Scotty looked at it and said, ‘Is that a fucking pigeon?’ And I don’t know why, maybe because we were both high, but we laughed so hard at that. We laughed until we cried. And for years, up until he died, every time we’d see something that didn’t make sense, Scotty would say, ‘Is that a fucking pigeon?

Maybe it doesn't matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them

I've spent the last couple of years trying to be a good role model for Diem, so I've read a few books on feminism. I learned that putting too much focus on a girl's looks can be damaging, so instead of telling Diem how pretty I think she is, I put the focus on all the things that matter, like how smart she is and how strong she is. I've tried treating you the same way. It's why I've never complimented your looks before, or told you how fucking beautiful I think you are, but I'm glad I've never told you before this moment, because you've never been more beautiful that you are right now.' I kiss the tip of her nose. 'Happiness looks good on you, Kenna.

It is what it is. A fucked-up situation, with no evil people to blame. We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow. Some of us sadder than others. Some of us more willing to forgive than others. Grudges are heavy, but for the people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

We're all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow.

She’s just turning it on and off and on and off, and I don’t like that I like that she’s pretending not to be sad every time that girl comes running back to her.

we do things for people we love, even though we wouldn’t choose to do those things for ourselves.

I may not have killed him with my actions, but I definitely killed him with my inaction.

I want so badly for them to heal, but the loss of a child is a wound that never heals.

Girls like me just didn’t seem to fit in with any family. CHAPTER TWENTY

If she likes my truck, I love my truck. My truck is my second-favorite thing in the world right now. Her mouth is my first.

I feel like the words I’m about to say are the most important words that will ever come from me. I wish I was more prepared.

the reminders of him only make me smile.

realizing your life isn’t compatible with someone else’s doesn’t erase the feelings that are there.

..happiness isn't some permanent thing we're all trying to achieve in life, it's merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

I know from experience that if you’re going to grow up with an imperfect mother, it’s better to grow up knowing your imperfect mother is fighting for you than to grow up knowing she doesn’t give a shit about you.

It’s not that difficult to love a child you gave birth to, even if you’ve never laid eyes on them. But it’s extremely difficult to finally see what they look like and sound like and are like, and then be expected to just walk away from that.

What was it like having a good family?” I asked him. “I’m not sure I knew how good it was until just now,” he replied. “Yes, you did. You love your parents. And this house. I can tell.” He smiled gently. “I don’t know if I can explain it. But being here . . . it’s like I can be my truest, most authentic self. I can cry. I can be in a bad mood, or sad, or happy. Any of those moods are accepted here. I don’t feel that anywhere else.” The way he described it made me sad I never had it. “I don’t know what that’s like,” I said.

I want to learn how to talk to people without wishing I could retract every word I said. I want to be good at feeling things when a guy touches my waist. I want to be good at life. I want to make it look effortless, but up until this point, I’ve made every aspect of life appear entirely too difficult to navigate.

life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.

1) “Raise Your Glass”—P!nk 2) “Dynamite”—BTS 3) “Happy”—Pharrell Williams 4) “Particle Man”—They Might Be Giants 5) “I’m Good”—The Mowgli’s 6) “Yellow Submarine”—The Beatles 7) “I’m Too Sexy”—Right Said Fred 8) “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”—Justin Timberlake 9) “Thunder”—Imagine Dragons 10) “Run the World (Girls)”—Beyoncé 11) “U Can’t Touch This”—MC Hammer 12) “Forgot About Dre”—Dr. Dre featuring Eminem 13) “Vacation”—Dirty Heads 14) “The Load Out”—Jackson Browne 15) “Stay”—Jackson Browne 16) “The King of Bedside Manor”—Barenaked Ladies 17) “Empire State of Mind”—JAY-Z 18) “Party in the U.S.A.”—Miley Cyrus

After a few years of this, when I was around fourteen, she eventually stopped trying to parent me, and instead it felt like I had become her enemy. But I was self-sufficient by then and didn’t need my mother coming in twice a week and pretending she had any say over me when she knew nothing about my life, or who I was as a person. We lived together until I graduated high school, but we were not friends and there was no relationship between us whatsoever. When she spoke to me, her words were insults. Because of that, I eventually just stopped speaking to her. I preferred the neglect over the verbal abuse.

I’ll be damned,” I say quietly. “Is that . . . is that a fucking pigeon?” It is. It’s an actual pigeon.

time, distance, and devastation allow people enough opportunity to craft villains out of people they don’t even know.

chaste

malevolent

fodder

cathartic.

burgeoning

I rang you up. You paid. I wrapped your plate and handed you your sack, but this time I spoke. “Come back soon,” I said. You grinned and said, “If you insist.” You circled the register and went back to the aisle that contained the plates. I didn’t have any other customers, so I watched the aisle until you reappeared with a fourth plate and brought it to the register. I rang up the plate and said, “You know, you can buy more than one thing at a time.” “I know,” you said. “But I only need one plate.” “Then why is this the fourth one you’ve bought?” “Because I’m trying to work up the nerve to ask you out.” I had hoped that was why. I handed you your sack, wanting your fingers to touch mine. They did. It felt exactly as I imagined, like our hands were magnetic. It took a lot of effort just to pull my hand back. I tried to act nonchalant about your flirtation, because that’s just what I’d always done with men, so I said, “It’s against store policy for employees to date customers.” There wasn’t any firmness or truth to my voice at all, but I think you liked the game we were playing, so you said, “Okay. Give me a minute to rectify that.” You walked to the only other cashier in the store. You were only a few feet away, so I heard you say, “I need to return these plates, please.” The other cashier had been on the phone with a customer during your four trips to the register, so I’m not sure she knew you were being facetious. She glanced at me from her register and made a face. I shrugged like I didn’t know what was up with the guy who had four different receipts for four plates, and then I turned away from her to wait on another customer. You came through my line a few minutes later and slapped a return receipt on the counter. “I’m no longer a customer. What now?” I picked up the receipt, pretending to read it carefully. I handed it back to you and said, “I get off work at seven.” You folded the receipt and didn’t look at me when you said, “See you in three hours.

There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you. But there was, and I was in it. I'll be in it forever.

Did you remember our anniversary?” my father asks. “Slipped my mind. Sorry.” “Told you,” he says to my mother. “Pay up, Robin.” My mother reaches into her pocket and hands him a ten-dollar bill. They bet on almost everything. My love life. Which holidays I’ll remember. Every football game I’ve ever played. But I’m almost positive they’ve just been passing the same ten-dollar bill back and forth for several years.

Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death. Whoever was the first person to say they fell in love must have already fallen out of it. Otherwise, they’d have called it something much better.

circumstances and told by society that we, too, can live the American dream. But what they don’t tell us is that dreams almost never come true.

But even though I felt like a snake. I didn’t plan on slithering away. I liked your energy so much I planned to coil myself around you and never let go

how many losses can one person take before they just throw in the fucking towel? Because it sure is starting to feel like I’m all out of wins.

I still don’t know what to do with all these fucking feelings. There have been so many

Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign. Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them

You worry, and then I worry, and then you worry, but the worry won’t solve this. I feel like this isn’t going to end well. Or maybe it will. Either way, we like being with each other, so until it ends well or ends terribly, I don’t really want to waste our time together going in circles about a future we can’t predict.

As soon as he gives his attention to someone at the other end of the bar I take a drink of my coffee and close my eyes and cry because life can be so fucking cruel and hard, and I’ve wanted to quit living it so many times, but then moments like these remind me that happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are substantial enough to keep us going.

during

1) “Raise Your Glass”—P!nk 2) “Dynamite”—BTS 3) “Happy”—Pharrell Williams 4) “Particle Man”—They Might Be Giants 5) “I’m Good”—The Mowgli’s 6) “Yellow Submarine”—The Beatles 7) “I’m Too Sexy”—Right Said Fred 8) “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”—Justin Timberlake 9) “Thunder”—Imagine Dragons 10) “Run the World (Girls)”—Beyoncé 11) “U Can’t Touch This”—MC Hammer 12) “Forgot About Dre”—Dr. Dre featuring Eminem 13) “Vacation”—Dirty Heads 14) “The Load Out”—Jackson Browne 15) “Stay”—Jackson Browne

1) “Raise Your Glass”—P!nk 2) “Dynamite”—BTS 3) “Happy”—Pharrell Williams 4) “Particle Man”—They Might Be Giants 5) “I’m Good”—The Mowgli’s 6) “Yellow Submarine”—The Beatles 7) “I’m Too Sexy”—Right Said Fred 8) “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”—Justin Timberlake 9) “Thunder”—Imagine Dragons 10) “Run the World (Girls)”—Beyoncé 11) “U Can’t Touch This”—MC Hammer 12) “Forgot About Dre”—Dr. Dre featuring Eminem 13) “Vacation”—Dirty Heads 14) “The Load Out”—Jackson Browne 15) “Stay”—Jackson Browne 16) “The King of Bedside Manor”—Barenaked Ladies 17) “Empire State of Mind”—JAY-Z 18) “Party in the U.S.A.”—Miley Cyrus 19) “Fucking Best Song Everrr”—Wallpaper. 20) “Shake It Off”—Taylor Swift 21) “Bang!”—AJR