“
The menu: legendary deep-fried Turkeyzilla, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and green beans.
The theme: dysfunction.
“So,” Elysia said to Lex’s parents with her ever-friendly grin, “how are you?”
“How do you think they are?” Ferbus whispered.
She kicked him under the table. “I mean—um—what do you do? For a living?”
Lex’s mother, who hadn’t said much, continued to stare down the table at the sea of black hoodies while picking at her potatoes.
Lex’s father cleared his throat. “I’m a contractor,” he said. “And she’s a teacher.”
“Omigod! I wanted to be a teacher!” Elysia turned to Mrs. Bartleby. “Do you love it?”
“Hmm?” She snapped back to attention and smiled vacantly at Elysia. “Oh, yes. I do. The kids are a nice distraction.”
“From what?” Pip asked.
Bang smacked her forehead. Lex squeezed Driggs’s hand even tighter, causing him to choke on his stuffing. He coughed and hacked until the offending morsel flew out of his mouth, landing in Sofi’s glass of water.
“Ewww!” she squealed.
“Drink around it,” Pandora scolded. “So! I hear New York City is lovely this time of year.”
Well, it looks nice, I guess,” Mr. Bartleby said. “But shoveling out the driveway is a pain in the neck. The girls used to help, but now . . .”
Sensing the impending awkwardness, Corpp jumped in. “Well, Lex has been a wonderful addition to our community. She’s smart, friendly, a joy to be around—”
“And don’t you worry about the boyfriend,” Ferbus said, pointing to Driggs. “I keep him in line.”
Mrs. Bartleby’s eyes widened, looking at Lex and then Driggs. “You have a—” she sputtered. “He’s your—”
Ferbus went white. “They didn’t know?”
“Oops!” said Uncle Mort in a theatrical voice, getting up from the table. “Almost forgot the biscuits!”
“Let me help you with those,” Lex said through clenched teeth, following him to the counter. A series of pained hugs and greetings had ensued when her parents arrived—but the rest of the guests showed up so soon thereafter that Lex hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to them, much to her relief. Still, she hadn’t stopped seething. “What were you thinking?”
Uncle Mort gave her a reproachful look. “I was thinking that your parents were probably going to feel more lonely and depressed this Thanksgiving than they’ve ever felt in their lives, and that maybe we could help alleviate some of that by hosting a dinner featuring the one and only daughter they have left.”
“A dinner of horrors? You know my track record with family gatherings!”
He ignored her. “Here we are!” he said, turning back to the table with a giant platter. “Biscuits aplenty!”
Lex grunted and took her seat. “I’m not sure how much longer I can do this,” she whispered to Driggs.
“Me neither,” he replied. “I think my hand is broken in three places.”
“Sorry.”
“And your dad seems to be shooting me some sort of a death stare.”
Lex glanced at her father. “That’s bad.”
“Think he brought the shotgun?”
“It’s entirely possible.”
“All I’m saying,” Ferbus went on, trying to redeem himself and failing, “is that we all look out for one another here.” Mr. Bartleby looked at him. Ferbus began to sweat. “Because, you know. We all need somebody. Uh, to lean on.”
“Stop talking,” Bang signed.
Elysia gave Lex’s parents a sympathetic grin. “I think what my idiot partner is trying to say—through the magic of corny song lyrics, for some reason—is that you don’t need to worry about Lex. She’s like a sister to me.” She realized her poor choice of words as a pained look came to Mrs. Bartleby’s face. “Or an especially close cousin.” She shut her mouth and stared at her potatoes. “Frig.”
Lex was now crushing Driggs’s hand into a fine paste. Other than the folding chairs creaking and Pip obliviously scraping the last bits of food off his plate, the table was silent.
“Good beans!” Pip threw in.
”
”