Boundaries Townsend Quotes

We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.

Leave your pride, ego, and narcissism somewhere else. Reactions from those parts of you will reinforce your children's most primitive fears.

Don't go overboard in praising required behavior: 'We have only done our duty' (Luke 17:10). But do go overboard when your child confesses the truth, repents honestly, takes chances, and loves openly. Praise the developing character in your child as it emerges in active, loving, responsible behavior.

Values are sometimes worth living and dying for, and are certainly worth dating and breaking up over.

Training moments occur when both parents and children do their jobs. The parent's job is to make the rule. The child's job is to break the rule. The parent then corrects and disciplines. The child breaks the rule again, and the parent manages the consequences and empathy that then turn the rule into reality and internal structure for the child.

Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal....Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation's radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an "early warning system" telling us we're in danger of being injured or controlled.

And healthy people love honesty. Normalizing truthfulness in your relationships is simply inserting your own realities into the conversation, the meeting, or the event.

The most basic boundary-setting word is “no.” It lets others know that we exist apart from them and that we are in control of ourselves.

A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to GIVE to needs and put LIMITS on sin. Boundaries help you do just that.

Love cannot exist without freedom.

Healthy intimate relationships involve a dedication of one’s self to the betterment of the other. You need someone who will count the cost of having an attachment to you and who is willing to then make a real commitment.

Be careful not to give your child the impression that you love her perfect, performing parts more than you do her mediocre, stumbling parts.

Love can’t rule when shame is in charge.

Our real concern with others should not be "Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?" but "Are they really making a free choice?" When we accept others' freedom, we don't get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others' freedom, we feel better about our own.

Misinformation about the Bible's answers to these issues has led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and relational struggles, find their root in conflicts with boundaries.

Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite: you are gaining the freedom to love.

When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don't grow past the initial attraction and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true "knowing" of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple-the long-term fulfillment that was God's design.

If I am not forgiving them, I am still in a destructive relationship with them. Gain grace from God, and let others' debts go. Do not keep seeking a bad account. Let it go, and get what you need from God and people who can give. That is a better life. Unforgiveness destroys boundaries. Forgiveness creates them, for it gets bad debt off of your property.

Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative - the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life.

Sad to say, there are people whose insides are so dark that they are adroit at manipulating others’ impressions of them.

The more clear and honest you are with others about who you really are, the more ready you will be to move beyond boundaries and into the intimate connections you seek.

We are ultimately responsible for what we do with our injured, immature souls.

We can't terrorize or make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time.

We can learn to trust again, no matter what has happened, if we take the right path, step by step.

Teens are impulsive, self-centered, and irrational. They have outbursts of anger and disrespect, then in a few minutes, they swing back to love and compliance.

Be a supporter of your kid’s extra-family world, as long as that world is one that is reasonably safe and supports your own values and beliefs.

And people who have trust issues typically prefer to find some way to disqualify a new relationship rather than to risk damage by making a poor judgment call. Better safe than sorry.

Love is not enough. Nor are attentiveness, romantic feelings, a charming personality, great competencies and skills, or promises to change. You need substance underneath the topping. Don’t sell yourself short. Character always wins over time.

So the best answer is to keep developing your own boundaries, your ability to say yes and no in love, and to be truthful. Then you will be confident in your abilities to take care of yourself in relationships, and you will enjoy getting to know those people you

encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13, emphasis added). We impact one another to the extent to which we mutually encourage each other. Without that, we run the risk of becoming hardened.

Being a parent of a teen can cure a person of narcissism. When your child was born, you were the center of her world. You were special to her. Now that she is an adolescent, you have become less central. No matter what you do, she continues to invest in the outside world more than she does in the home.

Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal. Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions. Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home. Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home. Compromise when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to.

You are probably aware of your own tendencies to go along with your teen’s behavior, to not respond or confront because it’s too much trouble or because you don’t want the conflict. Then, out of the blue, something snaps inside you, and you come out swinging, yelling, threatening — doing whatever it takes for you to express your frustration. I look at this as the “ignore and zap” parenting style: putting up with inappropriate behaviors for too long, then blowing up. When you consider how much teens test their parents, it’s easy to understand the temptation to ignore and zap. However, even though most parents ignore and zap at times — myself included — this isn’t good parenting. It teaches the teen that love and limits don’t go together.

Because of all the developmental changes teens are going through, they often don’t have good control over their behavior, a clear sense of responsibility for their actions, or much self-discipline and structure. Instead, they often show disrespect of authority (as in Trevor’s case), impulsiveness, irresponsibility, misbehavior, and erratic behavior. They are, as the Bible describes it, “like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Rewards are good things, but teens shouldn’t be rewarded for doing what is normally required in life. After all, adults don’t receive promotions for showing up to work on time or for avoiding jail time. Rewarding teens for doing what they should already be doing can result in their not being ready for the future. It can also contribute to an attitude of entitlement or to seeing themselves as superior to others.

Guard rails get dinged up. But if they work well, they preserve the young lives that run up against them.

Then I referred him to Solomon: “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5).

contacts list. Unfortunately there wasn’t a whole lot of online info about the former pastor turned college professor. A grainy photo on the Eastern Michigan University website, a brief and seemingly outdated bio of Dr. Neal Townsend, and the words “associate professor” underneath. Luke had even pushed the boundaries on crazy and paid for a background check, but the guy was a saint. Not even a traffic ticket. The mystery of Maranatha House was all but over. This Neal still bothered Luke though. He couldn’t put his finger on why, but it did. Luke scanned the sandwich shop for Felicity. They were meeting for dinner and a movie, and he was so nervous he’d ended up getting there early. This was their third official date, not counting the cinnamon rolls in her office. It wasn’t until halfway through their

Setting boundaries isn't an alternative to loving your child. It is a means of loving her.

Basically, children will mature to the level the parent structures them, and no higher.

Find people who will give you reality, people who aren’t black-and-white thinkers and who don’t pretend to have an answer for every problem.

I will always be poor in spirit. But by boundaries help me find the time to receive the kingdom of heaven. I will always mourn the losses I suffer in this lifetime. But setting limits helps me find the comfort I need from God and others. I will always be meek and gentle. But being a separate person helps me take the initiative to inherit the earth. Thank you Lord. Thank you for the hope you gave me. And for taking me and those I love along your path.

Gerçek "ben"i ve gerçekte neyi arzuladığımızı tarif edemeyiz. Arzuların pek çoğu, gerçekmiş gibi gizlenir. Onlar, gerçek arzulara sahip olmamamızla ortaya çıkan heveslerdir.

Gerçek sevgi karşılık beklemez. Bir başkasının bize önem vermesi için ona önem vermek, o kişiyi kontrol etmek için kullandığımız bir yöntemden başka bir şey değildir.

Kimse yaşamın verdiği eğitimden gerçek anlamda kurtulamaz. O her zaman galip gelir. Bizler her zaman ektiğimizi biçeriz. Ve disiplin yaşamımıza ne kadar geç girerse, tablo o kadar hüzünlü olur, çünkü bedeli de o kadar ağır olacaktır.

When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to that person forever.

Anchor #1 Love: I Am on Your Side

I am on your side. I am not doing this because I’m mad, or want to punish you, or don’t care about you. I am doing this because I want your best.” You may not be feeling especially

I need to be clear about this, because I don’t think I have been clear in the past, or I haven’t been very loving about it. But I want there to be no misunderstanding. I will not tolerate your ditching school and your drinking. It is definitely not okay in our house. Whether or not you agree with that, it is the rule in this home.

when we avoid setting the right boundaries and following up with the appropriate consequences, we can inadvertently encourage entitlement.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

Some parents mistakenly view guilt as a sign that they care about their teen. But guilt is more about the parent, because guilt centers on the parent’s failures and badness rather than on the teen’s difficulty and hurt.

Remorse, the healthy alternative to guilt, centers on the other person. Remorse is an empathic concern for the pain that your teen feels. It is also solution oriented.

Some parents fear that if they set limits, their teen will distance and detach themselves and withdraw their love from them. This fear can cause these parents to avoid boundaries at all costs, and to do their best to keep their kid connected.

To resolve your fear of withdrawal of love, connect with other adults who will support, affirm, and encourage you,

When your teen withdraws, take the initiative to go after him and try to reconnect. Teens sometimes don’t have the skills to pull themselves back into relationship, so they need their parents to help them. But while you are inviting your teen back into connection with you, keep your requirements and expectations intact.

But some parents are conflict-phobic — they are uncomfortable and afraid of being the object of their teen’s wrath, and so they avoid setting the limits their teen needs. However, this teaches adolescents that if they throw a tantrum, they can get out of a limit.

no matter how much you love your teen, you have a built-in limitation, and it is this: you can only parent to your own level of maturity.

What can you do? The answer isn’t trying harder, or using your will power. Instead, realize that you don’t have what you don’t have. You will need to get from the outside what you don’t possess on the inside. You need to do this for your kid, and for yourself as well. You may need to take a break from the fracas and say, “I’m getting worn out with this, but I want to finish it. I’ll get back to you.” Call a safe and sane friend and get your emotional tank filled, and then enter the ring again and resolve the issue.

your teen needs a process of time in which to let go of parental dependence and move into adult independence. This cannot be done instantly.

You contain your teen’s feelings rather than react to, invalidate, or try to change those feelings. You avoid saying things like, “Aren’t you being dramatic here? It’s really not that bad. Cheer up; it will get better.” Your job is to be with your adolescent as he is.

book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and found it very helpful, validating, and encouraging.