B.a. Quotes

I learned the bad guys are not always bad, the good guys are not always good, and to quote Captain Barbossa, the parameters are like rules, mostly guidelines. And that it takes a little bit of bad boy to fight the evil in the world. --Terri Mitchell

HYPOTHESIS: When given a choice between A (a slightly inconveniencing situation) and B (a colossal shitshow with devastating consequences), I will inevitably end up selecting B.

I don't suppose I could have a whiskey instead of the wine, could I?" "Whiskey?" "Yes" "I didn't know you drank whiskey." "And I didn't know you were a psychopath. Just bring me a whiskey

I can’t help thinking it’s a shame he’s such a sadistic bastard, because he has wonderful manners.

Five years of hell. You deserve to be fucked till you can't walk.

We go downstairs and in the hall, he takes my coat from the cupboard and holds it open while I slip my arms into it. In the drive outside, he holds the car door for me and waits until I’m in. As he closes it behind me, I can’t help thinking it’s a shame he’s such a sadistic bastard, because he has wonderful manners.

I cry even harder, thinking of how it could have been, of how I thought it would be. For the first time, I want to give up, to die, because suddenly everything is too much and there is no solution in sight.

I look around at everybody laughing and joking together and struggle to understand my life has become a living hell that nobody present could even begin to imagine

With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.

We all make mistakes, Steele. It’s what we do afterward that defines us more than the actual incident that led to the mistake. (Joe)

She was a good Christian woman with a large respect for religion, though she did not, of course, believe any of it was true.

What colour was Millie’s room, Grace?

That is not my car!” “Correction. You used to drive a falling apart Toyota. B.A.” Had his lips just brushed her hair? She shivered. And though she knew better than to ask, she did it anyway. “Okay. You got me. What’s B.A.?” “Before. Adam. After Adam, you drive a BMW. I take care of what is mine. That Toyota wasn’t safe.” Figured that arrogant beast would define himself as the dawning of an epoch. “I’m not yours. It was too, and you can’t just go around stealing.” “I didn’t, and I filled out the paperwork myself.

What’s with the B.A. shit?” I asked. “Bad,” Tex pointed at me, “Ass.” Holy crap! I loved that! I was Fortnum’s own Mr. T, except white, female and without the Mohawk.

Hard to argue with a woman, period. Only time a man wins with one of them is when the woman is either on TV or dead. (Jack)

When I look at him I feel dismayed as I always do at how normal he looks, because surely there should be something--pointed ears or a pair of horns--to warn people of his evilness.

The door opens and he stands in the doorway, my handsome, psychopathic husband.

You smoke? (Randy) Only when I’m on fire. (Steele) I don’t appreciate your humor, Mr. Steele. (Randy) I’m an acquired taste. (Steele)

Most of my friends from Columbia are going on to get advanced degrees. And why not? A Ph.D. is the new M.A., a master's is the new bachelor's, a B.A. is the new high school diploma, and a high school diploma is the new smiley-face sticker on your first-grade spelling test.

I loved getting my M. B. A., and I really enjoyed being an accountant and financial analyst before I quit my day job twenty-five years ago to write full time. I just liked writing more…plus, I knew even then that as a full-time writer, I'd get plenty of chances to do business-type stuff, while as an accountant, I probably wouldn't get a lot of opportunities to write about dragons.

Pretending to be broken would be much harder, simply because it was in my nature to fight back.

I like you Jack, but don’t like Jorj Koony

Has anyone ever won an argument with you? (Syd) Just Tee, and I was drunk and wounded at the time. (Joe)

You’re not weird, are you? (Jack) Not particularly, no. (Syd) Well, good. I got enough weirdness for the lot of us. Don’t want to share it. (Jack)

Did you come out of the womb a dickhead or develop that jockstrap personality on your own? (Hunter)

Do I detect a renewal of your fighting spirit? I'm so glad. To tell the truth, I've been getting quite bored. Bring it on, Grace--I'm waiting for you.

He’s out there waiting for us. We his the street, and we’re ducks in a barrel. (Steele) Isn’t that fish in a barrel? (Syd) Don’t fuck with my metaphors right now, Syd. Can’t you see that I’m under stress? (Steele)

Oh, my God, are you okay? (Syd) You ever nick yourself while shaving? (Steele) Yeah. (Syd) You know the burn you get that hurts like hell? (Steele) Yeah. (Syd) This is nothing like that. It’s a lot worse. (Steele)

He prides himself on uttering only the truth, and enjoys that I am the only one who understands the meaning behind his words.

I give you points for persistence, but you lose a few for being slow on the uptake. (Rae)

My weaknesses are women in high heels, freedom under siege, and ebay. (Steele)

Don’t worry if I lay my head back and start to snore while we’re flying. It’s normal. I’m just here in case Jake has a stroke and dies. (Tony)

He scares the shit out of me, and I used to work for people who made Freddie Krueger look like Mr. Rogers. (Carlos)

Still alive? (Randy) No. I’m a walking corpse. Can’t you tell? (Steele)

He probably couldn’t turn off his sexiness without medical intervention.’ (Abbie)

When women cover songs by men, they don’t swap the pronouns. Is this a.) a lack of anxiety about convention, b.) a biologically essential fluidity native to humans with vaginas and/or two X chromosomes, c.) rampant queerness among women singers, or d.) the universal male default?

One's interest or need does not annul other's right.

Wesley, the younger child, had had rheumatic fever when he was seven and Mrs. May thought this was what had caused him to be an intellectual.

I have two words for you. (Terri) Oh, yeah? (Josie) Whatever- (Terri) That’s one word. (Josie) –bitch. (Terri)

My mission is to kill the bad guy, save the world, and hopefully end up with the girl. (Steele)

Ooo, he’s snotty. I like him already. (Tee)

Have you ever heard of feng shui? (Randy) Yeah. It’s the ‘put the mirror on your door and sleep in the right direction’ bullshit. (Steele)

Yeah, you go after her, and I suggest you invest in a steel plated jockstrap. Last guy who said something sexual to her and pissed her off is still limping around the office. (Carlos)

You have ten minutes. Tops. (Carlos) I have been knocked overboard, shot at, kidnapped, handcuffed, terrified, and held prisoner. I will not be told how long to take in the loo. (Gabrielle)

Had it all been a facade, had he covered his true self with a cloak of geniality and good humour to impress me?

I prefer to work alone – except in the bedroom. (Steele)

Why is it when I’m the one shot, I’m a baby, but when it’s you, it’s a matter of life and death and national security? (Joe) Because I’m cuter in a short skirt. (Tee)

Then why are we being shot at? (Syd) ’Cause the sonofabitch can’t tell time. (Steele)

I didn’t know they’d do this to you. (Syd) It’s okay, Syd. Who could have imagined that a man who heads up a company of paid assassins and mercenaries would be psychotic? (Steele)

Interested in some ‘undercover’ work? And to think, I was actually having a tender thought about you. Do yourself a favor, Steele…Become mute.

Not a mark on it. (Joe) Yeah. Wanna check the backseat, where Steele is sitting? I’ll bet there’s a big stain there. (Tee)

Hurt her and you’ll meet me in hell. I’ll be the one tying your dick in a knot. You’ll be the one bleeding out your eyeballs. (Hunter)

How do you do that? (Abbie) What, sweetheart? (Hunter) Make me crazy to beat you one minute and crazy to love you the next. (Abbie)

Q. Is it possible to build a jetpack using downward-firing machine guns? —Rob B A. I WAS SORT OF surprised to find that the answer was yes! But to really do it right, you’ll want to talk to the Russians.

You have the blood of warriors in your veins. The kind of men who protect what is theirs and love without restraint. I want that love and I want you. (Gabrielle) It’s all yours. You’re not getting much out of this deal since all I own is what I can carry in two hands. (Carlos) Great. That means I get to decorate the house the way I want. (Gabrielle)

Only because I’m not a morning person. (Joe) And you’re not a night person either. Face it, babe. You’ve only got two good minutes a day. The minute before noon and the minute right after. (Tee)

I do know how to operate a computer. (Joe) Yeah, right. What was it you said just ten minutes ago? Get this damned thing off my desk before I shoot it? Now make the call, Mr. Hunt-and-Peck. (Tee)

The Chinese say that you should never, ever buy a used desk unless you know the history of it. They claim that if it belonged to a bad businessman, his karma will befall you. This one here belonged to President Kennedy. So what do you think that means? (Randy) I don’t know, but if I were you, I wouldn’t ride through Dallas in a convertible in November. Bad feng shui. (Steele)

You’re such a crybaby. (Tee) Let me almost shoot off one of your testicles and see how you cope. (Joe) You shouldn’t have moved, Joe. It was your fault. (Tee) Yeah, everything’s my fault. (Joe) Good, then we agree. (Tee)

She took several slow deep breaths, then, "Okay, what happened to my car?" "This is your car." "I may not know much lately," she gritted, "but I do know what I drive. I drive a falling-apart Toyota. A disgustingly powdery-blue one. With lots of rust and no antenna. That is not my car." "Correction. You used to drive a falling apart Toyota, B.A." Had his lips just brushed her hair? She shivered, and though she knew better than to ask, she did it anyways. "Okay, you got me, what's 'B.A.'" "Before Adam. After Adam, you drive a BMW.

Oh, sheez, what’s Syd Vicious doing back in town? (Payne) How’d the testicle retrieval go, Payne? You still limping?...Thought so. I got the thank-you card from Planned Parenthood last week. Seems they want to honor me for saving the gene pool. (Syd)

My mother’s dying and may not live through the week. So, yes, I’d rather die trying to save her than live with the guilt of wondering if I could have. If you can’t understand caring that much for someone you love then you’re one coldhearted bastard. (Abbie)

But the truth is, we never really know what goes on, on the other side of the fence, behind those closed doors. Instead of looking over the fence, we should really be keeping our eyes fixed firmly on our side and cherishing the grass that we have—bald patches and all—just a little bit more.

Look, I don’t care what the Ooga-Boogas do. It sounds like they need a family counselor, not a sniper. (Steele) They’re not Ooga-Boogas, they’re Uhbukistanis. (Syd) Whatever. My personal belief is that we should leave Ooga-Booga Land to the Oomp-Loompas. Let them fight it out with the Snozzwangers, Wangdoogles, and the mean Vermicious Knids. I’d rather go peal carrots with a spoon. (Steele)

Look, there’s nothing I’m ever going to tell you about me that’s the truth. The more you know about me, the shorter your life span is going to be. All you need to know is that I don’t miss. In fact, you don’t even need to know exactly how good I really am, because if you ever find out, you’re going to be dead. (Steele)

I don’t like working with people I don’t know. (Randy) Hmmm, let’s see…I cried when Ole Yeller died, but I was young back then. I have a scar on my knee from when Willie Durante knocked me off my bike when I was seven. I beat the shit out of him later, then took his bike and sold it at a pawnshop. Oh, and my favorite color is pink…it’s really soothing. (Steele)

You wanted me to get a job. Well, that’s their job-screening. I kill him, or he kills me. Winner gets the job. (Steele) You’re kidding. (Syd) Absolutely. I’m not the least bit serious. All of this is one big hallucination. And I’m not sitting over here bleeding to death. But hey, since it’s a hallucination, could you please make my arm stop throbbing because right now it hurts like hell. (Steele)

They know what the “perfumes” are going to say because they always say the same thing, but they pretend to believe them anyway. (a)“I could change your life.” (b)“A lot of women would like to be in your shoes.” (c)“You’re young now, but what will become of you in a few years’ time? You need to think about making a longer-term investment.” (d)“I’m married, but my wife . . .” (This opening line can have various endings: “. . . is ill,” “. . . has threatened to commit suicide if I leave her,” etc.) (e)“You’re a princess and deserve to be treated like one. I didn’t know it until now, but I’ve been waiting for you. I don’t believe in coincidences and I really think we ought to give this relationship a chance.

What kind of soldier are you that you’re going to just sit in a cell while the world is thrown into chaos? Do you not understand what could happen if those weapons fall into the wrong hands? How could you be so selfish? (Syd) I’m selfish? Look, Agent Westbrook, your daddy’s a Boston stockbroker. I’m a death broker. I’m sure you don’t lecture Daddy on finance, so don’t even try to lecture me on assassination politics. I know all about them. Some bureaucratic ass-wipe sitting in a pristine office that’s totally isolated from the rest of the world decides the son of King Oomp-Loomp is a threat. He then hands down orders to people like me to go off King Oomp-Loompa’s son. Like an idiot, I do what he says without question. I hunt my target down, using information that is mostly bullshit and unreliable, gathered by someone like you who assured me it was correct as the time. But hey, if it changes minute by minute, and God forbid we pass that along to you. So me and my spotter lie in the grass, sand, or snow for days on end, cramped and hungry, never able to move more than a millimeter an hour until I have that one perfect shot I’ve been waiting for days. I take it, and then we lie there like pieces of dirt until we can inch our way back to safety, where hopefully the helicopter team will remember that they were supposed to retrieve us. Have you any idea of the nerves it takes to do what I do? To lie there on the ground while other armed men search for you? Have them step on you and not be able to even breathe or wince because if you do, it’s not only your life, but the life of your spotter? Do you know what it’s like to have the brains of your best friend spayed into your face and not be able to render aid to him because you know he’s dead and if you do, you’ll be killed too? I have been into the bowels of hell and back, Miz Westbrook. I have stared down the devil and made him sweat. So don’t tell me I don’t take this seriously. (Steele)

It is the simplest phrase you can imagine,” Favreau said, “three monosyllabic words that people say to each other every day.” But the speech etched itself in rhetorical lore. It inspired music videos and memes and the full range of reactions that any blockbuster receives online today, from praise to out-of-context humor to arch mockery. Obama’s “Yes, we can” refrain is an example of a rhetorical device known as epistrophe, or the repetition of words at the end of a sentence. It’s one of many famous rhetorical types, most with Greek names, based on some form of repetition. There is anaphora, which is repetition at the beginning of a sentence (Winston Churchill: “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields”). There is tricolon, which is repetition in short triplicate (Abraham Lincoln: “Government of the people, by the people, and for the people”). There is epizeuxis, which is the same word repeated over and over (Nancy Pelosi: “Just remember these four words for what this legislation means: jobs, jobs, jobs, and jobs”). There is diacope, which is the repetition of a word or phrase with a brief interruption (Franklin D. Roosevelt: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”) or, most simply, an A-B-A structure (Sarah Palin: “Drill baby drill!”). There is antithesis, which is repetition of clause structures to juxtapose contrasting ideas (Charles Dickens: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”). There is parallelism, which is repetition of sentence structure (the paragraph you just read). Finally, there is the king of all modern speech-making tricks, antimetabole, which is rhetorical inversion: “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” There are several reasons why antimetabole is so popular. First, it’s just complex enough to disguise the fact that it’s formulaic. Second, it’s useful for highlighting an argument by drawing a clear contrast. Third, it’s quite poppy, in the Swedish songwriting sense, building a hook around two elements—A and B—and inverting them to give listeners immediate gratification and meaning. The classic structure of antimetabole is AB;BA, which is easy to remember since it spells out the name of a certain Swedish band.18 Famous ABBA examples in politics include: “Man is not the creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of men.” —Benjamin Disraeli “East and West do not mistrust each other because we are armed; we are armed because we mistrust each other.” —Ronald Reagan “The world faces a very different Russia than it did in 1991. Like all countries, Russia also faces a very different world.” —Bill Clinton “Whether we bring our enemies to justice or bring justice to our enemies, justice will be done.” —George W. Bush “Human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights.” —Hillary Clinton In particular, President John F. Kennedy made ABBA famous (and ABBA made John F. Kennedy famous). “Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind,” he said, and “Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension,” and most famously, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” Antimetabole is like the C–G–Am–F chord progression in Western pop music: When you learn it somewhere, you hear it everywhere.19 Difficult and even controversial ideas are transformed, through ABBA, into something like musical hooks.