Andy Griffith Quotes

Baby, Andy once said that beauty is a sign of intelligence.' She turns slowly to look at me. 'Who, Victor? Who? Andy who?' She coughs, blowing her nose. 'Andy Kaufman? Andy Griffith? Who in the hell told you this? Andy Rooney?' 'Warhol,' I say softly, hurt. 'Baby...

Well, do a good day's work and act like somebody.

THE 100 PERCENT TOTALLY DANGER-PROOF FUTURE IS AMAZING!’ we shout. Terry runs into the wall again. I jump back into the shark’s mouth.

No detective ever solved a mystery without the help of a hot jam doughnut.

Laughter is the best medicine.

The Los Angeles parade would begin in Griffith Park, where a large crowd would assemble and the speeches would be given. Every politician of consequence would be there. There was no way they would miss a chance to publicly praise the troops and honor those who had lost their lives in service. Some of the tributes would be sincere and heartfelt, and some less so. But participating in the event, vowing undying support for the U.S. military, was an absolute must to maintain political viability. It was okay to vote to cut funds for veterans' healthcare, but don't dare miss a chance to jump on the Memorial Day bandwagon.

Sorry, but I'd rather sit home eating Vienna sausage straight from the can watching Andy Griffith reruns than be forced to dine with that Oompa-Loompa!

He felt out of place in Prescott City, like a Hell’s Angel who had wandered onto the Andy Griffith show.

One of the radio stations sometimes played the theme to the Andy Griffith Show...The song was a tiny, quiet piece of America carved out of the rest. No fire hoses, no need for the National Guard.

we wanted to pay homage to TV producer-director-actor Sheldon Leonard [the Emmy-winning producer and director of shows like The Danny Thomas Show, The Andy Griffith Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, and more], so that’s where Sheldon and Leonard came from.

Zack. The bumcatcher winced as he spoke. ‘Listen to me, Zack,’ he said. ‘Your bum

crustaceans?

two guinea pigs,

A bunch of monkeys were riding the marshmallow machine straight at us and firing marshmallows at our heads.

PLAINVILLE WAS A QUAINT picturesque town. Northern California’s version of Andy Griffith’s Mayberry. Bucolic enough to provide cinematic contrast for any low-budget stalk-and-slash film. Juxtaposition played just as important a role in still photography as it did in cinematography. Maybe that’s why Natalie Jones had picked Plainville for her final descent into darkness. The climactic scene in a comedic tragedy. Cast of one. Audience of one. Curtain closed.

Maybe nostalgia is itself the problem. A Democrat I met in Macon during a conversation we had about the local enthusiasm for Trump told me that “people want to go back to Mayberry”, the setting of the beloved old Andy Griffith Show. (As it happens, the actual model for Mayberry, Mount Airy, a bedraggled town in North Carolina, has gone all in on the Trump revolution, as the Washington Post recently reported.) Maybe it’s also true, as my liberal friends believe, that what people in this part of the country secretly long to go back to are the days when the Klan was riding high or when Quantrill was terrorizing the people of neighboring Kansas, or when Dred Scott was losing his famous court case. For sure, there is a streak of that ugly sentiment in the Trump phenomenon. But I want to suggest something different: that the nostalgic urge does not necessarily have to be a reactionary one. There is nothing un-progressive about wanting your town to thrive, about recognizing that it isn’t thriving today, about figuring out that the mid-century, liberal way worked better. For me, at least, that is how nostalgia unfolds. When I drive around this part of the country, I always do so with a WPA guidebook in hand, the better to help me locate the architectural achievements of the Roosevelt years. I used to patronize a list of restaurants supposedly favored by Harry Truman (they are slowly disappearing). And these days, as I pass Trump sign after Trump sign, I wonder what has made so many of Truman’s people cast their lot with this blustering would-be caudillo. Maybe what I’m pining for is a liberal Magic Kingdom, a non-racist midwest where things function again. For a countryside dotted with small towns where the business district has reasonable job-creating businesses in it, taverns too. For a state where the giant chain stores haven’t succeeded in putting everyone out of business. For an economy where workers can form unions and buy new cars every couple of years, where farmers enjoy the protection of the laws, and where corporate management has not been permitted to use every trick available to them to drive down wages and play desperate cities off one against the other. Maybe it’s just an impossible utopia, a shimmering Mayberry dream. But somehow I don’t think so.

She wasn’t

Everything I know about life, I learned from The Andy Griffith Show.

going to

He wondered if he'd be better off staying at the bum shelter with his false bum and forgetting about his real bum. But he couldn't. His bum was trying to take over the world.

Stenchgator, the Great Unwiped Bum... was listed in the Bumper Book of Bums as the stinkiest bum in the world. Most bums only registered one or two points on the Rectum scale, but Stenchgator came in at a nose-bruising 9.8 points.

shoelace caught in an escalator.

chocolate, strawberry, vanilla and honeycomb.

axle-grease, grass, toothpaste, fish-milkshake and raw horseflesh.

The Andy Griffith Show was anachronistic. The denizens of Mayberry wore clothing of uncertain vintage and hair of indeterminate style and drove cars of unspecified age. Scant mention was made of current affairs or changing times. Telephone calls were placed through a human operator, and no one seemed to own a television set.

this?’ ‘It would make a great head for our scarecrow,’ says Terry. ‘I didn’t know you had a scarecrow,’ says Jill. ‘We don’t,’ says Terry, ‘but if we did this head would be perfect!’ ‘No way,’ I say. ‘I don’t want to see that man’s head ever again. I hated him.’ ‘Yeah,’ says Jill, ‘so did I.’ ‘Oh, did you know him, too?’ says Terry. ‘Yes! Don’t you remember? I was on board his ship when you and Andy were captured. I’ll never forget my first sight of you, Terry! You looked like you were wearing a nappy!’ ‘It wasn’t a nappy,’ says Terry. ‘I was wearing emergency self-inflating underpants. They get a bit baggy when they deflate.’ ‘And Andy was so scared he was crying,’ says Jill. ‘I was not crying,’ I say. ‘It was just spray from

Once upon a slime, there was a disgusting princess called Mud Brown. She lived in a stinking bog with seven slobs called Stinky, Filthy, Snotty,

Messy, Grubby, Sloppy, and Robert.

Mount Everest!

Hey, I know,’ says Terry. ‘Why don’t

desk.

ABOVE: An artist’s impression of what it would look like if Mr Big Nose’s nose exploded.

BARKY THE BARKING DOG SHOW

dance contest …

waves to surf …

THE 13-STOREY MONKEY HOUSE

pictures.

Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream! Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, Give it some ice cream! Row, row, row your boat, Row and never stop. If you’re getting hungry, Then suck a lollipop! Row, row, row your boat, Gently on the lake. Don’t forget to bring along A really big—

CHEESECAKE!

TRACTOR TIRE!

POOP POOP!

screaming caterpillar that just screams and screams and when you ask it to stop it just keeps screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and scream—

a screaming caterpillar that just screams and screams and when you ask it to stop it just keeps screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and scream—

FRED THE GHOSTLY GHOST

spleen,

canary

having

sadly.

Edward

going

climb

better

Lots

About Treehouse Tales WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. IT CONTAINS THIRTEEN OF THE SILLIEST TALES THE TREEHOUSE TEAM HAVE EVER TOLD. TALES SO SILLY THEY COULD BREAK YOUR BRAIN*. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN NOW. BY ORDER OF THE STORY POLICE. *Unless you don’t have one, in which case you’ll be fine so please disregard this warning.

OPEN THE TREEHOUSE DOOR OR ELSE!

I hate you, Andy,’ says Jen. ‘I really HATE you. I REALLY, REALLY HATE YOU!’ ‘Jen!’ says Mum, coming into the room with a cup of tea in one hand and a crossword puzzle book in the other. ‘What an awful thing to say to your brother! Apologise to him this instant!’ ‘But, Mum …’ says Jen. ‘No buts,’ says Mum. ‘There’s no excuse for speaking like that. Apologise right now!

Well, yeah,” says Terry, “they are, but it was only designed for one person.

BY ANDY GRIFFITHS AND TERRY DENTON Just Tricking! Just Annoying! Just Stupid! Just Crazy! Just Disgusting! Just Shocking! Just Macbeth! Just Doomed! The Bad Book The Very Bad Book The Cat on the Mat is Flat The Big Fat Cow That Goes Kapow What Bumosaur is That? What Body Part is That? The 13-Storey Treehouse The 26-Storey Treehouse The 39-Storey Treehouse The 52-Storey Treehouse The 65-Storey Treehouse The 78-Storey Treehouse Once Upon a Slime: 45 fun ways to get writing ... FAST! The Treehouse Fun Book The Treehouse Fun Book 2

Terry shrugged. “Nah, not really,” he said. “Sea-monkeys aren’t that interesting after all.” “Never mind,” I said. “Let’s get back to work.” Soon we were back at our table, about to start work on the next story, when we heard a loud crash.

cats! A whole bunch of them...13 to be exact, with Silky in the lead! They were flying in formation, coming in low and fast,

Yes it is,” says the monster.

If life gets tough, what do you have that you can always count on? A Your fingers. ‘But we have to write this book,’ says Terry.

We

buttock,

thirty-six rabbits.

Girl germs. (Shocking fact #1: Girl germs have been scientifically proven—by me and my best friend, Danny—to be the most dangerous germs on the planet. Anybody who has ever TOUCHED a girl, been in the SAME ROOM as a girl or even THOUGHT about a girl should immediately run to the nearest hospital before it is too late. Anybody who IS a girl, well, bad luck. It already IS too late. You are doomed.)

And I’m even sorrier than Andy,” says Terry.

nincompoops!

far.” “Not as far as you’re going,” replies the puddle. “Now

As you can see, we’ve been doing this for quite a while now.

Were Trump born a woman he would never even have come close to earning the respect even of the idiots who respect him. The world rewards morons if the damage to their penis does not outweigh the damage to their brains.

Fine,

feel free to watch! Just try not to sneeze—we don’t want any more germs getting into these poor

wiping

Me neither,

by force.” “You’ll have to catch us first,” I say, slamming the door shut. “OPEN UP!” Mr. Slackoff shouts angrily from the

You’ll have to make me sneeze to get

send out the secret puddle-fighting call and get the old team back together!

Okay,” I said, “then I’m sorry to inform you that I’m going to have to whack you over the head with this giant banana.” “Not if I can whack you first!” said Terry, snatching the banana from my hands and whacking me over the head with it. That’s when everything went black.

If you've ever watched Andy Griffith, you'll find Geraldine vaguely familiar. She reminds everybody of Aunt Bee. Her size, her sort of scatterbrained reasoning, her sweet manner, and above all, her ability to cook a meal you found it hard to walk away from, all fit that image.

and

remind

ANTS!

otherwise

After assembly

ALL HAIL THE NEW ORDER!’ chanted the crowd. It was a truly grotesque sight.

If you’re like most of our readers, you’re probably wondering where we get all the ideas for our books from. Well, sometimes we think them up. Other times they are based on stuff that actually happens. Like this book, for instance. It all started one morning when I got up and went down to get some breakfast.

Take a look at this.” “Those poor little ants,” says Jill.

magnifying glass. “Thanks,” says Terry. “I needed that.” “Don’t mention it,” I say. “That’s what friends are for. Come on! To the flying fried-egg car!” We jump in and pull the yolk down tightly over the top of us. I press EXTRA SIZZLE on the control panel … and we take off through the concealed flying fried-egg car hatch in the top of the detective agency. We fly through Mr. Big Nose’s window and park next to his bookshelf. Terry takes out the two biggest magnifying glasses and starts looking

Zack walked across the room to the window, leaned out and peered into the night.

bearer of good news,’ says Bill, ‘but I’d better be on my way.’ He

scooter back down the path he’s cleared to our front door and disappears into the overgrown forest. ‘I had the most amazing dream while we were asleep,’ says Terry. ‘I dreamed we added another 13

a haunted house,

Our books are friends for life.

Boy germs. Actually, no. That’s just a joke. (Shocking fact #2: Not only are boy germs completely harmless, they have been scientifically proven—by me and my best friend, Danny—to be GOOD for you.)

Harrisonburg,

stories.)

my Ninja Snails. ‘Watch this!’ ‘Attack!’ ‘Fly!

YOU

what’s the alternative? We can’t just