Andy Borowitz Quotes

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.

Being dumb’s just about the worst thing there is when it comes to holding high office. —HARRY S. TRUMAN The worst thing a man can do is go bald. —DONALD J. TRUMP

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your f**king life.

What happens when you combine ignorance with performing talent? A president who tells the country to inject bleach.

I want the president of the United States to be intellectually curious for a simple reason: I think the person running the country should be smarter than I am. We’ve just lived through the alternative, and it was only good for the liquor industry.

Quayle was George Bush 2.0, sharing not just the original model’s privileged upbringing but also his hapless steel-cage match with the English language

A surgeon is like a car mechanic — you only know how good he is after the job is done.

Who’s the most ignorant person the United States is willing to elect?

Over the past fifty years, what some of our most prominent politicians didn’t know could fill a book. This is that book.

Given the alarming state of his knowledge, you might wonder what job he could get. Unfortunately, he’s not hypothetical, and the job he got, in 2016, was president of the United States.

Nine months earlier, when Olivia and I were exchanging wedding vows, we made absolutely no mention of shoving enemas up each other's asses. And yet here we are. This is what it means to love and be loved.

An elementary school student in South Carolina stumped him with a gotcha question even more challenging than Hiller’s about the president of Chechnya: What was his favorite book as a child? “I can’t remember any specific books,” he said. Later, responding to a similar query in a written questionnaire, he summoned an answer: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Though that book might have been his favorite, it was published a year after he graduated from Yale.

Scientists have already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the tremendous powers of psychic energy.

(Even on this topic, though, there was some disagreement, as Tea Partiers split over whether the president was a communist, a Nazi, or both.)

The task of watering the arid desert between Reagan’s ears is a challenging one for his aides.” And, continuing with the water imagery, a California legislator said, “You could walk through Ronald Reagan’s deepest thoughts and not get your ankles wet.

now, every morning when I wake up, I do two things: I look out the window at the city, the beautiful city, the sun rising over it. And then I look at my beautiful wife sleeping next to me. And I realize at that moment that I've got today, and I have everything.

Imagine a hypothetical job applicant. He can't spell the simplest words, such as "heal" and "tap". Confused by geography, he thinks there's an African country called "Nambia". As for American history, he's under the impression that Andrew Jackson, who died in 1845, was angry about the Civil War, and that Frederick Douglass, who died in 1895, is still alive. Given the alarming state of his knowledge, you might wonder what job he could get. Unfortunately, he's not hypothetical, and the job he got, in 2016, was president of the United States.

(Since he also asked, famously, “Is our children learning?” one expected that his first official act as president would be to cancel the agreement between subjects and verbs.)

artisanal way — I'm given a hospital room,

People sometimes call our nation “the American experiment.” Recently, though, we’ve been lab rats in another, perverse American experiment, seemingly designed to answer this question: Who’s the most ignorant person the United States is willing to elect?

His most glorious gaffes were mind-bending adventures that challenged the linear nature of time: “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future”; “The future will be better tomorrow”; “The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the… to the back”; and “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” Quayle’s verbal contortions would have killed a lesser man, but he remained unbowed. “I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made,” he declared.

The success of professional wrestling, like most of the entertainment that envelops our culture, lies not in fooling us that these stories are real,” he writes. “Rather, it succeeds because we ask to be fooled. We happily pay for the chance to suspend reality. The wrestlers, like all celebrities, become our vicarious selves. They do what we cannot.

Given the press's reluctance to fact-check Reagan, it's no surprise that the public gradually stopped caring whether anything he said was, well, factual.