Al Franken Quotes

Mistakes are a part of being human. Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.

I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!

When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building, I didn't realize he meant our nation.

Does the mainstream media have a liberal bias? On a couple of things, maybe. Compared to the American public at large, probably a slightly higher percentage of journalists, because of thier enhanced power of discernment, realize they know a gay person or two, and are, therefore, less frightened of them.

We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow.

They tell you in this country that you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And we all believe that. But first you’ve got to have the boots. And the federal government gave Franni’s family the boots.

Dennis Prager got it right: “If we continue to teach about tolerance and intolerance instead of good and evil, we will end up with tolerance of evil.

The problem with Ted isn’t that he’s humorless. It isn’t even his truly reprehensible far-right politics. No, the problem with Ted—and the reason so many senators have a problem with Ted—is simply that he is an absolutely toxic coworker. He’s the guy in your office who snitches to corporate about your March Madness pool and microwaves fish in the office kitchen. He is the Dwight Schrute of the Senate. In

It was almost as if the incoming commander-in-chief had some sort of mental health problem. The kind of mental health problem that you would be disturbed to discover in your kid’s piano teacher, let alone the president of the United States of America

My point is, the Senate is filled not just with lawyers, but with old white men.

Virtually everyone in the world believes that climate change is real and is caused by human beings, except Republicans in the United States. Especially the people who would know best: 97 percent of climate scientists agree that climate change is real and caused by human activity, and I suspect the other 3 percent are being paid by the fossil fuel industry”.

But I really think that if we don’t start caring about whether people tell the truth or not, it’s going to be literally impossible to restore anything approaching a reasonable political discourse. Politicians have always shaded the truth. But if you can say something that is provably false, and no one cares, then you can’t have a real debate about anything. I

In the foreseeable future, I will be a dead person. I want to remind you that dead people are people too. There are good dead people and bad dead people. Some of my best friends are dead people. Dead people have fought in every war.” Then

I don’t know why dishonesty has always gotten under my skin. My parents taught me to tell the truth, but come on, whose parents didn’t? Well, okay, maybe Trump’s. The point is, I don’t know where exactly my particular obsession with lies and lying liars came from. And I admit, it’s a little weird. Part of it may be that I’ve always been an incredibly literal person.

The Democratic Senator’s Serenity Prayer God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Legislate The Courage to Legislate the Things I Can The Wisdom to Know the Difference And the Patience to Explain That Difference to My Donors

But now we seem to have entered an era where getting caught lying openly and shamelessly, lying in a manner that insults the intelligence of both your friends and foes, lying about lying, and lying for the sake of lying have all lost their power to damage a politician. In fact, the “Trump Effect” yields the opposite result: Trump supporters seem to approve of the fact that he lies constantly, including to them.

No whining on the yacht.

Anyway, here’s the thing you have to understand about Ted Cruz. I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.

I know this seems quaint, but back in 2008, Republicans did not consider "demeaning and degrading women" to be senatorial, let alone presidential.

Campaign contributions don’t buy votes. What they buy is access.

Virtually everyone in the world believes that climate change is real and is caused by human beings, except Republicans in the United States.

If we don't start caring about whether people tell the truth or not, it's going to be literally impossible to restore anything approaching reasonable political discourse.

I know I’m sort of farting into the wind on this. But I hope you’ll fart along with me. I’ve always believed that it’s possible to discern true statements from false statements, and that it’s critically important to do so, and that we put our entire democratic experiment in peril when we don’t. It’s a lesson I fear our nation is about to learn the hard way. That’s

Former Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank once said, “I only voted once for someone who believes in 100 percent of what I believe. And that’s when I voted for myself—the first time.

I watched Harry closely as he read the joke and then… burst out laughing. In fact, he started shaking with laughter. It was a surreal moment, sitting nervously with my consultants, watching Harry Reid convulse in hysterics over the idea of Anne Frank playing drums in the attic. Finally, he turned to me. I just shrugged.

When Bootsie was old enough to go to high school, Fran got herself a $300 GI loan to enroll at the University of Maine. She got three more loans and graduated with a teaching degree. Because she taught Title I kids—poor kids—all her loans were forgiven. Every member of Franni’s family made it to the middle class. And they did it because of Social Security, Pell Grants, the GI Bill, and Title I of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act. They tell you in this country that you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And we all believe that. But first you’ve got to have the boots. And the federal government gave Franni’s family the boots.

That’s how things are supposed to work. If you are privileged enough to have a job as a lawmaker, part of your job is to make laws. And if you don’t like the way a law is working, your job is to help make it work better. But

As the polls began closing in the East, with states like New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Virginia going for Barack Obama, it was quickly becoming clear that this would be an especially bad night for racists all across the country.

When the Soviet Union launched Sputnik in 1957, my parents, like the rest of America, were terrified. The Soviets had nuclear weapons and now were ahead of us in space. So my parents marched me and Owen into our living room, sat us down, and said, " You boys are going to study math and Science so we can beat the Soviets!" I thought that was a lot of pressure to put on a six-year old. But own and I were obedient sons, so we studied math and science. And we were good at it.. Owen was the first in our family to go to college. He went to MIT, graduating with a degree in physics, and then became a photographer. I went to Harvard, and became a comedian. My poor parents. But we still beat the Soviets. You're welcome.

Politics is not just about power and money games, politics can be about the improvement of people's lives, about lessening human suffering in our world and bringing about more peace and more justice. -Paul Wellstone (Minnesota Senator, Al Franken predecessor)

I complained about it to Tim Kaine. "Flake gave me this stupid hat. This is the worst Secret Santa gift ever. What was he thinking?" "Staff error," said Tim. He's really smart. And would make a great vice president. Goddammit. Now I'm depressed. Let's move on.

since I got into politics, I still think I have the best job in the world (some days) and why, despite the rise of Trump, I’m still (kind of) optimistic about our future (most of the time [albeit certainly less than I was a few months ago]). —Al Franken Washington,

I’m not going to write stuff like, “Mitch McConnell and I may disagree, but when we’re off the clock, we’re the best of friends—sometimes we go to dinner and Mitch will laugh so hard that milk shoots out of his nose.” No, I’m not going to be writing clichés like that. Instead,

Today’s Congress is a polarized, dysfunctional body, rendered helpless by partisanship, more focused on scoring short-term political points than on solving our nation’s urgent problems. In short, the Washington of the past decade has been awash in nincompoopery.USS* And that was before Trump.

I compensated for this by absorbing as much

Some readers might think that because I am so successful, I have never made a mistake.

Unions gave us the forty-hour workweek, the weekend, and the middle class.

The people of Minnesota value a politician who believes what he says and says what he believes and votes that way.

right wing’s most common techniques—including the deceptive use of statistics.

politics is about the improvement of people’s lives.” I

My point is, the Senate is filled not just with lawyers, but with old white men. Chapter 28 The Angel and the Devil Actors often claim not to read their own reviews.

Mike Mansfield had a saying: “It only takes one senator to make a scene. But it takes more than one to make a difference.” Okay, he never said that. I made it up.

Franni knew I loved these tours, but one year she said to me in frustration, “You don’t see Bill O’Reilly going on USO tours.” “That’s not fair, honey,” I said. “He has no talent.

Yes, Roger Ailes, who actually was very funny and who, as far as I know, did not sexually harass anyone during the two hours he was with us. Between

You're not supposed to have to be rich or lucky to have a chance to do great things. Opportunity is supposed to be for everyone. And that's why I'm a Democrat.

Either way, senators certainly do a lot less drugs than we did at SNL.

I also discovered how much I could learn from listening to other people’s stories—even people who at first blush didn’t seem like the kind of people you could learn much of anything from

Mitch McConnell’s innovation was in using it constantly to slow down things that did have bipartisan support, just to make sure as little as possible happened that Obama could get credit for. You

Having children is life’s greatest joy. But there are some people, and maybe you are one of them, who don’t like kids, and consider travel life’s greatest joy. You shouldn’t have kids. Don’t have them.

Reporters would just use the most interesting (and, usually, unhelpful) sound bites in my lengthy responses to their questions, instead of writing about the message that we wanted to get out that particular day.

Once you even acknowledge that there is a line, that there are things you shouldn’t be allowed to joke about, that there are words that can’t be said no matter the context, you’re selling out the very idea of comedy.

Simply put, once married you will no longer give a shit about how you look. What's more, personal appearance can be a handy arena in which to punish your spouse passive aggressively by allowing your own appearance to deteriorate.

I think Gore would have been a great president, may well have prevented 9/ 11, and would not have sent us to war in Iraq based on manufactured evidence. And he’d have addressed climate change, which to me is the greatest existential threat facing mankind.

I’ve always believed that it’s possible to discern true statements from false statements, and that it’s critically important to do so, and that we put our entire democratic experiment in peril when we don’t. It’s a lesson I fear our nation is about to learn the hard way. That’s

Paul's greatest contribution to the progressive cause wasn't what he accomplished in the senate, although he accomplished a lot. It's the way he inspired others to take action, and taught them to be effective, and gave them the confidence to stand up and shout about what they believed it.

Some good things did come out of the scandal. Husbands and wives started having frank discussions about what does and does not constitute adultery. For example, my wife has told me that she feels that oral sex is adultery. Which I guess explains why we haven’t had any since we’ve been married.

Also, like Bush, Bauer is open to a little good-natured ribbing. Even about his religion. According to Prophecy, at the moment of the Rapture everyone who has taken Christ as his savior will immediately ascend to heaven. So if you’re in an airplane, and your pilot has accepted Christ, you’re in trouble.

we senators get recesses, but Senate recesses aren’t really breaks. They’re just periods of time where we’re doing different kinds of work, like traveling around our states meeting with people, or raising money, or going overseas on the jam-packed congressional trips known as CODELs (congressional delegations).*

So I've always been interested in politics. And I thank my parents for that. As you can see, there's a strong element of moral indignation behind this interest, and indignation is well and good in doses, but I noticed fairly early in life that some people live to find stuff to be indignant about. And it's pretty unattractive. That's why I decided to become a wiseass.

Reid interrupted. “What kind of jokes are we talking about?” We all looked at each other, not sure what to say. Reid tried again, looking at his notes. “It says here, ‘Franken made jokes about the Holocaust.’ What does that mean?” Diane handed our poll to Harry and pointed to the joke we had tested: “I think a bad Hanukkah gift for Anne Frank would have been a drum set.”*

Inequality in education starts early, and it starts at home. A study by the University of Kansas found that by the time she is three years old, a child who grows up in a home on welfare will hear thirty million fewer words than a child who grows up in the home of a professional family.* Words like “portfolio” and “equestrian.” We know that kids who have had a quality early childhood education are less likely to be placed in special education, less likely to be left back a grade,

The truth is, I don’t really believe that Republicans are ever going to come up with a real replacement for the Affordable Care Act. Because it seems to me that they don’t actually care about making sure that every American has access to quality, affordable health care. What do they care about? They want insurance companies to be able to sell you junk policies. They want drug manufacturers to be able to gouge people who rely on medications to stay healthy. They want to make it harder for people who’ve suffered from medical malpractice to get their day in court. They want rich people to not have to pay for health care for poor people. And, most of all, they want to keep using this issue to rally their base, reward their donors, and punish Democrats. I don’t know what’s going to happen going forward.

I really think that if we don’t start caring about whether people tell the truth or not, it’s going to be literally impossible to restore anything approaching a reasonable political discourse. Politicians have always shaded the truth. But if you can say something that is provably false, and no one cares, then you can’t have a real debate about anything. I firmly believe that you can draw a straight line from Rush Limbaugh through Fox News through present-day websites like Breitbart and the explosion in “fake news”* that played such a big role in the 2016 campaign. And that’s how someone like Trump can wind up in the Oval Office. I know I’m sort of farting into the wind on this. But I hope you’ll fart along with me. I’ve always believed that it’s possible to discern true statements from false statements, and that it’s critically important to do so, and that we put our entire democratic experiment in peril when we don’t. It’s a lesson I fear our nation is about to learn the hard way.

This book consists not only of my stories of mistakes, rather it’s all our stories of mistakes and heart aches. It’s the plight of all of us who were rebelling, and kicking against the social messes we found ourselves in. Yet there are so many others who are not alive today, and I feel obligated in not allowing the lessons of their mistakes to lie in the grave with them. It was the United States Senator, Al Franken, who stated, “Mistakes are a part of being human. Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.” I’m revealing all of those mistakes and more, sadly a lot of them are fatal. In an attempt to have these real life lessons obtained in blood, prevent the blood-shedding of so many others. These stories are ones that young people can understand and identify with. While at the same time empowering them, to make better decisions about their choice of friends, the proper use of their time and how one wrong move can be fatal. I guess the major question that we all have to ask ourselves at the end of the day would be: how could I and so many others have been prevented from becoming monsters? You be the judge. I now extend my hand to you, and personally invite you to take a journey with me into the heartlands of innocence to menacing, from a youngster to a monster, and the making of a predator. I will safely walk you down the deserted and darkened street corners which were once my world of crime, gang violence and senseless murders. It’s a different world unto itself, one which could only be observed up close by invitation only. Together we will learn the motivation behind hard-core gangsters, and explore the minds of cold-blooded murderers. You will discover the way they think about their own lives, and why they are so remorseless about the taking of another’s life. So, if you will, please journey with me as we discover together how the fight of our lives were wrapped up in our fathers.

The future belongs to those who are passionate and work hard.

No, turning the public arena into a wasteland of personal destruction takes an army of like-minded ideologues helll-bent on shredding the already tattered standards of decency that once permitted reasonable discourse on matters of import.

If someone hacks your password, you can change it—as many times as you want. You can’t change your fingerprints. You have only ten of them. And you leave them on everything you touch. SENATOR AL FRANKEN

War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

if you can say something that is provably false, and no one cares, then you can’t have a real debate about anything.

Phone calls make a difference. Letters make a difference. Emails make a difference.

showing up in person makes the biggest difference of all

Become a foot soldier.

How could that be what America chose?

I meet people who bought into the misinformation spread about Hillary Clinton and couldn’t bring themselves to vote for someone who was insufficiently attentive to proper email security protocols.

So Franni and I teamed up with Mike and Diana Enzi to start a tradition of throwing pizza parties and ice-cream socials for these kids. Pages are generally not allowed to initiate conversations with senators, so Mike and I give them an opportunity to ask us questions like, “Is being a senator as much fun as being on Saturday Night Live?” or, in Mike’s case, “Is being a senator as much fun as being an accountant?

Third: Become an advocate. By which I mean, pick an issue that means a lot to you (immigration, mental health, clean water) and look for an organization that’s doing work on that issue. Join. Give them your email address. Go to the meetings. Become a foot soldier. You’d be surprised how quickly foot soldiers in these organizations can become

Arlen Specter, the senator from Pennsylvania, felt compelled to defect to the Democratic Party that spring, giving Obama a 60th vote in the Senate once Al Franken was seated after a protracted legal fight in Minnesota.