Adhd Relationship Quotes

Every person with ADHD already knows that destination addiction is part of their disorder. However, if it doesn’t have a positive outlet, it can destroy your life. It is not another person that will make your life better; it is the qualities in them that you admire. Incorporate those attributes into your own life and you won’t miss a thing.

You can't compare men or women with mental disorders to the normal expectations of men and women in without mental orders. Your dealing with symptoms and until you understand that you will always try to find sane explanations among insane behaviors. You will always have unreachable standards and disappointments. If you want to survive in a marriage to someone that has a disorder you have to judge their actions from a place of realistic expectations in regards to that person's upbringing and diagnosis.

Parenting” an ADHD spouse is always destructive to your relationship because it demotivates and generates frustration and anger.

Being overwhelmed can lead to procrastination, which often leads to being chronically late for deadlines and appointments. Being chronically late can take a toll on your self-esteem and damage your relationships. You’ve probably heard your whole life that you are uncaring, selfish, immature, or worse. Executive function impairment is tied directly to a distorted sense of time and a struggle to manage it.

Without self-control, we wind up in places we didn’t really want to be,

if the partners don’t get workload distribution issues under control, the anger and resentment that builds up can end the marriage.

insecurity had nothing to do with reality. He loved me deeply. He just didn’t realize that he wasn’t paying attention because he was distracted by just about everything else.

You can’t pick your friends. You can only pick who to do stuff with that you find meaningful. And then see what kind of relationship evolves over time.

Recognize, however, that some people with ADHD compensated for their ADHD in childhood but fall apart after they have too much on their plate as adults. Typically, this happens with the introduction of children into your lives. Raising kids takes an inordinate amount of organizational skill, which is not generally an ADHD strong point.

Shame often triggers anger and defensiveness, which can shut down what ought to be a straightforward conversation before it has even begun. Anger, stonewalling, and defensiveness can seem unreasonable to a non-ADHD spouse who, not having experienced this same type of repeated bashing of the ego, doesn’t understand it or interpret it correctly.

You should allow yourself to experience this sadness, because grieving for what you have not had in your marriage up to this point is one of the first steps toward building a new life together. But know that there are many reasons to be hopeful as well. As you learn about the patterns in ADHD relationships, you will also learn what to do about them.

MotivAider,

You can’t solve someone’s grief. Just acknowledge and empathize; don’t dismiss. Over time, grief that is acknowledged and validated will heal.

The less you have, the less time there will be keeping it organized and clean.

Fire children are often told to "settle down", "be still", or - even worse - diagnosed with ADD when they may simply have a very energetic disposition from being a Fire element.

Emotion is so powerful that it’s as if it has an electric charge that is transferred to those around us.

Self-awareness ✓ Inhibition ✓ Nonverbal working memory ✓ Verbal working memory ✓ Emotion regulation ✓ Self-motivation

He learns that getting things done doesn’t get him much credit, which demotivates him.

In short, I feel many times like the mom of three children instead of two. I have to keep his schedule as well as my own and the kids.

feel like I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled to get his attention but it never works…or never works for long. If I get mad, I’m the bad guy because I’m not supportive. If I get sad it makes

Medication is the most efficient way to jump-start treatment, but it does not effectively treat ADHD in marriages without the addition of behavioral changes. These changes must be voluntary. No matter how much a non-ADHD spouse may want to, she can’t “make” her spouse do certain things like be more organized or more attentive. Furthermore, these changes must come from both partners.

Women with AD/HD often move away from relationships in the initial stages of forming friendships because of their difficulty in making small talk or difficulty with finding the words that they want to say when they want to say them. Sometimes it is as difficult to find the words in your messy mind as it is to find a paper on your messy desk. Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo (1995, pg. 66) call this a “reaction time irregularity” They go on to point out that a person with this difficulty might look rude or disinterested when they actually may be having “trouble retrieving things from memory in a demand situation”.

The shame that people with ADHD, male or female, carry around with them after years and years of being told that they are inadequate is a critical factor when a marriage starts to fall apart, or when they are approached by a well-meaning spouse about asking for an evaluation for ADHD. Shame often triggers anger and defensiveness, which can shut down what ought to be a straightforward conversation before it has even begun. Anger, stonewalling, and defensiveness can seem unreasonable to a non-ADHD spouse who, not having experienced this same type of repeated bashing of the ego, doesn’t understand it or interpret it correctly.

Perhaps worst of all, you feel intense stress from not knowing whether you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of the household, while your spouse gets to “have all the fun.

Most often, a non-ADHD spouse can make this transition easily, but the ADHD spouse ends up lost; and because the non-ADHD spouse assumes that an adult should be able to make the transition, this inability to adjust is frustrating.

It is not unusual for children with ADHD, especially those who are not hyperactive and are very bright, to do quite well in elementary school, where they spend a significant portion of each school day in one classroom with a single teacher who can provide considerable structure and stability for each student in that stable group. The teacher gets to know each student and can support her in her academic work and in resolving difficulties in social relationships.

If you are being parented, it means that ADHD symptoms are getting in the way of your relationship, whether you are aware of it or not. To get out of parent–child dynamics, consider these suggestions: Talk with your doctor about improving treatment

In addition to beginning and maintaining relationships, many women have let established relationships slip away. Small occasions and important events with other people are missed: there are an increasing number of missed thank-you notes, missed birthdays, or invitations that are not reciprocated. The connections just aren’t kept up, and eventually they’re gone. They then anticipate scolding, rejection, or negative reactions when they think about trying to reconnect or rectify a situation, so they tend to avoid them altogether. While this may be true for everyone to some extent, women with AD/HD with particular histories or wounds are especially sensitive to and avoidant of this kind of potentially critical feedback further increasing the negative cycle.

Children with ADHD can do so many things wrong that parents could confront them on their transgressions throughout much of the day. But is this the kind of relationship you want with your child? Parents of children with ADHD must develop a sense of priorities.

It is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL to feel like there is no companionship because I can’t rely on my husband to do what he said he would do. It is sooo lonely to feel like my husband is constantly in his own “happy place” while I am saddled with all of the responsibility…I,

days of “talks” about his “problem”? People with ADHD are all too aware that others think they are “broken,” and the resulting low self-esteem and resentment sometimes color their ability to enter into a relationship in the first place. Take this professionally successful woman with ADHD:

Women with AD/HD want to connect but because of their difficulties with executive functioning, they often develop emotional barriers. The combination of cognitive struggles and emotional barriers or the intersection of these makes them avoid relationships even more which decreases the likelihood of starting or maintaining relationships or of reconnecting after a break in the connection. Many fears, negative expectations, and much pain surround these areas. They key for these women to take stock of their barriers and make a plan to slowly start getting back on the road to relationships.

Now and Not Now The joke is that there are really only two time zones for a person with ADHD: “now” and “not now”! A person with ADHD is very present focused. Often, something that was going on ten minutes earlier is out of mind, as is the thing that is supposed to happen ten minutes in the future.

•I lost money in every way possible: I misplaced checks and sometimes found them when they were too old to take to the bank. If I did find them in time, I missed out on the interest they could’ve made in my savings account. I paid late fees on bills, even though I had money in the bank — I’d just forgotten to pay them or lost the bill in my piles. I bought new items because they were on sale with a rebate, but forgot to mail the rebate form. •I dealt with chronic health worries because I never scheduled doctor’s appointments. •I lived in constant fear of being “found out” by people who held me in high regard. I always felt others’ trust in me was misplaced. •I suffered from nonstop anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. •I struggled to create a social life in our new home. I either felt I didn’t have time because I needed to catch up and calm some of the chaos, or I wasn’t organized enough to make plans in the first place. •I felt insecure in all my relationships, both personal and professional. •I had nowhere to retreat. My life was such a mess, I had no space to gather my thoughts or be by myself. Chaos lurked everywhere. •I rarely communicated with long-distance friends or family. •I wanted to write a book and publish articles in magazines, yet dedicated almost no time to my creative pursuits.

How both of you think about ADHD is actually very important. Having a “disorder” can suggest an illness that is perceived as “bad” and permanent. Thinking of ADHD as a series of traits that can be both positive and negative, and that can be managed with the right strategies, is far more likely to encourage optimism, effort, and patience. It is the trap of the non-ADHD spouse to feel that he or she is “normal” and the ADHD spouse is “not normal.” This usually unspoken sense of superiority, or assumption that the non-ADHD partner’s way of doing things is more “reasonable” than the ADHD partner’s approach, dooms many relationships. Consider the words of this fiancée:

People with ADHD can put coping strategies in place that help them to plan more effectively, but both members of the couple need to be conscious that this requires significant effort and lots of organizational tools such as lists, charts, conversations, and the like. Don’t assume that just because you are both adults, you can also both plan well.

Not only have I had friends give up on me for being unreliable, I’ve also had relationships go south because I can’t keep track of how I’m being treated. Is this friend saying something unkind for the first time or the fiftieth? What was that last fight about, anyway? Forgetful people—particularly those of us with low self-esteem (see above)—can be easy to manipulate.

Women with AD/HD also sometimes have difficulty with their relationships when invited to parties or family gatherings. Quite often they feel bombarded by too much stimulation, especially women without hyperactivity, and therefore withdraw, sometimes offending people without intending to as we discussed in earlier Chapter 9. They feel overloaded and exhausted, and they can’t keep up. They might have difficulty carrying on a good conversation, trying to think of what to say in the middle of so much activity. Many women with AD/HD mysteriously retreat to another room, become quiet, upset or withdrawn, or just don’t show up for these kinds of events. All these responses may give the message to others that you don’t care about them. They don’t know that you’re having a hard time or why.

Research and clinical observation (not to mention people’s personal experiences) show that people with ADHD tend to have hypersensitivities in each of the five senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight (Bailey and Haupt 2010, 182). I have no doubt that the tale of the princess and the pea is the portrait of a young woman with ADHD! I’m constantly yanking my shirt tail and skirts down and my socks and leotards up because any bunched fabric drives me nuts. Many women with ADHD (including me) would like to burn their bras, and it’s not (necessarily) because we’re feminists: it’s because of tactile hypersensitivity

For those of you with ADHD, please hear what we are saying. Your tolerance for pain and failure—the ability to “go with the flow”—is most likely a coping strategy for dealing with the inconsistencies that your ADHD has created. It is time for a new coping strategy. The old one—creating a high pain threshold and going along—has not served you as well as you have convinced yourself. It is part of the reason that your relationship is in trouble. That pain threshold does not align with your partner’s needs. A better relationship strategy is to face the ADHD symptoms head on and treat them, using every resource science suggests will work.

I'm over it. All the little costs of having ADHD that add up in the long run. Lost customers. Overdue bills. Replacement phone chargers. Time spent looking for things. The way it makes me feel, like a child. As if everyone else is a real adult and I'm just pretending. The frustration that I can't do the simple, everyday things that most people can. Like laundry, and making phone calls, and remembering to take out something from the freezer for dinner. It's the missed deadlines for opportunities I could've had. The broken relationships. How people think I'm lazy and selfish. How they think I don't care. How I think I'm lazy and selfish, even though I know I care.

Painful Misinterpretations of ADHD Symptoms and Motives Good communication isn’t just a matter of saying the right words or starting your assumptions in the same places. Correct interpretation is critical, and in this realm couples dealing with ADHD may fail miserably for two basic reasons: An ADHD symptom is lurking that they don’t realize is influencing their interaction (and subsequent interpretation of the interaction). They “live in the world” so differently that they incorrectly assume they understand the motives that are influencing frustrating behaviors. One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn’t love his partner anymore because he isn’t paying attention to her.

If you had asked Dan during that period whether he still loved his wife, he would have looked at you in total confusion and said, “Of course!” Although his wife was at that very moment wallowing in despair over his treatment of her, he perceived things to be fine between them. This isn’t because he is dense; it’s just that after a lifetime of having people mad at or disappointed with him, Dan weathers periods of anger and criticism by mostly ignoring them. And, because people with ADHD don’t receive and process information in a hierarchical way, Maria’s suffering enters his mind at about the same level as everything else he perceives—the lights on the radio clock, the dog barking, the computer, the worrisome project he has at work. “But wait!” you say. “It doesn’t matter—she’s still alone!” You would be right. Regardless of whether Dan was intentionally ignoring his wife or just distracted, actions speak louder than words. She becomes lonely and unhappy, and her needs must be addressed. But recognizing and then identifying the correct underlying problem is critical to finding the right solution. In marriage, just like in middle school math, if you pick the wrong problem to solve, you generally don’t end up with a satisfactory result. Furthermore, the hurt caused by the incorrect interpretation that he no longer loves her elicits a series of bad feelings and behaviors that compound the problem. This is the critical dynamic of symptom–response–response at work.

To this woman, a “comfortable” life is one that includes a predictable routine and quiet, intimate, shared time with her husband. I suspect that this is at least in part because routine makes taking care of three boys much easier. Her husband’s energy level is disruptive and foreign. Yet this is inherently part of him; the energy, humor, and wit that have gotten him out of tough spots in the past are the key to his professional success and are likely a reason why his wife was initially attracted to him (before she needed the routine to help make her and the children’s lives easier). Neither spousal style is wrong in this situation; her routine helps her succeed as a mother, and his energy helps him succeed at work. It is the intersection of their styles at this particular time in their lives that creates the problems.

If you are married to a person who has (or might have) ADHD, you might feel ignored and lonely in your relationship. Your spouse never seems to follow up on what he agrees to do—so much so that you may feel as if you really have another child in your home instead of an adult. You feel you’re forced to remind him all the time to do things. You nag, and you’ve started to dislike the person you’ve become. The two of you either fight often or have virtually nothing to say to each other that either of you finds meaningful. You are frustrated that your spouse seems to be able to focus intently on things that interest him, but never on you. Perhaps worst of all, you feel intense stress from not knowing whether you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of the household, while your spouse gets to “have all the fun.

I am not suggesting here that a non-ADHD spouse should simply roll over and say, “She’s ignoring me because she’s eccentric [or because she has ADHD]. Oh well!” In fact, having an ADHD spouse take charge of creating a systematic approach to treatment is one of the most important elements of improving your marriage. The “symptom” is, after all, at the beginning of the symptom-response-response sequence, and not much changes until the symptoms are under control—and that task can be accomplished only by the ADHD spouse. But ADHD in relationships is like a dance. One partner leads and initiates the steps, but both must understand their role to successfully circle the floor. In an ADHD partnership, an ADHD partner can address her symptoms, but the couple will be unsuccessful if the non-ADHD partner’s response doesn’t change, too. The inverse, of course, is also true.

There is a growing movement of people who wish to exempt personality disordered individuals from any criticism, claiming that it stigmatizes mental illness. But we need to be clear about where the stigma comes from. People with untreated personality disorders are often criticized because they tend to cause a hugely disproportionate amount of damage in their interpersonal relationships. There’s a reason you don’t see communities devoted to healing from relationships with people who have ADHD or diabetes. Because the need isn’t there, because those people don’t cause a disproportionate amount of damage to their partners. No amount of cheerleader love or social justice protection will improve the disorder. In fact, it only serves as a distraction, and continues feeding the protective self with stories of persecution and victimhood, rather than getting started on the path of personal responsibility.

Though not true in all cases, people with ADHD often have trouble planning ahead. Planning means organizing a number of different options into a workable game plan and anticipating what will happen in various scenarios. Executive function differences in the ADHD brain often don’t accommodate these common skills. One upside of not being natural planners is that people with ADHD can be really good at going with the flow, making things work in real time. It’s not unusual for a person with ADHD to be attracted to a partner who is a good planner. In courtship, her ability to organize and plan helps to make things happen, and his easygoing nature provides liveliness and spontaneity. They both benefit and thrive. After kids, though, the ADHD partner’s inability to plan becomes a real negative as the organizational demands imposed by taking care of children require that both pitch in to keep life from becoming overwhelming.

In addition to work, ADHD can significantly impact family life and relationships. The effects of ADHD on relationships are not necessarily negative; in fact, they can bring out many positive attributes. Loved ones may feel energized around you and recognize that your sense of spontaneity and creative expression brings a lot of joy into their lives. On the flip side, friends and family may complain about imbalanced relationships, issues with intimacy, and/or fraught dynamics. If you get easily sidetracked, you may be late to dates with friends and family (or completely forget to meet). You may forget to respond to emails, calls, and test. Family and friends may take these behaviors personally. This can feel hurtful to you when you are trying your best with a brain that works differently than theirs. Of course, this does not have anything to do with how much you care for your loved ones, so communicating what you're going through and strengthening your organizational skills to respect important commitments can keep your treasured relationships humming along smoothly.

Key to the success of many with ADHD is finding the “right life” in which to live. This means a job in which their particular talents for nonlinear thinking and quick emergency response are prized, and a spouse who can appreciate, or at least learn to live with, an often uneven distribution of work within the relationship. Without these things, many with ADHD feel that they don’t really fit into the world, or that the face that they put forward in order to fit in is false. The other critical factor for the success of an ADHD spouse in a relationship is for both partners to continue to respect differences and act on that respect. Here’s what one woman with ADHD says about living a life in which others assume that “different” is not worthy of respect: I think [my husband] uses the ADD as an excuse to be bossy and stuff sometimes but I find it very upsetting and hard on my self esteem to have my disorder and learning disabilities used that way. We do have very different perspectives but reality is perspective. Just because I see things differently from someone else doesn’t make one wrong or right…how I experience life is colored by my perception, it is what it is. I hate how people try to invalidate my thoughts feelings and perceptions because they are different from theirs. Like telling me [since] they feel…different[ly] from me [that their feelings] should make me magically change! It doesn’t work that way. Even if my ADD makes me see or remember something “not right” it’s still MY reality. It is like those movies where the hero has something crazy going on where they experience reality differently from everyone else.

In his book-length review of the executive functions, Dr. Russell Barkley (2012) explored the reasons that these skills evolved in humans in the first place. He makes the compelling case that it was the selection pressures associated with humans living in larger groups of genetically unrelated individuals, which made it selectively advantageous to have good self-regulation skills. That is, these abilities became more important to survival as humans became more interdependent with and reliant on dealings with people who were not family. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and executive dysfunction continue to have effects on the myriad relationships and social interactions in daily life. These connections include romantic and committed relationships/marriage, relationships with parents, siblings, children, and other relatives, friendships, and interactions with employers, coworkers, and customers. The executive functions in relationships also figure in the capacity for empathy and tracking social debt, that is, the balance of favors you owe others and favors owed to you. The ability to effectively organize behavior across time in goal-directed activities gains you “social collateral.” That is, the more you deliver on promises and projects, the more that you will be sought out by others and maintain bonds with them. Some of the common manifestations of ADHD and executive dysfunction that may create problems in relationships include: • Distractibility during conversations • Forgetfulness about matters relevant to another person • Verbal impulsivity—talking over someone else • Verbal impulsivity—saying the “wrong thing” • Breaking promises (acts of commission, e.g., making an expensive purchase despite agreeing to stay within a household budget) • Poor follow-through on promises (acts of omission, e.g., forget to pick up dry cleaning) • Disregarding the effects of one’s behavior on others (e.g., building up excessive debt on a shared credit card account) • Poor frustration tolerance, anger (e.g., overreacting to children’s behavior) • Lying to cover up mistakes • Impulsive behaviors that reduce trust (e.g., romantic infidelity)

People with ADHD may have a quick temper (actually, Kelly says it is pretty common). “Their temper is activated quickly and easily. Their partner is often bewildered as the angry outburst comes from nowhere[70].

Depression shifts your mood downward with low energy and a lack of desire to talk to people (sometimes even leaving the house or getting out of bed is difficult as well).

The lack of attention to your friends may leave them a little insulted that your phone seems more interesting than what they have to say. This feeling can be a slippery slope if they don't understand how your brain works.

Women with ADHD can be sensitive to things around them, such as touching, which can feel annoying, lights that are too bright, or sounds that are too loud.

The Journal of Attention Disorders published a study that discovered those with ADHD had more real-world creative achievements than those without[85]

The lack of motivation may have you believe that you're a "bad" employee, which can't be further from the truth.

looked over at him and said, “Yeah. Sorry, buddy, but that’s not really how anxiety works.” I reminded him of his sister’s ADHD. “Everyone gets distracted sometimes, but for people with ADHD, it’s an all-the-time thing. They are almost always distracted. Being distracted, struggling to focus, it’s the default, and it doesn’t necessarily need a trigger.” He nodded, but continued looking out the window. “So?” he asked in a very typical “What does this have to do with me?” teenager way. “Anxiety is the same way,” I said. “Everyone has anxious moments, but at least for me, and probably you too, the anxiety is kind of always there, even when things are going well. Just last Christmas I had a horrible anxiety attack, so I get it. Most of the time, it just happens without a trigger at all. But the part that sucks the most is how you’ll think to yourself that something must be triggering it, so you start to associate the anxiety with irrational things, like organization, or not getting enough exercise or sleep, or the fear that something bad might happen even though it’s unlikely. For me, that’s when my anxiety turns into obsessive-compulsive disorder. But the anxiety is always there, regardless of good times or bad times.” I went on for a moment more. Eventually, I looked over at Tristan. He was still looking out the window, gripping his stress grip harder than before, and I wondered if I was doing more harm than good, but I also realized how much I wished I’d learned all of this at his age, rather than in my midthirties. It was quiet for a moment, and finally I said, “It’s not hopeless, buddy. I promise. Listen, I still hate it. But I know that it’s part of me, and there are things I have to do to manage it. But as long as I do them, I’m pretty okay. Most days I don’t even notice it.” He thought about what I said.

Regardless of your individual profile, one thing is true across the board: ADHD can be very frustrating. It damages careers, disrupts relationships, makes parenting harder, and can make people feel ashamed. The many challenges this condition presents can truly bring people to tears. The good news is that ADHD can be managed—and managed pretty darn well, at that.

Key to the success of many with ADHD is finding the “right life” in which to live. This means a job in which their particular talents for nonlinear thinking and quick emergency response are prized, and a spouse who can appreciate, or at least learn to live with, an often uneven distribution of work within the relationship. Without these things, many with ADHD feel that they don’t really fit into the world, or that the face that they put forward in order to fit in is false.

Adults with ADHD as a group have often experienced more than their fair share of disappointments and frustrations associated with the symptoms of ADHD, in many cases not realizing the impact of ADHD has had on them. When you reflect on a history of low grades, forgetting or not keeping promises made to others, repeated exhortations from others about your unfulfilled potential and the need to work harder, you may be left with a self-view that “I’m not good enough,” “I’m lazy,” or “I cannot expect much from myself and neither can anyone else.” The end result of these repeated frustrations can be the erosion of your sense of self, what is often called low self-esteem. These deep-seated, enduring self-views, or “core beliefs” about who you are can be thought of as a lens through which you see yourself, the world, and your place in the world. Adverse developmental experiences associated with ADHD may unfairly color your lens and result in a skewed pessimistic view of yourself, at least in some situations. When facing situations in the here-and-now that activate these negative beliefs, you experience strong emotions, negative thoughts, and a propensity to fall into self-defeating behaviors, most often resignation and escape. These core beliefs might only be activated in limited, specific situations for some people with ADHD; in other cases, these beliefs color one’s perception in most situations. It should be noted that many adults with ADHD, despite feeling flummoxed by their symptoms in many situations, possess a healthy self-view, though there may be many situations that briefly shake their confidence. These core beliefs or “schema” develop over the course of time from childhood through adulthood and reflect our efforts to figure out the “rules for life” (Beck, 1976; Young & Klosko, 1994). They can be thought of as mental categories that let us impose order on the world and make sense of it. Thus, as we grow up and face different situations, people, and challenges, we make sense of our situations and relationships and learn the rubrics for how the world works. The capacity to form schemas and to organize experience in this way is very adaptive. For the most part, these processes help us figure out, adapt to, and navigate through different situations encountered in life. In some cases, people develop beliefs and strategies that help them get through unusually difficult life circumstances, what are sometimes called survival strategies. These old strategies may be left behind as people settle into new, healthier settings and adopt and rely on “healthy rules.” In other cases, however, maladaptive beliefs persist, are not adjusted by later experiences (or difficult circumstances persist), and these schema interfere with efforts to thrive in adulthood. In our work with ADHD adults, particularly for those who were undiagnosed in childhood, we have heard accounts of negative labels or hurtful attributions affixed to past problems that become internalized, toughened, and have had a lasting impact. In many cases, however, many ADHD adults report that they arrived at negative conclusions about themselves based on their experiences (e.g., “None of my friends had to go to summer school.”). Negative schema may lay dormant, akin to a hibernating bear, but are easily reactivated in adulthood when facing similar gaffes or difficulties, including when there is even a hint of possible disappointment or failure. The function of these beliefs is self-protective—shock me once, shame on you; shock me twice, shame on me. However, these maladaptive beliefs insidiously trigger self-defeating behaviors that represent an attempt to cope with situations, but that end up worsening the problem and thereby strengthening the negative belief in a vicious, self-fulfilling cycle. Returning to the invisible fences metaphor, these beliefs keep you stuck in a yard that is too confining in order to avoid possible “shocks.

Relationship/interpersonal problems • Losing your temper often or being easily frustrated

Clinical psychologist | Clinical Psychology services calgary | McAtee Psychology Gavin is a registered psychologist with over ten years of experience providing professional therapy and assessment services to children and teenagers along with couples & families. Gavin will help you gain clarity and move consciously towards what's truly important and meaningful to you and your family. Gavin's mission is to help you gain the knowledge you need to set goals, find solutions, and move towards actions that help you achieve a rich, meaningful, and full life. Gavin' expertise includes the following: - Relationship Issues (Couples & Family Therapy) - Children and Adolescent Issues - Parent Consultation & Strategies - Mood Disorders (Stress, Depression, Anxiety) - Developmental Disorders (e.g., ADHD, ASD) Working Phone No: 403 926 3738

he was afraid to break off their relationship completely “because I don't know if there will ever be another girl who will care about me.” At first, I thought Eric was joking. He was a handsome, witty, charming young man with a winning smile and excellent manners and conversation skills. It was hard to imagine that he would not be very appealing to most people he met. Yet Eric quickly made it clear that regardless of what others might actually believe, he worried chronically and intensely that other people, male or female, did not really like him, “I always think that if they say they like me or seem friendly, they are just acting that way because they feel sorry for me and don't want to hurt my feelings.

I think we all want instant success and seek the quick solution for our problems, be they related to our health, a relationship, or our financial situation. But goals like optimal fitness or financial freedom aren't met overnight.

Many adults who have ADHD don’t know they have it. They have been simply surviving, thinking that what they are experiencing is normal or not problematic enough to address. They may have been silently struggling with school, work, and relationships for a majority of their lives.

Medications for ADHD like guanfacine and clonidine (FDA-approved medications

Omega-3 fatty acids are essential. Insufficient levels of two of the most important omega-3s—eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA)—have been linked to depression and bipolar disorder, suicidal behavior, inflammation, heart disease, ADD/ADHD, cognitive impairment and dementia, and obesity.[1] Ninety-five percent of Americans do not get enough dietary omega-3 fatty acids.[2] The human body doesn’t produce omega-3s on its own, so you have to get it from outside sources, such as fatty fish. If you aren’t getting enough of this essential nutrient from your diet, it’s bad news for your brain. That’s because omega-3s contribute to about 8 percent of your brain’s weight. At Amen Clinics, we tested omega-3 levels of 50 consecutive patients who were not taking fish oil supplements. A shocking 49 out of 50—that’s 98 percent!—had suboptimal levels. In a subsequent study, we analyzed the scans of 130 patients with their omega-3 levels. Patients with the lowest levels had lower blood flow in the areas of the brain associated with depression and dementia.

To put it simply, you and other adults with ADHD are blind to time

Because we expect adults to have this executive function, society reacts pretty negatively to extreme or exaggerated expressions of emotion. We accept the fact that babies scream at the slightest emotional pain because it’s a self-preservation mechanism. And we understand perfectly when 3-year-olds throw a temper tantrum when they don’t get the candy at the grocery store checkout counter. But we’re embarrassed and disapproving of an adult who bursts into tears or yells in anger in public over a minor frustration like having to stand in a long line at the supermarket.

you don’t deliberate over all the possible options available before making that snap decision.

making specific changes in your child’s bedroom can improve cleanliness, encourage good study habits, boost your relationship, spark creativity, help concentration, promote calmness, and improve mental health.

The best way to help a child with ADHD (or any child) is to maintain a loving relationship with them. No matter how you fix external issues (like a messy room), your success will be limited if you ignore the importance of your relationship

For we humans know that simply reacting is not what is best for us if we want to optimize our long-term welfare, quality of life, and even survival over our short-term actions and their immediate rewards.

We then start to adjust our next response based on the actual consequences of what we do. All animal species do this, because if they don’t, they won’t survive for very long as adults.

The barbs usually start flying at adults who seem ruled by whatever is going on around them, who need other adults to do their thinking for them, who don’t think ahead, and who have no patience

You’re more subject than other adults to frustration, boredom, and resentment.

you intentionally conjure up images of the destruction of the planet and use the anger these images stimulate to motivate you onward.

Embrace the unique strengths that ADHD brings into your life, and let them be the foundation upon which you build a balanced and fulfilling future.

People with ADHD tend to act much more impulsively, with behavior racing ahead of rational thought. Our executive supervisor takes longer to put on the brakes. We end up interrupting people without meaning to,

People with ADHD have impairment in this selective, sustained attention process. Our focus involuntarily shifts based on whatever most recently grabbed our interest. Like a pinball in an arcade machine, our concentration bounces quickly from blinking light to flashing sound without consciously meaning to switch gears. This makes tasks like studying, paperwork, or listening to others extraordinarily difficult. We end up taking in fragments rather than an integrated whole. From the outside, it appears like we are ignoring the person, subject, or task at hand. In reality, our attention gets derailed unintentionally. Common attention regulation challenges include: ● inability to pay close attention to details ● difficulty staying focused on one task ● appearing not to listen in conversations ● losing track of instructions easily ● failure to follow through on responsibilities ● impulse control difficulties

Rule 1: Stop the Action! Buy some time before you respond. Rule 2: See the Past … and Then the Future See what’s coming. Rule 3: Say the Past … and Then the Future Analyze before deciding; develop rules for the future. Rule 4: Externalize Key Information Rely on something besides your memory. Rule 5: Feel the Future Stay motivated. Rule 6: Break It Down … and Make It Matter Bring the future a lot closer. Rule 7: Make Problems External, Physical, and Manual Simplify problem solving. Rule 8: Have a Sense of Humor! Accept your imperfections and get on with your life.

When one member of a couple has ADHD, the balance of work in the household can end up askew, hurt feelings can result from apparent insensitivity or lack of interest in the other person, and intimacy can be threatened by poorly regulated emotion.

These cues can take many forms. Here are some examples keyed to particular problem situations: ✓ A sign you put on the margin of your computer monitor or on your desk within your visual field reminding you not to start surfing the web instead of doing your work. Or try a picture of your boss on which you have printed “Get to Work!” Or, do as Homer Simpson did in one memorable episode when he displayed a picture of his young daughter, Lisa, with the statement “Do it for her!” beneath it.

I skipped steps in relationships, like making sure you like the person before you start dating them.

Working memory is the ability to keep information at hand for problem solving or reasoning. Karen is a successful and generally well-liked teenager. She has many casual friends who say nice things about her. But Karen does not function well in group work at school and her casual friends do not include her in after-school activities. Her ability to contribute to a team or comprehend multicomponent assignments makes her the last pick for class teams. Karen notices the reluctance in her peers and responds in kind by not extending herself to develop deeper relationships.

You know it’s hard to maintain a sense of adult accomplishment and competence when those around you think they can’t count on you to get things done or even show up.

Self-control, or better yet, self-regulation, allows us to monitor our own actions, stop ourselves as needed, contemplate our possible actions, and then choose the wisest course of action to get the best possible outcome in the future.

Self-control is defined in psychology as any response, or chain of responses, that we direct at ourselves that leads us to change our own behavior instead of just acting on impulse so that we can change what will happen in the future. It is action directed at the self to change that likely future.

That’s what I mean by self-control: the ability to choose something other than your initial impulse so you can get something in the future that you want more or that is better for your long-term welfare and happiness.

Notice that the initial pause and even making a “do list” of issues are self-directed actions that lead to a change in what Len is likely to do next.

More and more as we mature, we find the big prize at the end of the long haul to be worth waiting and working for and so turn away from the small seductions and rewards of the moment to work for those much bigger rewards.

diminishes each partner’s ability to be empathetic. It impairs the ability to forgive.

repeated retreat causes a non-ADHD spouse to lose hope that she will ever get a break, while her increasingly desperate pursuit and agitation causes him greater and greater anxiety.

As adults, persons with ADHD will often exhibit a variety of characteristics such as the following: Anger management difficulties Avoidance of tasks that allow for little spontaneous movement Day dreaming Difficulty engaging in quiet, sedentary activities Feelings of restlessness Forgetfulness Frequent changes in employment Frequent interrupting or intruding on others Frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another Heightened distractibility Impaired concentration Relationship difficulties Speaking without thinking (Ramsay, 2015; Weyandt, 2007) These symptoms have the potential for significantly affecting a wide range of life activities, particularly employment opportunities. Yet medication, especially extended-release forms, coupled with psychotherapy, has proven to be beneficial for adolescents and adults with ADHD (National Institute of Mental Health, 2016).

Impulse Control Living with ADHD is somewhat like having a race-car brain that lacks good brakes. Impulse control is a huge issue; people with ADHD often have minds that go fast and have trouble stopping when they need to. Have you ever noticed how hard it is for the ADHD spouse to stop doing a project she likes (watching television or working on the computer, for example)? Or that she’ll blurt out an idea or thought before thinking it through? Ask a person with ADHD why he brings home a pound of chocolate but only half of what was on the grocery list, or why he just spent $100 on gifts when he knew you needed the money to pay the electric bill, and he might say, “I don’t know.” This would be an accurate description of the impulsivity of the moment. But now, in fact, you do know. People with untreated ADHD have really bad brakes.

It is difficult for someone who doesn’t have ADHD to understand this lack of impulse control. People without ADHD expect that adults have learned how to control their impulses in their own and others’ best interests, yet are faced over and over again with the fact that this is not the case for their spouses. ADHD partners can blurt out hurtful comments, ruin family finances, start affairs on a whim, or give in to road rage because their untreated brains don’t have brakes. All of it is emotionally painful for the non-ADHD spouse, and often for the ADHD spouse as well.

It is important that the ADHD spouse consider impulsiveness a symptom that needs treatment, not just part of a happy-go-lucky personality.

This “present-ness” shows up in a number of ways in marriage. Your ADHD wife, for example, may have trouble remembering what you talked about not too long ago.

Another explanation is that people with ADHD often have bad short-term memories, so they might not remember having had the argument earlier. Creating physical ways to remember, such as lists or taking notes, can help bring previous conversations back into the “now” when needed.