Accidental Insurance Quotes

From now on, I’m telling everyone I meet I’m in insurance. Or I’m a car dealer. Better yet—a Republican. That way, when they accuse me of doing the Devil’s work, at least there will be some validity to their claims.

From 2002 to 2008, the United States was fighting bloody wars in Afghanistan and Iraq; among active military personnel, there were an average 1,643 fatalities per year. But over the same stretch of time in the early 1980s, with the United States fighting no major wars, there were more than 2,100 military deaths per year. How can this possibly be? For one, the military used to be much larger: 2.1 million on active duty in 1988 versus 1.4 million in 2008. But even the rate of death in 2008 was lower than in certain peacetime years. Some of this improvement is likely due to better medical care. But a surprising fact is that the accidental death rate for soldiers in the early 1980s was higher than the death rate by hostile fire for every year the United States has been fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. It seems that practicing to fight a war can be just about as dangerous as really fighting one. And,

Some incidents of facial profiling have been more inconvenient than others. I’ll never forget walking through airport security when I was flying to give a speech to a Christian men’s group in Montana. The Department of Homeland Security screeners obviously didn’t recognize me as “Jase the Duckman” from Duck Dynasty, and I felt like I was one wrong answer away from being led to an interrogation room in a pair of handcuffs! Hunting season had recently ended, so my hair and beard were in full bloom! The security screeners saw a Bible in my bag, and I guess they figured I was a Christian nut because of my long hair and bushy beard. Somehow, I made it through the metal detector and an additional pat-down, and I guess they couldn’t find a justifiable reason to detain me. But as I was getting my belongings back together, I accidentally bumped into a woman. She screamed! It must have been an involuntary reflex. It was a natural response, because she thought I was going to attack her. Once she finally settled down, I made my way to the gate and sat down to compose myself. After a few minutes, a young boy walked up and asked me for my autograph. Finally, I thought to myself. Somebody recognizes me from Duck Dynasty. Not everyone here believes I’m the Unabomber! Man, I could have used the kid about twenty minutes earlier, when I was trying to get through security! I looked over at the boy’s mother, and she was smiling from ear to ear. I realized they were very big fans. I signed my name on a piece of paper and handed it to the kid. “Can I ask you a question?” he said. “Sure, buddy,” I said. “Ask me anything you want.” “How much does Geico pay y’all?” he asked. My jaw dropped as I looked at the kid. “Wait a minute, man,” I said. “I’m not a caveman!” “What do you mean?” the boy asked. “I’m Jase the Duckman,” I said. “You know--from Duck Dynasty? Quack, quack?” It didn’t take me long to realize the boy had no idea what I was talking about. In a matter of minutes, I went from being a potential terrorist to being a caveman selling insurance.

The 10 best things about the future is that... ... 1. tomorrow it's all in the past 2. we'll get to wear cool uniforms (if we're the bad guys) 3. we'll catch up on our laundry 4. if I accidentally swallow my iPhone I can shit it out with the corn niblets 5. I'll be able to 3D-print my next ex-girlfriend 6. the world will be decimated by nuclear apocalypse and my penis will glow in the dark 7. we'll drive flying cars (and Allstate still won't pay our insurance claims) 8. marijuana will be legal everywhere and tobacco and alcohol will be banned 9. immersive virtual reality technologies will replace bitches, whores and the dollar menu at McDonalds 10. if things don't go as planned, well we can always look forward to the future

Mrs. Nickell, you were trying, were you not, to reopen a closed file on your husband’s death because you knew that the insurance paid out more than four hundred percent for accidental over a natural cause of death?

Our employee insurance policies include a clause for accidental death.

By this point I’d been working at the animal hospital for three years. Three years on the job is when you really start to find your fucking groove. You know everyone’s crazymaking habits, you can rest relatively sure that your boss isn’t going to fire you over something dumb, bitches stop “accidentally” microwaving your frozen meals in the breakroom at lunch, and you’re finally comfortable enough to take a shit in the middle of the workday. So work was good. Real good. Like, push back from the table and unbutton your pants after a meal good. Plus we had just gotten health insurance.