Aaron Beck Quotes

Stop it, and give yourself a chance.

The manners that apply specifically during courtship come to be replaced over the course of marriage by a different set of manners, embodying the residual pettiness, complaining, and faultfinding of childhood.

Cognitive therapists, like Aaron Beck of the University of Pennsylvania, even consider depression to be primarily a disorder of thought, rather than emotion, in that sufferers tend to see the world in a distorted, negative way.

As applied to substance abuse, the cognitive approach helps individuals to come to grips with the problems leading to emotional distress and to gain a broader perspective on their reliance on drugs for pleasure and/or relief from discomfort.

This work led cognitive therapists such as Aaron Beck, David D. Burns, and Albert Ellis to build treatment around the idea that our thoughts shape our emotions, not the other way around. By

First, strive for a solid foundation of trust, loyalty, respect, and security. Your spouse is your closest relative and is entitled to depend on you as a committed ally, supporter, and champion.   Second, cultivate the tender, loving part of your relationship: sensitivity, consideration, understanding, and demonstrations of affection and caring. Regard each other as confidante, companion, and friend.   Third, strengthen the partnership. Develop a sense of cooperation, consideration, and compromise. Sharpen your communication skills so that you can more easily make decisions about practical issues, such as division of work, preparing and implementing a family budget, and planning leisure-time activities.

This work led cognitive therapists such as Aaron Beck, David D. Burns, and Albert Ellis to build treatment around the idea that our thoughts shape our emotions, not the other way around. By changing our thinking, we can alleviate depression or simply have greater control over our behavior.

Egocentricity is a problem, however, when it becomes exaggerated and is not balanced by such social traits as love, empathy, and altruism, the capacity for which is probably also represented in our genome. Interestingly, very few of us think to look for egocentricity in ourselves, although we are dazzled by it in others.

Burns collaborated with pioneering cognitive psychologist Aaron T. Beck, who believed that most depression or anxiety was simply a result of illogical and negative thinking. He

The cost of survival of the lineage may be a lifetime of discomfort.

If your spouse is collaborating with you, you both might want to start with making changes in communication (Chapters 14 and 15), reducing anger (Chapter 17), and introducing new methods of solving problems (Chapter 16). If you are able to cooperate to determine more precisely what your spouse legitimately wants or doesn’t want, likes or dislikes, you are in a better position to make those changes (Chapters 12 and 16).

When married people develop such an intense but inappropriate fixation to somebody other than their mate, they may be driven to jeopardize or even destroy a reasonable marital relationship. In the heat of passion, they seem incapable of attaching any real weight to the potentially disastrous consequences of their infatuation—the possible breakup of their marriage. They cannot “turn off” their infatuation even if they want to! Yet, when enough time has elapsed without their seeing “the other woman (or man),” they generally find that their infatuation dies down.

What has stripped their conversation of its richness and enjoyments? First, despite the apparent success of their numerous discussions, they may have arrived at the solutions to family problems at a great cost to the relationship. In many relationships, a whole sequence of little kinks gradually adds up to produce stress. These kinks may also be a sign of important differences between the partners in their outlook and values—differences that their surface agreements never resolve. Thus, the free flow of conversation is inhibited by the threat of intrusions of unresolved conflicts. Perfectly tuned conversations are interrupted by signals of possible discord that introduce static into the communications. Second, although the partners may get along when they are dealing with practical problems, their conversation may be devoid of references to the more pleasurable aspects of the relationship. The partners have not learned to demarcate problem-solving discussions from pleasant conversations. Thus when one partner starts a conversation with a loving comment, the other may decide that this is a good time to bring up some conflict. As a result, there is a dearth of conversation that revolves simply around expressions of caring, sharing, and loving.

Sometimes a spouse, in trying to relieve a partner’s distress, accomplishes just the opposite. Judy is an artist. One evening she was quite upset by her problems in getting ready for a show, and she started to tell her husband, Cliff, about them. She wanted his support, encouragement, and sympathy. But Cliff instead fired off a barrage of instructions: “One, you’ve got to get all the people together in the group. Two, you have to call anyone else who is involved. Three, you want to get your accountant in on it—check with the bank to see how much money you still have. Four, you could contact the PR people. Five, call the gallery and see about the time.” Judy felt rejected by Cliff and thought, “He doesn’t care about how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.” But in his eyes, Cliff thought that he was filling the bill. He had given her his best advice—he thought that he was being supportive. To Judy, however, Cliff was being controlling, not supportive. She was seeking sympathy and emotional rapport, while he was tuned in to problem solving. How can you find the appropriate channel? One point

There presently exist three recognized conceptualizations of the antisocial construct: antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013), dissocial personality disorder in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10; World Health Organization, 1992), and psychopathy as formalized by Hare with the Psychopathy Checklist—Revised (PCL-R; Hare, 2003). A conundrum for therapists is that these conceptualizations are overlapping but not identical, emphasizing different symptom clusters. The DSM-5 emphasizes the overt conduct of the patient through a criteria set that includes criminal behavior, lying, reckless and impulsive behavior, aggression, and irresponsibility in the areas of work and finances. In contrast, the criteria set for dissocial personality disorder is less focused on conduct and includes a mixture of cognitive signs (e.g., a tendency to blame others, an attitude of irresponsibility), affective signs (e.g., callousness, inability to feel guilt, low frustration tolerance), and interpersonal signs (e.g., tendency to form relationships but not maintain them). The signs and symptoms of psychopathy are more complex and are an almost equal blend of the conduct and interpersonal/affective aspects of functioning. The two higher-order factors of the PCL-R reflect this blend. Factor 1, Interpersonal/Affective, includes signs such as superficial charm, pathological lying, manipulation, grandiosity, lack of remorse and empathy, and shallow affect. Factor 2, Lifestyle/Antisocial, includes thrill seeking, impulsivity, irresponsibility, varied criminal activity, and disinhibited behavior (Hare & Neumann, 2008). Psychopathy can be regarded as the most severe of the three disorders. Patients with psychopathy would be expected to also meet criteria for ASPD or dissocial personality disorder, but not everyone diagnosed with ASPD or dissocial personality disorder will have psychopathy (Hare, 1996; Ogloff, 2006). As noted by Ogloff (2006), the distinctions among the three antisocial conceptualizations are such that findings based on one diagnostic group are not necessarily applicable to the others and produce different prevalence rates in justice-involved populations. Adding a further layer of complexity, therapists will encounter patients who possess a mixture of features from all three diagnostic systems rather than a prototypical presentation of any one disorder.

Dr. Aaron Beck in the 1960s. He realized that such children’s beliefs were the issue, rather than the actual events being discussed.

In evaluating your relationship, you will find it useful to keep in mind your goals in marriage and how you can best achieve them. As a guide, I have listed what I regard as the aims for an ideal marriage.

Cu toate că sistemul educativ s-a schimbat, structura de bază a multor drame sociale s-a menținut. Este posibil ca în unele dintre instituțiile educaționale moderne conflictele să aibă un caracter mai curând psihologic, mai puțin dramatic și mai civilizat, însă tema violenței concurențiale încă mai dăinuie. Noi, bărbații, depunem mai multe eforturi pentru a ne scoate la iveală latura masculină agresivă, pe când femeile se străduiesc să-și arate mai degrabă latura tandră a feminității. Într-o manieră inexplicabilă, credem că brutalitatea ne reafirmă, deși ea ne distruge de fapt. După cum am spus, noul fel de a înțelege masculinitatea nu dorește să-l suprime pe războinic, ci să învețe să se slujească de el. Furia este o emoție indispensabilă pentru propria afirmare atunci când se pune problema apărării drepturilor sau depășirii unor obstacole, însă poate deveni un cuțit cu două tăișuri dacă nu este bine canalizată. Atunci când furia este activată just, ea se preschimbă în asertivitate, adică în exprimarea adecvată a sentimentelor negative fără a încălca drepturile celorlalți: posibilitatea de a spune „nu”, de a-ți exprima dezaprobarea, de a oferi o părere contradictorie, de a-ți manifesta furia și așa mai departe. Dacă furia lucrează în folosul principiilor, atunci războinicul se umanizează. Modul de viață ostil, exigent și arogant pe care l-a instaurat societatea patriarhalistă clasică a neutralizat lupta firească pentru supraviețuire și a decretat abuzul de forță ca pe o valoare a bărbatului. Ura ne impune să îl percepem pe celălalt nu ca pe un interlocutor puternic, ci mai curând ca pe un receptacol al aversiunii noastre, adică inamic. După cum afirmă psihanalistul cognitivist Aaron Beck în cartea sa Prizonierii urii, „atunci când urâm, atât persoana care urăște, cât și cea urâtă rămân prizonierii acestei forme de gândire extrem de primitive”. Lăsând deoparte orice metafore și orice încercare de reevaluare a artei războiului, mulți dintre noi, bărbații, ne-am săturat să mai luptăm de dragul luptei, de parcă numai lupta ne-ar putea face să ne simțim bărbați adevărați. Majoritatea dintre noi ne-am lecuit de legenda bărbatului de neîmblânzit. A venit timpul să ne descotorosim de armura greoaie și stingheritoare și să-i permitem organismului să se odihnească după atâta testosteron. Abia atunci când reducem nivelul de agresiune pricepem că ne ia mai mult timp să ne facem dușmani decât prieteni. Cu toate că mulți dintre bărbații scandalagii își vor simți bărbăția lezată, nu avem încotro: ca să putem conviețui în pace trebuie să lăsăm garda jos și să ne detașăm de ură.

Although these domains appear to be remote from each other, the themes underlying anger and hatred in close relationships appear to be similar to those manifested by antagonistic groups and nations. The overreactions of friends, associates, and marital partners to presumed wrongs and offenses are paralleled by the hostile responses of people in confrontation with members of different religious, ethnic, or racial groups.

In more than thirty years of research, Aaron Beck and his colleagues have established that experiences of hopelessness are strongly and specifically related to suicidality.

The intercommunication system also includes the expectations and demands that people place on themselves and others—something that has been labeled “the tyranny of the shoulds.” 2 It is important to recognize these injunctions and prohibitions because rigid expectations or compulsive attempts to regulate the behavior of others are bound to lead to disappointment and frustration.

What else can cause or activate a depression? Many tomes have been written on this subject, and I shall only mention the two theories backed, in my judgment, by the most scientific evidence. The first is Aaron Beck’s cognitive theory of depression, which forms the basis for the most commonly used psychotherapy for this illness, cognitive-behavioral therapy. Beck is a psychiatrist who argues that some people have dysfunctional attitudes that make them vulnerable to becoming depressed in the face of a negative event. These maladaptive attitudes often involve the notion that our happiness and self-worth depend on our being perfect or hinge on other people’s approval. For example, we might think, “My teacher’s critical comment means that I’m a total failure” or “If my girlfriend doesn’t love me, then I am nothing.” If we share these beliefs, then when something truly bad happens, we tend to have automatic negative thoughts about (1) ourselves (e.g., “I’m not lovable”), (2) our present experiences (e.g., “My boss always prefers my coworkers”), and (3) our futures (e.g., “I’ll never outgrow my shyness”). Beck calls these types of thought a negative cognitive triad.

to be of greater use, the rules need to be remolded so that they are more precise and accurate, less egocentric, and more elastic . When rules are discovered to be false, self-defeating, or unworkable, they have to be dropped from the repertoire.

however, the reflexive image of the Enemy creates destructive hatred between individuals and between groups. Although these individuals or groups may feel liberated from restraints against attacking the supposed adversary, such people have actually surrendered their freedom of choice, abdicated their rationality, and are now the prisoners of a primal thinking mechanism.

Aaron Beck, founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, maintains that people find it easy to notice what their partners do wrong, but not what they do right, so he suggests keeping “marriage diaries” to track partners’ considerate behavior; one study showed that 70 percent of couples who did this tracking reported an improved relationship.

Internalized shame causes you to focus on a particular group of automatic thoughts to the exclusion of all contrary thoughts. This preoccupation creates a kind of tunnel vision in which you think only one kind of thought and notice only one aspect of your environment. Aaron Beck uses the phrase “selective abstraction” to describe this tunnel vision. Selective abstraction means that we look at one set of cues in our environment to the exclusion of all others. Tunnel vision is the product of toxic shame.

When people identify their own individualistic and sociophilic strivings with the goals of the group, they are subject not only to the benefits of group identification but also to its dark side: xenophobia, chauvinism, prejudice, and intolerance. They also exhibit the same thinking toward other groups that they show toward individuals within their group who have offended them. This involves such errors as overgeneralization and dichotomous thinking, as well as the fixation on “single-cause” explanations—seeing the outgroup as the sole cause of their distress, otherwise known as scape-goating.

The stronger person is not the one making the most noise but the one who can quietly direct the conversation toward defining and solving problems.