Woody Allen Quotes

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.