Woody Allen Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to Woody Allen. Here they are! All 200 of them:

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I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Woody Allen
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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
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Woody Allen
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
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Woody Allen
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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
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Woody Allen
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To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
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Woody Allen
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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Woody Allen
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Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
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Woody Allen
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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
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Woody Allen
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Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
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Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Woody Allen
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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
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Woody Allen
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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
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Woody Allen
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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
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Woody Allen
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
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Woody Allen
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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
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Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
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Woody Allen (The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader)
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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Woody Allen
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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
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Woody Allen
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If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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Woody Allen
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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
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Woody Allen
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
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Woody Allen
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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Woody Allen
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Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
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Woody Allen
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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
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Woody Allen (Hannah and Her Sisters)
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
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Woody Allen
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There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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Woody Allen
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In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
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Woody Allen
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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
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Woody Allen
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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Woody Allen
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
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Woody Allen
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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
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Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris: The Shooting Script)
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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
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Woody Allen
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Photons have mass? I didnโ€™t even know they were Catholic.
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Woody Allen
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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Woody Allen
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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
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Woody Allen
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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
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Woody Allen
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
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Woody Allen
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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
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Woody Allen
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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Woody Allen
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I can levitate birds. No one cares.
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Woody Allen
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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Woody Allen
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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
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Woody Allen
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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
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Woody Allen
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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
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Woody Allen
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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
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Woody Allen
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Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
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Woody Allen
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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.
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Woody Allen (Standup Comic)
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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Woody Allen
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The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
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Woody Allen
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You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
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Woody Allen
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The heart wants what it wants.
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Woody Allen
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Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.
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Woody Allen
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There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
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Woody Allen
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
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Woody Allen
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Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
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Woody Allen
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Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
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Woody Allen
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It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
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Woody Allen
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
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Woody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
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Woody Allen
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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
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Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
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Woody Allen
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Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
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Norm Macdonald (Based on a True Story)
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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Woody Allen
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We should all be concerned about [the future] because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there!
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Charles F. Kettering
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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
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Woody Allen
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he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something
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Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.
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Woody Allen (Manhattan)
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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
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Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
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Woody Allen
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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.
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Woody Allen
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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
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The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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Woody Allen
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Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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Woody Allen
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When Maimonides says that the Messiah will come but that 'he may tarry,' we see the origin of every Jewish shrug from Spinoza to Woody Allen.
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Christopher Hitchens (Letters to a Young Contrarian)
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I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
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Woody Allen
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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brotherโ€™s crazy. He thinks heโ€™s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why donโ€™t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess thatโ€™s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know theyโ€™re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
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Woody Allen
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
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Woody Allen
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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Woody Allen
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The wicked at heart probably know something.
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Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
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I am at two with nature.
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Woody Allen
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I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
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Woody Allen
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And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
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Woody Allen
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Iโ€™m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. Iโ€™ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.
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Woody Allen
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Living is messy.
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Woody Allen
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We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...
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Woody Allen (Crimini e misfatti)
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I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.
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Woody Allen
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My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
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Woody Allen
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Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
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Woody Allen
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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Woody Allen
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Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
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Woody Allen
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You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.
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Woody Allen
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.
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Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
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Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
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Woody Allen
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We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more
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Woody Allen
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf wonโ€™t get much sleep.
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Woody Allen
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This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
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Woody Allen
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You know what my philosophy of life is? That itโ€™s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
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Woody Allen
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Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
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Woody Allen
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
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Woody Allen
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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Woody Allen
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The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.
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Woody Allen (Hannah and Her Sisters)
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Woody Allen
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It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
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Woody Allen
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I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want
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Woody Allen
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Donโ€™t act like this isnโ€™t all part of your extra-long game of abusing your position to murder Woody Allen and make it look like an accident,โ€ Alex says. โ€œHeโ€™s just so frail, itโ€™d only take one good push-
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Casey McQuiston (Red, White & Royal Blue)
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In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
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Woody Allen
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I read in self-defense.
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Woody Allen
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You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
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Woody Allen
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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Woody Allen
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Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
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Woody Allen
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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Woody Allen
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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Woody Allen
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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
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Woody Allen
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Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one
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Woody Allen
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Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.
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Woody Allen (Unknown Book 7074565)
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I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
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Woody Allen
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It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
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Woody Allen
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Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road
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Woody Allen (Mere Anarchy)
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I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
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Woody Allen
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Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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Woody Allen
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Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.
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Woody Allen
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Chapter 1. He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion...no, make that: he - he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin.' Uh, no let me start this over. 'Chapter 1. He was too romantic about Manhattan, as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle bustle of the crowds and the traffic. To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles...'. Ah, corny, too corny for my taste. Can we ... can we try and make it more profound? 'Chapter 1. He adored New York City. For him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that caused so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in...' No, that's going to be too preachy. I mean, you know, let's face it, I want to sell some books here. 'Chapter 1. He adored New York City, although to him it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage...' Too angry, I don't want to be angry. 'Chapter 1. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat.' I love this. 'New York was his town, and it always would be.
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Woody Allen (Manhattan)
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All men fear death. Itโ€™s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we havenโ€™t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great womanโ€™s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal. I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.
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Woody Allen
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I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
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Woody Allen (Love and Death)
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I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
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Woody Allen
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What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after--who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.
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Woody Allen (Hannah and Her Sisters)
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How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.
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Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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Woody Allen
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Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.
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Woody Allen
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I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
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Woody Allen
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Woody Allen
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The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'.
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Woody Allen
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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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Woody Allen
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Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.
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Woody Allen
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I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.
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Woody Allen (Manhattan)
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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Woody Allen
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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.
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Woody Allen
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
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Woody Allen (Woody Allen on Woody Allen)
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Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
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Woody Allen
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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
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Woody Allen (Getting Even)
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All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
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Woody Allen
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You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.
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Woody Allen
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You can't ride two horses with one behind.
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Woody Allen
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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
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Woody Allen
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Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?
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Woody Allen (The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose)
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[...] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.
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Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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Woody Allen
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I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
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Woody Allen
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Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.
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Woody Allen
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While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.
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Woody Allen
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Grace abounds in contemporary movies, books, novels, films and music. If God is not in the whirlwind, He may be in a Woody Allen film, or a Bruce Springsteen concert. Most people understand imagery and symbol better than doctrine and dogma. Images touch hearts and awaken imaginations. One theologian suggested that Springsteen's 'Tunnel of Love' album, in which he symbolically sings of sin, death, despair and redemption, is more important for Catholics than the Pope's last visit when he spoke of morality only in doctrinal propositions.
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Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out)
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You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.
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Woody Allen (Manhattan)
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Hay relaciones en las que las palabras dice amistad, pero los ojos gritan romance.
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Woody Allen
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I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
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Woody Allen
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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Woody Allen
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Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do โ€ฆ I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hellโ€™s he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived weโ€™re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means Iโ€™ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. Itโ€™s not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.
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Woody Allen
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I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.
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Woody Allen
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I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
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Woody Allen
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I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
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Woody Allen (Manhattan)
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The most expensive sex is free sex
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Woody Allen
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
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Woody Allen
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In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, โ€œLet there be light.โ€ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better.
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Woody Allen
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You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.
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Woody Allen
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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
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Woody Allen
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You're still in love' 'No I'm not, I'm notย She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.' 'What element?' 'We never found out
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Woody Allen
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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
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Woody Allen
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Eres un pesimista, ves siempre el vaso medio vacio! -No, lo veo medio lleno pero de veneno.
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Woody Allen
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Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
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Woody Allen
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I just met a wonderful new man, he is fictional but you can't have everything
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Woody Allen
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I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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Woody Allen
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It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as oneโ€™s hat keeps blowing off.
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Woody Allen
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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Woody Allen (Side Effects)
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No, no, because she's a mental adolescent, and being romantic, she has a death wish. So, for a brief moment of passion,she completely abandons all responsibilities.
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Woody Allen
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The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
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Woody Allen
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Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway.
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Judith Viorst
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Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see againโ€ฆ I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene Oโ€™Neill were laughing.
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Woody Allen
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In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote, 'My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.
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Woody Allen
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It was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. The guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." and the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" and the guy says, "I would, but o need the eggs."ย  Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, err, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.
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Woody Allen (Annie Hall: Screenplay)
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What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything. And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't wanna live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3's, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, "the horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh... then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go "Oh my God, the horror," and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It's overwhelming!
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Woody Allen
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Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into Portnoy's Complaint, or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, Remedial Spanish, and was running for his life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word tener ("to have") - a large and hairy irregular verb - raced after him on its spindly legs.
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Woody Allen (Side Effects)
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End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it. Penรฉlope and Javier anxious to work with me again. Said if I ever come up with another screenplay to try and find them. Goodbye drink with Rebecca. Sentimental moment. Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen.
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Woody Allen
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It was one of those great spring days, it was Sunday, and you knew summer would be coming soon. And I remember that morning Dorrie and I had gone for a walk in the park and come back to the apartment. We were just sort of sitting around and I put on a record of Louie Armstrong, which was music I grew up with, and it was very, very pretty, and I happened to glance over and I saw Dorrie sitting there. And I remember thinking to myself how terrific she was and how much I loved her. And I don't know, I guess it was a combination of everything, the sound of the music, and the breeze, and how beautiful Dorrie looked to me and for one brief moment everything just seemed to come together perfectly and I felt happy, almost indestructible in a way.
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Woody Allen (Stardust memories)
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I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' And he said, 'We have to work this through.' So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...
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Woody Allen
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Itโ€™s just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we donโ€™t have to really face up to the fact that, you know, weโ€™re just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether itโ€™s Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. Thereโ€™ll be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself.
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Woody Allen
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ุฃุฑูŠุฏ ุฃู† ุฃุนูŠุด ููŠ ุญูŠุงุชูŠ ุงู„ู…ู‚ุจู„ุฉ "ุฑุฌูˆุนุงู‹ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฎู„ู" . ุญูŠุซ ุชุจุฏุฃ ู…ูŠุชุงู‹ ุŒ ูุชุฒูŠุญ ุงู„ู…ูˆุช ู…ู† ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ ุŒ ุซู… ุชุณุชูŠู‚ุธ ููŠ ุฏุงุฑ ู„ู„ู…ุณู†ูŠู† ูˆุชุดุนุฑ ุฃู†ูƒ ุชุตุจุญ ุฃูุถู„ ูƒู„ ูŠูˆู…. ุซู… ูŠุทุฑุฏูˆู†ูƒ ู…ู† ุฏุงุฑ ุงู„ู…ุณู†ูŠู† ู„ูƒูˆู†ูƒ ู‚ุฏ ุฃุตุจุญุช ููŠ ุตุญุฉ ุชุงู…ุฉ ุŒ ูุชุฐู‡ุจ ู„ุฌู…ุน ุฑุงุชุจูƒ ุงู„ุชู‚ุงุนุฏูŠ ุŒูˆู…ู† ุซู… ุนู†ุฏ ุจุฏุก ุงู„ุนู…ู„ ุŒ ูŠู‡ุฏูˆู†ูƒ ุณุงุนุฉ ุฐู‡ุจูŠุฉ ูˆูŠู‚ูŠู…ูˆู† ู„ูƒ ุญูู„ุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ูŠูˆู… ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ . ุชุณุชู…ุฑ ููŠ ุงู„ุนู…ู„ ู„ู…ุฏุฉ ุฃุฑุจุนูŠู† ุนุงู…ุง ุญุชู‰ ุชุตุจุญ ุดุงุจุง ุจู…ุง ูŠูƒููŠ ู„ุชุชู…ุชุน ุจุชู‚ุงุนุฏูƒ . ุชุฐู‡ุจ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญูู„ุงุช ุŒ ูˆุชุดุฑุจ ุงู„ุฎู…ุฑ ุŒ ูˆุชุตูŠุฑ - ุนู„ู‰ ูˆุฌู‡ ุงู„ุนู…ูˆู… - ู…ู†ุญู„ุงู‹ ุŒ ุซู… ุชุตูŠุฑ ุนู„ู‰ ุงุณุชุนุฏุงุฏ ู„ู„ุฅู„ุชุญุงู‚ ุจุงู„ู…ุฏุงุฑุณ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูˆูŠุฉ. ุซู… ุชู†ุชู‚ู„ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุณุฉ ุงู„ุงุจุชุฏุงุฆูŠุฉ ุŒุซู… ุชุตุจุญ ุทูู„ุง ุŒ ุชู„ุนุจ. ุงู„ุขู† ู„ุง ูŠูˆุฌุฏ ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ู…ุณุคูˆู„ูŠุงุช ุŒ ูˆุชุตุจุญ ุทูู„ุง ุฑุถูŠุนุงู‹ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฃู† ุชุฃุชูŠ ู„ุญุธุฉ ูˆู„ุงุฏุชูƒ ุŒ ูˆุจุนุฏ ุฐู„ูƒ ุชู‚ุถูŠ ุขุฎุฑ ุชุณุนุฉ ุฃุดู‡ุฑ ู…ู† ุญูŠุงุชูƒ ุนุงุฆู…ุงู‹ ููŠ ุธุฑูˆู ุดุจูŠู‡ุฉ ุจุงู„ู…ู†ุชุฌุนุงุช ุงู„ูุงุฎุฑุฉ ุŒ ู…ุณุชููŠุฏุงู‹ ู…ู† ุงู„ุชุฏูุฆุฉ ุงู„ู…ุฑูƒุฒูŠุฉ ูˆุฎุฏู…ุฉ ุงู„ุบุฑู ุŒูˆูŠู‚ู„ ุญุฌู…ูƒ ุฃุฑุจุงุนุงู‹ ูƒู„ ูŠูˆู… ูˆู…ู† ุซู… ............ ููˆุงู„ุงุงุงุงุงุงุงุง ุชู†ุชู‡ูŠ ุญูŠุงุชูƒ ูƒู‡ุฒุฉ ุฌู…ุงุน
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Woody Allen