Wc Fields Quotes

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

As W.C. Fields once said: a thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Never give a sucker an even break.

The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again.

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?

Always smile first thing in the morning. Might as well get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields

He had a W.C. Fields twang and a nose like a prize strawberry.

You both love Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, Hawthorne and Melville, Flaubert and Stendahl, but at that stage of your life you cannot stomach Henry James, while Gwyn argues that he is the giant of giants, the colossus who makes all other novelists look like pygmies. You are in complete harmony about the greatness of Kafka and Beckett, but when you tell her that Celine belongs in their company, she laughs at you and calls him a fascist maniac. Wallace Stevens yes, but next in line for you is William Carlos Williams, not T.S. Eliot, whose work Gwyn can recite from memory. You defend Keaton, she defends Chaplin, and while you both howl at the sight of the Marx Brothers, your much-adored W.C. Fields cannot coax a single smile from her. Truffaut at his best touches you both, but Gwyn finds Godard pretentious and you don't, and while she lauds Bergman and Antonioni as twin masters of the universe, you reluctantly tell her that you are bored by their films. No conflicts about classical music, with J.S. Bach at the top of the list, but you are becoming increasingly interested in jazz, while Gwyn still clings to the frenzy of rock and roll, which has stopped saying much of anything to you. She likes to dance, and you don't. She laughs more than you do and smokes less. She is a freer, happier person than you are, and whenever you are with her, the world seems brighter and more welcoming, a place where your sullen, introverted self can almost begin to feel at home.

Women are crazy about pets. They're just crazy. Pets have nothing to do with it.

It ain't what they call you; it's what you answer to.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Waitress: Don't be so free with your hands. Fields: Listen honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

i like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which i also keep handy.

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, the bastard drove me to drink and I forgot to thank him.

as credited to quoted by W, C. Fields I spent half my money on Gambling Alcohol and Wild Women, the other half I wasted

What Mr. Rothschild had discovered was the basic principle of power, influence, and control over people as applied to economics. That principle is "when you assume the appearance of power, people soon give it to you." Mr. Rothschild had discovered that currency or deposit loan accounts had the required appearance of power that could be used to INDUCE PEOPLE [WC emphasis] (inductance, with people corresponding to a magnetic field) into surrendering their real wealth in exchange for a promise of greater wealth (instead of real compensation). They would put up real collateral in exchange for a loan of promissory notes. Mr. Rothschild found that he could issue more notes than he had backing for, so long as he had someone's stock of gold as a persuader to show to his customers. Mr. Rothschild loaned his promissory notes to individuals and to governments. These would create overconfidence. Then he would make money scarce, tighten control of the system, and collect the collateral through the obligation of contracts. The cycle was then repeated. These pressures could be used to ignite a war. Then he would control the availability of currency to determine who would win the war. That government which agreed to give him control of its economic system got his support.

If you work and do pure research in this industry as long as I have – and you actually pay attention and do your homework, then this naked and raw truth stands out -> The supplement world of cancer-fighters, CAD-preventers, health-promoters, magic-water – AND/OR - muscle-builders, fat-burners and weight-loss agents – all of them – already have an over-crowded mass grave-yard of previous magic bullets that would supposedly make your life and/or body better – Yes, so promising and heavily promoted “this” era – but so dead and gone the next – leaving in their wake a trail of mass-consumer confusion – but also leaving their actual intention -> a new generation of passive consumers – those who can’t differentiate the sizzle from the steak. Or as W.C. Fields put it so long ago – “There’s a sucker born every minute.” -> There isn’t a supplement on the planet that marks the difference between ‘health or ill-health’ – or between ‘fit or fat.’ - or between ‘results and stagnation.

Come my flocks, my flower. I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas I'd like to discuss with thee.

When I tell you to go out and tell one of these palookas that I'm out, go out and tell 'em I'm out. Don't have these buzzards walk in on me. When I don't wanna see 'em I don't...don't look at me that way.

Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?

Why that's a colossal fib. I'm a very kind person. I've never hurt man, beast or child. Except when I had to. I belong to the Bare-Hand-Wolf-Choker Association.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Fields: " I'm tendin' bar one time down the lower east-side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her: 'none of your peccadilloes in here'. There was some hot lunch on the bar comprising succotach, philadelphia cream cheese and asparagus with mayonaisse. She dips her mitt down into this melange - I'm yawning at the time - and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over the bar and knocks her down...You were there the night I knocked Chicago Molly down weren't you?" Bartender: " You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down". Fields: "Oh yeah ,yes. That's right. He knocked her down. But I was the one start kicking her! So I starts kicking her in the midriff. D'you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?" Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident". Fields: "Well I almost broke my great toe. Never had such a painful experience". Customer: "Did she ever come back?" Bartender:"I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up". Fields: "Yeah but she had another woman with her. Elderly lady with grey hair.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit

as credited to quoted by W, C. Fields I spent half my money on Gambling Alcohol and Wild Women, the other half I wasted . . . I'm at least a 51% er

Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. The cool kids of the 1960s invited the old man who had been cool before they knew cool was cool to join them in a musical romp that nobody took particularly seriously. Crosby enjoys himself. He has nothing at stake, since he’s not the star who has to carry the film. He’s very casual, and appears to be ad-libbing all his lines in the old Road tradition with a touch of W. C. Fields’s colorful vocabulary thrown in: “You gentlemen find my raiment repulsive?” he asks Sinatra and Martin when they object to his character’s lack of chic flash in clothing. Crosby plays a clever con man who disguises himself as square, and his outfits reflect a conservative vibe in the eyes of the cats who are looking him over. The inquiry leads into a number, “Style,” in which Sinatra and Martin put Crosby behind closet doors for a series of humorous outfit changes, to try to spruce him up. Crosby comes out in a plaid suit with knickers and then in yellow pants and an orange-striped shirt. Martin and Sinatra keep on singing—and hoping—while Crosby models a fez. He finally emerges with a straw hat, a cane, and a boutonniere in his tuxedo lapel, looking like a dude. In his own low-key way, taking his spot in the center, right between the other two, Crosby joins in the song and begins to take musical charge. Sinatra is clearly digging Crosby, the older man he always wanted to emulate.*17 Both Sinatra and Martin are perfectly willing to let Crosby be the focus. He’s earned it. He’s the original that the other two wanted to become. He was there when Sinatra and Martin were still kids. He’s Bing Crosby! The three men begin to do a kind of old man’s strut, singing and dancing perfectly together (“…his hat got a little more shiny…”). The audience is looking at the three dominant male singers of the era from 1940 to 1977. They’re having fun, showing everyone exactly not only what makes a pro, not only what makes a star, but what makes a legend. Three great talents, singing and dancing about style, which they’ve all clearly got plenty of: Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, and Dean Martin in Robin and the 7 Hoods

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, the bastard drove me to drink and I forgot to thank him