Unavailable Partner Quotes

List 2: Write down everything in your life that you don’t want, like more panic attacks, depression, or partners who are emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’d like to stop smoking, or overeating, or drinking. Be specific and personal. This is about you. This will be your “before” picture.

Love addicts often pick partners who are emotionally unavailable because deep down, they don’t feel worthy of having a healthy, loving relationship. A love addict craves and obsesses about becoming enmeshed or ‘one’ with another human being at all costs, even if it means putting themselves in potential danger.

And remember: if your boundaries are being crossed by your partner, it is not first and foremost your partner's fault, although they do carry responsibility for their own behavior and lack of awareness. However, it is your responsibility to ensure that your own boundaries are healthy.

Hardening the heart against vulnerability, trust and a new partner will either forever keep us from a truly emotionally satisfying, enriching, and growth-producing partnership, or will throw us unwittingly back into precisely the same type of painful thing again, because we have not examined what happened, except under the out-of-focus microscope of blame.

Empaths may unknowingly get involved with toxic partners and become anxious, depressed, or ill. They give their hearts too easily to narcissists and other unavailable people. Empaths are loving and expect others to be that way, which doesn’t always happen. They also absorb their partner’s stress and emotions, such as anger or depression, simply by interacting with them,

Mr Unavailable’s inadvertently complicit partner is you, the Fallback Girl, the woman he habitually defaults to or ‘falls back’ on to have his needs met while selling you short in the process. Accommodating his idiosyncrasies and fickle whims, you’re ripe for a relationship with him because you are unavailable yourself (although you may not know it) and are slipping your own commitment issues in through the back door behind his. You get blinded by chemistry, sex, common interests and the promise of what he could be, if only he changed or you turned into The Perfect Woman. Too understanding and making far too many excuses for him, you have some habits and beliefs that are standing in the way of you having a mutually, fulfilling healthy relationship…with an available man. Pursuing or having relationships with Mr Unavailable is symbolic of your need to learn to love yourself more and to set some boundaries and have better standards.

A healthy connection is when partners are mutually committed to the relationship and both want to open their hearts to each other. In contrast, attachment is when we cling to someone with a death grip, hoping that person will change. Attachments are dangerous because they can keep us linked to unavailable people or toxic relationships. If you are looking for intimacy, search out people who are excited to be with you.

The conditions that breed a disorganized attachment adaptation are not specific to CNM by any means, but I have seen a variation that is unique to CNM. There can be something very disorienting that happens for some new CNM couples who were first monogamous together and were accustomed to being each other’s main source of comfort, support and relief from distress. As the relationship opens, a partner’s actions with other people (even ethical ones that were agreed upon) can become a source of distress and pose an emotional threat. Everything that this person is doing with other people can become a source of intense fear and insecurity for their pre-existing partner, catapulting them into the paradoxical disorganized dilemma of wanting comfort and safety from the very same person who is triggering their threat response. Again, the partner may be doing exactly what the couple consented to and acting within their negotiated agreements, but for the pre-existing partner, their primary attachment figure being away, unavailable and potentially sharing levels of intimacy with another person registers as a debilitating threat in the nervous system. As someone in this situation simultaneously wants to move towards and away from one’s partner, the very foundation of their relationship and attachment system can begin to shudder, and people can begin acting out in ways that are destructive to each other and the relationship. When this happens, I recommend working with a professional to re-establish inner and outer safety.

-§ But just because we grew up in that kind of a culture does not mean we need to keep creating it in our present relationship. I recommend we ask different questions, like, “How could I make your life more wonderful?” and “Would you like to know how you could make my life more wonderful?” and “What are your needs right now?” and “Would you like to know what I need right now?” Now if none of this appeals to you because you prefer a relation-dinghy to a relationship, here are some suggestion to help you prevent your relation-dinghy from growing into a relationship: 1. Keep your attention focused at all times on who is right or wrong in a discussion, fair or unfair in a negotiation, selfish or unselfish in giving (it helps to keep a list of who has done what for whom), kind or cruel in their tone of voice, rude or polite in their mannerisms, sloppy or neat in their dress, and so on. Be careful not to realize that your attempt to be right is really an attempt to protect yourself from thinking you are wrong and then feeling shame. 2. If you need some support for this I recommend certain selfhelp groups who can give you the latest scoops on the most powerful, politically correct labels with which to overpower and confuse your partner. Members of these groups will collude with you in validating that your partner really is a man or woman who is commitment-phobic, emotionally unavailable, counterdependant, needy, spiritually unevolved, dysfunctional, immature, judgmental, sinful, bi-polar, OCD, clinically depressed, or adult-onset ADD. It is important to keep your consciousness filled with such terminology to prevent any fondness from developing. This also helps in keeping you caught in the “paralysis of analysis” and clueless about what you or your partner are needing from each other. 3. Adopt this test for love: If your partner really loves you, he or she will always know what you want even before you know—and then give it to you without your having to go through the humiliation of actually asking for it. And your partner will do this regardless of the sacrifice it requires. If your partner does not give you what you want, choose to believe it means he or she does not love you. 4. Ask for what you do not want instead of what you do want. I heard of a man who asked his wife to stop spending so much money shopping. She took up gambling on the internet. 5. In case your relationdinghy starts to grow, here are a few torpedoes guaranteed to sink it again: “It hurts me when you say that.” “I feel sad because you…fill in the blank (won’t say ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m sorry,’ or won’t have sex, or won’t marry me, etc.)” If you really want to choke the life out of any relationship meditate on “I need you.” Then you will know how I felt for about thirtyfive years of my life. I felt like a drowning swimmer and I would grab hold of anyone who came near me and try to use them as a life raft. Now I want relationships to be flowers for my table instead of air for my lungs. When I Come Gently To You by Ruth Bebermeyer When I come gently to you I want you to see It’s not to get myself from you, it’s just to give you me. I know that you can’t give me me, no matter what you do. All I ever want from you is you. I know your fear of fences, your pain from prisons past. I’m not the first to sense it and I’m plainly not the last. The hawk within your heart’s not bound to earth by fence of mine, Unless you aren’t aware that you can fly. When I come gently to you I’d like you to know I come not to trespass your space, I want to touch and grow. When your space and my space meet, each is not less but more. We make our space that wasn’t space before. Chapter HEALING THE BLAME THAT BLINDS

personal thoughts and feelings with people you hardly know is telling too much. Sharing things with other people that were told to you in confidence is telling too much. Sharing the arguments and discussions you have with your partner with friends and family is telling too much. All indicate poor boundaries. All indicate a need for boundaries. You

If we are continuing to attract partners that are emotionally unavailable, then it’s essential that we observe our own addictive patterns rather than focusing on theirs.

In personal relationships, the false self promises to defend against the intimacy that could lead to engulfment or the pains of abandonment by substituting fantasy relationships with unavailable partners for real relationships. On the job, the false self assures the person that he can avoid the conflicts and anxiety that would come from honest self-assertion with authority figures and peers, competition, and discipline by not working up to his full capacity or ability.

One may take on some qualities of a loved one following her death; the five-year-old identifies with his father’s moral code in response to the oedipal frustration of being denied mother as a sexual partner. As long as gratification is available via objects in the real world, identification is irrelevant. When gratification is interrupted, when the object is lost or becomes unavailable because of conflict, the object is internalized to permit fantasy gratification. Identification

pretend to feel emotions that they don’t actually feel, as well as pretend they don’t feel ones that they actually do. They often believe that they only have two options in life: to be completely alone or to entirely give themselves up in a relationship. These children are often depressed, have anger that they may not be aware of, and feelings of emptiness inside of them. Often, they attract addicts, narcissists and other emotionally unavailable partners to them, which allows them to continually repeat the emotional abandonment they experienced in childhood. Although this is damaging to them, it provides a minor sense of comfort, as it fulfills their need to be codependent. In

She’s distant and emotionally unavailable. I could never go to her for support. She never loved me in the way I needed to be loved.” Tricia’s rejection of her mother was the culprit behind her relationship failures. What sat unresolved with her mother unconsciously resurfaced with her partners, eroding the bond they shared and the intimacy they desired.

The energy that can come from self-love will propel you into becoming the best version of yourself. No longer trapped in the pursuit of hopeless relationships, emotionally unavailable partners,

When we experience our partners as being here with us, it results in the positive beliefs that our partners care about us, we matter to them and we are worthy of their love and attention. Conversely, when our partners are unavailable, unresponsive or mentally elsewhere, attachment insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we are not valued, loved or worthy.

Sex toys can offer a wide range of benefits, both physical and emotional. Here are some of the most commonly cited benefits: Increased pleasure: Sex toys can provide additional stimulation and enhance sexual pleasure. Improved sexual health: Regular use of sex toys can help to improve pelvic floor muscles, reduce pain and increase vaginal lubrication. Stress relief: Using sex toys can provide a safe and effective way to release tension and reduce stress. Exploration: Sex toys can be used to explore different sexual desires and fantasies in a safe and non-judgmental way. Increased intimacy: Incorporating sex toys into your sex life can help to increase intimacy and communication with your partner. Variety: Sex toys offer a variety of options to enhance sexual experiences and keep things exciting. Sexual confidence: Using sex toys can help to increase sexual confidence and self-esteem. Solo pleasure: Sex toys can provide a satisfying sexual experience for individuals who are not in a relationship or have a partner who is unavailable. Improved sleep: Orgasm can improve sleep quality and using sex toys can help achieve this. Enhanced masturbation: Sex toys can improve masturbation experiences, making them more enjoyable and satisfying.

For some of us, commitment issues are not always out in the open. Instead they are hidden and subtle, clothed in an assortment of disguises. For example: • If you find that you prefer idealized fantasies to flawed human partners, then you may not realize how commitment fears are affecting your life. • If you consistently commit yourself to inappropriate or unavailable partners, you may not always see how your conflicts are contributing to a destructive pattern. • If you are very ’picky’ or have a pattern of faultfinding, then, you may fail to take into account how much of this is caused by commitment issues. • If you are unable to recover from a failed love relationship, then you may be unable to recognize how your own fears are contributing to your paralysis. • If something about your attitude and life-style discourages potential partners, then you may not be aware of the barriers you have constructed against commitment.

Clingy, needy behavior Overanalyzing and constantly worrying about your relationship Putting the needs of others before your own, always Constant, insatiable craving for closeness and intimacy Intolerance for your partner being unavailable or inattentive The tendency to lose yourself in relationships Codependency Difficulty being alone Low self-esteem/No sense of self Frequently indulging in oversharing/gossip Strong fear of rejection/criticism/abandonment Needing constant reassurance that you are cared about Being overly affected by your partner’s actions/moods A tendency toward moodiness, impulsivity, and instability Prone to jealousy, insecurity, and unhealthy coping mechanisms

You may attract unavailable partners

Becoming distant or somehow moving away from the partner sexually (sometimes interpreted as manipulative game-playing tactics by the needier person), or not being sexually responsive are furthermore ways of cutting off genuine relating and thus removing what many people with these issues consider to be threats.

But speaking about sex with your partner is not what it is all about. You must make the conscious decision to want to grow together with your partner. This mutual endeavor, via the connection you have through the relationship you share makes the difference between a relationship that may ultimately fail, or lose its fervor, and a relationship that not only has a chance at long-term survival, but also one that – because of the energetic connection inherent in sex – does not eventually flounder and die a slow death of sexual strangulation. The essence of conscious growth in a relationship depends on the couple’s desire to grow together psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as sexually. This implies conscious awareness of the self, conscious awareness of all of one’s feelings, thoughts, actions, and reactions, and acceptance of the fact that each of us is responsible for all of these facets of ourselves. Such a conscious link between partners keeps sex alive in ways that go far beyond sex toys and fantasy games because it speaks to the real – and eternal – connection between the two individuals.

Put your imagination hat on, because we are going back to prehistoric times. I don't know if you are a dude, a chick, or somewhere outside the binary, but for simplicity’s sake, let's pretend that you are a caveman. You’ve got yourself a nice little cave with some sick stick figure paintings and a partner who can light a mean fire with some twigs and stuff. Well one day you are out in the plains looking for some food or doing whatever the hell you cavemen do all day and you decide to drop back by the crib to rest for a bit. You roll up to the cave and notice some other dude's loincloth outside. Aw, hell no. You peek your head in and see that asshole Grock from down the street about to make your mate reproductively unavailable for 9 months. Are you just gonna take that? No way, man. Evolution's got your back.

Her superpower was picking emotionally unavailable partners and she doubted she'd get a better offer

As an adult, these people either consciously or unconsciously seek out partners who continue the patterns of dysfunction he or she was raised with if the wrong thinking is not recognized and changed. They are attracted to addicts, manipulators and abusive or emotionally unavailable people, all of whom continue to mistreat them in the way that seems normal because it is all they understand. They are known for being controlling, insecure people pleasers.

Back then, in every creative writing course the poets dedicated to the love poem were always male. Indeed, the partner I left after many years first courted me with a love poem. He had always been emotionally unavailable and not at all interested in love as either a topic for discussion or a daily life practice, but he was absolutely confident that he had something meaningful to say on the subject.