Tteokbokki Quotes

I hope you will listen to a certain overlooked and different voice within you. Because the human heart, even when it wants to die, quite often wants at the same time to eat some tteokbokki, too.

What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease.

I’m sad, but I’m alive, and living through it. That is my solace and my joy.

Being imperfect is all right and being awkward is okay. You don’t have to cheer up. I can do well today, or not. It’ll be an experience either way. And that’s fine.

Life is all about getting better and getting worse and getting better again, so getting worse is a natural part of life and I just have to learn to deal with it.

Art has given me faith: faith that today may not have been perfect but was still a pretty good day, or faith that even after a long day of being depressed, I can still burst into laughter over something very small.

I think when you look at as many sides of a person as possible, you stop disliking them.

I can do well today, or not. It’ll be an experience either way.

I want to own my own life. To do everything I want to do, so I don’t live a life of regret.

Meeting someone who moves your heart, writing something until it moves the hearts of others, listening to music and watching movies that depict love – I want to always be motivated by love.

Instead of being disappointed, try thinking this way: They’re living and breathing human beings too.

It’s like I know everything is fine, but I can’t stop myself from endlessly checking to make sure it really is fine, and in the process I make myself miserable.

I hope you learn to look at a person as a whole before judging them.

Sometimes the best thing to do with people who would never listen to you in the first place is to avoid them altogether. To right every wrong you come across in the world would be an impossible endeavour for any one person. You’re just one person, and you’re putting too much of the weight of the world on yourself.

I think you need to spatially separate your work and your rest. If you were stressed at work, you ought to be relaxing when you’re home, but you’re sitting at home listening to recordings of yourself. This mixes up the two spaces, which makes you feel near-constant shame and anxiety

I want to love and be loved. I want to find a way where I don’t hurt myself. I want to live a life where I say things are good more than things are bad. I want to keep failing and discovering new and better directions. I want to enjoy the tides of feeling in me as the rhythms of life. I want to be the kind of person who can walk inside the vast darkness and find the one fragment of sunlight I can linger in for a long time. Some day, I will.

Books never tire of me. And in time they present a solution, quietly waiting until I am fully healed. That’s one of the nicest things about books.

Sometimes the best thing to do with people who would never listen to you in the first place is to avoid them altogether.

If I go with someone else, I have to compromise on the things we can do together, but I figured if I went alone, I would get to choose whatever I wanted to do.

people who don’t try to gain something from outside of themselves are those who end up gaining the most, that self-esteem and pride come from letting go of external validation.

Sometimes, this directive to cheer up and buck up is like poison that rots one’s soul. Note that the bestselling self-help books and essay collections of the past ten years aren’t about whipping yourself, they’re about healing and consolation. Being imperfect is all right and being awkward is okay. You don’t have to cheer up. I can do well today, or not. It’ll be an experience either way. And that’s fine.

En lugar de compararte con otras personas, compárate con tu yo del pasado.

if someone has high self-esteem, they don’t really care what other people think about them.

I don't think you need to find the reason for everyting in yourself. You could've just been having a bad day.

I’ve also realised that revealing my darkness is just as natural a thing to do as revealing my light.

Hoping there will come a day when we can all feel good about ourselves regardless of modifiers.

when you’re thinking something, your emotions are mixed up in it. And you’re still inside your ‘feeling at the time.’ But once you put the situation outside of yourself by using words, you can judge the situation from an observer’s perspective. Rationally.

It's no use to hold on to the empty shell of a love that's past, to try to win back a heart that will never return, or to let your regrets seat you up from the inside... There really is no torture greater than endlessly rambling on about unshakeable feelings for another person.

I thought about why I am overly polite to people who are not important to me. It’s because they can hate me at any time. Because they can judge me and resent me for the smallest things I do. Meanwhile, because the people who love me already love me, and there’s a low chance they’ll start to hate me, I get snappy with them.

Because the human heart, even when it wants to die, quite often wants at the same time to eat some tteokbokki, too.

I'm sad, but I'm alive, and living through it. That is my solace and my joy.

Behind the counters, women in visors work without stopping. It’s a beautiful, holy place. A cafeteria full of people from all over the world who have been displaced in a foreign country, each with a different history. Where did they come from and how far did they travel? Why are they all here? To find the galangal no American supermarket stocks to make the Indonesian curry that their father loves? To buy the rice cakes to celebrate Jesa and honor the anniversary of their loved one’s passing? To satisfy a craving for tteokbokki on a rainy day, moved by a memory of some drunken, late-night snack under a pojangmacha tent in Myeong-dong?

I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking, I have to be this kind of person! Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.

You have this superego that exerts control over you, a superego built not only from your own experiences but cobbled together from all sorts of things that you admire, creating an idealised version of yourself. But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal. It’s not who you actually are. You keep failing to meet that ideal in the real world, and then you punish yourself.

Inside an H Mart complex, there will be some kind of food court, an appliance shop, and a pharmacy. Usually, there's a beauty counter where you can buy Korean makeup and skin-care products with snail mucin or caviar oil, or a face mask that vaguely boasts "placenta." (Whose placenta? Who knows?) There will usually be a pseudo-French bakery with weak coffee, bubble tea, and an array of glowing pastries that always look much better than they taste. My local H Mart these days is in Elkins Park, a town northeast of Philadelphia. My routine is to drive in for lunch on the weekends, stock up on groceries for the week, and cook something for dinner with whatever fresh bounty inspires me. The H Mart in Elkins Park has two stories; the grocery is on the first floor and the food court is above it. Upstairs, there is an array of stalls serving different kinds of food. One is dedicated to sushi, one is strictly Chinese. Another is for traditional Korean jjigaes, bubbling soups served in traditional earthenware pots called ttukbaegis, which act as mini cauldrons to ensure that your soup is still bubbling a good ten minutes past arrival. There's a stall for Korean street food that serves up Korean ramen (basically just Shin Cup noodles with an egg cracked in); giant steamed dumplings full of pork and glass noodles housed in a thick, cakelike dough; and tteokbokki, chewy, bite-sized cylindrical rice cakes boiled in a stock with fish cakes, red pepper, and gochujang, a sweet-and-spicy paste that's one of the three mother sauces used in pretty much all Korean dishes. Last, there's my personal favorite: Korean-Chinese fusion, which serves tangsuyuk---a glossy, sweet-and-sour orange pork---seafood noodle soup, fried rice, and black bean noodles.

For example, when you’re co-dependent on your partner you resent them, but when you leave your partner, you feel anxious and bereft.

I want to go up to that person and ask her how she did it! But the you of the present is looking at your life and past as if you’re a failure. When in truth, from the perspective of a younger you, you’re the very picture of success.

The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.

I was told that my accumulated mistakes will create a stronger sense of self, that I was doing just fine, that I was perfectly capable of looking at the other side of the coin, but the coin just happens to be a little heavy, that’s all.

We don’t live in some caste system, no one has the right to select anyone for anything. It’s all give and take.

If we have a habit of judging people from a simplistic perspective, that perspective will eventually turn against ourselves.

I don’t know why an individual has to be treated as less-than and strive to fit society’s standards when it’s the people who denigrate others who are the real problem.

That’s how it is with the people I love. I love the light in their eyes, their passion and their courage in leaping into love. I’ve never loved anyone with half of my heart thinking, this is enough for me.

My hypocrisy disgusts me. But nothing comes from scolding myself or hating myself for these feelings. I simply must accept that I have room for improvement, and consider these moments as constant opportunities for self-reflection, to feel shame and joy at having learned something new and to keep inching towards change.

I am unable to understand those who do love me in spite of it all, and so I test them. ‘You love me even when I do this? Or this? Or this?’ Even when the other person forgives me, I am unable to understand their forgiveness, and when they give up on me, I torture and console myself with the ‘fact’ that no one could ever love me. That

revealing my darkness is just as natural a thing to do as revealing my light.

To right every wrong you come across in the world would be an impossible endeavour for any one person.

You’re just one person, and you’re putting too much of the weight of the world on yourself.

If it doesn’t make you feel good, don’t go out of your way to do it.

you have to realise that everyone reacts differently. You need to accept that different people will have different responses to the same conversation.

I’d like you not to give too much credit to what people say about you.

The moment you set out to be more empathic is the moment it becomes a chore. That would result in your empathy decreasing, if anything.

You’re blaming your circumstances instead of your personality

there’s really no end to worrying once you set your mind to it.

But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal. It’s not who you actually are.

you’ve often behaved not how you wanted to, but rather out of a sense of obligation, or according to standards you’d invented.

If you have unrealistically high standards, you will forever be creating reasons to see yourself as inadequate,

You have to make an effort to know yourself. You can’t not make that effort and keep thinking, Why am I like this?

But the moment you think to yourself, Well, this is the way I am, and what can you do about it, you’ll feel much freer.

you can enjoy the freedom of your own thoughts. Instead of thinking, I must not have these thoughts.

to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.

Light and darkness are part of the same thing. Happiness and unhappiness alternate throughout life, as in a dance. So as long as I keep going and don't give up, surely I will keep having moments of tears and laughter.

Words and behaviours are very different, and while hiding words is easy, hiding the behaviour that reaches out from one's subconscious is impossible.

I am learning how to accept life as it is. Accepting your burdens and putting them down isn't an occasional posture; it's something you need to practise for the rest of your life.

Maybe complete empathy is impossible, but we can certainly keep trying. I believe that trying in the face of this knowledge is the most worthwhile thing we can do.

What matters isn’t what people say but what you like and find joy in. I hope you focus less on how you look to other people and more on fulfilling your true desires.

I feel too young to have seen the life and death of a living sentient being. All beginnings and endings feel so heavy to me. I am too much of a worrier to focus on the happiness of the moment.

Ölümüne depresif değildim ama mutlu da değildim, bu iki duygu arasında bir yerde süzülüyordum.

Even in my most unbearably depressed moments I could be laughing at a friend's joke but still feel an emptiness in my heart, and then feel an emptiness in my stomach, which would make me go out to eat some tteokbokki - what was wrong with me? I wasn't deathly depressed, but I wasn't happy either, floating instead in some feeling between the two. I suffered more because I had no idea that these contradictory feelings could and did coexist in many people.

dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder?

You’ve got to stop falling into the binary trap of thinking you’re either all-ordinary or all-special. ‘Good’ and ‘bad’ are not the only ways we think in black and white.

I love and cherish your story. And I am your friend.

I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside,

That person has changed’ are completely useless in some cases; it finally occurred to me that to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.

Maybe your ‘baggage’ is like an old bag, too. You toss it around any which way, not caring how worn it gets or where it lands, and no one notices. You can’t afford a new bag so you carefully and painstakingly hold it so the rough patches don’t show.

To right every wrong you come across in the world would be an impossible endeavour for any one person. You’re just one person, and you’re putting too much of the weight of the world on yourself.

Mutlu olmak istiyorsanız, şu gerçeklerden korkmalı ve onlarla yüzleşmelisiniz: İlk gerçek, daima mutsuz olduğumuz ve üzüntümüzün, acı çekmemizin ve korkmamızın bir sebebi olduğudur. İkinci gerçek de bu duyguların hiçbirini kendimizden tamamen uzaklaştıramayacağımızdır." Une Parfaite Journée Parfaite, Martin Page.

Hep aşırı uçlarda düşünüyorum. Siyah beyaz.

Perhaps it was a given that I would end up depressed as an adult. But even when I changed all the parts of my life that I had wanted to change – my weight, education, partner, friends – I was still depressed. I didn’t always feel that way, but I would go in and out of a funk that was as inevitable as bad weather. I might go to bed happy and wake up sad and sullen.

When you get good results, your worth is realised and you relax, but that satisfaction doesn’t last long – that’s the problem. It’s like you’re running inside a hamster wheel. You try to get out of your depression through your efforts but fail, and this continuing cycle of trying and failing feeds back into the original depression.

but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.

You mustn’t let your hobby become stressful. But I hope if you don’t do it isn’t out of fear.

Even if I were fat or ugly, I want to acknowledge and love myself. But society teaches us to judge each other’s weight, and my father and older sister would praise me whenever I happened to lose a few pounds. I don’t think I look healthier or feel better when I’m thinner, but I do think I have more confidence.

I only write when the weather, my body or my mind is dark. I want to write well while thinking well. I hate being full of heaviness and darkness and excess. So here’s to thinking more positively!

The thing is, the people whose faces you like are probably beautiful, and the faces you dont like can be beautiful, too.

Meaningful Even in a Small Way ‘These were all behaviours you had no awareness of until recently, and to make the realisation that you always make the same choices is, in itself, proof you’re getting better.

I hope you learn to look at a person as a whole before judging them. And to look upon yourself as a whole individual as well.

In books, we're always being told that we have to love ourselves if we want to love others, that if we denigrate ourselves, others will denigrate us as well. I tended to think that was nonsense. I've hated myself for such a long time. But there have always been people who love me. And I don't love myself, but I do love others.

hiçbir şey yapmadan öylece oturup kendi hayal kırıklığım içinde pişiyorum. o kadar uzun süredir aşırı düşüncelere sahibim ki aksini unutuyorum. kendinizi sevmediğiniz takdirde sevgi anlayışınız çarpık olabilir. çünkü gördüğünüz sevgiden şüphe duymaya başlarsınız. örneğin dış görünüşünü beğenmiyorsanız ama biri size iltifat ediyorsa o zaman, "bunu bana neden söylüyor? kötü bir niyeti mi var?" diye düşünebilirsiniz. öte yandan dış görünüşünüzle bir sorununuz yoksa, iltifatı olduğu gibi kabul edebilirsiniz. burada önemli olan sevilip sevilmediğiniz değil, size gösterilen sevgiyi nasıl karşıladığınızdır. bence her şeyin sebebini kendinizde aramanıza gerek yok. belki de sadece kötü bir gün geçiriyordunuz. sevmek ve sevilmek istiyorum. kendi canımı yakmayacağım bir yol bulmak istiyorum. işlerin kötüden çok daha iyi olduğunu söyleyebileceğim bir hayat istiyorum. başarısız olmaya devam etmek ve yeni, daha iyi yollar keşfetmek istiyorum. içimdeki duygu gelgitini, hayatın ritmi olarak görüp onun keyfini çıkarmak istiyorum. devasa karanlığın içinde yürüyüp uzun süre altında durabileceğim bir parça gün ışığını bulabilen türden biri olmak istiyorum. bir gün olacağım da.

And the texture I enjoy more of the two is definitely one of love and sensibility.

I want to focus on the parts that are changing, and to keep hoping. Hoping there will come a day when we can all feel good about ourselves regardless of modifiers.

And you can discover things about yourself from people who are wrapped up in themselves.

Emotions have something like passageways, and if you keep blocking your bad emotions, you end up blocking your good emotions as well.

Even in my most unbearably depressed moments I could be laughing at a friend’s joke but still feel an emptiness in my heart, and then feel an emptiness in my stomach, which would make me go out to eat some tteokbokki – what was wrong with me? I wasn’t deathly depressed, but I wasn’t happy either, floating instead in some feeling between the two. I suffered more because I had no idea that these contradictory feelings could and did coexist in many people.

Why are we so bad at being honest about our feelings? Is it because we’re so exhausted from living that we don’t have the time to share them?

I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time. The world tends to focus too much on the very bright or the very dark; many of my own friends find my type of depression baffling. But what’s an ‘acceptable’ form of depression? Is depression itself something that can ever be fully understood?

If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves.

Ever since I was a child I’ve been introverted and sensitive. The memories are vague now but according to my old diary entries I was clearly not a born optimist, and I would feel down from time to time.

I simply gave in to the fact that I was someone who was depressed from birth, and let my world grow darker and darker.

This is a record of a very ordinary, incomplete person who meets another very ordinary, incomplete person, the latter of whom happens to be a therapist. The therapist makes some mistakes and has a bit of room for improvement, but life has always been like that, which means everyone’s life – our readers included – has the potential to become better.

I think you also lower yourself in order to elevate others. When comparing yourself to your colleagues at work, you only see in them what you don’t have. You praise them and criticise yourself.

It’s impossible to fathom the sadness of those who are left behind, but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.

I think I’m going to quit my job. Life is all about getting better and getting worse and getting better again, so getting worse is a natural part of life and I just have to learn to deal with it.

I worked there for four years without a break. You know the sense of stability a company can bring into your life (regular schedules, the salary and so on). I was afraid of leaving that stability behind, but tabling my resignation made me feel relieved. But I did think it was going to be temporary. My state of mind in the office is always the same. I’m so bored, and I feel like I’m just living from day to day. I don’t know how things got this way. It’s been like this for two months.

Psychiatrist: How do you usually feel after the work day is over? Me: I have no energy. The only fun I have is walking home from work at the end of the day, and I just feel so listless when I’m home. As soon as I think, Should I do something?, I immediately think, I don’t want to do anything at all.

Psychiatrist: Why did you choose to go alone on this trip? Me: If I go with someone else, I have to compromise on the things we can do together, but I figured if I went alone, I would get to choose whatever I wanted to do.

I think it’s good to experience complete solitude in an unfamiliar environment. You’re not hitting rock bottom right now. When we’re sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can’t feel the ground in life, the “When we’re sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can’t feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it’s good to find your rock bottom.

The more someone loved me, the more I got bored of them. Perhaps not bored – they ceased to sparkle in my eyes.

What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease. That’s it. I don’t know how to love or be loved properly, and that’s what pains me.

To do everything I want to do, so I don’t live a life of regret.

It really does help in many ways to use your imagination. It decreases compulsions in your daily life and there’s an element of vicarious satisfaction to it.

Psychiatrist: Are you scared? Me: Not anymore. I guess it’s because we’ve already communicated on a certain level, so I’m “not that nervous. Normally I’d be afraid they were a human trafficker or something. But weirdly I don’t feel scared this time. Psychiatrist: Writing can be a profound way of communicating and understanding each other, but you do have to be careful. But as long it’s your decision, it’s all right. Me: A little while ago I might have thought, Meeting someone off the Internet? How awful! Now it doesn’t seem like a strange thing at all. But I should tell my friend to call the police if she doesn’t hear from me after an hour.

Psychiatrist: Your mind immediately goes to the most extreme explanation instead of stopping to think of the many other reasons your friend could be doing what she’s doing. You keep applying these extreme standards to others. In effect, it’s your own thoughts that are torturing you. Me: Yes. I kept thinking extreme thoughts, which makes me think I need to pursue a healthier relationship instead. Psychiatrist: There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships. And it’s perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time. I just hope you learn to differentiate the parts from the whole. Just because you like one thing about a person, you don’t need to like everything about them. And just because you don’t like one thing about a person, it doesn’t mean the person as a whole isn’t worth your time. I think you should get in the habit of thinking differently.

Liking someone and putting them on a pedestal can lead to self-castigation. Even if the physical distance between two people lessens, the psychological distance can increase. That can lead to feelings of inferiority. You think, This person will try to distance herself from me, and you provoke them into confirming whether this is true – either by asking the person, or indirectly.

Once you start valuing the time you have together, does it really matter what kind of relationship it is?

Your emptiness and fear are all mixed up, and you’re asking for help to defend yourself. But if you depend on another person for help, it’ll satisfy you only for a moment, and you may not be able to stand on your own two feet later. And you’ll lose interest in new things or pleasures.

You need to keep finding your own ways to comfort yourself.

My face looks pathetic and shabby to me during these times of inner war. Eyes that are bloodshot and unfocused, my fringe all messy, a dim and stupid expression as if I have no idea what my own brain is thinking. I look like someone of no consequence, an invisible person. My mood plunges, and the mental balance I’d carefully built up to that point completely collapses.

This anxiety about losing something seems to happen whenever anything comes into your possession.

My friend isn’t that interested in anyone else, and I’m interested in people who aren’t interested in others. Which is why it’s so special to me that of all the people in our company, she would choose to be my friend. Special, but also pathetic of me.

And the more you sacrifice, the more you’ll begin to expect a payback. You’ll feel that because you’ve done so much for them, you haven’t received enough compensation for your affections, and that will make you even more obsessed with them.

The thought that you can’t betray the person who has chosen you makes you feel obligated to them, ties you to them. Instead of keeping people at arm’s length or living in the anxiety of trying desperately not to be discarded after a relationship is established, try thinking more in terms of, ‘Am I really compatible with this person? What do I like about them, and what do I not?

But even when I’m meeting people who have nothing to do with the arts, it feels like I’m an island in the ocean. Someone who’s neither this nor that.

To the point of thinking: I want to go up to that person and ask her how she did it! But the you of the present is looking at your life and past as if you’re a failure. When in truth, from the perspective of a younger you, you’re the very picture of success.

I made a friend. We’re very different but very similar at the same time. Different personalities but on the same wavelength, so to speak.

I’m usually very anxious about relationships like this, and honestly, I don’t have many friends. It’s hard for me to get close to someone.

You know how you think someone is very similar to you, and then as time goes by you see how different they are?

It’s like a magnet. When you want to get closer, they move away, and when you want to move away, they move closer.

Psychiatrist: Your mind immediately goes to the most extreme explanation instead of stopping to think of the many other reasons your friend could be doing what she’s doing. You keep applying these extreme standards to others. In effect, it’s your own thoughts that are torturing you. Me: Yes. I kept thinking extreme thoughts, which makes me think I need to pursue a healthier relationship instead. Psychiatrist: There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships. And it’s perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time. I just hope you learn to differentiate the parts from the whole. Just because you like one thing about a person, you don’t need to like everything about them. And just because you don’t like one thing about a person, it doesn’t mean the person as a whole “There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships. And it’s perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time. I just hope you learn to differentiate the parts from the whole. Just because you like one thing about a person, you don’t need to like everything about them. And just because you don’t like one thing about a person, it doesn’t mean the person as a whole isn’t worth your time. I think you should get in the habit of thinking differently.

As you said before, there are so many good things in the world, but I always seek out the bad. For example, I was just dumped. I found myself thinking he didn’t like me, but then I read something that reminded me that love comes in different shapes, and I shouldn’t judge someone else’s love by my own standards, which makes me think: Right, they, too, must have many different thoughts of their own, there could be another explanation. Then I feel like I’m rationalising and stop myself.

What’s wrong with rationalising? It’s a perfectly reasonable defence mechanism. It’s you trying to find reasons behind your hurt or your decisions.

To me, sadness is the path of least resistance, the most familiar and close-at-hand emotion I have. A habit that has encrusted itself onto my everyday.

You know when you get close to someone, you want to share in their interests? I’ve been reading the books she likes and listening to her music, and it’s been so good getting to know new books and music.

Psychiatrist: Why do you need time? Me: For the rage to die down, something like that. The sad thing is, I really wasn’t looking down on them, but they think I was. I’m worried they’re going to let that misunderstanding torture them for ages.

And like you said, people are complicated. They may seem perfect on the outside, but they could be doing terrible things in the dark. You can put them on a pedestal and end up being disappointed by them. Instead of being disappointed, try thinking this way: They’re living and breathing human beings too. This will make you more generous towards yourself.

I always think of myself as weak, and that everyone picks up on how weak I am. That no matter how intimidatingly I say something, they’ll see right through me. I’m afraid that people will see me as pathetic.

I’d like you not to give too much credit to what people say about you. The moment you set out to be more empathic is the moment it becomes a chore. That would result in your empathy decreasing, if anything. It’s good not to fake interest in things you’re not interested in.

Psychiatrist: Have you looked up dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder? What are your thoughts? Me: I did look it up. I’ve never seen a set of symptoms that fits me so perfectly. And reading up on it more, I felt sad. How awful it must’ve been for people in the past who suffered from it but didn’t realise. Psychiatrist: Do you really have to worry about these hypothetical people? Me: Is it wrong to? Psychiatrist: There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just notable. Because there’s really no end to worrying once you set your mind to it. If you shift your perspective from their past to your present, you can start perceiving your personal experiences in a more positive manner. From ‘How sad they didn’t realise this’ to ‘How lucky it is that I realise this.’ In the past, you didn’t know how to label your symptoms, but now you know. That’s a reason for relief, not for more suffering.

What about how I like being alone, but also hate being alone?

The intensity of the feeling is different for everyone, but everyone does feel that way to some extent. We need to live with others in a society, but we need our own space, too. It’s natural for these contradictory feelings to coexist.

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma. I have always wanted to be alone, yet always hated being alone.

Me: Do you think I’ll ever be able to lower my idealised standards? Psychiatrist: If you grow enough self-esteem. When that happens, you may find you’re no longer interested in aspiring to perfection or chasing some ideal.

When we’re drunk, we loosen our hold on our own minds. We call this ‘disinhibition’. Alcohol and drugs bring about disinhibition, which is why so many compulsive behaviours surface when we’re under the influence, and we end up doing things we would normally stop ourselves from doing.

I feel stability when I depend on someone, but my resentment builds up. When I get out of the relationship I feel free, but anxiety and emptiness soon follow.

But if I happen to learn that that person went to Seoul National University, I immediately think, Did everything I said just now sound stupid to him? Psychiatrist: But you went to uni. What if you were in conversation with someone who, for whatever reason, did not go to uni, and that person said something like, ‘But you went to university!’ What would you think then? Me: I’d think, What has that got to do with anything? Psychiatrist: Exactly. You go to university on the merit of your high school grades but depending on what you become interested in after that, the “depth and breadth of your thoughts vary tremendously. Your high school grades do not determine the rest of your life. Me: Absolutely. Psychiatrist: When you feel like someone seems superior to you, you should try applying those standards to someone with different circumstances.

When you’re having a hard time, it’s natural to feel like you’re having the hardest time in the world. And it’s not selfish to feel that way. Just because certain conditions in your life are relatively better, it doesn’t mean you’re better off in general. Take jobs or schools. It’s great when you get into a good company or university, but once you settle in, the complaints begin. Do you think it would be possible to think, This place is perfect! from the beginning of any experience to the end? Other people might envy you, but that doesn’t mean you yourself will automatically be satisfied with your lot. Which is why you shouldn’t torture yourself with questions like, Why can’t I be happy with what I have?

They say that when we get too hurt we try to forget our wounds instead of healing them, and this must be what happened to me as well. Because I couldn’t remember what I was describing in the email at all.

Nothing frightens me more than the thought of someone mocking me while I suffer in pain.

Psychiatrist: Do you really need to record yourself all the time? Me: Well, the purpose of recording our sessions is to have my own record of what happened, and in the other cases, I kept failing to remember the things that were said in conversations because I was so nervous in the moment. Psychiatrist: It’s as if you’re keeping yourself under CCTV surveillance – to evaluate your own behaviour after every interaction. Did I do well that time? What did we talk about? Forgetfulness can be liberating, you know. It must be exhausting doing what you do. Me: It makes me feel reassured and ashamed at the same time. Reassured if it turns out I spoke well, ashamed if I didn’t.

I thought of discussing my work problems with my boss, but I’d been struggling all day with a task she’d given me, and it took me until that afternoon to ask her for help – she solved it straight away. And I was so grateful to her that I couldn’t bring myself to complain to her. Because I know she’s going through a rough patch as well.

It’s nice that you think of other people’s feelings and pay attention to them. But I want you to take stock of yourself a bit. Of your own feelings. You should share them with your friends, or if you’re sharing them with colleagues, you can say something like, ‘I know I’m better off than you are in certain respects, but I’m having a hard time, too.’ If anything, it’ll make both you and the listener more comfortable with each other.

Psychiatrist: Feelings of envy are very common, it only means you have ideals. But envy coupled with constant comparisons with oneself is something distinct. I think you’re only idealising her a little, it doesn’t seem that serious. Me: What would qualify as serious? Psychiatrist: It has to manifest in your behaviour. But as long as you can think to yourself, I’m all right, you’re fine. There’s no need to be too negative about envying others. It could be motivation for you to better yourself.

Me: Is it really harder for people who love themselves too much? Psychiatrist: In that they don’t feel a need for treatment. And they refuse to listen to others because it lowers their fun and confidence. There are people who come here basically asking for validation, wanting me to tell them they’re great. They think that people are jealous of them.

Me: It must be difficult for such people to get better. They’d interpret any criticism as jealousy. Psychiatrist: They have subconsciously constructed a new persona in order to conquer their low self-esteem, or they cover up their hated bits and play up the opposite of what they are. They pretend they have high self-esteem, but they get wounded more easily that way.

A common symptom of delusions of grandeur is mania. It happens as a defence against very acute depression. They might seem their usual selves one day and then make you think, ‘This person is crazy!’ the next – usually that means it’s a manic episode. When schizophrenia progresses slowly, manic states begin popping up at random moments. A more serious manifestation of this results in claims like, ‘I am Jesus, I am Buddha.’ And sometimes they think someone is out to get them, and they go into hiding.

When I read books, I only look back at how ignorant I was and scold myself and feel bad about being so stupid.

I don’t know why an individual has to be treated as less-than and strive to fit society’s standards when it’s the people who denigrate others who are the real problem. That frustrates me. That I can’t step out of this frame, that I still feel inferior when I meet someone supposedly superior to me, and that I feel confident and comfortable when I meet someone supposedly inferior – I absolutely loathe that about myself.

And I’m trying to fix my habit of thinking in extremes. I have a friend I’m close to at work, and we often talk about difficulties we’re having. But I happened to be really busy and not in the right frame of mind for it, and my friend was suddenly pouring her heart out. That was hard for me. Normally my brain would process it as, Wow, she must really look down on me if she thinks she can dump all of this on me, am I her emotional waste bin? And I’d get all whipped up in my own emotions, you know? I’m such a doormat, such a stupid girl. But this time I thought, I must be a really comforting pres “thinks she can dump all of this on me, am I her emotional waste bin? And I’d get all whipped up in my own emotions, you know? I’m such a doormat, such a stupid girl. But this time I thought, I must be a really comforting presence to her, which is why she’s telling me these things, it’s not because she looks down on me.

Psychiatrist: Those books mean that you might have a warped perspective of love if you don’t love yourself. Me: Warped perspective? Psychiatrist: Yes, because you’ll begin to suspect the love you receive. For example, if you don’t like your looks but someone else gives you a compliment, you might think, Why is he doing that to me? Does he have bad intentions? On the other hand, if you are satisfied with your looks, you can simply accept the compliment as is. The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.

Your self-esteem determines how you feel about the sincerity of others. In truth, there really are no sure-fire ways to increase your self-esteem.

The funnier thing is that often I have no interest in the men but I’m hoping they’re interested in me. Jesus, I really do hate myself, I’m pathetic.

I wanted to avoid the looks-judging gaze, which is why I used to not do anything to my looks. No make-up, oversized clothing. Because then I don’t get hurt and I can relax.

I always considered pain or discomfort as me being a nuisance. I would censor my own pain. Despite my discomfort, I cared more about how I appeared to others. I hated to look as if I was whining about something that was actually more or less bearable. I was ashamed of my pain.

Even when I throw myself at others, I deliberately do it to get stabbed in the heart. Which means, the more I hurt others, the bigger my own wounds become.

I keep thinking that if I reveal a vulnerable part of myself, people will see that and hate it and leave me. But I know so many aspects of the lives of the people I love. Their bad parts, their good parts, their sensitive parts . . . Even if they have negative parts, I like that they have them because it makes them human. But when it comes to myself, I think the tiniest flaw will make people leave me.

It’s your self-esteem. If you had high self-esteem and were sure of your tastes, you wouldn’t care if people criticised you or mocked you.

We can’t continue a relationship or end it because of just one thing. I understand this with my head, but my heart has more trouble recognising it. The unhappiness floats to the top like oil while the happiness sinks below. But the container that holds both is what we call life, and that’s where I find solace and joy. I’m sad, but I’m alive, and living through it. That is my solace and my joy.

There are many shades of grey, but I think even there you think there is only one shade of grey. A spectrum contains many colours and shades, but you don’t see it that way.

Think of it like this; you might like a writer’s book, but when you’re disappointed after meeting them in real life, you throw all their books away.

Some days you’ll feel like making an effort to look pretty, and on the days you don’t feel that way you can just have an attitude that’s like, ‘Go ahead, judge all you want,’ that kind of thing.

I want to love my own face, but I like other faces so much that I can’t look pretty to myself. Sometimes I think I look pretty, but when people tell me I look pretty, I never agree with them.

Fear increases when it’s something that you keep to yourself. Instead of suffering alone, it can often be good to share it with someone else, like you’re doing now.

I don’t think I look healthier or feel better when I’m thinner, but I do think I have more confidence.

I hate thinking I’m getting ugly, or not wearing what I want. Which is why I become obsessed with my weight. The social gaze is so insidious, and despite any escape being impossible, I want to escape it. But I don’t want to deliberately become fat, either.

If you have a strict superego, the act of being punished eventually becomes gratifying. For example, if you’re suspicious of the love you’re receiving, and so act out until your partner lashes out and leaves you, you feel relief. You eventually become controlled more by imaginary outside forces than anything that is actually you.

Just because certain conditions in your life are relatively better, it doesn’t mean you’re better off in general.

Extremes tend to connect. For example, people who appear arrogant tend to have low self-esteem. They keep trying to get others to look up to them.

feel stability when I depend on someone, but my resentment builds up. When I get out of the relationship I feel free, but anxiety and emptiness soon follow. In every relationship I’ve had, I cling to my partner but also treat them harshly.

You’re not hitting rock bottom right now. When we’re sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can’t feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it’s good to find your rock bottom.

Just be there to hold my hand, be sad or angry with me, or if you’ve gone through something similar, tell me about it and say it will all pass eventually. That’s empathy and communication and a kind of consolation that enriches relationships.

Most people have trouble living a life where their words match their actions. No matter how much they read and try to remember, they always return to their old patterns. I admire those who realise their past mistakes and prove how they’ve changed through their behaviour.

Funnily enough, the most consoling words I’d ever heard were these: ‘Why are you trying to be brave? Why are you trying to be confident? Just go ahead and feel what you feel. Don’t cheer up!

All kinds of negative emotions kept rising in me, leaving me unable to breathe. I needed to find a way to let them out.

Togetherness means altruism, and altruism is what saves us from selfishness. Because it begins with me and ends with everyone.

I think I am learning how to accept life as it is. Accepting your burdens and putting them down isn’t an occasional posture; it’s something you need to practise for the rest of your life. To see the pathetic little me as I am, but also to see that the pathetic other person I am relating to is trying their best.

To me, solitude is my one-bedroom apartment, underneath the blanket that fits me perfectly, beneath the sky I find myself staring at while out on a walk, a feeling of alienation that comes over me in the middle of a party.

Perhaps this is why we feel discomfort when reading the words of those who are always saying the right things. Because it’s so rare to see someone who walks the talk. The silly thing is, we feel uncomfortable even if we do find someone who walks the talk. We feel smaller next to them, afraid that they will see us for what we are and look down on us. Maybe this is why I feel more comfortable with people who are unpretentious and uncomplicated.

I try to create a path where there is no path, but no matter how much I pace that rough ground, it refuses to become a path. My toes keep kicking against the rocks.

Which is why I put up walls and tried to keep myself safe for so long. I thought I had built a shelter for myself, but I had only locked myself up in a prison (as much as I hate using that metaphor).

That honesty, which is an attitude, shows in the smallest of things and the most insignificant of moments. I tend to look closely at the eyes, gestures, speech and movements of a person in trying to discern them.

The chin resting on a hand as they look towards me, the eyes concentrating on my mouth, the nodding, the hue and shading of their responses as they punctuate my story. I pour out my heart to them and answer questions they ask me. Every word becomes a question, and every word becomes an answer. This is what it feels like to have someone to whom you could reveal everything to, even when you’re not asked.

Normally I’m afraid of adults (despite my having become one), and powerful adults even more so. So you can imagine how extra scary the CEO is to me.

These memories made me think how the words ‘That person has changed’ are completely useless in some cases; it finally occurred to me that to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.

When we lose our sense of hope in our own lives, we can also lose the many touchstones in our lives. We don’t want to do anything, be part of anything, or want to be with anyone. All of our desire for relationships disappears, and we become totally isolated.

Rebecca Solnit said in The Faraway Nearby that empathy is an act of imagination. If I don’t plant the seed in myself, it will never grow. Which is why some people never seem to understand the lives of others. But the only way to create something inside me that is not there to begin with is through imagination. You’ve got to learn how to empathise, to imagine.

When a person I was jealous of turned out to have gone to a lower-tier school, I felt relief, and a person I had not thought much of suddenly seemed much smarter once I heard where they went to school – then the self-criticism that followed my guilt over these stupid thoughts.

Today I deleted my school and work information on Facebook, because I wanted to erase the modifiers that followed my name. Displaying my school and occupation gave me brief feelings of superiority, but they also made me feel insecure. I hate the fact that I’m not a great writer despite my studies, that I haven’t read everything despite working at a publishing house. These modifiers can never explain the whole of a person.

When I love someone, I have many questions for them, but these questions are not always asked in words. Sometimes, they’re expressed in gestures. The chin resting on a hand as they look towards me, the eyes concentrating on my mouth, the nodding, the hue and shading of their responses as they punctuate my story. I pour out my heart to them and answer questions they ask me. Every word becomes a question, and every word becomes an answer. This is what it feels like to have someone to whom you could reveal everything to, even when you’re not asked.

This is why I like people who draw answers from me without even asking a question, or who seem to answer my questions before I even ask them. This connection gives me the warmest of feelings.

We often judge the whole by a single moment. A person may be very bookish and intellectual, but if they happen to be scrolling through their Instagram feed in front of me, I might judge them to be superficial. Which is why I feel that liking someone at first sight or the concept of destiny is a romanticised self-rationalisation. It’s all just timing. A moment where I happen to look special and you happen to look special – just a coincidence. But these beautiful coincidences are also responsible for most of our life’s relationships. Which is also why there’s no need to be cynical about them.