Tequila Jokes Quotes

Things improved when we got down to the specifics. Step one: Basic Flirtation. Lucy said you had to look the desired person in the eye. You had to smile and use the person's name. You had to pay compliments and, if at all humanly possible, touch the person. Not run your mitts all over them, of course, just "lightly brush" against them, preferably while "sharing a joke." A joke came thundering in my mind. What's the difference between a raw egg and a good ride? You can beat a raw egg. Perhaps that was not the kind of joke you would share with a total stranger. Above all, Lucy said, you had to ask questions. So far so good, I felt. I like asking people questions anyway; it was a very good thing to stop people asking questions about you. Next stage was Getting That Date. Lucy said she would give us her secret weapon. The hormonal activity in the room seemed suddenly to surge. She leaned forward. "Little pauses," Lucy whispered. Basically, the gist was that we were not supposed to go blundering in, grinning "howarya petal? Fancy a tequila sunrise or what?" We were supposed to "insert a little pause." Lucy showed us what she meant. I was selected as guinea pig. She came over, sat down and gazed into my face, touching my wrist with just the right degree of pressure. My God, if there was one thing this woman understood, it was gravitational pull. She smiled. She moved her hair gently out of her sparkling eyes. She was so close now that I could smell her musky perfume. The class inhaled, 'en masse'. I felt my palms moisten. "Listen Joe," she beamed, "Do yo, uh, want to have a drink with me sometime?

But it’s not a joke in my head. And, yes, it might be the tequila—what little we had—talking, but there have to be men around here looking for someone to marry, right?

Three mice are sitting in a bar late at night, in a pretty rough neighborhood, trying to impress one another about how tough they are. The first mouse slams back a shot of scotch, pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the other mice, and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench-press it a hundred times.” The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams back the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and says, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much of it as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” At that point the first two mice turn to the third, wondering how he can possibly top this. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.

I didn’t know what you like.” I stare down at the lid, almost teary over the fact he’s here. Even though I dropped a bomb on him last night, he’s bringing me coffee. “Other than tequila and doggy style—fuck.” He swipes a hand through his perfectly tousled hair. “Sorry. Can you say something so I stop making awkward jokes to fill the silence?

Twenty-three seconds. In this fleeting stretch of time, you can sprint down a New York City block, weave through the moving mass of people, and feel the concrete pulse beneath your feet. If you’re standing still, you can down a few shots of tequila with a coworker at a local bar and feel the world spin a little faster. Maybe, if you’re bored, you can scroll through the meaningless social media posts of people you never really liked, wondering if anyone else feels as alone as you do. You can text a meme to your friend and make him laugh about some stupid inside joke. You can read the first line of Dune. You can buy a bagel and a schmear from a food truck with no line. Or, you can call that shitty Chinese restaurant on West 17th Street to order an egg roll at midnight. In twenty-three seconds, you can also dodge an approaching subway car. But my dad didn’t.

Twenty-three seconds. In this fleeting stretch of time, you can sprint down a New York City block, weave through the moving mass of people, and feel the concrete pulse beneath your feet. If you’re standing still, you can down a few shots of tequila with a coworker at a local bar and feel the world spin a little faster. Maybe, if you’re bored, you can scroll through the meaningless social media posts of people you never really liked, wondering if anyone else feels as alone as you do. You can text a meme to your friend and make him laugh about some stupid inside joke. You can read the first line of Dune. You can buy a bagel and a schmear from a food truck with no line. Or, you can call that shitty Chinese restaurant on West 17th Street to order an egg roll at midnight.