T Bill Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to T Bill. Here they are! All 200 of them:

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.
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Bil Keane
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Reality continues to ruin my life.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
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Charles J. Sykes (Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write or Add)
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I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.
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Herbert Bayard Swope
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It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
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Bill Watterson
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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
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Bill Watterson (The Calvin And Hobbes: Tenth Anniversary Book)
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Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.
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Bill Nye
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Reader's Bill of Rights 1. The right to not read 2. The right to skip pages 3. The right to not finish 4. The right to reread 5. The right to read anything 6. The right to escapism 7. The right to read anywhere 8. The right to browse 9. The right to read out loud 10. The right to not defend your tastes
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Daniel Pennac
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Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
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Bill Watterson
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A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
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Bill Cosby
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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.
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Bill Watterson
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I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
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Bill Watterson
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You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
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Bill Watterson
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You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
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Bill Watterson
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
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Bill Watterson
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
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Josh Billings
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When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
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Bill Watterson
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There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
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Bill Watterson
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Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
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Frank Zappa (Real Frank Zappa Book)
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You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different.
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Bill Watterson
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Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?
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Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages 1985-1995: An Exhibition Catalogue)
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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Bill Maher
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In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
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Bill Watterson
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I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
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Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)
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We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
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Bill Watterson
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I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
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Bill Watterson
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Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
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Bill Hicks
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That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
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Bill Watterson (Weirdos From Another Planet: Calvin & Hobbes Series: Book Six: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection)
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Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?
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Bill Watterson
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
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Bill Gates
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!
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Bill Maher
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I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
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Bill Hicks
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If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.
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Bill Watterson
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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
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Bill Cosby
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To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.
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Bill Wilson
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Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
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Bill Watterson
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I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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Not one of your pertinent ancestors was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, stranded, stuck fast, untimely wounded, or otherwise deflected from its life's quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment in order to perpetuate the only possible sequence of hereditary combinations that could result -- eventually, astoundingly, and all too briefly -- in you.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
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Trout, incidentally, had written a book about a money tree. It had twenty-dollar bills for leaves. Its flowers were government bonds. Its fruit was diamonds. It attracted human beings who killed each other around the roots and made very good fertilizer.
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Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (Slaughterhouse-Five)
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I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
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Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?
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Bill Watterson
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I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
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Bill Watterson
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CALVIN: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? HOBBES: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.
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Bill Watterson
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I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation.
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Bill Watterson
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They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well β€” you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
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Bill Hicks
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Calvin: Why are you crying mom? Mom: I'm cutting up an onion. Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.
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Bill Watterson
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I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.
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Bill Gates
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Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.
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Bill Watterson (The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book)
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If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
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Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.
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Bill Ayers
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You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.' 'That's why animals are so soft and huggy.
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Bill Watterson (Scientific Progress Goes "Boink" (Calvin and Hobbes #6))
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You need to find a way to live your life, that it doesn't make a mockery of your values.
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Bill Ayers
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That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
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Bill Watterson
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As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
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Bill Bryson (The Lost Continent: Travels in Small Town America)
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I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.
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Bill Watterson
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I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
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Bill Watterson
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What do I care how 'e looks? I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk! All these scars show is zat my husband is brave!
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J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter, #6))
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Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
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Bill Gates
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Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
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Bill Watterson
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You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)
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The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
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Bill Cosby
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I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
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Bill Hicks
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Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
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Bill Watterson
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How come we play war and not peace?" "Too few role models.
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Bill Watterson
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Hobbes: Do you think there's a God? Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!
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Bill Watterson
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I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
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Bill Watterson (It's a Magical World (Calvin and Hobbes #11))
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There are three stages in scientific discovery. First, people deny that it is true, then they deny that it is important; finally they credit the wrong person.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
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Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.
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Bill Gates
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Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
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Bill Hicks
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I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
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Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)
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Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.
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Dean Koontz (Odd Hours (Odd Thomas, #4))
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Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
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Bill Cosby
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The world isn't fair, Calvin." "I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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I've been thinking Hobbes" "On a weekend?" "Well, it wasn't on purpose
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Bill Watterson
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We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
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Bill Hicks
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Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
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Bill Watterson
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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
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You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. Advertising fillers in the newspaper, philosophy books, dirty pictures in a magazine, a bundle of ten-thousand-yen bills: when you feed 'em to the fire, they're all just paper. The fire isn't thinking 'Oh, this is Kant,' or 'Oh, this is the Yomiuri evening edition,' or 'Nice tits,' while it burns. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction--they're all just fuel.
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Haruki Murakami (After Dark)
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I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
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Bill Maher
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The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles.
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Jeff Cooper (Art of the Rifle)
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CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this? HOBBES: I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday? CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.
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Bill Watterson
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If you wrote something for which someone sent you a check, if you cashed the check and it didn't bounce, and if you then paid the light bill with the money, I consider you talented.
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Stephen King
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Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure.
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Bill Watterson
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They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.
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Bill Watterson
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Here is my final point...About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography...What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I'll answer it for you. NONE of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life.
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Bill Hicks
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The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
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Bill Hicks
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You’re not a one hundred dollar bill, not everyone is going to like you.
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Meg Cabot
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them." (The Decider, July 21, 2007)
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Bill Maher
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Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin And Hobbes)
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From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
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Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat (Calvin and Hobbes #9))
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I'd hate to have a kid like me.
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Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
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Bill Hicks
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To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble.
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Bill Watterson
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Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. β€œWe have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a famous mer-hero, and we have trained him or her!” β€œOh, sure,” Leo said. β€œLike…um, the Little Mermaid?” Aphros frowned. β€œWho? No! Like Triton, Glaucus, Weissmuller, and Bill!” β€œOh. ”Leo had no idea who any of those people were. β€œYou trained Bill? Impressive.
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Rick Riordan (The Mark of Athena (The Heroes of Olympus, #3))
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Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
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Bill Cosby
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Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
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Bill Watterson
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[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.
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Bill Maher (When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism)
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But that's the glory of foreign travel, as far as I am concerned. I don't want to know what people are talking about. I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything. Suddenly you are five years old again. You can't read anything, you have only the most rudimentary sense of how things work, you can't even reliably cross a street without endangering your life. Your whole existence becomes a series of interesting guesses.
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Bill Bryson (Neither Here nor There: Travels in Europe)
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Calvin: Look, a dead bird! Hobbes: It must've hit a window. Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. Hobbes: No doubt.
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Bill Watterson (There's Treasure Everywhere (Calvin and Hobbes #10))
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Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN
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Bill Watterson
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Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge… is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.
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Bill Bullard
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I mused for a few moments on the question of which was worse, to lead a life so boring that you are easily enchanted, or a life so full of stimulus that you are easily bored.
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Bill Bryson (The Lost Continent)
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A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
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Bill Watterson (There's Treasure Everywhere (Calvin and Hobbes #10))
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If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
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Bill Watterson
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I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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Girls are like slugsβ€”they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.
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Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
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Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year ... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy ... let's go exploring!
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Bill Watterson (It's a Magical World (Calvin and Hobbes #11))
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I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
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Bill Hicks
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
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Bill Cosby
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Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
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Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)
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If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
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Debbie Macomber (Mrs. Miracle (Angelic Intervention #4))
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Of all the things I am not very good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most outstanding.
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Bill Bryson (I'm a Stranger Here Myself: Notes on Returning to America After Twenty Years Away)
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Tune your television to any channel it doesn't receive and about 1 percent of the dancing static you see is accounted for by this ancient remnant of the Big Bang. The next time you complain that there is nothing on, remember that you can always watch the birth of the universe.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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Bill Watterson
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It is a slightly arresting notion that if you were to pick yourself apart with tweezers, one atom at a time, you would produce a mound of fine atomic dust, none of which had ever been alive but all of which had once been you.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
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Protons give an atom its identity, electrons its personality.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
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And that's when she put her book down. And looked at me. And said it: "Life isn't fair, Bill. we tell our children that it is, but it's a terrible thing to do. It's not only a lie, it's a cruel lie. Life is not fair, and it never has been, and it's never going to be.
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William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
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You two are too cute,” the counter girl said, setting two cups piled with whipped cream on the counter. She had a sort of lopsided, open smile that made me think she laughed a lot. β€œSeriously. How long have you been going out?” Sam let go of my hands to get his wallet and took out some bills. β€œSix years.” I wrinkled my nose to cover a laugh. Of course he would count the time that we’d been two entirely different species. Whoa.” Counter girl nodded appreciatively. β€œThat’s pretty amazing for a couple your age." Sam handed me my hot chocolate and didn’t answer. But his yellow eyes gazed at me possessivelyβ€”I wondered if he realized that the way he looked at me was far more intimate than copping a feel could ever be. I crouched to look at the almond bark on the bottom shelf in the counter. I wasn’t quite bold enough to look at either of them when I admitted, β€œWell, it was love at first sight.” The girl sighed. β€œThat is just so romantic. Do me a favor, and don’t you two ever change. The world needs more love at first sight.
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Maggie Stiefvater (Shiver (The Wolves of Mercy Falls, #1))
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Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes." Calvin: Academia, here I come!
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Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat (Calvin and Hobbes #9))
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Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.
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Bill Gates
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The problem about the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
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Bill Watterson
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Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?
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Bill Hicks
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She craved a tall glass of the fresh-squeezed lemonade from the pitcher she’d left chilling in the fridge. Two glasses served with a generous slice of pound cake with orange glaze icing sounded twice as nice.
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Ed Lynskey (Fur the Win (Piper & Bill Robins #2))
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If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
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Bill Hicks
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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Bill Hicks
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Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
That seems like stealing, doesn't it?" Simon pulled a cup toward him. He drew the lid back. "Ooh. Mochaccino." He looked at Magnus. "Did you pay for these?" "Sure," said Magnus, while Jace and Alec snickered. "I make dollar bills magically appear in their cash register." "Really?" "No." Magnus popped the lid off his own coffee. "But you can pretend I did if it makes you feel better. So, first order of business is what?
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Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes (The Mortal Instruments, #2))
β€œ
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
We have to create culture, don't watch TV, don't read magazines, don't even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you're worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you're giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told 'no', we're unimportant, we're peripheral. 'Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.' And then you're a player, you don't want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that's being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.
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Terence McKenna
β€œ
I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
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Bill Watterson (The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
β€œ
We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls.
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Bill Bryson
β€œ
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
I love my country, not my government.
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Jesse Ventura
β€œ
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes)
β€œ
CALVIN: When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
I'm related to people I don't relate to.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
I really had a lot of dreams when I was a kid, and I think a great deal of that grew out of the fact that I had a chance to read a lot.
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Bill Gates
β€œ
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
CALVIN: As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
People pay more attention when they think you’re up to something.
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
β€œ
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
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Bill Watterson (Something Under the Bed is Drooling (Calvin and Hobbes #2))
β€œ
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
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Bill Maher
β€œ
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
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Bill Cosby
β€œ
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray. And that is how I got to where I find myself today.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
If you give people tools, and they use their natural abilities and their curiosity, they will develop things in ways that will surprise you very much beyond what you might have expected.
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Bill Gates
β€œ
Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK?
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Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)
β€œ
Calvin: Know what I pray for? Hobbes: What? Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
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Bill Watterson (The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury)
β€œ
I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.
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Bill Bryson
β€œ
In terms of doing things I take a fairly scientific approach to why things happen and how they happen. I don't know if there's a god or not...
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Bill Gates
β€œ
In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.
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Bill Watterson (It's a Magical World (Calvin and Hobbes #11))
β€œ
If this book has a lesson, it is that we are awfully lucky to be here-and by 'we' I mean every living thing. To attain any kind of life in this universe of ours appears to be quite an achievement. As humans we are doubly lucky, of course: We enjoy not only the privilege of existence but also the singular ability to appreciate it and even, in a multitude of ways, to make it better. It is a talent we have only barely begun to grasp.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
β€œ
This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
In France, a chemist named Pilatre de Rozier tested the flammability of hydrogen by gulping a mouthful and blowing across an open flame, proving at a stroke that hydrogen is indeed explosively combustible and that eyebrows are not necessarily a permanent feature of one's face.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
β€œ
Bill: Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He's weak... he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race.
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Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill)
β€œ
History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
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Bill Watterson (Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat)
β€œ
When the poet Paul Valery once asked Albert Einstein if he kept a notebook to record his ideas, Einstein looked at him with mild but genuine surprise. "Oh, that's not necessary," he replied . "It's so seldom I have one.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
β€œ
The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is who I am - Take it or leave it!
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
Life sometimes gets so bogged down in the details, you forget you are living it. There is always another appointment to be met, another bill to pay, another symptom presenting, another uneventful day to be notched onto the wooden wall. We have synchronized our watches, studied our calendars, existed in minutes, and completely forgotten to step back and see what we've accomplished.
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Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)
β€œ
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm...I dunno...I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress.
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing. Sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but - and here is the absolutely salient point - once would be enough.
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Bill Bryson (A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail)
β€œ
I agree with people like Richard Dawkins that mankind felt the need for creation myths. Before we really began to understand disease and the weather and things like that, we sought false explanations for them. Now science has filled in some of the realm – not all – that religion used to fill.
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Bill Gates
β€œ
New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are β€œsame sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.
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Bill Maher (New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer)
β€œ
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
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Bill Hicks
β€œ
If this nation is to be wise as well as strong, if we are to achieve our destiny, then we need more new ideas for more wise men reading more good books in more public libraries. These libraries should be open to allβ€”except the censor. We must know all the facts and hear all the alternatives and listen to all the criticisms. Let us welcome controversial books and controversial authors. For the Bill of Rights is the guardian of our security as well as our liberty. [Response to questionnaire in Saturday Review, October 29 1960]
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John F. Kennedy
β€œ
Beds empty! No note! Car gone β€” could have crashed β€” out of my mind with worry β€” did you care? β€” never, as long as I’ve lived β€” you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy β€”" "Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred. β€œYOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY’S BOOK!” yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred’s chest. β€œYou could have died, you could have been seen, you could have lost your father his job —” It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away. β€œI’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.
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J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Harry Potter, #2))
β€œ
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg! [Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.] Hobbes: Look, it's just a game. Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
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Bill Watterson
β€œ
It is easy to overlook this thought that life just is. As humans we are inclined to feel that life must have a point. We have plans and aspirations and desires. We want to take constant advantage of all the intoxicating existence we've been endowed with. But what's life to a lichen? Yet its impulse to exist, to be, is every bit as strong as oursβ€”arguably even stronger. If I were told that I had to spend decades being a furry growth on a rock in the woods, I believe I would lose the will to go on. Lichens don't. Like virtually all living things, they will suffer any hardship, endure any insult, for a moment's additional existence. Life, in short, just wants to be.
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Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
β€œ
You see!" said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!" "It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely-" "But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times...." And the meaning of Tonk's Patronus and her mouse-colored hair, and the reason she had come running to find Dumbledore when she had heard a rumor someone had been attacked by Greyback, all suddenly became clear to Harry; it had not been Sirius that Tonks had fallen in love with after all. "And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor....too dangerous...." "I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Mrs. Weasley over Fleur's shoulder as she patted her on the back. "I am not being ridiculous," said Lupin steadily. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole." "But she wants you," said Mr. Weasley, with a small smile. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so." He gestured sadly at his son, lying between them. "This is....not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, avoiding everybody's eyes as he looked around distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead...." "Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Professor McGonagall curtly...
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J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter, #6))
β€œ
[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957.
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Bill Watterson (Scientific Progress Goes "Boink": A Calvin and Hobbes Collection)
β€œ
My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great words of wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, but you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow.
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Dr. Seuss
β€œ
What are you thinking?" he asks. I know Gage hates it when I cry - he is completely undone by the sight of tears - so I blink hard against the sting. "I'm thinking how thankful I am for everything," I say, "even the bad stuff. Every sleepless night, every second of being lonely, every time the car broke down, every wad of gum on my shoe, every late bill and losing lottery ticket and bruise and broken dish and piece of burnt toast." His voice is soft. "Why, darlin'?" "Because it all led me here to you.
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Lisa Kleypas (Sugar Daddy (Travises, #1))
β€œ
A human body in no way resembles those that were born for ravenousness; it hath no hawk’s bill, no sharp talon, no roughness of teeth, no such strength of stomach or heat of digestion, as can be sufficient to convert or alter such heavy and fleshy fare. But if you will contend that you were born to an inclination to such food as you have now a mind to eat, do you then yourself kill what you would eat. But do it yourself, without the help of a chopping-knife, mallet or axe, as wolves, bears, and lions do, who kill and eat at once. Rend an ox with thy teeth, worry a hog with thy mouth, tear a lamb or a hare in pieces, and fall on and eat it alive as they do. But if thou had rather stay until what thou eat is to become dead, and if thou art loath to force a soul out of its body, why then dost thou against nature eat an animate thing? There is nobody that is willing to eat even a lifeless and a dead thing even as it is; so they boil it, and roast it, and alter it by fire and medicines, as it were, changing and quenching the slaughtered gore with thousands of sweet sauces, that the palate being thereby deceived may admit of such uncouth fare.
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Plutarch
β€œ
The lesson here is very simple. But it is striking how often it is overlooked. We are so caught in the myths of the best and the brightest and the self-made that we think outliers spring naturally from the earth. We look at the young Bill Gates and marvel that our world allowed that thirteen-year-old to become a fabulously successful entrepreneur. But that's the wrong lesson. Our world only allowed one thirteen-year-old unlimited access to a time sharing terminal in 1968. If a million teenagers had been given the same opportunity, how many more Microsofts would we have today?
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Malcolm Gladwell (Outliers: The Story of Success)
β€œ
I know you, I know you. You're the only serious person in the room, aren't you, the only one who understands, and you can prove it by the fact that you've never finished a single thing in your life. You're the only well-educated person, because you never went to college, and you resent education, you resent social ease, you resent good manners, you resent success, you resent any kind of success, you resent God, you resent Christ, you resent thousand-dollar bills, you resent Christmas, by God, you resent happiness, you resent happiness itself, because none of that's real. What is real, then? Nothing's real to you that isn't part of your own past, real life, a swamp of failures, of social, sexual, financial, personal...spiritual failure. Real life. You poor bastard. You don't know what real life is, you've never been near it. All you have is a thousand intellectualized ideas about life. But life? Have you ever measured yourself against anything but your own lousy past? Have you ever faced anything outside yourself? Life! You poor bastard.
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William Gaddis (The Recognitions)
β€œ
Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons. We open our eyes in the morning and life is just waiting to tip a fresh avalanche of "Don't Forget!"s and "Remember!"s over us. We don't have time to think or breathe, we just wake up and start digging through the heap, because there will be another one dumped on us tomorrow. We look around occasionally, at our place of work or at parents' meetings or out in the street, and realize with horror that everyone else seems to know exactly what they're doing. We're the only ones who have to pretend. Everyone else can afford stuff and has a handle on other stuff and enough energy to deal with even more stuff. And everyone else's children can swim.
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Fredrik Backman (Anxious People)
β€œ
If you imagine the 4,500-bilion-odd years of Earth's history compressed into a normal earthly day, then life begins very early, about 4 A.M., with the rise of the first simple, single-celled organisms, but then advances no further for the next sixteen hours. Not until almost 8:30 in the evening, with the day five-sixths over, has Earth anything to show the universe but a restless skin of microbes. Then, finally, the first sea plants appear, followed twenty minutes later by the first jellyfish and the enigmatic Ediacaran fauna first seen by Reginald Sprigg in Australia. At 9:04 P.M. trilobites swim onto the scene, followed more or less immediately by the shapely creatures of the Burgess Shale. Just before 10 P.M. plants begin to pop up on the land. Soon after, with less than two hours left in the day, the first land creatures follow. Thanks to ten minutes or so of balmy weather, by 10:24 the Earth is covered in the great carboniferous forests whose residues give us all our coal, and the first winged insects are evident. Dinosaurs plod onto the scene just before 11 P.M. and hold sway for about three-quarters of an hour. At twenty-one minutes to midnight they vanish and the age of mammals begins. Humans emerge one minute and seventeen seconds before midnight. The whole of our recorded history, on this scale, would be no more than a few seconds, a single human lifetime barely an instant. Throughout this greatly speeded-up day continents slide about and bang together at a clip that seems positively reckless. Mountains rise and melt away, ocean basins come and go, ice sheets advance and withdraw. And throughout the whole, about three times every minute, somewhere on the planet there is a flash-bulb pop of light marking the impact of a Manson-sized meteor or one even larger. It's a wonder that anything at all can survive in such a pummeled and unsettled environment. In fact, not many things do for long.
”
”
Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)
β€œ
I know this goes without saying, but Stonehenge really was the most incredible accomplishment. It took five hundred men just to pull each sarsen, plus a hundred more to dash around positioning the rollers. Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine trying to talk six hundred people into helping you drag a fifty-ton stone eighteen miles across the countryside and muscle it into an upright position, and then saying, 'Right, lads! Another twenty like that, plus some lintels and maybe a couple of dozen nice bluestones from Wales, and we can party!' Whoever was the person behind Stonehenge was one dickens of a motivator, I'll tell you that.
”
”
Bill Bryson (Notes from a Small Island)
β€œ
I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?
”
”
Bill Watterson (The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes)
β€œ
Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential β€” as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them. To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.
”
”
Bill Watterson
β€œ
Those who fail to exhibit positive attitudes, no matter the external reality, are seen as maladjusted and in need of assistance. Their attitudes need correction. Once we adopt an upbeat vision of reality, positive things will happen. This belief encourages us to flee from reality when reality does not elicit positive feelings. These specialists in "happiness" have formulated something they call the "Law of Attraction." It argues that we attract those things in life, whether it is money, relationships or employment, which we focus on. Suddenly, abused and battered wives or children, the unemployed, the depressed and mentally ill, the illiterate, the lonely, those grieving for lost loved ones, those crushed by poverty, the terminally ill, those fighting with addictions, those suffering from trauma, those trapped in menial and poorly paid jobs, those whose homes are in foreclosure or who are filing for bankruptcy because they cannot pay their medical bills, are to blame for their negativity. The ideology justifies the cruelty of unfettered capitalism, shifting the blame from the power elite to those they oppress. And many of us have internalized this pernicious message, which in times of difficulty leads to personal despair, passivity and disillusionment.
”
”
Chris Hedges