Stephen Colbert Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to Stephen Colbert. Here they are! All 100 of them:

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
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Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Stephen Colbert
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying β€œyes” begins things. Saying β€œyes” is how things grow. Saying β€œyes” leads to knowledge. β€œYes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say β€œyes'.
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Stephen Colbert
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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
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Stephen Colbert
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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Stephen Colbert
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It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
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Stephen Colbert
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005
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Stephen Colbert
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Stephen Colbert
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They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
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Stephen Colbert
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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Stephen Colbert
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Stephen Colbert
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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Stephen Colbert
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Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
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Stephen Colbert
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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Stephen Colbert
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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Stephen Colbert
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America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
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Stephen Colbert
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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Stephen Colbert
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Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Stephen Colbert
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I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
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Stephen Colbert
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I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
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Stephen Colbert
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Stephen Colbert
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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Stephen Colbert
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Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.
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Stephen Colbert
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same timeβ€”of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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Stephen Colbert
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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Stephen Colbert
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The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
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Stephen Colbert
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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
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Stephen Colbert
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The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
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Stephen Colbert
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Christianity is the best way to cure gaynessβ€”just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
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Stephen Colbert
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it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
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Stephen Colbert
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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Stephen Colbert
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Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.
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Stephen Colbert
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Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.
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Stephen Colbert
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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Stephen Colbert
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I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.
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Stephen Colbert
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β€ŽYou cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
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Stephen Colbert
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What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?
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Stephen Colbert
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Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
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I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!
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Stephen Colbert
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Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!
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Stephen Colbert
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Science literacy is an important part of what it is to be an informed citizen of society.
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Neil deGrasse Tyson
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Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
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Stephen Colbert
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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Stephen Colbert
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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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Stephen Colbert
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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Stephen Colbert
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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Stephen Colbert
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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Stephen Colbert
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
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Stephen Colbert
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NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
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Stephen Colbert
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Stephen Colbert
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Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.
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Stephen Colbert
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Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
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Stephen Colbert
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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Stephen Colbert
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.
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Stephen Colbert
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Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
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Stephen Colbert
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Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.
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Stephen Colbert
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase β€œHe was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
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Stephen Colbert
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They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
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Stephen Colbert
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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Stephen Colbert
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not β€œIn the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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Stephen Colbert
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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Stephen Colbert
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That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
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Stephen Colbert
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Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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Stephen Colbert
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Stephen Colbert
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As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.
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Stephen Colbert
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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Stephen Colbert
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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Stephen Colbert
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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Stephen Colbert
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Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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Stephen Colbert
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Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
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Stephen Colbert
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There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
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Stephen Colbert
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So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientistsβ€”they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in Americaβ€”less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native Americans, we defeated the environment, we even defeated the Metric System! Kilos? Sorry, that's drug talk. This is America! Where we eat fruit by the foot, not muesli by the meter.
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Stephen Colbert (America Again)
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Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))
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Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. β€œYes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
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Stephen Colbert
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So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.
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Stephen Colbert (I Am America (And So Can You!))