Stephen Colbert Quotes

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Equations are the devil's sentences.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

Science literacy is an important part of what it is to be an informed citizen of society.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.