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She was the first close friend who I felt like Iād reĀally choĀsen. We werenāt in each otherās lives beĀcause of any obliĀgaĀtion to the past or conĀveĀnience of the present. We had no shared hisĀtory and we had no reaĀson to spend all our time toĀ gether. But we did. Our friendĀship inĀtenĀsiĀfied as all our friends had chilĀdren ā she, like me, was unĀconĀvinced about havĀing kids. And she, like me, found herĀself in a reĀlaĀtionĀship in her early thirĀties where they werenāt specifĀiĀcally workĀing toĀwards startĀing a famĀily.
By the time I was thirty-four, Sarah was my only good friend who hadnāt had a baby. EvĀery time there was anĀother pregĀnancy anĀnounceĀment from a friend, Iād just text the words āAnd anĀother one!ā and sheād know what I meant.
She beĀcame the perĀson I spent most of my free time with other than Andy, beĀcause she was the only friend who had any free time. She could meet me for a drink withĀout planĀning it a month in adĀvance. Our friendĀship made me feel libĀerĀated as well as safe. I looked at her life choices with no symĀpaĀthy or conĀcern for her. If I could adĀmire her deĀciĀsion to reĀmain child-free, I felt enĀcourĀaged to adĀmire my own. She made me feel norĀmal. As long as I had our friendĀship, I wasnāt alone and I had reaĀson to beĀlieve I was on the right track.
We arĀranged to meet for dinĀner in Soho afĀter work on a FriĀday. The waiter took our drinks orĀder and I asked for our usual ā two Dirty Vodka MarĀtiĀnis.
āEr, not for me,ā she said. āA sparkling waĀter, thank you.ā I was ready to make a joke about her unĀcharĀacĀterĀisĀtic abĀstiĀnence, which she sensed, so as soon as the waiter left she said: āIām pregĀnant.ā
I didnāt know what to say. I canāt imagĀine the exĀpresĀsion on my face was parĀticĀuĀlarly enĀthuĀsiĀasĀtic, but I couldnāt help it ā I was shocked and felt an unĀwarĀranted but inĀtense sense of beĀtrayal. In a deĀlayed reĀacĀtion, I stood up and went to her side of the taĀble to hug her, unĀable to find words of conĀgratĀuĀlaĀtions. I asked what had made her change her mind and she spoke in vaĀgaries about it ājust beĀing the right timeā and wouldnāt elabĀoĀrate any furĀther and give me an anĀswer. And I needed an anĀswer. I needed an anĀswer more than anyĀthing that night. I needed to know whether sheād had a reĀalĀizaĀtion that I hadnāt and, if so, I wanted to know how to get it.
When I woke up the next day, I reĀalĀized the feelĀing I was exĀpeĀriĀencĀing was not anger or jealĀousy or bitĀterĀness ā it was grief. I had no one left. Theyād all gone. Of course, they hadnāt reĀally gone, they were still my friends and I still loved them. But huge parts of them had disĀapĀpeared and there was nothĀing they could do to change that. UnĀless I joined them in their spaĀces, on their schedĀules, with their famĀiĀlies, I would barely see them.
And I started dreamĀing of anĀother life, one comĀpletely reĀmoved from all of it. No more chilĀdrenās birthĀday parĀties, no more chrisĀtenĀings, no more barĀbeĀcues in the subĀurbs. A life I hadnāt ever seĀriĀously conĀtemĀplated beĀfore. I started dreamĀing of what it would be like to start all over again. BeĀcause as long as I was here in the only LonĀdon I knew ā midĀdle-class LonĀdon, corĀpoĀrate LonĀdon, mid-thirĀties LonĀdon, marĀried LonĀdon ā I was in their world. And I knew there was a whole other world out there.
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