Snacks Lover Quotes

Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,

I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick!   Me, me, me, pick me!   And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment?   I will cut a bitch.

I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener,” Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects. “Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately” Carter muttered.

I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn’t remember what number comes after potato!

Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough

I remember that night fondly. And by fondly, I mean with bitter resentment toward all things alcoholic and with a penis.

Who keeps putting alcohol in my alcohol?

I shouldn't be allowed to think when I'm drinking.

I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis’s voice like in Look Who’s Talking. “Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.

I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit?

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century." "You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.

In hind sight, telling him all strangers wanted to eat him wasn’t my finest hour. Having to explain to a bunch of crying children in line to see Santa why my kid was screaming ‘DON’T GO NEAR HIM! HE’LL EAT YOUR FINGERS!’ was no picnic.

I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic

Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder." Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.

Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish’s wife?” I blurted in shock. “Yep,” Gavin replied. “That big, mean fish ated her.” He said it so calmly – like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn’t be appropriate for kids. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me.

Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with F**k Her Hard and be done with it?

Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.

And let’s face it people, no one is ever honest with you about child birth. Not even your mother.       “It’s a pain you forget all about once you have that sweet little baby in your arms.”     Bullshit.   I CALL BULLSHIT.   Any friend, cousin, or nosey-ass stranger in the grocery store that tells you it’s not that bad is a lying sack of shit.   Your vagina is roughly the size of the girth of a penis.   It has to stretch and open andturn into a giant bat cave so the life-sucking human you’ve been growing for nine months can angrily claw its way out.   Who in their right mind would do that willingly?   You’re just walking along one day and think to yourself, “You know, I think it’s time I turn my vagina into an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar (minus the cheddar) and saddle myself down for a minimum of eighteen years to someone who will suck the soul and the will to live right out of my body so I’m a shell of the person I used to be and can’t get laid even if I pay for it.

All the baby books written by women who had the most perfect birth experience in the world said you should talk to your child in the womb. That was about the only piece of advice I took from those things. Every day I told him if he ruined my vagina I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid.

Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me. "You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.

Granted, she was obviously one lick away from riding the short bus

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth

Money can't buy happiness but it can buy chocolate, which is kind of the same thing.

Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Liz.

Yes, the answer is yes! If he keeps talking to me like that he can stick it in my ear.

Ohhh, a lovers’ quarrel!” Ro clapped her hands. “Those are my favorite. Anyone have snacks? I feel like we should have snacks for this.” “That’s not what this is,” Sophie told her. “We’re not...never mind.” Ro grinned, flashing pointed teeth. “If you say so.” “Fosters not ready to face her feelings,” Keefe stage-whispered. “I’m ready to strangle you,” Sophie countered.

I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand. “Very funny asshole. Looks like you’re on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry.

It's okay, my penis is not offended in the least that it just made you throw up

He was so pretty I wanted to frame him and put him on my nightstand in a totally non-creepy, non-Hannibal Lector skin-suit-wearing kind of way.

God said "Let there be light" and George morgan flipped the switch.

His voice made me want to take my pants off." Claire

Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.     "HOLY SHIT!"     My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.     "Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.       Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?     "You said a bad word, Mommy,

Give me a cat over a kid any day.   You can open up a bag of Meow Mix, plop it down on the floor next to a bucket of water, go on vacation for a week, and come home to an animal that is so busy licking it’s own ass that it has no idea you were even gone.   You can’t do that with a kid.   Well, I guess you could, but I’m sure it’s frowned upon in most circles.   And if my kid could lick his own ass, I’d have saved a shit load of money on diapers, I can tell you that.

Well, if you like honesty," Ro said, following him over to Keefe, "it stinks here, too. Everything smells like . . . " "Fresh air?" Sophie guessed. "Awww, my girl keeps getting snarkier and snarkier," Keefe said proudly. "I'm not your girl," Sophie snapped back. "And don't think I'm done being mad at you!" "Ohhh, a lovers' quarrel!" Ro clapped her hands. "Those are my favorite. Anyone have snacks? I feel like we should have snacks for this." "That's not what this is," Sophie told her. "We're not . . . never mind." Ro grinned, flashing pointed teeth. "If you say so." "Foster's not ready to face her feelings," Keefe stage-whispered. "I'm ready to strangle you," Sophie countered.

As I recall, Drew made me take him to see a voodoo priestess he found in the yellow pages that week because he said the friend put a hex on his penis. For two weeks he slept with a two-pound package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts on his junk since he refused to sacrifice a live chicken.

Um, tequila please?” I asked questioningly, enunciating each word as best as my drunken mouth would allow. So really, it came out as “Uff, shakira pea?

Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot cock definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider. Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it? I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning…give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family. --Carter

I don't wanna be def. Death. Dead. This Burger Twin nappykin just got served as my will, BEOTCH! The fries here suck, by the way. If I die, don't feed my son your shitty fries. Don't give my son to the creepy child molester king you put in your commercials either. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? He's got a normal body and a plastic face that is always smiley. It's not right, man. It's just not right. My ears feel funny.

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner!

I gained fifty-six pounds when I was pregnant with him. Do you have any idea what it’s like to look down and not be able to see your vagina?” “Uh, no,” I muttered. “My ass had its own zip code.

She smells like chocolate and I don’t like to be spanked.

What are you smiling about? Do you have gas?" Drew joked. "Hey, Mommy, Carter has a HUGE wiener," Gavin said around a mouthful of cookie, holding his hands up in the air about three feet apart, like you do when you're telling someone how big the fish is you just caught. Claire quickly reached over and pushed Gavin's arms down while everyone else at the table laughed. I just sat back and smiled and tried to keep my anaconda penis tucked under the table so it wouldn't scare anyone.

I think maybe I'll hide behind the couch and jump out when he gets here. Put the fear of George into him," my dad said with a nod of his head. "Not funny. And don't you mean "fear of God"?" He shrugged. "Same thing." God said "Let there be light" and George Morgan flipped the switch.

I just wanted to hear him speak again. His voice made me want to take my pants off.

Why the hell is he standing there looking so God damned hot that I want to mount his face.

Jim, would you rather have your porn name be Hugh G. Rection or Mike Unstinks?

When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or grab your foot while you were sleeping. True story. I figured the same rules applied with dead people watching you masturbate.

I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators.

Liz rolled her eyes at me and I resisted the urge to reach over the console and punch her in the vagina. Pussy Punch: when a Twat Tap just isn't enough.

Wow, Carter. You've got a HUGE wiener." Suddenly, Gavin being in the bathroom with me didn’t seem so bad. If only he could have been in the bathroom with me in eighth grade and passed that little tidbit around for Penny Frankles to hear, I might not have gone to the eight grade graduation dance solo. I finished pissing, zipped up my pants and flushed the toilet, all while trying not to pat myself on the back. Yeah, I had a huge wiener. You bet your sweet ass I did. I almost needed a wheelbarrow to carry it around. And because a toddler said it, it must have been true. We got back to the table and I couldn't keep the shit-eating grin off of my face.

I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic," she told me drunkenly.

Granted, she was obviously one window lick away from riding the short bus, but that knowledge did nothing to ease my mind.

Give me a cat over a kid any day.  You can open up a bag of Meow Mix, plop it down on the floor next to a bucket of water, go on vacation for a week, and come home to an animal that is so busy licking it’s own ass that it has no idea you were even gone. 

We need to put another movie in. This is too depressing. They killed off the poor fish's wife in the first five minutes and then we have to spend the rest of the movie watching that same, poor sap search for his son who ran away. What kind of sick fucks made this into a kid's movie?

Sometimes you have to learn to love the little mo stars for something other than a tax deductions they provide you" ~Claire Seductions & Snacks

Who are you?" I asked the kid with my eyes when I finally found my voice. "I'm Gavin Morgan, who the hell are you?

Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the fuck are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll?  Again?

I should just open the car door and throw her out of the moving vehicle for what she did to me tonight, but I didn't want to ruin someone else's car if they ran her over.

Even though I was drunk as a skunk at the time, I still remembered what happened after that. Less than two seconds later he was inside me and I was waving good-bye to my virginity. I wanted it to last forever. I saw stars, came three times that night and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Yeah right. Are you kidding me? Have you lost your virginity lately? It hurts like a mother effer and it's awkward and messy. Anyone that tells you she had anything even close resembling an orgasm during the actual event itself is a lying sack of shit. The only stars I saw were the ones behing my eyelids as I squeezed them shut and waited for it to be over.

I never intended to be away from school that long, but I also never intended on a baby completely fucking up my life.  Er, I mean, bringing me years of great joy.

I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you.

Thank you so much, baby. I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic," she told me drunkenly.

Every day I told him if he ruined my va**na I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid. Fuck playing Mozart and reading Shakespeare. I went with the scared straight method.

I had an undeniable urge to grab onto him and never let him go, to protect him from anything bad that might come his way and to shelter him from scary things like the boogey man and clowns.               Shut up, clowns are scary as fuck.

Jim, please tell me you know some hot girls," Drew begged. He let out a chuckle. "You might be in luck boys; my fiancé has a few single friends." "Don't worry about the pu**y here to the right of me," Drew said while Jim took a drink of his bottled water. "He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs.

Ohhh, a lovers’ quarrel!” Ro clapped her hands. “Those are my favorite. Anyone have snacks? I feel like we should have snacks for this.” “That’s not what this is,” Sophie told her. “We’re not...never mind.” Ro grinned, flashing pointed teeth. “If you say so.” “Fosters not ready to face her feelings,” Keefe stage-whispered. “I’m ready to strangle you,” Sophie countered.

I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously. "Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten- thousandth time. And while I’m all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained. "It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker.

I want to reach in my pants, pull out my virginity, wrap it up and put a bow on it. Or maybe stick it in a gift bag from Target and give it to him like a present with a nice card that says “Thank you for being you!  Just a little virginity to show you my gratitude!

Sometimes you have to do it slow and gentle, and other times you have to do it hard and fast."               Sweet baby innuendos, Batman.               "What time do you get off?"               In about ten seconds.               "Not until one. I have to close by myself tonight,

I want to do with her as one would a proper lover, fuck her ferociously,working up an appetite for a beasts breakfast and then returning to bed, to do it again, finally rousing at two or three,to snack, feeding each other in bed like baby birds still in the nest, fucking again, then sleeping until supper with the comfort of newfound familiarity.

I had a dream about you last night... in it, I tried to sell a squirrel a deposit box to store his nuts in. He stole my cashews in the complimentary snack basket.

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.

Dude, he put ass cream on his face. You do know I’m going to have to start calling your son Ass Face now, right?” Gavin: “Shut up, dicky.” Drew: “You shut up. You’re the one with the ass face.

Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially.               I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.               "What are you talking about, Gav?"               He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.               "Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh."               I wrapped my arms around his little body and shook my head at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about, buddy."               He let out an exasperated sigh. Poor kid. He got stuck with a dumb mother.               "Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn't do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I'd punch him in the nuts!

He cries himself to sleep at night on his huge pilluh." "That thing’s like Spootnik. It's got its own weather system." "It's like an orange on a toothpick." I think he heard me talking about him to the nurses and formulated a plan to get back at me. I firmly believe at night in the nursery he and all the other newborns struck up a conversation and decided it was time for a revolution. Viva la newborns!

Oh shut your yap. You know the Fosters could care less if you drink while you're on the job. You're like the daughter they never had." Those eyes. There was something about them that made it impossible for me to look away. "Liz, the Fosters have a daughter." "Patty plays softball and can bench press two hundred and fifty pounds. Her dick is probably bigger than this guy's," she said, hooking her thumb towards Drew.

First of all, you're going to talk to her and get the whole story. I know you're in shock but sitting around here all day fingering your va**na isn't going to make anything better. So man-up. Go talk to her. You spent all these years trying to find her and here she is, right in front of you. So she's got a little baggage. Who doesn't?" "A little baggage? Drew, she has a son. That's more than a little baggage," I complained. "Wake up and look in the mirror baby-daddy. He's your son too. And you spent the last few years trying to f**k her out of your system with some chick you could barely stand. That's not just baggage, that's luggage, bags, suitcases, carry-ons, back-packs and Clinique make-up bags.

During the evening the young people sat around the pilot house eating snacks and listening to Captain Boge. “Lots of places on the Ohio have odd names,” he said. “Like Dead Man’s Island or Tobacco Patch Light or Lovers’ Leap Light.” “That last one is romantic,” said Bess, who was finishing her second apple.

My ears perked up like a dog’s again when she spoke and pointed in the general direction of the chick that smelled of Slim Jims. I hope I don't start barking. "Oh, please, like she doesn't know about the smell of meat products wafting from her lady parts. I think she rubs bologna down there to attract men. Lunch meat is her sex pheromone." The brunette shook her head in irritation. "If I do a shot, will you please stop talking about Jade's disgusting vagina and never, ever use the word meat product in a sentence?" "Woof!" Three sets of eyes all turned to look at me. "Did I just bark out loud?" Three heads bobbed up and down in unison.

It went exactly according to my plan. That is, until my period was a week late and I realized I ate an entire loaf of bread and seven sticks of string cheese while I sat at the kitchen table looking at the calendar and wishing I'd paid more attention to math in kindergarten because there was no f**king way I counted right.

Even though I was drunk as a skunk at the time, I still remembered what happened after that. Less than two seconds later he was inside me and I was waving good-bye to my virginity. I wanted it to last forever. I saw stars, came three times that night and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Yeah right. Are you kidding me? Have you lost your virginity lately? It hurts like a mother effer and it's awkward and messy. Anyone that tells you she had anything even close to resembling an orgasm during the actual event itself is a lying sack of shit. The only stars I saw were the ones behind my eyelids as I squeezed them shut and waited for it to be over.

When I felt sleepy I slept, and when I opened my eyes I got up, letting hunger dictate when to head to the fridge or kitchen cabinet to eat some of the things that I'd stocked up on. When supplies ran out, I started stepping out to the convenience store to grab some snacks, the sort of junk food where it didn't matter if you ate it or not. Even so, I continued to put this food that didn't matter into my body that didn't matter, which made everything seem to matter even less. Every meal, if you could call it a meal, was like another dent in my existence. I couldn't summon the energy to prepare the easiest of foods, exhausted by even the simple act of boiling water.

This is one of mommy's friends, buddy," I told Gavin. (...) "You're Mommy's fwiend?" he questioned. Carter just nodded with his mouth open and no sound coming out. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even hear Gavin. Someone could have asked him if he liked to watch gay porn while painting pictures of kittens and he would have nodded his head. Before anyone could react, Gavin pulled back one of his little fists of fury and slammed it right into Carters manhood. He immediately bent over at the waist, clutching his hands between his legs and gasping for breath. "Oh my God! Gavin!" I yelled, as I scrambled over to him, bent down and turned him around to face me while my dad and Liz laughed like hyenas behind me. "What is wrong with you? We don't hit people. EVER," I scolded. While Carter tried to breathe again, my dad managed to stop laughing long enough to apologize. "Sorry, Claire, that's probably my fault. I let Gavin watch "Fight Club" with me last night." "Your fwiends got you sick the other night. You said he was your fwiend," Gavin explained, like it made all the sense in the world. This just made my dad laugh even louder. "Not helping, Dad," I growled through clenched teeth. "You don't make my mommy sick, dicky-punk!" Gavin yelled at Carter, putting his two little fingers up by his eyes, and then pointing them right at Carter just like Liz had done to him earlier. "Jesus Christ," Carter wheezed. "Did he just threaten me?" "Jesus Cwist!" Gavin repeated back.

Calm down. Let's assess the situation," Drew said, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands on his knee. "Have you noticed any of the following: unidentified discharge, burning sensation when you urinate, lower abdominal pain, testicular pain, pain during sex, fever, headache, sore throat, weight loss, chronic diarrhea or night sweats?" He sounded like a f**king commercial for syphilis.

Well, if you like honesty,” Ro said, following him over to Keefe, “it stinks here, too. Everything smells like . . .” “Fresh air?” Sophie guessed. “Awww, my girl keeps getting snarkier and snarkier,” Keefe said proudly. “I’m not your girl,” Sophie snapped back. “And don’t think I’m done being mad at you!” “Ohhh, a lovers’ quarrel!” Ro clapped her hands. “Those are my favorite. Anyone have snacks? I feel like we should have snacks for this.

They say that when you have your own child, the first time you look into his or her eyes you will fall instantly in love and the rest of the world disappears. They say you’ll believe your child can do no wrong, and you will love them unconditionally right from the very first moment. Well, whoever “they” are should seriously limit the amount of crack they smoke and stop talking out of their ass while their Arby’s vaginas are flopping around in their grandma panties.

Gavin, come on. Mommy doesn't feel good," I complained. He stopped bouncing and leaned forward to sprawl his body out on top of me, putting his face right up to mine. "Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially. I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him. "What are you talking about, Gav?" He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top. "Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh.

Finding Nemo," Gavin mumbled.               We watched the movie in silence for a few minutes and I felt like a kid again as I enjoyed the happenings on the screen. It had been a long while since I watched a cartoon.               "Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish's wife?" I blurted in shock.               "Yep," Gavin replied. "That big, mean fish ated her."               He said it so calmly - like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn't be appropriate for kids. I didn't think it was appropriate for me.

Was this really my life right now? How did I get to this point? A few months ago I was a single mother with no social life or romantic prospects anywhere in my future, and I was stuck at a dead-end job at a bar. Now, I was opening a business, doing what I loved every single day, and found the love of my life who was the best father in the world to our son. Oh, and my va**na was getting regular work-outs on an almost-daily basis. Couldn't forget that tidbit since it was probably the most important. I thought if my va**na had to wait any longer for some action, she would have just got up and walked out of my underwear to find another pair of legs to sit between.

I’ve downed two shots and a tumbler of whiskey by the time Racer and Tucker show up. The House of Reardon, our go-to bar, isn’t very far from where we all live, kind of in the middle, but given my race to get some alcohol into my system, I’m a few drinks in already. “I brought reinforcements,” Racer says as he tosses a box of Swiss Rolls in front of me. I can always count on Racer to bring Little Debbie snacks, our sacred lover. “Your text made it seem like you needed to suckle at Debbie’s teet tonight.” “I do.” I rip open the box, tear open a wrapper, and pop an entire roll in my mouth in seconds. “I guess so,” Racer says, a little astonished. “Tucker close?” “Right here,” Tucker says, pulling up a chair next to me at the bar. He pats my shoulder and tosses a box of Zebra Cakes in front of me. My boys know me well. “Zebra Cakes? Dude, I brought Swiss Rolls. Zebra Cakes are piss when it comes to times like this.” “It’s all I had left. Emma’s been eating all my Nutty Bars.” “Why even buy Zebra Cakes? You know that frosting turns into a paste.” From the corner of my eye, I see Tucker run his hand over his face. “Emma got them. When she shops, she literally doesn’t consider which ones she buys; it’s just a sweep of her arm over the shelf. Can’t complain about that.” “I guess you can’t.

Gavin ran back into the house with a toy gun, cowboy hat and sheriff’s badge stuck to his shirt. "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects. "Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately," Carter muttered.

Where was a giant, gaping hole in the floor to swallow you up when you needed one? Every woman in there was probably talking about what a loser I was and how they were going to tell everyone they knew to never do business with us. Shit, Liz was going to fire me. I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full of horny women. How do you come back from that shit?

I think maybe I'll hide behind the couch and jump out when he gets here. Put the fear of George into him," my dad said with a nod of his head. "Not funny. And don't you mean ‘fear of God’?" He shrugged. "Same thing." God said, "Let there be light" and George Morgan flipped the switch.

You got any tattoos, son?" Carter looked at me in confusion and I just shrugged my shoulders. You never knew what was going to come out of my dad's mouth. "Uh, no. No, sir, I do not," Carter replied. "You own a bike?" "Well, I have a pretty nice mountain bike that's still in storage because I just haven't had time to take it out for a…" "Motorcycle, Cathy," my father interrupted with a sigh of annoyance. "Do you own a motorcycle?" Carter shook his head, “No, and my name is Cart-“ "You ever been arrested or get in a bar fight?" my dad interrupted. "No, I've never been arrested or gotten into any kind of fight, Mr. Morgan," Carter said with a confident smile. My dad leaned over towards me. "Claire, are you sure this kid isn't gay?" he whispered to me.

Ever since she started designing the flyers for Claire, she's decided she wants to learn how to cook. She spent twenty minutes the other day looking up a recipe online for frosting made with confederate sugar." Laughter bubbled out of me and I got back to work on the car. "Did you tell her to try looking in the Deep South for that sugar? You might also want to warn her about the Rebel sugar," I laughed. "Come on, man. Don't be a dick. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was called convection sugar." Nope, not going to touch that one.

mistake." He stopped walking towards me and if I had a brain I would have kept my mouth shut from that point on. Obviously I was drunk the day they were handing those things out. "I got confused. I meant to say I slept with your daughter." I heard Liz groan and saw Claire's mouth fall open. "But it's not what you think," I continued quickly. "I mean, we were both really, really drunk and I didn't even know who she was until a minute ago." Oh my God, stop.  STOP! One of his eyebrows cocked and I swear I heard him crack his knuckles. "She smells like chocolate and I don't like to be spanked," I blurted in a panic. "Jesus Christ..." George muttered, shaking his head.

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth.  And it wasn't even good porn that was playing. It was Looney Toons porn. I shit you not folks. She sucked our neighbor off while Daffy Duck took it up the ass from Bugs Bunny shouting, "P-p-p-p-p-weathe Bugs, harder."  That is some serious shit that could never be unseen.