Russ Harris Quotes

The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can't control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.

The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.

Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through, or never going astray. Commitment means that when you (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.

Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

Success in life means living by your values.

Fear is not your enemy. It is a powerful source of energy that can be harnessed and used for your benefit.

Stop trying to control how you feel, and instead take control of what you do.

If you’re living a goal-focused life, then no matter what you have, it’s never enough

Any search for a "pain-free existence" is doomed to failure.

The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops.

Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.

What holds you back is not fear, but your attitude towards it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something ‘bad’ and you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be.

Basically, expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.

In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?

A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

Commitment” means that when you do (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.

Letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it.

Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.

TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

The world is full of people who are trying to purchase self-confidence, or manufacture it, or who simply posture it. But you can’t fake confidence, you have to earn it. If you ask me, the only way to do that is work. You have to do the work.

Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

The fight-or-flight is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us.

Today’s middle class lives better than did the Royalty of not so long ago, and yet humans today don’t seem very happy.

Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.

Therefore, it makes sense to put your life’s energy mainly into action and attention.

So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.

Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings

A value is a direction we desire to keep moving in, an ongoing process that never reaches an end.

Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective

Mindfulness + Values + Action = Psychological Flexibility

The more importance we place on avoiding unpleasant feelings in life, the more our life tends to go downhill.

Unfortunately, many people walk around with the belief that everyone else is happy except for them. And—you guessed it—this belief creates even more unhappiness.

Who is the one human being in your life who can always be there for you, in any moment, no matter what happens? Who is the one human being who can understand, validate, and empathize with your pain better than anyone else on the planet? Who is the one human being who can truly know just how much you are suffering? You are.

The fact that you can act with love even when you don’t feel love is very empowering. Why? Because whereas the feelings of love are fleeting and largely out of your control, you can take the actions of love anytime and anyplace for the whole rest of your life.

So what would life be like if you were to let go of self-esteem altogether;

So by all means, have your beliefs—but hold them lightly. Keep in mind that all beliefs are stories, whether or not they’re “true.

it’s pretty well impossible to create a better life if you’re not prepared to have some uncomfortable feelings. However,

There’s an ancient Eastern saying: “If you don’t decide where you’re going, you’ll end up wherever you’re heading.

The Illusion of Control

To get to the values underlying a goal, you need to ask yourself, “What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?

Despite everything you’ve tried over the years, isn’t it a fact that your mind still produces unpleasant pictures?

Fulfilment does not mean our difficult emotions disappear; it means we change our relationship with them.

Acknowledge and appreciate these efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It’s not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgments; we need to actively appreciate our efforts, especially when we fail to achieve our goals. Each time we do this, we are learning how to be an effective coach. Ineffective coaches focus only on what went wrong, and do so in a harsh, judgmental manner. Effective coaches first acknowledge and appreciate what went right—and then, in a respectful, nonjudgmental manner, they acknowledge what went wrong and turn it into a useful learning experience.

the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. For example, in an intimate long-term relationship, although you will experience wonderful feelings such as love and joy, you will also inevitably experience disappointment and frustration. There is no such thing as the perfect partner and sooner or later conflicts of interest will happen.

A rich and meaningful life is created through taking action. But not just any action. It happens through effective action, guided by and motivated by your values. And in particular, it happens through committed action: action that you take again and again, no matter how many times you fail or go off track.

The answer is that if you’re doing something purposeful and life enhancing, keep doing it and engage in it fully; focus all your attention on the task at hand and become thoroughly absorbed in it. If you’re not doing something purposeful and life enhancing, then stop and switch to an activity that is more meaningful.

Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you're breathing, you know you're alive. And as long as you're alive, there's hope.

we start trying to use defusion as a control strategy, as a way of trying to make our experience different than it is.

It’s a sense more of resignation than of acceptance, of entrapment rather than freedom, of being stuck rather than moving forward.

But wanting to get rid of something is quite different from actively struggling with it.

THINKING VERSUS OBSERVING

Another way of putting this is that your thinking self produced some thoughts, and your observing self observed them.

We need to pay attention with a particular attitude: one of openness, curiosity, and receptiveness.

A major concept in ACT is the idea of “workability.

And every single year, 95 percent of the atoms in your body are replaced by new ones.

The “I Don’t Know If These Are My Real Values” Demon

The most important thing is sailing toward shore.

How Does a Solution Become a Problem?

We call these “control strategies” because they are attempts to directly control how you feel.

The Story Is Not the Event

Anytime you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, ask yourself, “What story is my mind telling me now?” Then once you’ve identified it, defuse it.

Q: Don’t I need high self-esteem in order to create a rich and meaningful life? A: No, you don’t. All you need to do is connect with your values and act accordingly.

you” are a combination of the thinking self, the physical self, and the observing self. They

Creating a Life Worth Living

As the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how.

Connecting with our values gives us a sense that our hard work is worth the effort.

The “But My Values Conflict with Each Other” Demon

Adopting this definition means you can be successful right now, whether or not you’ve achieved your major goals.

Accept it. Take effective action to improve it.

Mindfulness Meditation

one in ten adults will attempt suicide, and one in five will suffer from depression.

In the words of the great leader, Sir Winston Churchill: “Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” Redefining

A: Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. C: Connect with your body. E: Engage in what you’re doing.

The greater your psychological flexibility, the better you can handle painful thoughts and feelings and the more effectively you can take action to make your life rich and meaningful.

Values describe what you want to do, and how you want to do it—how you want to behave toward your friends, your family, your neighbors, your body, your environment, your work, etc. The

If you love somebody deeply and you lose that relationship - whether through death, rejection or separation - you will feel pain. That pain is called grief. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any significant loss, whether a loved one, a job or a limb. There's no way to avoid or get rid of it - it's just there. And, once accepted, it will pass in its own time. Unfortunately, many of us refuse to accept grief. We will do anything rather than feel it. We may bury ourselves in work, drink heavily, throw ourselves into a new relationship 'on the rebound' or numb ourselves with prescribed medications. But no matter how hard we try to push grief away, deep down inside it's still there. And eventually it will be back. It's like holding a football underwater. As long as you keep holding it down, it stays beneath the surface. But eventually your arm gets tired and the moment you release your grip, the ball leaps straight up out of the water.

This privilege does not come without a price. With passion comes pain. With caring comes loss. With wonder comes fear and dread. But look at the upside: consider what your life would be like without it.

This particularly tends to happen with depression and anxiety. With anxiety you tend to get hooked by stories about the future, about things that might go wrong and how badly you’re sure to handle them.

When wood and fire combine within the hearth, they provide us with a wonderful experience of warmth. And when purpose and presence combine within our heart, they provide us with a wonderful experience of privilege.

Biz olduğuna inanmaya başladığımız, hatta belki de gurur duyduğumuz kişilik özelliklerinin çoğunun, aslında kendimizle olan bağlantımızı kaybettiğimiz yerin izlerini taşıdığını fark etmeni sarsıcı bir etkisi vardır.

According to Australian psychologist Dr. Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, “Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

Most of us want pretty much the same thing. We want to know there is someone there for us: someone who truly cares about us, who takes the time to understand us, who recognizes our pain and appreciates how badly we are suffering, who makes the time to be with us and allows us to share our true feelings without expecting us to cheer up or pretend everything is okay, who will support us, who treats us kindly and offers to help, whose actions demonstrate that we are not alone.

THE SHEEPDOGS Most humans truly are like sheep Wanting nothing more than peace to keep To graze, grow fat and raise their young, Sweet taste of clover on the tongue. Their lives serene upon Life’s farm, They sense no threat nor fear no harm. On verdant meadows, they forage free With naught to fear, with naught to flee. They pay their sheepdogs little heed For there is no threat; there is no need. To the flock, sheepdog’s are mysteries, Roaming watchful round the peripheries. These fang-toothed creatures bark, they roar With the fetid reek of the carnivore, Too like the wolf of legends told, To be amongst our docile fold. Who needs sheepdogs? What good are they? They have no use, not in this day. Lock them away, out of our sight We have no need of their fierce might. But sudden in their midst a beast Has come to kill, has come to feast The wolves attack; they give no warning Upon that calm September morning They slash and kill with frenzied glee Their passive helpless enemy Who had no clue the wolves were there Far roaming from their Eastern lair. Then from the carnage, from the rout, Comes the cry, “Turn the sheepdogs out!” Thus is our nature but too our plight To keep our dogs on leashes tight And live a life of illusive bliss Hearing not the beast, his growl, his hiss. Until he has us by the throat, We pay no heed; we take no note. Not until he strikes us at our core Will we unleash the Dogs of War Only having felt the wolf pack’s wrath Do we loose the sheepdogs on its path. And the wolves will learn what we’ve shown before; We love our sheep, we Dogs of War. Russ Vaughn 2d Bn, 327th Parachute Infantry Regiment 101st Airborne Division Vietnam 65-66

Your values are reflections of what is most important in your heart: what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, and what you want to stand for in this life. Your values provide direction for your life and motivate you to make important changes.

A control strategy is any attempt to change, avoid, or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. Control strategies become problematic when they are used excessively or inappropriately or in situations where they can’t work, or when using them reduces our quality of life in the long term.

Yet inviting this man for dinner would mean the world to your partner. If it’s really important for you to support your partner, then you could invite this man over for dinner, greet him warmly at the door, welcome him into your house, and make him feel completely at home, even though you intensely dislike him. That’s willingness.

1. How would I act differently if painful thoughts and feelings were no longer an obstacle? 2. What projects or activities would I start (or continue) if my time and energy weren’t consumed by troublesome emotions? 3. What would I do if fear were no longer an issue? 4. What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me? Please

How would you behave differently? How would you walk and talk differently? How would you play, work, and perform differently? How would you treat others differently: your friends, relatives, partner, parents, children, and work colleagues? How would you treat yourself differently? How would you treat your body? How would you talk to yourself? How would your character change? What sorts of things would you start doing? What would you stop doing? What goals would you set and work toward? What difference would your newfound confidence make in your closest relationships, and how would you behave differently around those people? What difference would your newfound confidence help you to make in the world?

Donna learned quickly that there’s no point in beating yourself up when you screw up or fail to follow through. Guilt trips and self-criticism don’t motivate you to make meaningful changes; they just keep you stuck, dwelling on the past. So after each relapse, Donna came back to the basic ACT formula: A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.’— Lao-Tse ‘The first draft of anything is shit!’— Ernest Hemingway ‘Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.’— H. Jackson Browne ‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’— Mark Twain

The observing self, though, is incapable of boredom. It registers everything it observes with openness and interest. It’s only the thinking self that gets bored, because boredom is basically a thought process: a story that life would be more interesting and more fulfilling if we were doing something else. The thinking self is easily bored because it thinks it already knows it all. It’s been there, done that, seen the show, and bought the T-shirt. Whether we’re walking down the street, driving to work, eating a meal, having a chat, or taking a shower, the thinking self takes it all for granted. After all, it’s done all this stuff countless times before. So rather than help us connect with our present reality, it “carries us off” to a different time and place. Thus, when the thinking self is running the show, we spend most of our time only half awake, scarcely aware of the richness in the world around us.

LOVE is not just an acronym: it is a useful way of thinking about “love” itself. If you think of love as an ongoing process of letting go, opening up, valuing, and engaging, then it is always available to you—even when the feelings of love are absent. So in this sense of the word, you really can have everlasting love. But if you think of love merely as an emotion or feeling, then it can never last for long because all feelings and emotions continually change.

To make a gross generalization, men are much worse than women at admitting their deepest concerns because men are taught to be stoic, to bottle up their feelings and hide them. After all, big boys don’t cry. In contrast, women learn to share and discuss their feelings from a young age. Nonetheless, many women are reluctant to tell even their closest friends that they are feeling depressed or anxious or not coping in some way, for fear of being judged weak or silly. Our silence about what we are really feeling and the false front we put on for the people around us simply add to the powerful illusion of control.

My hand lingers in spite of itself; a hovering dragonfly above a cluster of dainties. A Plexiglas tray with a lid protects them; the name of each piece is lettered on the lid in fine, cursive script. The names are entrancing: Bitter orange cracknell. Apricot marzipan roll. Cerisette russe. White rum truffle. Manon blanc. Nipples of Venus. I feel myself flushing beneath the mask. How could anyone order something with a name like that? And yet they look wonderful, plumply white in the light of my torch, tipped with darker chocolate. I take one from the top of the tray. I hold it beneath my nose; it smells of cream and vanilla. No one will know. I realize that I have not eaten chocolate since I was a boy, more years ago than I can remember, and even then it was a cheap grade of chocolat à croquer, fifteen percent cocoa solids- twenty for the dark- with a sticky aftertaste of fat and sugar. Once or twice I bought Süchard from the supermarket, but at five times the price of the other, it was a luxury I could seldom afford. This is different altogether; the brief resistance of the chocolate shell as it meets the lips, the soft truffle inside.... There are layers of flavor like the bouquet of a fine wine, a slight bitterness, a richness like ground coffee; warmth brings the flavor to life, and it fills my nostrils, a taste succubus that has me moaning.

The thinking self is rather like a time machine: it continually pulls us into the future and the past. We spend a huge amount of time worrying about, planning for, or dreaming of the future, and a huge amount of time rehashing the past. This makes perfect sense in terms of evolution. The “don’t get killed” device needs to plan ahead and anticipate problems. It also needs to reflect on the past, to learn from it. But even when our mind is thinking about the here and now, it’s generally being judgmental and critical, struggling against reality instead of accepting it. And this constant mental activity is an enormous distraction. For a huge part of every day, the thinking self completely diverts our attention from what we’re doing.

I hesitate to mention this social dimension of sexism, racism, and class since it can be so easily used as an escape hatch by those too tired, too annoyed, too harried, or too comfortable to want to change. But it is true that although people are responsible for their actions, they are not responsible for the social context in which they must act or the social resources available to them. All of us must perforce accept large chunks of our culture readymade; there is not enough energy and time to do otherwise. Even so, the results of such nonthought can be appalling. At the level of high culture with which this book is concerned, active bigotry is probably fairly rare. It is also hardly ever necessary, since the social context is so far from neutral. To act in a way that is both sexist and racist, to maintain one’s class privilege, it is only necessary to act in the customary, ordinary, usual, even polite manner.

Suppose your partner has deep-seated fears of abandonment: afraid that you will leave her for someone “better.” Or suppose she fears becoming trapped, controlled, or “smothered.” Then when you fight, these fears will well up inside her; she may not even be aware of them because they very quickly get buried under blame or resentment. Or suppose deep inside your partner feels deeply unworthy: that he is inadequate, unlovable, not good enough. This is painful in itself, but when people feel this way inside, they often act in ways that strain the relationship. Your partner may continually seek approval, demand recognition for what he achieves or contributes, ask for reassurance that you love or admire him, or become quite jealous and possessive. If you then react with frustration, scorn, criticism, impatience, or boredom, you will reinforce his deep-seated sense of unworthiness. And this then gives rise to even more pain.

Ever seen a movie where the hero gets punched right in the face? A gruesome slow-mo close-up, where a spray of sweat and blood flies through the air? Notice how you wince, or flinch, or turn away even though you know it’s only a movie? Even though you know it’s make-believe, you can’t help relating to it on some level. How ironic is it that we can so easily relate to the nonexistent pain of a fictitious movie character, but we often completely forget about the very real pain of the people we love? Humans are social animals. When it comes to affairs of the heart, most of us are pretty similar. We want to be loved, respected, and cared for. We want to get along with others and generally have a good time with them. When we fight with, reject, or distance ourselves from the people we love, we don’t feel good. And when they fight with, reject, or distance themselves from us, we feel even worse. So when you fight with your partner, you both get hurt. Your partner may not reveal his pain to you; he may just get angry, or storm out of the house, or quietly switch on the TV and start drinking, but deep inside he hurts just like you. Your partner may refuse to talk to you, she may criticize you in scathing tones, or go out on the town with her friends, but deep inside, she hurts just as you are. It is so important to recognize and remember this. We tend to get so caught up in