Russ Harris Quotes

The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can't control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.

The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.

Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through, or never going astray. Commitment means that when you (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.

Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

Any search for a "pain-free existence" is doomed to failure.

If you’re living a goal-focused life, then no matter what you have, it’s never enough

Success in life means living by your values.

Fear is not your enemy. It is a powerful source of energy that can be harnessed and used for your benefit.

Stop trying to control how you feel, and instead take control of what you do.

The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops.

In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?

A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.

What holds you back is not fear, but your attitude towards it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something ‘bad’ and you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be.

Basically, expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.

Letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it.

Commitment” means that when you do (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.

Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.

TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.

Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

The world is full of people who are trying to purchase self-confidence, or manufacture it, or who simply posture it. But you can’t fake confidence, you have to earn it. If you ask me, the only way to do that is work. You have to do the work.

Therefore, it makes sense to put your life’s energy mainly into action and attention.

Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.

Today’s middle class lives better than did the Royalty of not so long ago, and yet humans today don’t seem very happy.

The fight-or-flight is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us.

So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.

Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings

Unfortunately, many people walk around with the belief that everyone else is happy except for them. And—you guessed it—this belief creates even more unhappiness.

A value is a direction we desire to keep moving in, an ongoing process that never reaches an end.

Mindfulness + Values + Action = Psychological Flexibility

Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective

The more importance we place on avoiding unpleasant feelings in life, the more our life tends to go downhill.

So what would life be like if you were to let go of self-esteem altogether;

A: Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. C: Connect with your body. E: Engage in what you’re doing.

If you're breathing, you know you're alive. And as long as you're alive, there's hope.

it’s pretty well impossible to create a better life if you’re not prepared to have some uncomfortable feelings. However,

There’s an ancient Eastern saying: “If you don’t decide where you’re going, you’ll end up wherever you’re heading.

To get to the values underlying a goal, you need to ask yourself, “What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?

The greater your psychological flexibility, the better you can handle painful thoughts and feelings and the more effectively you can take action to make your life rich and meaningful.

Values describe what you want to do, and how you want to do it—how you want to behave toward your friends, your family, your neighbors, your body, your environment, your work, etc. The

the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. For example, in an intimate long-term relationship, although you will experience wonderful feelings such as love and joy, you will also inevitably experience disappointment and frustration. There is no such thing as the perfect partner and sooner or later conflicts of interest will happen.

A rich and meaningful life is created through taking action. But not just any action. It happens through effective action, guided by and motivated by your values. And in particular, it happens through committed action: action that you take again and again, no matter how many times you fail or go off track.

Acknowledge and appreciate these efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It’s not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgments; we need to actively appreciate our efforts, especially when we fail to achieve our goals. Each time we do this, we are learning how to be an effective coach. Ineffective coaches focus only on what went wrong, and do so in a harsh, judgmental manner. Effective coaches first acknowledge and appreciate what went right—and then, in a respectful, nonjudgmental manner, they acknowledge what went wrong and turn it into a useful learning experience.

The fact that you can act with love even when you don’t feel love is very empowering. Why? Because whereas the feelings of love are fleeting and largely out of your control, you can take the actions of love anytime and anyplace for the whole rest of your life.

Despite everything you’ve tried over the years, isn’t it a fact that your mind still produces unpleasant pictures?

The Illusion of Control

So by all means, have your beliefs—but hold them lightly. Keep in mind that all beliefs are stories, whether or not they’re “true.

Fulfilment does not mean our difficult emotions disappear; it means we change our relationship with them.

Who is the one human being in your life who can always be there for you, in any moment, no matter what happens? Who is the one human being who can understand, validate, and empathize with your pain better than anyone else on the planet? Who is the one human being who can truly know just how much you are suffering? You are.

1. How would I act differently if painful thoughts and feelings were no longer an obstacle? 2. What projects or activities would I start (or continue) if my time and energy weren’t consumed by troublesome emotions? 3. What would I do if fear were no longer an issue? 4. What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me? Please

First, be wary of holding on to any belief too tightly. We all have beliefs, but the more tightly we hold on to them, the more inflexible we become in our attitudes and behaviors. If you’ve ever tried having an argument with someone who absolutely believes they are right, then you know how pointless it is—they will never see any point of view other than their own.

Suppose magic happens, so that all your difficult thoughts and feelings become like water off a duck’s back; they lose their power over you; they no longer bring you down or hold you back… What projects, activities, or tasks would you start, resume, or continue? What or who would you stop avoiding? What would you start doing or do more of? How would you treat yourself differently? How would you treat others differently, in your most important relationships?

In the words of the great leader, Sir Winston Churchill: “Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” Redefining

one in ten adults will attempt suicide, and one in five will suffer from depression.

Mindfulness Meditation

to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create. It’s

How Does a Solution Become a Problem?

We call these “control strategies” because they are attempts to directly control how you feel.

The Story Is Not the Event

Anytime you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, ask yourself, “What story is my mind telling me now?” Then once you’ve identified it, defuse it.

Creating a Life Worth Living

As the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how.

Connecting with our values gives us a sense that our hard work is worth the effort.

Adopting this definition means you can be successful right now, whether or not you’ve achieved your major goals.

Accept it. Take effective action to improve it.

The “I Don’t Know If These Are My Real Values” Demon

The “But My Values Conflict with Each Other” Demon

The most important thing is sailing toward shore.

We need to pay attention with a particular attitude: one of openness, curiosity, and receptiveness.

Our thoughts are not the problem. Our thoughts do not create the psychological smog. It is the way we respond to our thoughts that creates the smog.

Building a good relationship with ourselves is essential for inner fulfilment, especially when we run into a large reality gap.

Q: Don’t I need high self-esteem in order to create a rich and meaningful life? A: No, you don’t. All you need to do is connect with your values and act accordingly.

And every single year, 95 percent of the atoms in your body are replaced by new ones.

you” are a combination of the thinking self, the physical self, and the observing self. They

we start trying to use defusion as a control strategy, as a way of trying to make our experience different than it is.

It’s a sense more of resignation than of acceptance, of entrapment rather than freedom, of being stuck rather than moving forward.

But wanting to get rid of something is quite different from actively struggling with it.

THINKING VERSUS OBSERVING

Another way of putting this is that your thinking self produced some thoughts, and your observing self observed them.

A major concept in ACT is the idea of “workability.

Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’M HAVING THE THOUGHT THAT . . .

If your mind says, “I’ll fail!” then simply acknowledge, “I’m having the thought that I’ll fail!

A rich, full, and meaningful life comes about through accepting your thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them, and taking effective action, guided by your deepest values.

The observing self, though, is incapable of boredom. It registers everything it observes with openness and interest. It’s only the thinking self that gets bored, because boredom is basically a thought process: a story that life would be more interesting and more fulfilling if we were doing something else. The thinking self is easily bored because it thinks it already knows it all. It’s been there, done that, seen the show, and bought the T-shirt. Whether we’re walking down the street, driving to work, eating a meal, having a chat, or taking a shower, the thinking self takes it all for granted. After all, it’s done all this stuff countless times before. So rather than help us connect with our present reality, it “carries us off” to a different time and place. Thus, when the thinking self is running the show, we spend most of our time only half awake, scarcely aware of the richness in the world around us.

If you love somebody deeply and you lose that relationship - whether through death, rejection or separation - you will feel pain. That pain is called grief. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any significant loss, whether a loved one, a job or a limb. There's no way to avoid or get rid of it - it's just there. And, once accepted, it will pass in its own time. Unfortunately, many of us refuse to accept grief. We will do anything rather than feel it. We may bury ourselves in work, drink heavily, throw ourselves into a new relationship 'on the rebound' or numb ourselves with prescribed medications. But no matter how hard we try to push grief away, deep down inside it's still there. And eventually it will be back. It's like holding a football underwater. As long as you keep holding it down, it stays beneath the surface. But eventually your arm gets tired and the moment you release your grip, the ball leaps straight up out of the water.

This privilege does not come without a price. With passion comes pain. With caring comes loss. With wonder comes fear and dread. But look at the upside: consider what your life would be like without it.

This particularly tends to happen with depression and anxiety. With anxiety you tend to get hooked by stories about the future, about things that might go wrong and how badly you’re sure to handle them.

When wood and fire combine within the hearth, they provide us with a wonderful experience of warmth. And when purpose and presence combine within our heart, they provide us with a wonderful experience of privilege.

Biz olduğuna inanmaya başladığımız, hatta belki de gurur duyduğumuz kişilik özelliklerinin çoğunun, aslında kendimizle olan bağlantımızı kaybettiğimiz yerin izlerini taşıdığını fark etmeni sarsıcı bir etkisi vardır.

According to Australian psychologist Dr. Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, “Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

Most of us want pretty much the same thing. We want to know there is someone there for us: someone who truly cares about us, who takes the time to understand us, who recognizes our pain and appreciates how badly we are suffering, who makes the time to be with us and allows us to share our true feelings without expecting us to cheer up or pretend everything is okay, who will support us, who treats us kindly and offers to help, whose actions demonstrate that we are not alone.

THE SHEEPDOGS Most humans truly are like sheep Wanting nothing more than peace to keep To graze, grow fat and raise their young, Sweet taste of clover on the tongue. Their lives serene upon Life’s farm, They sense no threat nor fear no harm. On verdant meadows, they forage free With naught to fear, with naught to flee. They pay their sheepdogs little heed For there is no threat; there is no need. To the flock, sheepdog’s are mysteries, Roaming watchful round the peripheries. These fang-toothed creatures bark, they roar With the fetid reek of the carnivore, Too like the wolf of legends told, To be amongst our docile fold. Who needs sheepdogs? What good are they? They have no use, not in this day. Lock them away, out of our sight We have no need of their fierce might. But sudden in their midst a beast Has come to kill, has come to feast The wolves attack; they give no warning Upon that calm September morning They slash and kill with frenzied glee Their passive helpless enemy Who had no clue the wolves were there Far roaming from their Eastern lair. Then from the carnage, from the rout, Comes the cry, “Turn the sheepdogs out!” Thus is our nature but too our plight To keep our dogs on leashes tight And live a life of illusive bliss Hearing not the beast, his growl, his hiss. Until he has us by the throat, We pay no heed; we take no note. Not until he strikes us at our core Will we unleash the Dogs of War Only having felt the wolf pack’s wrath Do we loose the sheepdogs on its path. And the wolves will learn what we’ve shown before; We love our sheep, we Dogs of War. Russ Vaughn 2d Bn, 327th Parachute Infantry Regiment 101st Airborne Division Vietnam 65-66

Your values are reflections of what is most important in your heart: what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, and what you want to stand for in this life. Your values provide direction for your life and motivate you to make important changes.

A control strategy is any attempt to change, avoid, or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. Control strategies become problematic when they are used excessively or inappropriately or in situations where they can’t work, or when using them reduces our quality of life in the long term.

The answer is that if you’re doing something purposeful and life enhancing, keep doing it and engage in it fully; focus all your attention on the task at hand and become thoroughly absorbed in it. If you’re not doing something purposeful and life enhancing, then stop and switch to an activity that is more meaningful.

Yet inviting this man for dinner would mean the world to your partner. If it’s really important for you to support your partner, then you could invite this man over for dinner, greet him warmly at the door, welcome him into your house, and make him feel completely at home, even though you intensely dislike him. That’s willingness.

How would you behave differently? How would you walk and talk differently? How would you play, work, and perform differently? How would you treat others differently: your friends, relatives, partner, parents, children, and work colleagues? How would you treat yourself differently? How would you treat your body? How would you talk to yourself? How would your character change? What sorts of things would you start doing? What would you stop doing? What goals would you set and work toward? What difference would your newfound confidence make in your closest relationships, and how would you behave differently around those people? What difference would your newfound confidence help you to make in the world?

Donna learned quickly that there’s no point in beating yourself up when you screw up or fail to follow through. Guilt trips and self-criticism don’t motivate you to make meaningful changes; they just keep you stuck, dwelling on the past. So after each relapse, Donna came back to the basic ACT formula: A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.’— Lao-Tse ‘The first draft of anything is shit!’— Ernest Hemingway ‘Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.’— H. Jackson Browne ‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’— Mark Twain

LOVE is not just an acronym: it is a useful way of thinking about “love” itself. If you think of love as an ongoing process of letting go, opening up, valuing, and engaging, then it is always available to you—even when the feelings of love are absent. So in this sense of the word, you really can have everlasting love. But if you think of love merely as an emotion or feeling, then it can never last for long because all feelings and emotions continually change.

So we need to make a schedule, but where do we begin? The common approach is to make a to-do list. We write down all the things we want to do and hope we’ll find the time throughout the day to do them. Unfortunately, this method has some serious flaws. Anyone who has tried keeping such a list knows many tasks tend to get pushed from one day to the next, and the next. Instead of starting with what we’re going to do, we should begin with why we’re going to do it. And to do that, we must begin with our values. According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, values are “how we want to be, what we want to stand for, and how we want to relate to the world around us.” They are attributes of the person we want to be. For example, they may include being an honest person, being a loving parent, or being a valued part of a team. We never achieve our values any more than finishing a painting would let us achieve being creative. A value is like a guiding star; it’s the fixed point we use to help us navigate our life choices.

To make a gross generalization, men are much worse than women at admitting their deepest concerns because men are taught to be stoic, to bottle up their feelings and hide them. After all, big boys don’t cry. In contrast, women learn to share and discuss their feelings from a young age. Nonetheless, many women are reluctant to tell even their closest friends that they are feeling depressed or anxious or not coping in some way, for fear of being judged weak or silly. Our silence about what we are really feeling and the false front we put on for the people around us simply add to the powerful illusion of control.

My hand lingers in spite of itself; a hovering dragonfly above a cluster of dainties. A Plexiglas tray with a lid protects them; the name of each piece is lettered on the lid in fine, cursive script. The names are entrancing: Bitter orange cracknell. Apricot marzipan roll. Cerisette russe. White rum truffle. Manon blanc. Nipples of Venus. I feel myself flushing beneath the mask. How could anyone order something with a name like that? And yet they look wonderful, plumply white in the light of my torch, tipped with darker chocolate. I take one from the top of the tray. I hold it beneath my nose; it smells of cream and vanilla. No one will know. I realize that I have not eaten chocolate since I was a boy, more years ago than I can remember, and even then it was a cheap grade of chocolat à croquer, fifteen percent cocoa solids- twenty for the dark- with a sticky aftertaste of fat and sugar. Once or twice I bought Süchard from the supermarket, but at five times the price of the other, it was a luxury I could seldom afford. This is different altogether; the brief resistance of the chocolate shell as it meets the lips, the soft truffle inside.... There are layers of flavor like the bouquet of a fine wine, a slight bitterness, a richness like ground coffee; warmth brings the flavor to life, and it fills my nostrils, a taste succubus that has me moaning.

The thinking self is rather like a time machine: it continually pulls us into the future and the past. We spend a huge amount of time worrying about, planning for, or dreaming of the future, and a huge amount of time rehashing the past. This makes perfect sense in terms of evolution. The “don’t get killed” device needs to plan ahead and anticipate problems. It also needs to reflect on the past, to learn from it. But even when our mind is thinking about the here and now, it’s generally being judgmental and critical, struggling against reality instead of accepting it. And this constant mental activity is an enormous distraction. For a huge part of every day, the thinking self completely diverts our attention from what we’re doing.

I hesitate to mention this social dimension of sexism, racism, and class since it can be so easily used as an escape hatch by those too tired, too annoyed, too harried, or too comfortable to want to change. But it is true that although people are responsible for their actions, they are not responsible for the social context in which they must act or the social resources available to them. All of us must perforce accept large chunks of our culture readymade; there is not enough energy and time to do otherwise. Even so, the results of such nonthought can be appalling. At the level of high culture with which this book is concerned, active bigotry is probably fairly rare. It is also hardly ever necessary, since the social context is so far from neutral. To act in a way that is both sexist and racist, to maintain one’s class privilege, it is only necessary to act in the customary, ordinary, usual, even polite manner.

Suppose your partner has deep-seated fears of abandonment: afraid that you will leave her for someone “better.” Or suppose she fears becoming trapped, controlled, or “smothered.” Then when you fight, these fears will well up inside her; she may not even be aware of them because they very quickly get buried under blame or resentment. Or suppose deep inside your partner feels deeply unworthy: that he is inadequate, unlovable, not good enough. This is painful in itself, but when people feel this way inside, they often act in ways that strain the relationship. Your partner may continually seek approval, demand recognition for what he achieves or contributes, ask for reassurance that you love or admire him, or become quite jealous and possessive. If you then react with frustration, scorn, criticism, impatience, or boredom, you will reinforce his deep-seated sense of unworthiness. And this then gives rise to even more pain.

Ever seen a movie where the hero gets punched right in the face? A gruesome slow-mo close-up, where a spray of sweat and blood flies through the air? Notice how you wince, or flinch, or turn away even though you know it’s only a movie? Even though you know it’s make-believe, you can’t help relating to it on some level. How ironic is it that we can so easily relate to the nonexistent pain of a fictitious movie character, but we often completely forget about the very real pain of the people we love? Humans are social animals. When it comes to affairs of the heart, most of us are pretty similar. We want to be loved, respected, and cared for. We want to get along with others and generally have a good time with them. When we fight with, reject, or distance ourselves from the people we love, we don’t feel good. And when they fight with, reject, or distance themselves from us, we feel even worse. So when you fight with your partner, you both get hurt. Your partner may not reveal his pain to you; he may just get angry, or storm out of the house, or quietly switch on the TV and start drinking, but deep inside he hurts just like you. Your partner may refuse to talk to you, she may criticize you in scathing tones, or go out on the town with her friends, but deep inside, she hurts just as you are. It is so important to recognize and remember this. We tend to get so caught up in

our own suffering that we can easily forget our partner is in the same boat. Suppose your partner has deep-seated fears of abandonment: afraid that you will leave her for someone “better.” Or suppose she fears becoming trapped, controlled, or “smothered.” Then when you fight, these fears will well up inside her; she may not even be aware of them because they very quickly get buried under blame or resentment. Or suppose deep inside your partner feels deeply unworthy: that he is inadequate, unlovable, not good enough. This is painful in itself, but when people feel this way inside, they often act in ways that strain the relationship. Your partner may continually seek approval, demand recognition for what he achieves or contributes, ask for reassurance that you love or admire him, or become quite jealous and possessive. If you then react with frustration, scorn, criticism, impatience, or boredom, you will reinforce his deep-seated sense of unworthiness. And this then gives rise to even more pain.

experiential avoidance.” Experiential avoidance means the ongoing attempt to avoid, escape from, or get rid of unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories—even when doing so is harmful, useless, or costly. (We call this “experiential avoidance” because thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, etc., are all “private experiences.”) Experiential avoidance is a major cause of depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, and a vast number of other psychological problems.

When a wound doesn’t mend on its own, one of two things will happen: it can either remain raw or, more commonly, be replaced by a thick layer of scar tissue. As an open sore, it is an ongoing source of pain in a place where we can be hurt over and over again by even the slightest stimulus. It compels us to be ever vigilant - always nursing our wounds, as it were - and leaves us limited in our capacity to move flexibly and act confidently lest we be harmed again. The scar is preferable, providing protection, and holding tissues together, but it has its drawbacks: it is tight, hard, inflexible, unable to grow, a zone of numbness. The original healthy, alive flash, is not regenerated.

cuando experimentamos dolor intenso, físico, emocional o psicológico, nuestro nervio vago nos anestesia literalmente: «corta» nuestros sentimientos para ahorrarnos el dolor.

The nature of commitment: you can never know in advance whether you will achieve your goals; all you can do is keep moving forward in a meaningful direction. The future is not in your control. What is in your control is your ability to continue your journey, step by step, learning and growing as you progress — and getting back on track whenever you wander.

As a result we spend a lot of time worrying about things that, more often than not, never happen.

Thus, evolution has shaped our minds so that we are almost inevitably destined to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate and criticise ourselves; to focus on what we’re lacking; to be dissatisfied with what we have; and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

In fact, the harder we pursue pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.

The other meaning of happiness is ‘a rich, full and meaningful life’. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, when we move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, when we clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling – it is a profound sense of a life well lived.

such as sadness, fear and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.

But if we try to have them all the time, we are doomed to failure.

Unfortunately, many people walk around with the belief that everyone else is happy except for them. And – you guessed it – this belief creates even more unhappiness.

ACT proposes that the normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective – your mind’s just doing its job; the thing it evolved to do. Fortunately, ACT can teach you how to adapt to this in such a way that your life will be powerfully transformed.

But here’s the catch: the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant.

The fact is, we have much less control over our thoughts and feelings than we would like. It’s not that we have no control; it’s just that we have much less than the ‘experts’ would have us believe. However, we do have a huge amount of control over our actions. And it’s through taking action that we create a rich, full and meaningful life. (That’s why we say ACT as the word ‘act’, rather than as the initials A.C.T.)

So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings – but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.

The main goal is to engage in meaningful activities, no matter how you feel. It is this that, in the long run, makes life fulfilling.

Then your thinking self kicks in: ‘Wow, look at all those colours! This reminds me of that sunset we saw on holiday last year. I wish I had my camera. It’s so beautiful; this looks like something out of a movie.’ The more attention your observing self pays to the running commentary of the thinking self, the more you lose direct contact with that sunset.

So we can describe psychological flexibility as the ability to “be present, open up, and do what matters.

The observing self is fundamentally different from the thinking self. The observing self doesn’t think; it is the part of you that is responsible for focus, attention and awareness. While it can observe or pay attention to your thoughts, it can’t produce them. Whereas the thinking self thinks about your experience, the observing self registers your experience directly.

Actions are important because, unlike your thoughts and feelings, you can have direct control over them. Values are important because they can guide you and motivate you through situations where your feelings might lead you off course.

we will experience wonderful feelings such as love and joy. But sooner or later, in even the best relationships, we will experience conflict, disappointment, and frustration. (There is no such thing as the perfect relationship.)

What’s a not-too-challenging way to start off? What’s something that’s doable, realistic, and not too great a leap out of your comfort zone? As it happens, this principle is the ALL-TIME-BEST-EVER-GOLD-STANDARD-KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF strategy for procrastination. Don’t try to complete the whole task or project in one go: nibble away at it, one small piece at a time.

Less ability to focus on the normal, the baseline, including states of observation, contemplation, and transitions from which ideas spark— what many under the age of twenty now consider a void, proclaiming boredom… On a biological as well as a cultural level, such brain state changes affect learning, socialization, recreation, partnering, parenting, and creativity—in essence, all factors that make a society and a culture.

echa el ancla. Aplica la fórmula RCC: reconoce tus pensamientos y sentimientos, conecta con tu cuerpo y céntrate en lo que estés haciendo.

Citando al gran novelista Liev N. Tolstói, «Solo hay un momento importante: ahora. Ese es el momento más importante, porque es el único sobre el que tenemos poder».

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin—real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last, it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

The past doesn’t exist; it’s nothing more than memories in the present. And the future doesn’t exist; it’s nothing more than thoughts and images in the present.

observing your own mind; notice the different ways in which you struggle. Do you judge your thoughts

Often when we connect with our values, we realise that we’ve been neglecting them for a long time and this can be very painful. But remember, this is not an excuse to beat yourself up! (‘What a hypocrite I am! I say I value doing all these different things, yet I’m not doing any of them! I’m pathetic!’) All of us lose touch with our values from time to time. Dwelling on those times is pointless because there’s nothing we can do to change the past. What’s important is to connect with our values here and now and to use them to guide and motivate our current actions. So if your mind does start beating up on you, simply thank it.

In his book, The Happiness Trap, leading ACT practitioner Dr Russ Harris, explains that negative thoughts are only considered problematic if we get caught up in them, give them all of our attention, treat them as the absolute truth, allow them to control us, or get in a fight with them.

the harder we pursue pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. The other meaning of happiness is ‘a rich, full and meaningful life’. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, when we move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, when we clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality.

Some people call this “staying in your comfort zone,” but that’s not a good name for it because the comfort zone is definitely not comfortable. It should be called the “misery zone” or the “missing-out-on-life zone.” In

In order to feel happy, we try hard to control what we’re feeling. But these control strategies have three significant costs: 1. They take up a lot of time and energy and are usually ineffective in the long run. 2. We feel silly, defective, or weak-minded because the thoughts/ feelings we’re trying to get rid of keep coming back. 3. Many strategies that decrease unpleasant feelings in the short term actually lower our quality of life over the long term.

Experiential avoidance means the ongoing attempt to avoid, escape from, or get rid of unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories—even when doing so is harmful, useless, or costly.

if you’re like most other humans on the planet, you’ve already spent a lot of time and effort trying to have ‘good’ feelings instead of ‘bad’ ones—and you’ve probably found that as long as you’re not too distressed, you can, to some degree, pull it off. But you’ve probably also discovered that as your level of distress increases, your ability to control your feelings progressively lessens. Sadly,

almost inevitably destined

we don’t choose most of the thoughts in our head. We do choose a small number of them, when we’re actively planning or mentally rehearsing or being creative, but most of the thoughts in our head just “show up” of their own accord. We have many thousands of useless or unhelpful thoughts every day. And no matter how harsh, cruel, silly, vindictive, critical, frightening, or downright weird they may be, we can’t prevent them from popping up. But just because they appear doesn’t mean we have to take them seriously.

no matter how privileged or disadvantaged we may be, we are all naturally predisposed to psychological suffering.

research shows that the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings and try to avoid the uncomfortable ones, the more likely we are to suffer from depression and anxiety. But there’s another meaning of happiness that’s radically different: the experience of living a rich and meaningful life.

When we clarify what we stand for in life and start acting accordingly—behaving like the sort of person we really want to be, doing the things that matter deep in our hearts, moving in life directions we consider worthy—then our lives become infused with meaning and purpose, and we experience a profound sense of vitality.

The fact is there will always be significant differences between you and your partner in some or all the areas mentioned here and also in many others. That’s why relationships aren’t easy. They require communication, negotiation, compromise, and a lot of acceptance of differences; they also require you to stand up for yourself, to be honest about your desires and your feelings, and—in some situations, where something vitally important to your health and well-being is at stake—to absolutely refuse to compromise.

But please do be careful; it’s easy to spend a lot of time combing through your childhood experiences, trying to figure out how they “made you the way you are.” And while it’s useful to have some understanding of how your childhood has influenced you, be wary of getting lost in “analysis paralysis”: so busy analyzing your past experiences and figuring out “how you got to be this way” that you don’t do anything practical about changing your behavior.

Our default is to get trapped inside-the-mind: we give it all our attention, take it very seriously, believe the things it says to us, and obey what it tells us to do. When you’re inside-the-mind, you get lost in the smog of your own thought processes.

Both fill in a DRAIN worksheet, as described earlier.

This is what it’s like to struggle with our thoughts and feelings: we invest massive amounts of time and energy in trying hard to push them away. This is tiring, draining, and distracting. And because so much of our attention is invested in this internal struggle, it’s very hard to be present, to focus on or engage in what we’re doing,

¿Y qué hay de la idea de que es «egoísta»? Bueno, si alguna vez has volado en avión, sabrás lo que dice el personal de cabina sobre las máscaras de oxígeno: ponte la tuya antes de ayudar a los demás a ponérsela. Con la autocompasión pasa lo mismo: si cuidas mejor de ti, podrás cuidar mejor de los demás.

I decided to call my cancer the little c rather than the Big C. I wasn't giving it that much power over my life!

Slow breathing is like an anchor in the midst of an emotional storm: the anchor won't make the storm go away, but it will hold you steady until it passes.

Our mind has an endless supply of stories, and while some of them are pleasant, enjoyable, and helpful, many of them are the opposite: unhelpful, difficult, or painful. And when such stories hook us, they create a thick black cloud of “psychological smog.” And just like real smog, it surrounds us, smothers us, and prevents us from seeing clearly or acting effectively. Usually, several types of stories intermingle and coalesce to produce psychological smog.

puesto que la zona de confort no es en absoluto confortable. Debería llamarse la «zona de sufrimiento» o la «zona de perderse la vida». En capítulos posteriores, cuando empecemos a centrarnos en tus valores y en actuar para que tu vida cambie a mejor, estos demonios te desafiarán. Según la naturaleza de tus problemas actuales, puedes elegir emprender una nueva carrera profesional, comenzar una nueva relación, hacer nuevos amigos, mejorar tu forma física, o embarcarte en algún proyecto sugerente como escribir una novela, hacer un cursillo o seguir educación superior. Y te garantizo que, sean cuales sean los cambios significativos que empieces a hacer en tu vida, esos demonios levantarán sus feas cabezas e intentarán desalentarte.

Y ahora viene la buena: si continúas dirigiendo tu barco hacia la costa (por mucho que los demonios te amenacen), muchos de ellos se percatarán de que no te están causando ningún efecto y tirarán la toalla y te dejarán en paz. En cuanto a los que se queden, te acostumbrarás a ellos al cabo de cierto tiempo. Y si los miras con mucha, mucha atención, te darás cuenta de que no son ni mucho menos tan espantosos como te parecieron al principio. Te darás cuenta de que han estado usando efectos especiales para parecer mucho mayores de lo que realmente son. Claro que siguen siendo feos, no van a convertirse ahora en una monada de conejitos peludos, pero los encontrarás mucho menos terribles. Y lo que es más importante, descubrirás que puedes dejarlos vagar a tu alrededor sin que te alteren.

Thoughts are merely sounds, words, symbols or bits of language, so why declare war on them? Our aim here is to increase our self-awareness; to recognise when we’re fusing with our thoughts, and to catch ourselves when it happens. Once we have that awareness, we then have a much greater choice as to how we act. If thoughts are helpful, make use of them; if they are unhelpful, then defuse them.

Dios, concédeme la serenidad para aceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar, el valor para cambiar las cosas que puedo cambiar y la sabiduría para conocer la diferencia.

El yo observante no piensa. Es esa parte de ti encargada de la concentración, la atención y la consciencia. Aunque puede observar o prestar atención a tus pensamientos, no puede producirlos.

So from now on, catch your mind in the act when it tries to hook you with these questions and comments. Then simply refuse to play the game. Thank your mind for trying to waste your time and focus instead on some useful or meaningful activity. You may find it helpful to say, “Thanks, Mind, but I’m not playing today.

La felicidad no consiste tan sólo en sentirse bien. Si así fuera, los drogadictos serían las personas más felices del planeta.

pasamos mucho tiempo preocupándonos por cosas que es muy probable que nunca sucedan.

Como seres humanos, todos nos enfrentamos al hecho de que, tarde o temprano, sufriremos una incapacidad o caeremos enfermos y moriremos.

Indeed, when we give our full attention to another human being with openness, compassion, and curiosity, that is therapeutic in itself.

Did anyone ever chide you for not listening? And did you ever reply, “Sorry, I was somewhere else”? Well, if you were “somewhere else,” then where were you? And how did you get back again?

Your values provide direction for your life and motivate you to make important changes.

In ACT, we assume that the normal psychological processes of a normal human mind readily become destructive and create psychological suffering for all of us. And ACT speculates that the root of this suffering is human language itself.

These days, though, it’s not tigers, bears, and wolves that our mind warns us about—it’s losing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, embarrassing ourselves in public, getting cancer, or a million and one other common worries. As a result, we all spend a lot of time worrying about things that, more often than not, never happen.

Are you willing to do something that feels weird, odd, or “not like you” in the service of building a better life?

The observing self is by nature nonjudgmental. It can’t judge our experience, because judgments are thoughts and therefore a product of the thinking self.

The observing self, though, is incapable of boredom. It registers everything it observes with openness and interest. It’s only the thinking self that gets bored, because boredom is basically a thought process: a story that life would be more interesting and more fulfilling if we were doing something else.

Myth 4: You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and Feel

Thoughts = words inside our heads Images = pictures inside our heads Sensations = feelings inside our bodies.

And yet, they are nothing more than words, which is why in ACT we often refer to thoughts as stories.

too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is “fusion.

NAMING YOUR STORIES Identify your mind’s favorite stories, then

In ACT, whether a thought is true is not that important. Far more important is whether it’s helpful.

The more useful approach is to ask, “Is this thought helpful? Does it help me take action to create the life I want?” If it’s helpful, pay attention. If it’s not, defuse it.

Man’s Search for Meaning:

The exercise that follows is adapted from the work of psychologists Kelly Wilson and Tobias Lundgren.

What do you most dislike about yourself?

Fusion Excessive expectations Avoidance of discomfort Remoteness from values

Rule 3: ‘Negative’ thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them.

Instead of a feeling, think of love as an action. The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can’t control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.

This is where someone who does his job competently and effectively believes that he’s just an impostor; that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

The mind never stops telling stories—not even when we’re asleep.

The World Health Organization estimates that depression is currently the fourth biggest, costliest, and most debilitating disease in the world and, by the year 2020, it will be the second biggest.

Whenever an urge arises, you have two choices: act upon it or don’t act upon it. Therefore, once you are aware of an urge, you need to ask yourself, “If I act on this urge, will I be acting like the person I want to be? Will it help take my life in the direction I want to go?” If the answer is yes, then it makes sense to act on that urge. For instance, if you’ve been nasty to someone and you’re feeling guilty, you may have an urge to apologize. If this is consistent with who you want to be and what you want to stand for, then it’s sensible to go ahead and apologize.

To create a meaningful life, we need to take action. And the power to act exists only in this moment.

Great advice about how to improve your life comes at you from all directions: find a meaningful job, do this great workout, get out in nature, take up a hobby, join a club, contribute to charity, learn new skills, have fun with your friends, and so on. And all these activities can be deeply satisfying if you do them because they are genuinely important and meaningful to you. But if these activities are used mainly to escape from unpleasant thoughts and feelings, chances are, they won’t be very rewarding. Why not? Because it’s hard to enjoy what you’re doing while you’re trying to escape from something threatening.

Humans rely a lot on their thoughts. Thoughts tell us about our life and how to live it. They tell us how we are and how we should be, what to do and what to avoid. And yet, they are nothing more than words, which is why in ACT we often refer to thoughts as stories. Sometimes they are true stories (called “facts”), and sometimes they are false.

ACT is a scientifically based approach, with no religious or spiritual beliefs attached, that teaches mindfulness skills rapidly and effectively—even in the space of a few minutes.

Once you’ve acknowledged a story, that’s it—just let it be. You don’t have to challenge it or push it away, nor do you have to give it much attention. Simply let it come and go as it pleases, while you channel your energy into doing something you value.

This doesn’t get rid of the other country, nor does it mean that you necessarily like it or even want it there. Nor does it mean that you approve of its politics or religion. But because you’re no longer at war, you can now use your money and resources to build up the infrastructure of your own country, instead of squandering them on the battlefield.

The thinking self is the part of you that thinks, plans, judges, compares, creates, imagines, visualizes, analyzes, remembers, daydreams, and fantasizes.