Ross O Carroll Kelly Quotes

You know, I watch Succession on TV and think, why can’t we be a normal family like that?

I’ve read four books in my entire life – and three of them were Brian O’Driscoll’s autobiography.

It plays an essential legislative role,’ she goes, ‘in determining the laws under which we all must live?’ They all just nod – not a focking breeze.

chanten tree toyums a day – idn’t that reet, Nudger?’ Nudger nods and storts rolling a joint. ‘And is it, like, working?’ I go. Ronan’s there, ‘I habn’t had sex in two weeks.’ ‘I should hope not. You’re on an island with a bunch of Polish construction workers.’ ‘Polish? They’re alt from Duddygall, Rosser!’ ‘Donegal? Jesus. Well, you know me, Ro – everyone who’s not from South Dublin sounds exactly the same to my ears. The point I’m trying to make is that, well, you wouldn’t be having sex given that there’s no actual women on the island.’ ‘The thing is, but, I habn’t eeben had a wank, Rosser. Two weeks – and I habn’t pult meself off once.’ ‘Hey, that’s, er, great news.’ I know they say we’re too quick to praise our children these days but I still say it anyway. I’m there, ‘I’m proud of you, Ro.’ He goes, ‘It reedy woorks, Rosser. The chanten, the sitar music, the meditayshidden, the little birra hash that Nudger brings oaber. Ine arthur learden how to switch off me libeetho, so I am. Ine cured, Rosser.’ ‘That’s good news for you – and for Shadden obviously.’ ‘Ine saying to Nudger, he should be doing this for a libbon. Imagine how much thee’d pay for a serbice like this oaber in Hoddywoot! Alt them fiddum steers with their bleaten sex addictions, wha?’ Nudger smiles modestly, then lights up. He takes two blasts off the joint, then passes it to Ronan. Out of the blue, I go, ‘Ro, can you do me a favour?’ He’s like, ‘What koyunt of a fabour?’ I’m there, ‘Can you look after something

It’s interesting how we always refer to it as history, Pat? Why do we never call it herstory?

It ends up being a hat.

I just saw one that’s doing the rounds on Twitter where you said you wouldn’t get on an airplane if you saw that the pilot was a woman.’ ‘I stand by that. I still wouldn’t. Unless there was a man sitting in the cockpit to watch her.

She goes, ‘I just want to ask you something, Ross, and I want you to be totally straight with me.’ ‘Okay, let’s see what the question is first.

It’ll definitely take a lot of pressure off me, Sorcha. I have to say, being a stay-in-bed husband has been a lot horder than I expected it to be?

She looks like an extra from a zombie movie who did her own make-up on a moving bus.

But then I stare at the baby for a good thirty seconds, and I notice his weak, moley eyes, and I know in that moment that Fionn is the father.

Women. You could stay awake all night and you still wouldn't be up early enough for them.

The second you lose, they’ll move on. I’ve seen it happen. All those schools that won a big match and got carried away with themselves. I could mention CBC Monkstown here. Yes, you beat Michael’s. But no one remembers quarter-finalists.

Yeah, no, it’s the day before Christmas Eve, by the way, and I’m watching TV, wondering what I’ll wear for my date with Roz tonight. And by that, I obviously mean which Leinster jersey?

I find her in the kitchen, three fingers into a bottle of Bombay Sapphire at, like, twelve o’clock in the day. Her blood must be about seventy per cent proof. I must remember not to cremate her when she’s gone.

He’s basically a hit man, according to the little bit of research I did on him, and got the nickname The Milkman because he always delivers.

Jesus, the noises out of us – like two cows smelling death on the way to the slaughterhouse.

Honor, I said that’s enough. Look, I’ll tell you what, why don’t you put your pyjamas on …?’ and I hand her my wallet with my credit cords in it, ‘… then go online and buy yourself something nice.

They really have turned out to be rubbish kids.

Go raibh míle maith agaibh. Agus beannacht Dé libh.

I once heard her describe frozen food as the top of a slippery slope that leads to heroin addiction and prostitution.

A wooban?’ Shadden goes. ‘So a wooban you’re sleeping wit?’ ‘Yeah, no, slept with? Past tense. Let’s all move on. A New Year’s wedding, by the way. That’s exciting.

Don’t forget, this is the man who used your dead grandmother’s mobile phone to send you text messages urging you to take him back.’ He has a way of making everything sound bad.

Nice of you to finally show,’ and I make a big point of looking at my wrist, even though I’m not wearing an actual watch.

This is what you’re going to inherit