Ronnie Barker Quotes

He was a good guy, my old man: simple, old-fashioned. Physically, he was built like a feather-weight, and he wore these thick, black Ronnie Barker glasses. He would say to me,‘You might not have a good education, but good manners don’t cost you anything.’ And he practised what he preached: he’d always give up his seat on the bus for a woman or help an old lady across the road. A good man. I really miss him.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned.

It was the tail end of summer. It was the beginning of winter. It was autumn, formally, but Ronny hated gradations.

He saw the guiding light in his life as a palpable indifference. A supreme, a superb, a spectacular indifference. Ronny shrugged. "If you ate less you might feel better about things. The way I see it, the less you eat, the less energy you have to expend on unnecessary stuff. If you were hungry you probably wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in what I did or didn't do.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go in.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

Don't just crit there siticising.

My wife tries not to bring out the beast in me -she's afraid of mice.

If I was as rich as a Rockerfeller I'd be Richer than Rockefeller, because I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the side.

In a packed program tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

I really have a nice step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

It was one of those years when God bent over and kissed California.

I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

You can tell a lot about someone's personality if you know his star sign. Jesus was born on December 25th, fed five thousand, and walked on water --typical Capricorn.

If you drop a Bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the Bible isn't all good.

I never saw my granddad --he was excellent at hiding.