Ronnie Barker Quotes

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

He was a good guy, my old man: simple, old-fashioned. Physically, he was built like a feather-weight, and he wore these thick, black Ronnie Barker glasses. He would say to me,‘You might not have a good education, but good manners don’t cost you anything.’ And he practised what he preached: he’d always give up his seat on the bus for a woman or help an old lady across the road. A good man. I really miss him.

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

I really have a nice step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant the other day called 'Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go in.

In a packed program tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned.

Don't just crit there siticising.

There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

If I was as rich as a Rockerfeller I'd be Richer than Rockefeller, because I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the side.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

It was one of those years when God bent over and kissed California.

You can tell a lot about someone's personality if you know his star sign. Jesus was born on December 25th, fed five thousand, and walked on water --typical Capricorn.

If you drop a Bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the Bible isn't all good.

I never saw my granddad --he was excellent at hiding.

He saw the guiding light in his life as a palpable indifference. A supreme, a superb, a spectacular indifference. Ronny shrugged. "If you ate less you might feel better about things. The way I see it, the less you eat, the less energy you have to expend on unnecessary stuff. If you were hungry you probably wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in what I did or didn't do.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

My wife tries not to bring out the beast in me -she's afraid of mice.

It was the tail end of summer. It was the beginning of winter. It was autumn, formally, but Ronny hated gradations.

I first met Ronnie Corbett at the Buckstone, over a drink. Well I was over it and he was under it. A voice came out of thin air and I thought it was the drink talking, until something made me peer over the other side of the bar - and there he was,