Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Quotes

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was always depressed, but I could tell a joke and get a laugh. But not from my mother. She never thought my jokes were funny.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.

We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

The day my wife and I got married—that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor—it was self-service.

A belly button is good for only one thing: when you’re lying in bed eating celery, it’s a place to put the salt.

I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they’re the last ones to know about it.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find him. I don’t know what he looks like.

I’m at the age now, when I meet a woman sixty years old, she’s too young for me.

I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

In my life I’ve been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

I was an ugly kid. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. There was nobody home.

This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: “They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? “One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, ‘Son, someday none of this will be yours.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD Flaw: Obnoxious Blind Spot: Thinks he’s charming Attitude: Frustrated Agenda: To convince you he’s unappreciated, getting a raw deal, and deserves respect

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.