Pia Mellody Quotes

A healthy boundary creates controlled vulnerability.

Recovery from codependence is a lot like a growing up process - we must learn to do the things our dysfunctional parents did not teach us to do: appropriately esteem ourselves, set functional boundaries, be aware of and acknowledge our reality, take care of our adult needs and wants, and experience our reality moderately.

The best thing we can do for our adult children is to get into recovery for ourselves and set them free to find their own way to recovery.

I have discovered that we, codependents, are very hard to treat. I resisted doing anything people suggested that might have gotten me into recovery sooner. It wasn`t until I experienced enough pain to become willing to do anything to change that I would try their suggestions.

They say that the spiritual path is straight and narrow, but I used to wonder about that. I used to think that the spiritual path was about being good. It was hard to be good because there were only a few ways of being good. I have since learned the opposite. The spiritual path is straight and narrow because all it takes is moving into a lie to make you absolutely step off of it.

Through the years I found two things that clearly tune in the radio station: one is truth and the other one is love. When we tell ourselves the truth instead of lies, we are automatically tuning in Higher Power energy. In choosing truth, we choose to be loving to self and others; then the radio station is absolutely, perfectly clear.

According to Pia Mellody, when “one parent has a relationship with the child that is more important than the relationship he or she has with the spouse, and that parent has unresolved sexual issues, a strong possibility exists that the child will be emotionally sexually abused.

Codependents don`t just wake up one day saying "I think I'll move over into maturity and mental health

Not knowing how to be moderate is possibly the most visible symptom of codependence to other people. (...) In other words codependents simply don't appear to understand what moderation is. They are either totally involved or totally detached, totally happy or absolutely miserable, etc. The codependent believes a moderate response to a situation isn't "enough". Only too much is enough.

From the viewpoint of traumatized children, the phrase “matters of life and death” is not a metaphor—it is the urgent reality of their instinct to live. It is irresistible as an instinct, and, short of grace, there is nothing so powerful. The children instinctively feel that they depend on the care of their parents for life. In that life-and-death situation, they must learn to find their place in the life-giving system, even if the hindsight of adulthood shows their adaptation to have been spiritually crippling.

It may be hard to hear, but victim thinking is actually self-centered. If you’re stuck in a victim mindset, you feel one down, helpless, and at the mercy of others. From this place you perceive yourself as the target of unfortunate events and other people. You may interpret random events as being about your exceptionally bad luck or as a sign that other people are out to get you. You become “terminally unique” in your outlook and you may even become paranoid. When you take on the role of victim as an identity or a badge of honor, you are actively participating in your victimization and disowning your authentic personal power. “You are only a victim for a nanosecond.” —Pia Mellody

Like all the other defense mechanisms, delusion is invisible to us, making it a serious problem: we don't know we are deluded. We live in an unreal world based on our delusions, but we see that unreal world as reality. Because we can't afford to hear the facts about our lives as they really are, we often get very angry with people who try to point out any fallacies in our delusions. This position leaves us very vulnerable, since both reality itself and anyone with a strong sense of reality tend to threaten the view we have of our world. People in delusion tend to isolate themselves from those who might reveal the truth about their lives.

When children are born, they have five natural characteristics that make them authentic human beings: children are valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent, and immature. All children are born with these attributes. Functional parents help their children to develop each separate characteristic properly, so that they arrive in adulthood as mature, functional adults who feel good about themselves. In addition, children have three other qualities that make it possible for them to mature properly or to survive and cope in spite of remarkable abuse: (1) children must be centered on themselves to develop internally; (2) they are full of boundless energy in order to do the very hard work of growing up; and (3) they are adaptable, so that they can easily go through the maturation process that requires constant adjusting and change. A functional family accepts these traits in their children and supports the children as they move through each stage of development.

Pia Mellody, spoke of the Adaptive Child as a “kid in grown-up’s clothing.” The Adaptive Child is a child’s version of an adult, the you that you cobbled together in the absence of healthy parenting. Here’s a chart detailing the traits of the Adaptive Child, as distinct from the Wise Adult.

Codependence is the disease of excessively pleasing others at the expense of your own needs, and it stems from the effects of a childhood filled with unduly painful, exaggerated, or frozen feelings. It can be treated by embracing your own history and your feelings about the less-than-nurturing events of your past.