Phyllis Diller Quotes

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas card

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows: Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your f****** Xmas card I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous?

A smile is a curve that sets things right.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~Phyllis Diller

When mothers or fathers use harsh criticism as a means to keep their kids out of trouble (“don’t be so stupid or you’ll get run over by a car”), or to improve their behavior (“you’ll never get into college if you keep getting such pathetic grades”), children assume that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool. As comedian Phyllis Diller notes, “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” Unsurprisingly, research shows that individuals who grow up with highly critical parents in childhood are much more likely to be critical toward themselves as adults.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 months telling them to sit down and be quiet.

I stood with a hot dog in my hand, the sun blazing off my coppery-dyed hair, and I laughed nonchalantly, but it came out as a Phyllis Diller bray that abraded my own ears.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law. —MARK TWAIN The only reason my mother-in-law wasn’t on Noah’s Ark was because they couldn’t find another animal that looked like her. —PHYLLIS DILLER, AMERICAN COMEDIAN AND ACTRESS

Creo que fue la actriz y cómica estadounidense Phyllis Diller quien dijo que nos pasamos los tres primeros años de vida de nuestro hijo enseñándole a caminar y a hablar, y los siguientes doce años en la escuela diciéndole que se siente y se calle.