People Pleaser Quotes

Trust your gut. Not your heart, because it’s a people pleaser, and not your brain, because it relies too heavily on logic.

You will never gain anyone's approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don't let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.

Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.

Life can get fucked up fast when you try to be a pleaser. Because people won't ever be pleased, not even if you drop them ass-first into paradise. They like bitching too much.

Immoral people debating the existence of God is always a crowd pleaser.

Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space they occupy. They wonder why others often fail to treat them with respect--not realizing that they have signalled others that it is not necessary to treat them with respect.

Today Lord I am going to do my best with Your help and for Your glory. I realize that there are many different people in the world with a variety of opinions and expectations. I will concentrate on being a God-pleaser and not a self-pleaser or man-pleaser. The rest I leave in Your hands lord. Grant me favor with You and with men and continue transforming me into the image of Your dear Son. Thank You Lord.

Being nice is the worst thing a woman can be. Nice means you have to swallow your own feelings and focus on everyone else's. Nice means you don't speak up when you're wronged. Nice means being a people pleaser and a conciliator and worrying yourself to death over others' opinions. Nice means never getting what you really want.... Authentic. Genuine. Live your truth. Let others live theirs. Don't kiss anyone's ass, but don't be an asshole, either.

Unlike me, Renee was not shy; she was a real people-pleaser. She worried way too much what people thought of her, wore her heart on her sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt too easily. She kept other people's secrets like a champ, but told her own too fast. She expected the world not to cheat her and was always surprised when it did.

I assumed that people weren't doing their best so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed, which was easier than setting boundaries. Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun, and flexible.

I don’t want you to be a people-pleaser; you need to stand up for what you want and what you believe.

For the people pleasers. Sometimes, it’s okay to be a little selfish.

I really can't stand it when people are angry at me. Like, I know it might be simple for others, but I can't focus on anything else. I can't just forget about it and go on with my own life. It's like there's something hard wedged inside my own chest. I'll always feel guilty. I'll always want to make amends.

I had nothing to contribute. I played no part. I was on the edge. Different. Alone. Everything around me, grey. It was the same old feeling, back again. I was in the middle of the group but I might as well have been a million miles away from these people.

Mother often described herself as a pleaser: she said she couldn’t stop herself from speculating what people wanted her to be, and from contorting herself, compulsively, unwillingly, into whatever it was.

I’m direct,” Big Swiss admitted, “because I don’t care if people like me. I distrust people-pleasers. They seem phony to me, and dangerous.

My anxiety causes me to be a people pleaser. My anxiety causes me to take the picture and sign my autograph and say it’s a good one. But underneath that anxiety is a deep, unearthed combination of feelings that I fear to face. I fear that I’m bitter. I’m too young to be bitter. Especially as a result of a life that people supposedly envy. And I fear that I resent my mother. The person I have lived for. My idol. My role model. My one true love.

I am not a people pleaser. I am not a person who says things because she thinks it will make the other person happy, nor am I a person who offers things she cannot deliver because I want the other person to like me.

And that's the thing about people. You can wrap them up in kindness & love, and they will still have something cold to say about you.

People pleasers make the best victims. I see it all the time at work.

As a people pleaser you need to learn to set boundaries and love people without being their slave. Only please people to the level they please you.

Without our anger we become doormats and people pleasers. In childhood you were most likely severely shamed and punished when you expressed anger.

The Italian neofascists were learning from the U.S. reactionaries how to achieve fascism's class goals within the confines of quasi-democratic forms: use an upbeat, Reaganesque optimism; replace the jackbooted militarists with media-hyped crowd pleasers; convince people that government is the enemy - especially its social service sector - while strengthening the repressive capacities of the state; instigate racist hostility and antagonisms between the resident population and immigrants; preach the mythical virtues of the free market; and pursue tax and spending measures that redistribute income upward.

People pleasers often have no idea what they want, what their needs are, or what their boundaries look like. Everything is just about making sure others are happy. They can view any issue from another person’s perspective, making excuses for others while offering themselves none of the same flexibility.

I wish I’d been here to see Summer go off on them. Her caretaker side is strong. But as much of a people pleaser as she might be, she has this vicious streak. This protective streak. And I fucking live for that.

there was something intimidating about Harrison. His face in repose looked to me like it was closer to a scowl than to any other expression. It was immediately clear that he was no people pleaser; this was more of a people unsettler.

If the person you're talking with continues to press you for more or can't seem to accept your answer, then you are being harassed. I know that sounds hard for people-pleasers to accept, but it's true. No means no.

The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” - Warren Buffett Part I The People-Pleasing Habit Think of a friend or acquaintance whom you’d consider to be a typical people pleaser.

How poetic of you. I’ll put it in my bio. Halle Jacobs: Aspiring author. Professional people pleaser. Calm like a well-fed panda.” “Halle Jacobs: Actual author. Excellent baker. Calm like a well-fed panda. Best ass in LA.

I’m a people pleaser” is the routine self-description of ADD adults. “I’m always so conscious of what the other person might need from me. I feel guilty if I disappoint someone. I can never say no.” Or, “I am the kind of person whom everyone calls to tell their troubles to. I can’t do that myself, though. I would feel guilty, thinking of all the people in the world who have suffered much more than I can even imagine. I shouldn’t need help.” To

People-pleasers feel they must constantly be performing acts of service to others to gain acceptance. That requires a lot of work, effort, and energy. From the book: Removing Your Shame Label.

Many young women are less whole and androgynous than they were at age ten. They are more appearance-conscious and sex-conscious. They are quieter, more fearful of holding strong opinions, more careful what they say and less honest. They are more likely to second-guess themselves and to be self-critical. They are bigger worriers and more effective people pleasers. They are less likely to play sports, love math and science and plan on being president. They hide their intelligence. Many must fight for years to regain all the territory they lost.

I was once again, Miss Alexandria Charles Montague Collins, the flawless proper lady, pretentious to the help, and people pleaser—the well-bred Southern belle who wore the mask of perfection because no one wanted to see the truth underneath.

Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that no matter how good a person you are, no matter how much you try to understand others, be empathetic, or reach out to help, some people just will not like you. Ever.

Nobody applauds nature, yet she still glows.

People pleasers, however, tend to overlook the reality that others are responsible

You’re a people pleaser, aren’t you? You’re the type that can’t stand someone not liking you and showing it.” Raising his head, he laughed openly now. “That’s just...” I wanted to take a book from the shelf beside me and throw it at him. “I don’t even have a word—” “Then I suggest you read a little more so you can find the word you’re looking for.” He hid his chuckle behind a fist.

The results of my work don't have much to do with me. I can only be in charge of producing the work itself. That's a hard enough job. I refuse to take on additional jobs, such as trying to police what anybody thinks about my work once it leaves my desk.

Remember to draw a line between being nice in a strong way and simply being a people pleaser. Nice: Positive, yet honest and straightforward. People pleaser: Sweeping things under the rug to avoid making waves.

Why can’t a young lady, learn how to cook, clean and wash clothes so she can learn how to take care of herself? It is imperative that a young lady should know how to love and take care of herself first before she feels she can love and take care of anyone else. That is where the mistakes begin. A young lady is brought up to put others first. This is when a woman grows up and plays the fool for others because her self-worth was never built on solid ground. Instead, it was built on being a “people pleaser” and putting her life on the back burner. Consequently, her feelings didn’t matter, and her thoughts didn’t exist because for so long she was taught to put other people before herself. The question that is never asked is, what happens when a woman (who was once a young lady groomed to give every ounce of herself) loses herself to the point where she has to find a way to dig herself out of the deepest hole? This seems impossible. She doesn’t know how because she wasn’t ever taught how to express her feelings, troubles, and/or grieve.

To be a people's pleaser is a dangerous game and to be truthful makes you unpopular, which one are you gonna choose?

The challenge of being authentic for people pleasers is that we really want people to like and accept us. Being vulnerable, however, requires that we come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like us, and that it is okay. Not everyone needs to like us.

If life is a movie most people would consider themselves the star of their own feature. Guys might imagine they're living some action adventure epic. Chicks maybe are in a rose-colored fantasy romance. And homosexuals are living la vida loca in a fabulous musical. Still others may take the indie approach and think of themselves as an anti-hero in a coming of age flick. Or a retro badass in an exploitation B movie. Or the cable man in a very steamy adult picture. Some people's lives are experimental student art films that don't make any sense. Some are screwball comedies. Others resemble a documentary, all serious and educational. A few lives achieve blockbuster status and are hailed as a tribute to the human spirit. Some gain a small following and enjoy cult status. And some never got off the ground due to insufficient funding. I don't know what my life is but I do know that I'm constantly squabbling with the director over creative control, throwing prima donna tantrums and pouting in my personal trailor when things don't go my way. Much of our lives is spent on marketing. Make-up, exercise, dieting, clothes, hair, money, charm, attitude, the strut, the pose, the Blue Steel look. We're like walking billboards advertising ourselves. A sneak peek of upcoming attractions. Meanwhile our actual production is in disarray--we're over budget, doing poorly at private test screenings and focus groups, creatively stagnant, morale low. So we're endlessly tinkering, touching up, editing, rewriting, tailoring ourselves to best suit a mass audience. There's like this studio executive in our heads telling us to cut certain things out, make it "lighter," give it a happy ending, and put some explosions in there too. Kids love explosions. And the uncompromising artist within protests: "But that's not life!" Thus the inner conflict of our movie life: To be a palatable crowd-pleaser catering to the mainstream... or something true to life no matter what they say?

I had never before considered that people near me might have problems that were not caused by me. I had been created to please people. If the people around me weren't happy, I must be doing something wrong. Lynn helped me see that I lacked the power to make other people feel anything.

Enlightenment humanism, then, is far from being a crowd-pleaser. The idea that the ultimate good is to use knowledge to enhance human welfare leaves people cold. Deep explanations of the universe, the planet, life, the brain? Unless they use magic, we don't want to believe them! Saving the lives of billions, eradicating disease, feeding the hungry? Bo-ring. People extending their compassion to all of humankind? Not good enough—we want the laws of physics to care about us! Longevity, health, understanding, beauty, freedom, love? There's got to be more to life than that!

Only on one condition,” she said, now taking a step closer to him for a change. “I’m a recovering people pleaser, especially when it comes to men. If I give this place a try, I want it to be all about me, so I can finally figure out what kind of man I really want and what I like in bed. We got a deal?

And other times—too often, maybe—I don't dare have an opinion in case it upsets anyone.

The key to having fewer disappointments in life is to stop pleasing people. Your true calling is to please God.

Moment of Insight: People pleasers often start off as parent or family pleasers.

People pleasers have some kind of genetic makeup deep in the marrow of their bones that just knows when something is off.

People pleasers can give from dawn to dusk, but they rarely accept help, even when they're sick." Author, V J SMITH, BEING NICE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH BARNES AND NOBE NOOK BOOKS

If you’re going to be a people pleaser, then the first person you need to please is yourself.

He genuinely wants to fix it. For people like us. And he’s not perfect—he’s a little naïve, he’s a people pleaser—but I also know we’re better off that it’s him in office versus some other crooked motherfucker.

I wasn’t ‘pure,’” I say reflexively. “I was just . . .” “Shy, and reserved, and focused. A bit of a people pleaser. Afraid that your dad would get mad at you and leave you if you screwed up.” He stares at me like he sees me. Like he has been seeing me all along.

When people pleasers go too far in their pleasant ways, they may inadvertently be guilty of encouraging others to continue in selfish or disrespectful behavior. Instead of receiving kind gestures with a spirit of gratitude, some people respond with an attitude of entitlement.

A parent who always had to argue and be right, so the people pleaser learns to sacrifice their own opinions in order to keep the peace A parent with anger issues, so the people pleaser learns to anticipate bad moods and calm them before it escalates to rage A parent with addiction or alcoholism issues, so the people pleaser learns to manage another person’s illness A parent with borderline personality, so the people pleaser learns to soothe and comfort inappropriate dramatic crises and pity stories A parent with control issues and rigid rules, so the people pleaser learns to just do what they want to avoid unpleasant reactions A parent with depression or anxiety, so the people pleaser feels sorry for them and responsible for always being happy and cheering them up Parents who fight all the time, so the people pleaser learns to detect an argument brewing and rushes to quell things before a fight ensues One final, and very common, trigger for people pleasing is a cluster-B relationship. When you enter a relationship where everything is all about the other person, your focus may remain stuck externally.

When Jesus said, “Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets” (Luke 6:26), he was saying, “Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic people pleaser.” If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.

Being nice is the worst thing a woman can be. Nice means you have to swallow your own feelings and focus on everyone else’s. Nice means you don’t speak up when you’re wronged. Nice means being a people pleaser and a conciliator and worrying yourself to death over others’ opinions. Nice means never getting what you really want.

Masked Autistics are frequently compulsive people pleasers. We present ourselves as cheery and friendly, or nonthreatening and small. Masked Autistics are also particularly likely to engage in the trauma response that therapist Pete Walker describes as “fawning.”[53] Coping with stress doesn’t always come down to fight versus flight; fawning is a response designed to pacify anyone who poses a threat. And to masked Autistics, social threat is just about everywhere. “Fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves,” Walker writes, “by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other.”[54]

Samantha has no needs or wants. She exists to serve someone else's.

I would rather lose with people and win with God; rather than lose with God and win with people. We are born to please God and serve people

If a parent like this raises you, it’s easy to see why you turn into a classic people-pleaser when you become an adult. You grow up thinking that all love is conditional

Trying to please everyone is like trying to fly. Take it from me, worst experience ever.

Cynthia Kersey reminds us, “The negative comments of others merely reflect their limitations—not yours.

The desire to please people is the desire to not be singular.

11 ways to support your evolution: read more meditate daily say no more often be a clear communicator decrease your screen time let your top goals take priority connect with people who inspire you be kind but don't be a people pleaser remember that rest supports creativity don't let your past control your present let go of competition so you can be yourself

That was the thing about Lilah that had always scared the shit out of him: that she was fully, terrifyingly, immutably herself, whether anyone else liked it or not. Whether they liked her or not. She was fearless in a way that he, a people pleaser to his core, could never be, which from the very beginning had intimidated him ten times more than her already formidable talent.

a sincere heart,  x as you would Christ, 6not by the way of eye-service, as  y people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man,

If you’re the person who had to file for divorce, don’t accept the Bad Guy status your kids and your cheating ex may try to inflict on you. Chumps are often people pleasers who don’t want to let anyone down (despite being grievously let down themselves). Please don’t assume responsibility for your partner’s cheating. Divorce is a consequence. You break the rules, you pay the consequences. Even a fourth-grader understands that. Although it’s terrifically sad that they ever have to.

The words people say speak more about them than they do about you. If you can keep that in mind the next time someone tries to criticize your life and your choices, you won’t take their words to heart or make them mean anything about who you are as a person.

In the valley, Faye tried to stop her ears against the constant gossip of a small town, whose opinions pushed in through the windows and crept under the doors. Mother often described herself as a pleaser: she said she couldn’t stop herself from speculating what people wanted her to be, and from contorting herself, compulsively, unwillingly, into whatever it was. Living in her respectable house in the center of town, crowded by four other houses, each so near anyone could peer through the windows and whisper a judgment, Faye felt trapped.

The whole framework of the presidency is getting out of hand. It's come to the point where you almost can't run unless you can cause people to salivate and whip on each other with big sticks. You almost have to be a rock star to get the kind of fever you need to survive in American politics . . . The main problem in any democracy is that crowd-pleasers are generally brainless swine who can go out on a stage and whup their supporters into an orgiastic frenzy--then go back to the office and sell every one of the poor bastards down the tube for a nickel apiece.

The entire United States government had been drifting that way for some time—management jobs once done by career civil servants being turned into roles performed by people appointed by the president. One of the problems this created was management inexperience: the average tenure of the appointees fluctuated between eighteen months and two years, depending on the administration. Another was the kind of person the job now selected for. There would be exceptions, of course, but the odds favored the pleaser. The person who did not present risks to the White House’s political operation.

As a reflect on my life, here is what I have learned, how I have grown, and how I've been transformed. Little Dana as a child may have been a people-pleaser. She may have been a vulnerable, naive girl who was controlled by her mean-spirited family members. But that little girl doesn’t exist. Not anymore.

In the valley, Faye tried to stop her ears against the constant gossip of a small town, whose opinions pushed in through the windows and crept under the doors. Mother often described herself as a pleaser: she said she couldn’t stop herself from speculating what people wanted her to be, and from contorting herself, compulsively, unwillingly, into whatever it was.

This healing isn’t a one-time event; it is a process of rededicating ourselves to ourselves, over and over again. Every time we redirect our attention back to our feelings, our desires, and our dreams, we are healing. Every time we soothe ourselves through our guilt instead of reacting to it, we are healing. Every time we use our voice where we would have once stayed silent, we are healing.

Wyn and Harriet’s version of a comedy of remarriage looks a bit different. Their history is less gags and hijinks, and more quiet failures, small untruths, imagined slights, accumulations of little hurts. And sure, miscommunication. Which we all hate. We hate it so much we’ve come to consider it a trope in itself. Just talk about it, we scream at our books and TVs. But in real life, for many of us, confrontation is terrifying. The thought of telling someone they hurt us, or asking if we’ve hurt them—starting a conversation whose ending we can’t predict—is terrifying. Even if we can’t name the thing we’re so afraid of on the other end. Being rejected? Knowing for certain that the person we care about doesn’t care for us in the same way? Deepening a shallow cut past the point of being able to heal? I think, sometimes, we are simply afraid to need. We’re afraid that if we ask too much, if we bare our tenderest wounds and show our ugliest sides, we’ll find out that we aren’t lovable. That we can only keep the ones we love around us as long as we cost them nothing, create no burden. That, at least I think, is the plight of the people pleaser. And though I set out to write one kind of story (and hopefully, on some level, succeeded!), that’s what Happy Place has really come to be about: the ways in which we fail ourselves, cut ourselves off from true, deep, fulfilling joy by trying to bend ourselves into acceptable shapes. This book, like every novel I’ve written so far, has been a kind of exorcism. It’s helped me look more closely at my own relationships, most especially my relationship to myself, and the ways in which I’ve tended to fail myself.

While I sobbed into the greens, I wondered how Brandon, standing a few feet away at the pizza oven, could handle the onslaught of tickets. Answer: he's an East Coaster. In a pinch, he has access to such concepts as 'Fuck 'em', and 'Let 'em wait', and 'I'm working as fast as I can here.' I am a people-pleaser from Oklahoma, where life is placid enough that it's considered song-worthy to watch a hawk making lazy circles in the sky.

I'd tried so hard. Given my all to be the perfect Elsie he wanted and..." It almost hurts too much to say it. "You gave him a perfect version of you, and he still didn't want you," Jack says prosaically. Almost detached. Like I'm a gravitational singularity that can be explained, cataloged, predicted. I'm momentarily stunned by how right he is. Then I'm surprised that I'm even surprised. "And what you took away from it was that you had to try harder.

It’s the part of myself that I’m most ashamed of. I’m like a chameleon. And I hate it. I hate that I’m not strong enough to just be myself. I hate that I’m such a people-pleaser that I’ll change my whole personality just to be liked; but for the life of me, I don’t know how to stop it. It just happens.” She shrugs awkwardly. “When I’m alone, I’m myself. I get to be me. So I think I’m better off alone. At least until I work out how to stay true to myself.

Unlike the people-pleaser, who worries himself sick when he senses that he may have displeased someone by his words (or actions), the person who pleases God knows how to dismiss such anxiety with the assurance that he has, in fact, said (or done) that which pleases God. . . . if he knows that he hasn’t sinned, he does not worry or fret about the consequences of his actions. He trusts God to use what he has said or done for His glory, and he knows that God is causing all things to work together for his own good.

Imagine a situation where you are too small to win a fight and unable to run away. In this case, the brain and the rest of the body prepare for injury. Your heart rate goes down. You release your body’s own painkiller—opioids. You disengage from the external world and psychologically flee into your inner world. Time seems to slow. You may feel like you are in a movie, or floating and watching things happen to you. This is all part of another adaptive capability, called dissociation. For babies and very young children, dissociation is a very common adaptive strategy; fighting or fleeing won’t protect you, but “disappearing” might. You learn to escape into your inner world. You dissociate. And over time, your capacity to retreat to that inner world—safe, free, in control—increases. A key part of that sensitized ability to dissociate is to be a people pleaser. You comply with what others want. You find yourself doing things to avoid conflict, to ensure that the other person in the interaction is pleased, as well as gravitating toward various regulating, but dissociative, activities.

Honesty is #1. If someone is repeatedly dishonest, you eventually won’t trust a single thing they say. If you’re honest in big things, little things, easy things, hard things, people will learn to value your word, even if it isn’t always what they wanted to hear. Consistency means that you can take someone at their word. Maybe not every single time, but most of the time. Inconsistency may not be a case of outright lying, but of indecision or being easily persuaded. This can look like the same thing as lying from the outside. It is very difficult to determine when you cannot trust someone like this, because when you speak with them, they seem so genuine in that moment. And they are. In that moment. But then they are just as genuine when someone else says something and they change to that opinion just as fast. “People pleasers” can often do this because they are fearful of disagreeing with anyone or any type of conflict. They will then inadvertently triangulate people and then they will think they are the victim in the scenario they created because they were “just trying to make everyone happy.

Are you single?” The second the words leave my lips, I hate myself for saying them. They’re enough to make him draw away ever so slightly. I hear the bristling of his stubble against his palm as he scrubs a hand over his mouth. “Yes. Are you?” I keep my eyes low; my breathing feels labored. Like it’s hard work to keep from collapsing under the weight of his stare. “I don’t know.” And it’s true. I’ve spent so long being a people pleaser— avoiding making any waves—that I’m terrified of disappointing the people I care about. But I know I’m done. I’ve finally come to terms with it. But telling Ford before I tell Ryan would be shitty. Where Ford and my personal life are concerned, vague is better. Safer. He stands, calmly unfurling his powerful body, before stepping right in front of me and bending down to my level. His lips are a breath away, his eyes so deep and searching I can’t hold his gaze. Slowly, his hand comes up to grip my ponytail—just like he did the other night. But tonight, with one slow tug, he guides my head back so I’m forced to look at him. “Next time you ask me that, make sure you are.

Most people will likely encounter Ingeborg’s showy Display variants: the decorative fill and shadow of Block, and the buxom swashes of Fat Italic. These are indeed finely crafted crowd-pleasers, but the typeface’s more important contribution to typography is in the text weights. Michael Hochleitner managed to comfortably combine the neoclassical glamour of Didones, the readability of other Rational typefaces like the Scotch Romans, and the sturdiness of a slab serif. The result is a very original design that is both beautiful and practical. Good for: Books. Magazines. Substance and style.

The Italian neofascists were learning from the U.S. reactionaries how to achieve fascism’s class goals within the confines of quasidemocratic forms: use an upbeat, Reaganesque optimism; replace the jackbooted militarists with media-hyped crowd pleasers; convince people that government is the enemy—especially its social service sector—while strengthening the repressive capacities of the state; instigate racist hostility and antagonisms between the resident population and immigrants; preach the mythical virtues of the free market; and pursue tax and spending measures that redistribute income upward.

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved. But in people-pleasers, this need is amplified to the extent that they will bend over backward just to not lose that love or acceptance. They are driven by avoiding negative consequences rather than creating positive possibilities. Additionally, they feel that they are always on the brink of rejection, so this urgency causes a type of panic that is characterized by doing anything possible. People-pleasing is a defensive act, whereas genuine concern and generosity are affirmative practices.

In therapy I fretted I didn’t know how to choose my own partner, folding and refolding my hands as I worked it out. Holding boundaries, so different from setting them, was unfamiliar and I could be easily talked out of an opinion or preference in order to support harmony, or his older wisdom, or male logic. As someone who loved spreadsheets and organization, he also loved systems and rules of convention. I tucked away some of my bold ideas of what freedom looked like and rested in the illusion of safety that came from this is how it’s done. Insecure, I taught my kids to go along with what he wanted, a fawning people-pleaser yet uncured.

As concepts like people-pleasing and self-care become more mainstream, complex ideas like boundaries are often diluted in ways that ultimately discourage us from building healthy relationships. We’re told that if someone doesn’t bring us “love and light at all times,” we should “cut them out.” We’re told that if someone disagrees with us, we should leave them behind to “protect our peace.” We’re told that if someone can’t meet every single one of our needs, we “deserve better.” These one-dimensional platitudes ignore the reality that human relationships are complicated. They impede our healing by encouraging us to seek an unattainable standard, and they prevent us from looking inward to assess how we may be contributing to our own unhappiness or disempowerment.

I can’t mess up because then people will think I’m a joke. I can’t mess up because then people won’t ever forget it, and they won’t let me forget it either. I can’t mess up because people will think that’s all I am—a mess. Once those lies are in play, these next ones follow: I have to do whatever it takes to not mess up. I have to do whatever it takes to cover up any mess I do make. It’s better to sweep anything I’m struggling with under the rug, out of sight. And then there’s the final lie of the Lonelies, the one that keeps you isolated and alone: Once I hide my faults and my messes, I will be at no risk of rejection, ridicule, or hurt. That’s probably the most epic lie of the Lonelies, because hiding doesn’t remove those risks at all and only keeps you alone and afraid, terrified of what someone might find out. Here’s another thing I’ve learned, and it’s not fun. Not letting you see me mess up is also about pride. I get it. It doesn’t feel like pride, does it? In many ways, it feels the exact opposite. I can’t let you see me mess up because I already feel plenty bad about myself, and I don’t want to give you any reason to pile on. But when you stop and think about it, there is a dose of pride mixed in there. I need you to think of me at this higher level. Not this lower level of being someone who doesn’t have her stuff together. It’s strange to realize that people pleasing and pride are birds of a feather. I didn’t see the connection for a long time, because I saw pride as being overly impressed with your own accomplishments and abilities, and I was nowhere near that.

Earth (481-640) People with this personality type are likely to become successful leaders. You tend to be more disciplined and careful at planning tasks. Loyalty and trust are important equations in your relationships hence they prove to be your strength in hard times. You respect others and keep people united which makes people flourish under your leadership. Earth signs are efficient decision makers hence always remain firm on the step they took. Fire: (400-300) Fire people are smart enthusiastic and energetic to be around. You are very competitive and curious, and more often very passionate about your goals and desires. Trusting people with a job or any important personal task is hard hence making emotional connections are difficult for you. making friends or getting a lover, your life is full of drama and there’s always a lot happening around you. You are intelligent and always find new ways to do things Water (160-320) Water people are kind and empathetic but sensitive. And you sometimes tend to become people pleasers. being quite impulsive and always in a hurry, you make decisions haphazardly. Water people are shy and introverted while partying around with friends on a weekend would be the last thing you want to do. You dread small talk and expressing yourself to a group of people is quite a demanding job. People feel relaxed in your presence you bring out the best in them. Decision-making can be demanding and you are sometimes regretful of overthinking and hence not capable of finding a firm decision. Air: (0-160) You have quite an entrancing personality. People are naturally drawn towards you and find your company comforting and friendly. Air signs are naturally smart and quite efficient in their workplace. While using your challenges and opportunities wisely you are likely to have great careers. you are good at advising your colleagues. But being bound in a relationship sometimes doesn’t seem to help you, rather you respect open free yet intimate emotional connections. Air people who are artistic and creative always look at things from a unique lens. So now you know your element.

After working with thousands of people who had lost their No, I realized that there are three distinct aspects to Find Your No that you must master if you want to stop being a people-pleaser and start living the life you were meant to. You must find your personal no, find your interpersonal no, and find your global no. To find your personal no you examine the activities you're doing, and determine which ones are draining your time, money, or energy that you've allowed to continue.... Use the three-step detect (I see the demand), deflect (I ask what's behind it), and reflect (I synergize) method to find your interpersonal no... Your Global No deals with one fundamental issue, that of integrity.

He believes that to be accepted by others he must do what they want and only what they want. He becomes a people pleaser and neglects taking care of himself.

It may be subtle in its manifestations, and therefore difficult to identify. The following is a case history of Karen, a 45-year old woman whose parents were co-dependent and through growing up with them she became co-dependent. “When I heard the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics described, I saw a lot of myself in them. So I looked and looked for an alcoholic in my family background and couldn’t find one. I found I had to look deeper as my parents both had a lot of characteristics of co-dependence. My father was also a workaholic. He was such a success. But he gave his time and energy to everyone except his family. He was the mayor of our town, and I felt guilty when I asked him for attention. He just wasn’t there for me as a father and to help me when I was growing up. My mother was a compulsive overeater, although I didn’t know that at the time. She wasn’t the mother I needed either. They both trained me to be a self-sacrificer and a people-pleaser.

if you were never allowed to express anger in your family, your anger becomes an alienated part of yourself. You experience toxic shame when you feel angry. This part of you must be disowned or severed. There is no way to get rid of your emotional power of anger. Anger is self-preserving and self-protecting energy. Without this energy you become a doormat and a people-pleaser. As your feelings, needs and drives are bound by toxic shame, more and more of you is alienated.

I’m the ultimate people pleaser. I please everyone except myself. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of being me. I want to be brash and bold.

Every culture had dishes that prized the simple and traditional over showy flavors and elaborate presentations. The things that my not seem worthy on first look, but over time become an indispensable part of your life. If you grow up in an immigrant culture, there are going to be foods you eat that other people just don't get. Not the universal crowd-pleasers-the fired chickens and soup dumplings-but the everyday staff. We Southerners, for instance, love grits, boiled peanuts, and fried okra but nobody else understands. For Chinese people, it's things like rice porridge, thousand-year-old eggs, or tomato and eggs. Simple things that don't impress at first look, but instead offer nuance: strange textures and sublime flavors that reveal charm over the years. The things people left off menus, only to find an audience during family meal. (159) Whether it's food or women, the ones on front street are supermodels, Big hair, bit tits, bit trouble, but the one you come home with is probably something like cavatelli and red sauce. She's not screaming for attention because she knows she's good enough even if your dumb ass hasn't figured it out yet. The best dished have depth without doing too much. (160)

I couldn't think of a reply except No, so I said, 'Sure.