“
The little sneak caught me one day, coming around the car when I was outside puffing away.
“I was wondering what you were doing,” he said, spying me squatting behind the truck.
He’d nailed me, but the look on his face made it seem as if our roles were reversed--he looked as if he were in shock, as if I’d just slapped him.
When I went back inside, I found he’d taped signs to the walls:
DON’T SMOKE!
I laugh about it now, but not then.
“Why are you so devastated that I’m smoking?” I asked when I found him.
“Because. I already lost one parent. I don’t want to lose you, too.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I told him. “I’m going to stop.”
But of course it wasn’t nearly that easy. As horrible as I felt, I was deep into the habit. I would quit for a while--a day, an hour--then somehow a cigarette would find its way to my mouth.
I continued to rationalize, continued to struggle--and Bubba continued to call me out.
“I’m trying,” I told him. “I’m trying.”
He’d come up and give me a hug--and smell the cigarette still on me.
“Did you have one?”
“Yes.”
“Hmmmm…” Instant tears.
“I’m trying, I’m trying.”
One day I went out to the patio to take what turned out to be a super stressful call--and I started to smoke, almost unconsciously. In the middle of the conversation, Bubba came out and threw a paper airplane at me.
What!!!
My son scrambled back inside. I was furious, but the call was too important to cut short.
Wait until I get you, mister!
Just as I hung up, Bubba appeared at the window and pointed at the airplane at my feet.
I opened it up and read his message.
YOU SUCK AT TRYING.
That hurt, not least of all because it was true.
I tried harder. I switched to organic cigarettes--those can’t be that bad for you, right? They’re organic!
Turns out organic tars and nicotine are still tars and nicotine. I quit for day, then started again. I resolved not to go to the store so I couldn’t be tempted…then found myself hunting through my jacket for an old packet, rifling around in my hiding places for a cigarette I’d forgotten.
Was that a half-smoked butt I saw on the ground?
Finally, I remembered one of the sayings SEALs live by: Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
Not exactly the conventional advice one uses to stop smoking, but the conventional advice had failed me. For some reason I took the words and tried applying them to my heartbeat, slowing my pulse as it ramped up. It was a kind of mini-meditation, meant to take the place of a cigarette.
The mantra helped me take control. I focused on the thoughts that were making me panic, or at least getting my heart racing.
Slow is smooth. Slow down, heart. Slow down--and don’t smoke.
I worked on my breathing. Slow is smooth. Slow is smooth. And don’t smoke.
”
”