Nedra Glover Tawwab Quotes

The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.

We don't naturally fall into perfect relationship; we create them

Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act.

Tell people what you need.

How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.

anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

Discomfort is a part of the process.

Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.

We can be traumatized by what we observe someone else experience

It may be hard to just listen without offering advice as people share their problems, but this is often the best support we can give.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it

Assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can't read your mind.

Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.

It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are.—James Clear

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: 1. Whose standard am I trying to meet? 2. Do I have the time to commit to this? 3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? 4. How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Critical thinking is a threat to unhealthy systems, and questions make people think.

Of course we have no way of knowing how someone else will respond to our assertiveness. When someone has a history of rage and anger, it’s understandable that we would avoid setting limits with that person. But we victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.

We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

avoidance is a fear-based response.

People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.

I wasn’t helping people by “fixing” them. I was getting in the way of them doing the work that they needed to do for themselves.

Choosing discomfort over resentment. — BRENÉ BROWN

You can love your parents and be upset about how they raised you.

Visit the past, but don't stay there.

It’s just that their generation often believed that they were obligated to do everything for others without complaint.

Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others.

Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else.

When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation. Regardless of the reason behind the abuse, it’s never okay for someone to abuse you.

family relationships with weak boundaries, lack of emotional separation, and intrusive demands for support or attention that prevent family members from developing a strong and independent sense of self.

If you experience any of the above, know that the damage wasn’t caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.

Remember: there is no such thing as guilt-free boundary setting. If you want to minimize (not eliminate) guilt, change the way you think about the process. Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as a self-care and wellness practice.

Family is not solely by blood; it’s also The people who choose you The people you feel deeply connected to The people who lovingly hold you accountable The people who offer you a sense of safety The people who consistently show up for you The people who are willing to give you what you need The people who know you well and love you greatly

If you experience depression, it can be helpful to set boundaries about how many things you expect yourself to do in a single day.

los límites no son muros. Un muro te aparta de una persona, mientras que los límites le enseñan cómo mantener una relación contigo.

boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

I’m not doing this to disrespect you. I’m doing this to respect myself.

prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again,

it isn’t helpful to say you’re sorry about setting a boundary. Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourself—no excuses required.

Stop following people on social media who make it appear they have it all together all the time.

If you deal with frequent anxiety, it’s important to become aware of what is a reasonable expectation and what isn’t.

It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards, for your life and the people you allow in it. —Mandy Hale

There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees

State your boundary, and proceed with typical business

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At

People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

Burnout is a response to unhealthy boundaries.

People can’t meet a standard that we never express. Boundaries are not unspoken rules.

Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.

Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

It’s okay for a small child to set limits like not eating meat or feeling uncomfortable around certain people. Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved, and they reinforce the positive habit of articulating needs. When parents ignore these preferences, children feel lonely, neglected, and like their needs don’t matter—and they will likely struggle with boundaries as adults.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking

At work, as in the rest of life, it isn't realistic to try to get your needs met through waiting for situations to improve magically. Bouncing from one unhealthy circumstance to the next won't help either. You can't outrun your inability to set boundaries.

Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself. Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship. Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.” Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.

If you’re single, ask yourself: • What are my top five needs in a relationship? • When will I communicate my boundaries? • How will I naturally communicate them? • What issues will be hardest for me to set boundaries for? • How would I like a potential partner to receive my boundaries?

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Sometimes, it can be challenging for people who haven't experienced a dysfunctional family to understand someone else's choices. When people have no frame of reference, we give our power away if we try to convince them to understand us. Let them have their story while you keep yours. It isn't always possible or necessary to convert people, and it can be peaceful to let go of trying to reach an agreement. The way you choose to deal with your family may look different from how others choose to deal with theirs. Neither needs to be seen as right or wrong, and can simply be accepted as different.

Have you ever been excited about something? Of course you have. You didn’t stop everything because of it, right? You didn’t miss work. You didn’t stay in bed all day. You did whatever was usually on your agenda, but you felt excited at the same time. You can also carry on with your life while feeling guilty.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

According to Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: “To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.

It’s true that setting boundaries isn’t easy. Paralyzing fear about how someone might respond can easily hold us back. You might play out awkward interactions in your mind and prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. But trust me: short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!

There are five ways to communicate a boundary: Passive: Letting it slide. Passive-Aggressive: Acting upset without clearly stating your needs to the other person. Aggressive: Being rigid, inflexible, and demanding about what you need. Manipulation: Coercively attempting to get your needs met. Assertive: Telling people exactly what you desire clearly and firmly.

Honesty isn’t betrayal; it’s courage. Stop sugarcoating your experiences and allow the truth to free you. People often misrepresent their relationships and experiences because they’re too afraid to admit what’s true. But denial will keep you from breaking free from your past. Hard Things to Accept About a Family Member They are selfish and will do whatever it takes to get what they want They aren’t a good listener They make changes, but only temporarily

In seeing clients for more than a decade, I’ve found that passive-aggressiveness is the number one way we communicate our feelings and needs. When people describe their passive-aggressive behaviour, I say, “So you haven’t communicated your need, but you’ve acted it out?” The problem is that people can’t guess our needs based on our actions. They may not know what our behaviour means or even notice that we’re trying to communicate something new. Our desires simply have to be verbalised.

When someone implements a boundary, it's to help them feel safe, happy, and secure in the relationship. These limits aren't to be taken personally. The second (and my personal favorite) agreement from the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is "Do not take anything personally." So whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It's because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.

After thirty, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendships. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about the people you surround yourself with, according to Marla Paul, author of the book The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore. 'The bar is higher than when we were younger and were willing to meet almost anyone for a margarita,' she says. We tend to overthink the interactions more. 'Will they like me?' or 'Did I say the right thing?' When we maintain a friendship for ten years or more, we become accustomed to specific roles in the relationship. Therefore, shifting our boundaries seems like a betrayal of the relationship. But people change all the time. As we grow in friendships, other areas of our lives likely grow as well.

help.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up.

Identify your expectations,

In a toxic work environment, your emotional and mental health status is put in jeopardy.

It’s okay for me to feel how I feel in any situation.

El miedo no se basa en los hechos. El miedo se basa en los pensamientos negativos y en las tramas que nos inventamos en nuestras cabezas.

Los límites no son de sentido común; hay que enseñarlos. En el trabajo, los transmiten el departamento de recursos humanos, la cultura laboral y los jefes. Cuando alguien tiene miedo a perder el trabajo, sin embargo, cuesta mucho implementar límites.

Your father is verbally aggressive. He says you caused him to become angry because you didn’t listen to him. After the verbal attacks, he becomes affectionate and buys you small gifts.

Pushback is a manifestation of the fear that things will be different, of being pushed out of the comfort zone. Even though “different” doesn’t mean bad, some people will struggle to deal with new terms in the relationship.

Boundaries grow and expand over time as our needs change.

Boundaries teach others how to exist in a relationship with you.

Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.

When domestic violence is present in a relationship, telling friends or family about the abuse can seem like a betrayal to your partner. You might be aware that your partner’s behavior is inappropriate, but you still may not be ready to leave. Telling someone could prompt others to push you to act.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to have relationships with types of people you don’t like. Doing so is a choice. At least to some degree, you can curate and create the types of relationships you want by adhering to boundaries that will make your life easier.

When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?

Open communication works best when done proactively before a small issue becomes a big problem. Little things can easily add up, so address issues even when you believe them to be “not that big of a deal.” You’ll be surprised at the “little things” that later come up as major issues, such as

Let them know you’d like to be included in their next adventure. Invite them to do something with you. But also realize that their social life separate from you is no reflection on their relationship with you.

Do not take anything personally.

Overly entangling yourself in other people’s problems is not an indicator of how much you love them. Instead, it shows your lack of healthy boundaries.

I don’t have time to waste time.

just because you feel angry doesn’t mean you have to yell.

When you’ve practiced unhealthy boundaries for so long, it’s hard to consider your options. You’ve grown accustomed to not having choices.

I feared that standing up for myself would cost me my relationships. All the while, the personal cost was much higher.

I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.