Nedra Glover Tawwab Quotes

The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.

Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act.

We don't naturally fall into perfect relationship; we create them

Tell people what you need.

How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.

We can be traumatized by what we observe someone else experience

Discomfort is a part of the process.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

Assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can't read your mind.

short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it

It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are.—James Clear

To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: 1. Whose standard am I trying to meet? 2. Do I have the time to commit to this? 3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? 4. How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.

Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else.

Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others.

avoidance is a fear-based response.

It may be hard to just listen without offering advice as people share their problems, but this is often the best support we can give.

Critical thinking is a threat to unhealthy systems, and questions make people think.

Choosing discomfort over resentment. — BRENÉ BROWN

People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.

It’s just that their generation often believed that they were obligated to do everything for others without complaint.

family relationships with weak boundaries, lack of emotional separation, and intrusive demands for support or attention that prevent family members from developing a strong and independent sense of self.

We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries.

Of course we have no way of knowing how someone else will respond to our assertiveness. When someone has a history of rage and anger, it’s understandable that we would avoid setting limits with that person. But we victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.

It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards, for your life and the people you allow in it. —Mandy Hale

Neglecting self-care is the first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.

There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees

prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again,

it isn’t helpful to say you’re sorry about setting a boundary. Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourself—no excuses required.

Stop following people on social media who make it appear they have it all together all the time.

If you deal with frequent anxiety, it’s important to become aware of what is a reasonable expectation and what isn’t.

I wasn’t helping people by “fixing” them. I was getting in the way of them doing the work that they needed to do for themselves.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

I’m not doing this to disrespect you. I’m doing this to respect myself.

You can love your parents and be upset about how they raised you.

If you experience depression, it can be helpful to set boundaries about how many things you expect yourself to do in a single day.

boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.

People can’t meet a standard that we never express. Boundaries are not unspoken rules.

State your boundary, and proceed with typical business

People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

Burnout is a response to unhealthy boundaries.

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At

When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation. Regardless of the reason behind the abuse, it’s never okay for someone to abuse you.

Whose standard am I trying to meet? Do I have the time to commit to this? What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

At work, as in the rest of life, it isn't realistic to try to get your needs met through waiting for situations to improve magically. Bouncing from one unhealthy circumstance to the next won't help either. You can't outrun your inability to set boundaries.

If you experience any of the above, know that the damage wasn’t caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.

Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself. Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship. Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.” Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.

If you’re single, ask yourself: • What are my top five needs in a relationship? • When will I communicate my boundaries? • How will I naturally communicate them? • What issues will be hardest for me to set boundaries for? • How would I like a potential partner to receive my boundaries?

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Sometimes, it can be challenging for people who haven't experienced a dysfunctional family to understand someone else's choices. When people have no frame of reference, we give our power away if we try to convince them to understand us. Let them have their story while you keep yours. It isn't always possible or necessary to convert people, and it can be peaceful to let go of trying to reach an agreement. The way you choose to deal with your family may look different from how others choose to deal with theirs. Neither needs to be seen as right or wrong, and can simply be accepted as different.

Have you ever been excited about something? Of course you have. You didn’t stop everything because of it, right? You didn’t miss work. You didn’t stay in bed all day. You did whatever was usually on your agenda, but you felt excited at the same time. You can also carry on with your life while feeling guilty.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

According to Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: “To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.

It’s true that setting boundaries isn’t easy. Paralyzing fear about how someone might respond can easily hold us back. You might play out awkward interactions in your mind and prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. But trust me: short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!

Remember: there is no such thing as guilt-free boundary setting. If you want to minimize (not eliminate) guilt, change the way you think about the process. Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as a self-care and wellness practice.

Family is not solely by blood; it’s also The people who choose you The people you feel deeply connected to The people who lovingly hold you accountable The people who offer you a sense of safety The people who consistently show up for you The people who are willing to give you what you need The people who know you well and love you greatly

There are five ways to communicate a boundary: Passive: Letting it slide. Passive-Aggressive: Acting upset without clearly stating your needs to the other person. Aggressive: Being rigid, inflexible, and demanding about what you need. Manipulation: Coercively attempting to get your needs met. Assertive: Telling people exactly what you desire clearly and firmly.

It’s okay for a small child to set limits like not eating meat or feeling uncomfortable around certain people. Parents who respect those boundaries make space for their children to feel safe and loved, and they reinforce the positive habit of articulating needs. When parents ignore these preferences, children feel lonely, neglected, and like their needs don’t matter—and they will likely struggle with boundaries as adults.

In seeing clients for more than a decade, I’ve found that passive-aggressiveness is the number one way we communicate our feelings and needs. When people describe their passive-aggressive behaviour, I say, “So you haven’t communicated your need, but you’ve acted it out?” The problem is that people can’t guess our needs based on our actions. They may not know what our behaviour means or even notice that we’re trying to communicate something new. Our desires simply have to be verbalised.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. Thoughts of fleeing—“I wish I could drop everything and run away”—are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking

When someone implements a boundary, it's to help them feel safe, happy, and secure in the relationship. These limits aren't to be taken personally. The second (and my personal favorite) agreement from the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is "Do not take anything personally." So whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It's because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.

After thirty, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendships. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about the people you surround yourself with, according to Marla Paul, author of the book The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore. 'The bar is higher than when we were younger and were willing to meet almost anyone for a margarita,' she says. We tend to overthink the interactions more. 'Will they like me?' or 'Did I say the right thing?' When we maintain a friendship for ten years or more, we become accustomed to specific roles in the relationship. Therefore, shifting our boundaries seems like a betrayal of the relationship. But people change all the time. As we grow in friendships, other areas of our lives likely grow as well.

Do your best to name your boundary without offering an explanation so that you aren’t talked out of it.

It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them.

Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up are ways that we avoid situations instead of dealing with them proactively. But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again, following us from relationship to relationship.

Reclaim or create your self-identity, separate from anyone else’s.

People who use guilt trips are trying to get their needs met, but their needs may violate the requirements you have for yourself.

I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.

When people say, “I’m anxious, depressed, or I need to work on my mental health.” Don’t question it. Don’t tease them. Don’t diminish their issues because you want something from them and their mental health limits their ability to deliver. It was hard enough for them to acknowledge and share. If you do not understand because you’ve never experienced mental health issues, go educate yourself. Do not look to them for everything you need to know about mental health. They are learning too. Do the work to understand.

Things That Lead to Burnout : Listening to people complain about the same things over and over

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders: It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

I suggested that Erica start asking herself “Why is this important to me?” and do only what is most important. Sometimes we do things that aren’t important to us but that we believe maintain a particular image of “good parent” or “person who has it all together.

People who exhibit strong signs of being disagreeable, such as always having to be right, arguing over small details, or struggling to accept differences in others, are more likely to push back against boundaries.

When you’re unable to leave work at the office, disconnect on vacation, or shut off from work at a certain hour, you ignore your own boundaries at the expense of your well-being and often the well-being of your family.

No one can do it all. Believing we can leads to burnout.

Pushback is a manifestation of the fear that things will be different, of being pushed out of the comfort zone. Even though “different” doesn’t mean bad, some people will struggle to deal with new terms in the relationship.

help.

Boundaries grow and expand over time as our needs change.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions.

If you want to feel guilty, set a limit with your family.

El miedo no se basa en los hechos. El miedo se basa en los pensamientos negativos y en las tramas que nos inventamos en nuestras cabezas.

Los límites no son de sentido común; hay que enseñarlos. En el trabajo, los transmiten el departamento de recursos humanos, la cultura laboral y los jefes. Cuando alguien tiene miedo a perder el trabajo, sin embargo, cuesta mucho implementar límites.

los límites no son muros. Un muro te aparta de una persona, mientras que los límites le enseñan cómo mantener una relación contigo.

Erica had to create realistic expectations for her role as a mother, which meant setting healthy boundaries.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

When we passive-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we speak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue.

Honesty isn’t betrayal; it’s courage. Stop sugarcoating your experiences and allow the truth to free you. People often misrepresent their relationships and experiences because they’re too afraid to admit what’s true. But denial will keep you from breaking free from your past. Hard Things to Accept About a Family Member They are selfish and will do whatever it takes to get what they want They aren’t a good listener They make changes, but only temporarily

You Only Live Once by Jason Vitug,