Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,’ just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want two thousand of something.”     —Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.

I'm sick of following my dream, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going then hook up with 'em later

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg once commented that an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. Well, an escalator waterwheel generator can never break . . . . . . it can only become an extremely impractical bicycle.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it, Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus … one of those two doesn’t sound right. —MITCH HEDBERG, AMERICAN COMEDIAN

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.

If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.