Milton Berle Quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far, for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door

Ma Parker.’ ‘Milton Berle.’ ‘Louie the Lilac.’ ‘Liberace.’ ‘Chandell the Great.’ ‘And?’ Win looked puzzled. ‘And what?’ ‘What other criminal did Liberace play?

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might have been, by far; for a might have been has never been but a has was once an are.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are', because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been,' by far, for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

Jesus, Eddie,” said Fred when he first saw them. “I didn’t know you read so much.” “Gotta do somethin’ when you’re a single man. Whatta you do with your time?” Fred had shrugged. “Watch TV a lot, I guess.” “Well, I got one. Don’t watch much myself, though I liked that Charlie’s Angels show. And Milton Berle. Not much worth watching now.” “How come you keep all these?” “The books? I keep ’em long enough I forget I read ’em, so it’s like readin’ a new book.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." —Milton Berle

January 15: Fox holds a press party for Yves Montand, who has been cast (at Arthur Miller’s suggestion) to replace Gregory Peck in Let’s Make Love. Marilyn seems in better health and ready to work. Group photographs are taken of Miller, Simone Signoret (Montand’s wife), Montand, Marilyn, and Frankie Vaughan, a popular British singer, and Milton Berle, who also appears in Let’s Make Love. Marilyn is photographed with producer Buddy Adler, gossip columnist Dorothy Kilgallen, and director George Cukor. Marilyn and Miller join Montand and Signoret for dinner. The couples occupy adjoining bungalows in the Beverly Hills Hotel.

February 26: Picture Week features a smiling Marilyn in black-and-white, dressed casually in a loose blouse, resting the right side of her face on her hands and her upper body on her elbows. “A Glimpse into Marilyn’s Future” is the promising headline. Joe DiMaggio takes Marilyn to a birthday party for Jackie Gleason at Toots Shor’s restaurant. Marilyn is photographed signing autographs, laughing with Gleason and DiMaggio, and with a very satisfied looking Milton Berle. She gets a splinter when she sits on a wooden chair, and actress Audrey Meadows removes the splinter with a straight needle sterilized with a cigarette lighter.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter Is an Instant Vacation. Milton Berle

Milton Berle and Bob Hope each had a vault containing more than six million jokes on index cards sorted by topic. The

Comedian Milton Berle once said, ‘If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door!’ In

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Milton Berle.

I could see life as tragic or comic depending on my blood sugar level but always saw it as meaningless. I felt I was a tragedian locked in the body of a stand-up comic. A mute, inglorious Milton. But only if you meant Milton Berle.

Though the bored person hungers for things to happen to him, the disheartening fact is that when they do he empties them of the very meaning he unconsciously yearns for by using them as distractions. In popular culture even the second com- ing would become just another ‘barren’ thrill to be watched on television till Milton Berle comes on.

Comedian Milton Berle once said, ‘If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door!

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle

But almost from the beginning, Vallee’s special ability as a talent scout came to the fore. He plucked Alice Faye out of the chorus in George White’s Scandals and sent her to vocal and film stardom. He found Frances Langford singing on a small station in Florida. Beatrice Lillie, Milton Berle, and Phil Baker got their first major radio exposure on the Vallee show.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.