Mac Barnett Quotes

Dear Mom, I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge. Love, Steve

Every Librarian is a highly trained agent. An expert in intelligence, counterintelligence, Boolean searching, and hand-to-hand combat.

He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop? ... You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world." "No way." "Yes way." "What about the FBI?" "Featherweights." "The CIA?" Mackintosh snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time.

I may have been swallowed, said the duck, but I have no intention of being eaten.

Danger is the snack food of a true sleuth.

A clue! From M!" "Who's M?" "Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!" "Or maybe M is for Mom. Also, who says 'cahoots'?

This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.

I live well! I may have been swallowed, but I have no intention of being eaten.

Dana was what Steve called a "silent partner" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency.

Summertime is here again. School principals are free. The birds are singing in the trees And so are the school principals. Not in the trees, but on the ground. School principals cannot fly.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

It's nice," said the mouse. "It's home," said the duck. "You live here?" "I live well! I may have been swallowed, but I have no intention of being eaten.

Leave it to Niles Sparks to prank his pranking partner in the middle of a prank.

LUNCH,

There is a considerable difference between believing something is rubbish and believing it should not exist," said the Queen. "Remember that.

WELCOME TO YAWNEE VALLEY, an idyllic place with rolling green hills that slope down to creeks, and cows as far as the eye can see. There’s one now.

He smelled like an animal. It was the first time Miles had touched a cow.

realize this picture, rendered only in black ink, will not help you decide for yourself whether Bob’s cow is blue. Sadly, we cannot afford to print these books in color. Still, we hope you enjoyed the illustration. That’s a very good-looking cow!

being Scotty. Which is crazy.

and muttered, “Nimbus.” But Principal Barkin wasn’t finished. “And, Josh,” he said. “I certainly can put you on probation. I can do anything. I am a principal.” Principal Barkin straightened his red tie. He’d had a pretty bad day, but that was a

A stinky little nimbus like you is probably going to need a lot of deodorant.

He wiped off his mouth

I mean,” said Niles, “it seems like excellence should get you something. But I was just this weird kid who wore a suit and a sash and didn’t have any friends.” “That’s definitely what I thought when I first met you.” “I’ve always loved books,” Niles said. “And my favorite books were books about pranksters. And books about how to do pranks. And how to make secret codes, and how to sneak around. From the time I was really little, I was always dreaming up pranks. I used to sit on my bed and imagine how I’d booby-trap my room. When I was six I asked for a bucket for Christmas, so I could fill it up with water and hook up a trip wire so it would spill on whoever came into my room.” Miles smiled. “Such a classic.” “Yeah.

pedaled through the pasture. But some were moving in the

But Miles could not smile, because he was unhappy about moving to Yawnee Valley.

In 1836, due to a balloting error, a cow was elected mayor of Yawnee Valley. (After earning record-high approval ratings, the cow was reelected to a second term.) A statue of that cow still stands in the center of the town square.

Principal Barkin taking a bubble bath.

Deny Ignorance, Make Something Up, Mister, or DIMSUM, which more generally refers to a very tasty cuisine featuring dumplings and steamed buns.

You will have the option of paying extra for a fifth background, Executive Gray (just regular gray), and you will wonder what kind of person spends ten bucks to get gray.

Miles didn’t move. This wasn’t part of the plan. “What is it?” said Barkin. “The plans to your next big prank?” Miles tried to look calm. “No,” said Miles. “Principal Barkin,” said Niles, “it’s just a party invitation!” “A party invitation?” Principal Barkin’s nostrils flared. Niles put his hand over his mouth and directed a loud whisper toward Miles. “It’s fine. Show it to him.” Miles had no choice now. He gave up the invitation. Principal Barkin slowly put on a pair of reading glasses and peered at the paper. “Interesting. Very interesting. Cody Burr-Tyler, eh?” He snapped his gaze back to Miles. “Well, well, well,” he said. “Well, well, well.” Barkin folded the invitation and put it in his shirt pocket. “Well.” “Well?” said Miles. Principal Barkin stared at Miles for four whole seconds. Then he pointed to a sign on the wall. Miles exhaled. He turned, feeling flustered, and walked down the hallway in the wrong direction. Niles called after him. “No, it’s this way, Miles! We need to go this way!” Miles turned around and followed Niles toward Room 22. “Miles!” Principal Barkin shouted after him. “Remember: I’m on to you.” Barkin pointed at another sign on the wall. This sign hadn’t been there

He grinned at Niles and went to his locker, his upper locker, to grab his math book. Maybe he would have pizza for lunch today. Yes, that sounded pretty good.

sausage

dogs.

flowers had grown right in front of where the students normally stood for the all-school photograph.

Underneath the picnic table was something he’d somehow missed.

Samizdat.

Chapter

car,

The Terrible Twos is what you call toddlers,” said Miles.

There are patterns in a life, and patterns in a story, but in real lives and good stories the patterns are hard to see... But sometimes you find a book that feels as strange as life does. These books feel true. These books are important.

people

enemy

important

respectful. Sure, his hair might be a little mussed for Principal Barkin’s liking. And those T-shirts. Principal Barkin wasn’t sure about those T-shirts.

Inside, Barkin moved a mop and pulled a chain to turn on the light. There was another mop in the way. He moved that mop too and sat down on a bucket. There, he began to write. Barkin, inspired, lost track of time as he wrote his speech. It took an hour. At 7:38 he emerged from the supply closet clutching perhaps the greatest first-day power speech in the history of Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy, at which point a student in the hallway told him his car was parked in front of the school entrance.

Is RECON another acronym?” asked Mudflap. (RECON is not an acronym. It’s short for reconnaissance, because reconnaissance is a tough word to spell correctly.) “Um,” said Josh. “Yes. Yes, RECON is an acronym. Now—” “What does it stand for?” asked Splinters. Josh sighed. “Well . . . it . . . stands for . . .” Josh stared at the ceiling of his barracks. He felt instinctively that this was an important test of his leadership. Josh firmly believed that good leaders never admit when they don’t know something. And the fact was, Josh didn’t know what this acronym stood for. (Again, it wasn’t an acronym.) He began to blush a pale plum color. This was a tough spot. What could he do? “RECON stands for . . . Really . . .” He was off to a good start! “Enormous . . . Counterstrike . . .” O. O. O. “On . . .” Aha! Josh was almost there. He screwed up his eyes and willed all his blood to his brain. Josh’s face darkened and became the shade of a turnip. Just one letter left! His eyes lit up. The word came to him like a gift from his ancestors, inscribed in his mind with the ballpoint pen of principals past. “NIMBUSES!

an idyllic place with rolling green hills that slope down to creeks, and cows as far as the eye can see. There’s one now.

And then, finally, I had a brilliant idea. I called the junkyard, and I asked to talk to the magnet guy, you know, the guy who has that machine with the giant magnet that lifts cars off the ground and moves them all around?

On your first day at a new school in a new town, you got to decide what kind of kid you were going to be. You could be the smart kid, or the kid who has cool shoes.

Today was the day when you could decide to become a new kid and be that kid for the rest of your life.

Principal Pack is a pack, like this one, worn by a school principal, like me, containing everything

finding a needle in a giant stack of needles.” Clumber looked pleased with his joke.

He unzipped his Principal Pack, which most people call a fanny pack, but Principal Barkin called a Principal Pack, even in the summer, and pulled out a pencil and paper.

picture day tradition that went

grown right in front of where the students normally stood for the all-school photograph. The universe was giving him the most photogenic sign possible.

Barkin. And let me begin by saying that Pajama Day is canceled.” A discontented murmur ran through the auditorium. Holly looked around at the faces of her fellow students. She stood up. “But, Principal Barkin,” she said. “The last Principal Barkin—” Barkin slammed his fist onto the podium. “SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE INTERRUPTED.” He pointed a long finger at Holly Rash. “YOU. YOU WILL REPORT TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS ASSEMBLY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” “Yes, but—” “SIT

is not Rodeo Day. It is not Ugly Sweater

sticks. Sticks are great weapons. You can poke people with them. You can thump people with them. You can use one as a sword—” Mudflap lit up at this. He liked swords. “—but that’s for dorks.” Mudflap pretended he had never lit up and didn’t like swords. “But the best thing to do with a stick is to throw it. You