β
When we are young, the words are scattered all around us. As they are assembled by experience, so also are we, sentence by sentence, until the story takes shape.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
Love won't be tampered with, love won't go away. Push it to one side and it creeps to the other.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
We do know that no one gets wise enough to really understand the heart of another, though it is the task of our life to try.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Bingo Palace)
β
some people meet the way the sky meets the earth, inevitably, and there is no stopping or holding back their love. It exists in a finished world, beyond the reach of common sense.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Tales of Burning Love)
β
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone wonβt either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
To love another human in all of her splendor and imperfect perfection , it is a magnificent task...tremendous and foolish and human.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse)
β
I prefer to have some beliefs that don't make logical sense.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Things which do not grow and change are dead things.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Now that I knew fear, I also knew it was not permanent. As powerful as it was, its grip on me would loosen. It would pass.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
What happens when you let an unsatisfactory present go on long enough? It becomes your entire history.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
There will never come a time when I will be able to resist my emotions.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Tales of Burning Love)
β
So what is wild? What is wilderness? What are dreams but an internal wilderness and what is desire but a wildness of the soul?
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Blue Jay's Dance: A Birth Year)
β
We started dying before the snow, and like the snow, we continued to fall.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Tracks (Love Medicine. #3))
β
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
Ravens are the birds I'll miss most when I die. If only the darkness into which we must look were composed of the black light of their limber intelligence. If only we did not have to die at all. Instead, become ravens.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
Sorrow eats time. Be patient. Time eats sorrow.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (LaRose)
β
Women without children are also the best of mothers,often, with the patience,interest, and saving grace that the constant relationship with children cannot always sustain. I come to crave our talk and our daughters gain precious aunts. Women who are not mothering their own children have the clarity and focus to see deeply into the character of children webbed by family. A child is fortuante who feels witnessed as a peron,outside relationships with parents by another adult.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Blue Jay's Dance: A Birth Year)
β
I stood there in the shadowed doorway thinking with my tears. Yes, tears can be thoughts, why not?
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
...which causes me to wonder, my own purpose on so many days as humble as the spider's, what is beautiful that I make? What is elegant? What feeds the world?
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
Her clothes were filled with safety pins and hidden tears.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
When every inch of the world is known, sleep may be the only wilderness that we have left.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Blue Jay's Dance: A Birth Year)
β
And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
...don't read anything except what destroys the insulation between yourself and your experience...
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Society is like this card game here, cousin. We got dealt our hand before we were even born, and as we grow we have to play as best as we can.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
The only time I see the truth is when I cross my eyes.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse)
β
We are never so poor that we cannot bless another human being, are we? So it is that every evil, whether moral or material, results in good. You'll see.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
Old love, middle love, the kind of love that knows itself and knows that nothing lasts, is a desperate shared wildness.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
Women don't realize how much store men set on the regularity of their habits. We absorb their comings and goings into our bodies, their rhythms into our bones.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
When weβre young, we think we are the only species worth knowing. But the more I come to know people, the better I like ravens.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
Right and wrong were shades of meaning, not sides of a coin.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
Our songs travel the earth. We sing to one another. Not a single note is ever lost and no song is original. They all come from the same place and go back to a time when only the stones howled.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Master Butchers Singing Club)
β
We passed over in a sweep of sorrow that would persist into our small forever. We just keep going.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
To sew is to pray. Men don't understand this. They see the whole but they don't see the stitches. They don't see the speech of the creator in the work of the needle. We mend. We women turn things inside out and set things right. We salvage what we can of human garments and piece the rest into blankets. Sometimes our stitches stutter and slow. Only a woman's eyes can tell. Other times, the tension in the stitches might be too tight because of tears, but only we know what emotion went into the making. Only women can hear the prayer.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Four Souls)
β
What is this life but the sound of an appalling love.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Cold sinks in, there to stay. And people, they'll leave you, sure. There's no return to what was and no way back. There's just emptiness all around, and you in it, like singing up from the bottom of a well, like nothing else, until you harm yourself, until you are a mad dog biting yourself for sympathy. Because there is no relenting.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Bingo Palace)
β
He had a thousand-year-old stare.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Antelope Wife)
β
Getting blown up happened in an instant; getting put together took the rest of your life.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (LaRose)
β
The first thing that happens at the end of the world is that we donβt know what is happening.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Future Home of the Living God)
β
You canβt get over things you do to other people as easily as you get over things they do to you.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
The universe is transformation.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
When small towns find they cannot harm the strangest of their members, when eccentrics show resilience, they are eventually embraced and even cherished.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Master Butchers Singing Club)
β
When a baby falls asleep in your arms you are absolved. The purest creature alive has chosen you. Thereβs nothing else.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
Leave the dishes.
Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator
and an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor.
Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster.
Throw the cracked bowl out and don't patch the cup.
Don't patch anything. Don't mend. Buy safety pins.
Don't even sew on a button.
Let the wind have its way, then the earth
that invades as dust and then the dead
foaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch.
Talk to them. Tell them they are welcome.
Don't keep all the pieces of the puzzles
or the doll's tiny shoes in pairs, don't worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.
Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic-decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.
Your heart, that place
you don't even think of cleaning out.
That closet stuffed with savage mementos.
Don't sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teeth
or worry if we're all eating cereal for dinner
again. Don't answer the telephone, ever,
or weep over anything at all that breaks.
Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartons
in the refrigerator. Accept new forms of life
and talk to the dead
who drift in though the screened windows, who collect
patiently on the tops of food jars and books.
Recycle the mail, don't read it, don't read anything
except what destroys
the insulation between yourself and your experience
or what pulls down or what strikes at or what shatters
this ruse you call necessity.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Original Fire)
β
In order to purify yourself, you have to understand yourself, Father Trais went on. Everything out in the world is also in you. Good, bad, evil, perfection, death, everything. So we study our souls.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
Veils of love which was only hate petrified by longing--that was me.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
I was in love with the whole world and all that lived in its rainy arms.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
I am part of what she thinks is her illness, a symptom of which she thinks she has been cured. She, on the other hand, is what I was looking for.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
Here is the most telling fact: you wish to possess me.β¨
Here is another fact: I loved you and let you think you could.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Shadow Tag)
β
We have these earthly bodies. We don't know what they want. Half the time, we pretend they are under our mental thumb, but that is the illusion of the healthy and the protected. Of sedate lovers. For the body has emotions it conceives and carries through without concern for anyone or anything else. Love is one of those, I guess. Going back to something very old knit into the brain as we were growing. Hopeless. Scorching. Ordinary.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Antelope Wife)
β
How come we've got these bodies? They are frail supports for what we feel. There are times I get so hemmed in by my arms and legs I look forward to getting past them. As though death will set me free like a traveling cloud... I'll be out there as a piece of the endless body of the world feeling pleasures so much larger than skin and bones and blood.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
Freedom, I found is not only in the running but in the heart, the mind, the hands.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
Tu dois aimer. Tu dois ressentir. C'est la raison pour laquelle tu es ici sur terre. Tu es ici pour mettre ton coeur en danger
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
The greatest wisdom doesn't know itself. The richest plan is not to have one.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
I think she is confused by the way I want her, which is like nobody else. I know this deep down. I want her in a new way, a way she's never been told about.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Antelope Wife)
β
Very little is needed to make a happy life, he said.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
The door is open. Go.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
Of course, English is a very powerful language, a colonizer's language and a gift to a writer. English has destroyed and sucked up the languages of other cultures - its cruelty is its vitality.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
I hold his name close as my own blood and I will never let it out. I only spoke it that once so he would know he was alive.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
When he needed to calm his mind, he opened a book. Any book. He had never failed to feel refreshed, even if the book was no good.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
It didn't occur to me that my books would be widely read at all, and that enabled me to write anything I wanted to. And even once I realized that they were being read, I still wrote as if I were writing in secret. That's how one has to write anyway--in secret.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Lastly, if you should ever doubt that a series of dry words in a government document can shatter spirits and demolish lives, let this book erase that doubt. Conversely, if you should be of the conviction that we are powerless to change those dry words, let this book give you heart.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
Can you stop your mother from singing to you? Who would do such a thing?
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Sometimes owls came near to warn of death. Sometimes they just asked people to be careful. Sometimes they were just owls.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse)
β
There are ways of being abandoned even when your parents are right there.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
A smile of remembrance of lost times.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
Small bookstores have the romance of doomed intimate spaces about to be erased by unfettered capitalism.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
I love statistics because they place what happens to a scrap of humanity, like me, on a worldwide scale.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
All of our actions have in their doing the seed of their undoing. ... That in her creation of her children there should be the unspeakable promise of their death, for by their birth she had created mortal beings.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Antelope Wife)
β
We have a lot of books in our house. They are our primary decorative motif-books in piles and on the coffee table, framed book covers, books sorted into stacks on every available surface, and of course books on shelves along most walls. Besides the visible books, there are books waiting in the wings, the basement books, the garage books, the storage locker books...They function as furniture, they prop up sagging fixtures and disguised by quilts function as tables...I can't imagine a home without an overflow of books. The point of books is to have way too many but to always feel you never have enough, or the right one at the right moment, but then sometimes to find you'd longed to fall asleep reading the Aspern Papers, and there it is.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Books and Islands in Ojibwe Country (National Geographic Directions))
β
What men call adventures usually consist of the stoical endurance of appalling daily misery.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
And Patrice thought another thing her mother said was definitely trueβyou never really knew a man until you told him you didnβt love him. Thatβs when his true ugliness, submerged to charm you, might surface.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
The story comes around, pushing at our brains, and soon we are trying to ravel back to the beginning, trying to put families into order and make sense of things. But we start with one person, and soon another and another follows, and still another, until we are lost in the connections.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Bingo Palace)
β
So many things in the world have happened before. But it's like they never did. Every new thing that happens to a person, it's a first... In that night I felt expansion, as if the world was branching out in shoots and growing faster than the eye could see. I felt smallness, how the earth divided into bits and kept dividing. I felt stars.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
The world was filling with ghosts. We were a haunted country in a haunted world.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
Your life feels different on you, once you greet death and understand your heartβs position. You wear your life like a garment from the mission bundle sale ever after β lightly because you realize you never paid nothing for it, cherishing because you know you wonβt ever come by such a bargain again.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
He was a bad thing waiting for a worse thing to happen.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
Because everything was alive, responsive in its own way, capable of being hurt in its own way, capable of punishment in its own way, Zhaanatβs thinking was built on treating everything around her with great care.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
...Grandpa's mind had left us, gone wild and wary. When I walked with him I could feel how strange it was. His thoughts swam between us, hidden under rocks, disappearing in weeds, and I was fishing for them, dangling my own words like baits and lures.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
This so gnawed at him on some nights that he lay awake wondering just how many unknown and similarly inconsequential accidents and bits of happenstance were at this moment occurring or failing to occur in order to ensure he took his next breath, and the next.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
Girls were not named for flowers, as flowers died so quickly. Girls were named for deathless things - forms of light, forms of cloud, shapes of stars, that which appears and disappears like an island on the horizon.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (LaRose)
β
The only answer to this, and it isn't an entire answer, said Father Travis, is that God made human beings free agents. We are able to choose good over evil, but the opposite too. And in order to protect our human freedom, God doesn't often, very often at least, intervene. God can't do that without taking away our moral freedom. Do you see?
No. But yeah.
The only thing that God can do, and does all of the time, is to draw good from any evil situation.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Round House)
β
We are so brief. A one-day dandelion. A seedpod skittering across the ice. We are a feather falling from the wing of a bird. I donβt know why it is given to us to be so mortal and to feel so much. It is a cruel trick, and glorious.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Future Home of the Living God)
β
Nothing makes Penstemon happier than handing a favorite book to someone who wants to read it. Iβm the same. I suppose you could say this delights us although βdelightβ is a word I rarely use. Delight seems insubstantial; happiness feels more grounded; ecstasy is what I shoot for; satisfaction is hardest to attain.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Sentence)
β
The music was more than music- at least what we are used to hearing. The music was feeling itself. The sound connected instantly with something deep and joyous. Those powerful moments of true knowledge that we have to paper over with daily life. The music tapped the back of our terrors, too. Things we'd lived through and didn't want to ever repeat. Shredded imaginings, unadmitted longings, fear and also surprisingly pleasures. No, we can't live at that pitch. But every so often something shatters like ice and we are in the river of our existence. We are aware. And this realization was in the music, somehow, or in the way Shamengwa played it.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Plague of Doves)
β
She had always been a readerβ¦ but now she was obsessed. Since her discovery of the book hoard downstairs from her job, sheβd been caught up in one such collection of people and their doings after the nextβ¦The pleasure of this sort of life β bookish, she supposed it might be called, a reading life β had made her isolation into a rich and even subversive thing. She inhabited one consoling or horrifying persona after anotherβ¦That she was childless and husbandless and poor meant less once she picked up a book. Her mistakes disappeared into it. She lived with an invented force.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Master Butchers Singing Club)
β
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone wonβt either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
They moved in dance steps too intricate for the noninitiated eye to imitate or understand. Clearly they were of one soul. Handsome, rangy, wildly various, they were bound in total loyalty, not by oath, but by the simple, unquestioning belongingness of part of one organism.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine (Love Medicine, #1))
β
You see I thought love got easier over, the years so it didnβt hurt so bad when it hurt, or feel so good when it felt good. I thought it smoothed out and old people hardly noticed it. I thought it curled up and died, I guess. Now I saw it rear up like a whip and lash. She loved him. She was jealous. She mourned him like the dead. And he just smiled into the air, trapped in the seams of his mind.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Love Medicine)
β
Things started going wrong, as far as Zhaanat was concerned, when places everywhere were named for peopleβpolitical figures, priests, explorersβand not for the real things that happened in these placesβthe dreaming, the eating, the death, the appearance of animals. This confusion of the chimookomaanag between the timelessness of the earth and the short span here of mortals was typical of their arrogance.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
i want to hear what's happened to you," she said evenly after a while. she gestured in the direction, down river, of the butcher shop. "it's just that there is nowhere else to start," she said gently. "niether of us is the same. but i'm different because of small, good, manageable things. you're different because ... things i don't know.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
Someone has been tortured on my behalf. Someone has been tortured on your behalf. Someone in this world will always be suffering on your behalf. If it comes your time to suffer, just remember. Someone suffered for you. That is what taking on a cloak of human flesh is all about, the willingness to hurt for another human being.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (Future Home of the Living God)
β
Her mind was present because she was always gone. Her hands were filled because they grasped the meaning of empty. Life was simple. Her husband returned and she served him with indifferent patience this time. When he asked what had happened to her heat for him, she gestured to the west.
The sun was setting. The sky was a body of fire.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Antelope Wife)
β
Coming down off the trail, I am lost in my own thoughts and unprepared when a bear chugs across the path just before it gives out on the gravel road. I am so distracted that I keep walking towards the bear. I only stop when it rears, stands on hind legs, and stares at me, sensitive nose pressed into the air, weak eyes searching. I have never been this close to a wild bear before, but I am not frightened. There is no menace in its stance; it is not even curious. The bear seems to know who or what I am. The bear is not impressed.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
In all, 113 tribal nations suffered the disaster of termination; 1.4 million acres of tribal land was lost. Wealth flowed to private corporations, while many people in terminated tribes died early, in poverty. Not one tribe profited. By the end, 78 tribal nations, including the Menominee, led by Ada Deer, regained federal recognition; 10 gained state but not federal recognition; 31 tribes are landless; 24 are considered extinct.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
β
Other freshmen were already moving into their dormitory rooms when we arrived, with their parents helping haul. I saw boxes of paperbacks, stereo equipment, Dylan albums and varnished acoustic guitars, home-knitted afghans, none as brilliant as mine, Janis posters, Bowie posters, Day-Glo bedsheets, hacky sacks, stuffed bears. But as we carried my trunk up two flights of stairs terror invaded me. Although I was studying French because I dreamed of going to Paris, I actually dreaded leaving home, and in the end my parents did not want me to leave, either. But this is how children are sacrificed into their futures: I had to go, and here I was. We walked back down the stairs. I was too numb to cry, but I watched my mother and father as they stood beside the car and waved. That moment is a still image; I can call it up as if it were a photograph. My father, so thin and athletic, looked almost frail with shock, while my mother, whose beauty was still remarkable, and who was known on the reservation for her silence and reserve, had left off her characteristic gravity. Her face and my father's were naked with love. It wasn't something thatwe talked aboutβlove. But they allowed me this one clear look at it. It blazed from them. And then they left.
β
β
Louise Erdrich
β
To join the company of women, to be adults, we go through a period of proudly boasting of having survived our own mother's indifference, anger, overpowering love, the burden of her pain, her tendency to drink or teetotal, her warmth or coldness, praise or criticism, sexual confusions or embarrassing clarity. It isn't enough that she sweat, labored, bore her daughters howling or under total anesthesia or both. No. She must be responsible for our psychic weaknesses the rest of her life. It is alright to feel kinship with your father, to forgive. We all know that. But your mother is held to a standard so exacting that it has no principles. She simply must be to blame.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)
β
She slowly became convincedβ¦that at the center of the universe not God but a tremendous deadness reigned. The stillness of a drunk God, passed out coldβ¦She had learned of it in that houseβ¦where the drunks crashedβ¦Things had happened to her there. She was neither raped nor robbed, nor did she experience Godβs absence to any greater degree than other people did. She wasnβt threatened or made to harm anyone against her will. She wasnβt beaten, either, or deprived of speech or voice. It was, rather, the sad blubbering stories she heard in the house. Delphine witnessed awful things occurring to other humans. Worse than that, she was powerless to alter their fate. It would be that way all her life β disasters, falling like chairs all around her, falling so close they disarranged her hair, but not touching her.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Master Butchers Singing Club)
β
What is the question we spend our entire lives asking? Our question is this: Are we loved? I donβt mean by one another. Are we loved by the one who made us? Constantly, we look for evidence. In the gifts we are givenβchildren, good weather, money, a happy marriage perhapsβwe find assurance. In contrast, our pains, illnesses, the deaths of those we love, our poverty, our innocent misfortunesβthose we take as signs that God has somehow turned away. But, my friends, what exactly is love here? How to define it? Does Godβs love have anything at all to do with the lack or plethora of good fortune at work in our lives? Or is Godβs love, perhaps, something very different from what we think we know?
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse)
β
It was something about being an Indian. And the government. The government acted like Indians owed them something, but wasnβt it the other way around? She hadnβt been educated in a boarding school or educated in any way about Indians. From her Catholic schooling, she would never have known about Indians at all except as a bunch of heathens who were vanquished or conveniently died off. Sheβd hardly known her family and was as assimilated as an Indian could be. And people hardly ever recognized her as an Indian. So why did she firmly see herself as an Indian? Why did she value this? Why did she not long for the anonymity of whiteness, the ease of it, the pleasures of fitting in? When people found out why she looked a little different, they would often say, βI never thought of you as an Indian.β And it would be said as a compliment. But it felt more like an insult.
β
β
Louise Erdrich (The Night Watchman)
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In praise of mu husband's hair
A woman is alone in labor, for it is an unfortunate fact that there is nobody who can have the baby for you. However, this account would be inadequate if I did not speak to the scent of my husband's hair. Besides the cut flowers he sacrifices his lunches to afford, the purchase of bags of licorice, the plumping of pillows, steaming of fish, searching out of chic maternity dresses, taking over of work, listening to complaints and simply worrying, there was my husband's hair.
His hair has always amazed stylists in beauty salons. At his every first appointment they gather their colleagues around Michael's head. He owns glossy and springy hair, of an animal vitality and resilience that seems to me so like his personality. The Black Irish on Michael's mother's side of the family have changeable hair--his great-grandmother's hair went from black to gold in old age. Michael's went from golden-brown of childhood to a deepening chestnut that gleams Modoc black from his father under certain lights. When pushing each baby I throw my arm over Michael and lean my full weight. When the desperate part is over, the effort, I turn my face into the hair above his ear. It is as though I am entering a small and temporary refuge. How much I want to be little and unnecessary, to stay there, to leave my struggling body at the entrance.
Leaves on a tree all winter that now, in your hand, crushed, give off a dry, true odor. The brass underside of a door knocker in your fingers and its faint metallic polish. Fresh potter's clay hardening on the wrist of a child. The slow blackening of Lent, timeless and lighted with hunger. All of these things enter into my mind when drawing into my entire face the scent of my husband's hair. When I am most alone and drowning and I think I cannot go on, it is breathing into his hair that draws me to the surface and restores my small courage.
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Louise Erdrich (The Blue Jay's Dance: A Birth Year)