Leaving A Toxic Relationship Quotes

Do not hold your breath for anyone, Do not wish your lungs to be still, It may delay the cracks from spreading, But eventually they will. Sometimes to keep yourself together You must allow yourself to leave, Even if breaking your own heart Is what it takes to let you breathe.

MISERABLE Release the toxic and infectious- Spreaders of misery, Souls destroying souls- And poisonous liars. Awaken from the hallucinations- And take back your heart. Reclaim your self-esteem- And leave the toxic be.

When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don't wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the "wait and see" tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.

Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. Even a broken heart can kill you. There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds. Don't turn your hair gray. Don't carve a roadmap of pain into the sweet wrinkles on your face. Don't lay in the quiet with your heart pounding like a trapped, frightened creature. For your own precious and beautiful life, and for those around you — seek help or get out before it is too late. This is your wake-up call!

If someone keeps bringing you down, perhaps it's time to get up and leave

When you leave, I feel like I'm alone with your demons.

Just because something is addictive doesn't mean that you will get addicted to it. But . . . if your stomach ties up in knots while you count the seconds waiting for a phone call from that special someone . . . if you hear a loud buzzing in your ears when you see a certain person's car (or one just like it) . . . if your eyes burn when you hear a random love song or see a couple holding hands . . . if you suffer the twin agonies of craving for and withdrawing from a series of unrequited crushes or toxic relationships . . . if you always feel like you're clutching at someone's ankle and dragged across the floor as they try to leave the room . . . welcome to the club.

It was in those moments that I became one of them, one of the leavers. I'm leaving and I'm never coming back, I thought. It felt powerful. I finally felt in control. Is this how it felt to all the others. the leavers, the takers, the breakers? I became what they were. I could disappear. -The Art of Leaving

I love him the most when we fight and I am scared that he will leave me.

You practically need resentment for survival. But when you truly love and care for yourself, you do not need resentment to leave a toxic situation. Self-love is a far greater (and more pleasant) motivator.

Never leave your life plan to be determined by people who are not going where you are going. For the sake of your dreams and also for the sake of the people God created to benefit from your God-give talents, stay away from toxic people. Mount the shoulder giants and see farther ahead!

If you’re afraid to stand up to their toxicity because they focus on your reaction more than their own hurtful behavior, it’s time to leave. No more page turning… that’s what got you there in the first place… it’s time to close the book.

Staying, when you know you need to leave, is not a kindness to anyone. Least of all yourself. But leaving, when everything in you wants to find a reason to stay, requires more kindness than you can possibly imagine. We think we need strength and bravery to leave. I wonder if what we need is more softness. If you need to leave, dig deep for every ounce of grace and mercy you have to muster. You’re going to need it.

You cannot simply leave your success to chance. Find someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself and make them your mentor. This person will empower you to see a possible future, and believe that it can be obtained.

Sometimes loving from a distance is much better than trying to love up close. Love doesn't disappear when you leave a toxic or unhealthy relationship, you only begin to love yourself more....and self love enhances love for others..

The only question you need to be asking in a toxic relationship is this: If you were disfigured in an automobile accident and lost all your beauty would your husband still stay by your side and love you? Deep down in your soul you know the answer to this. The next question you need to ask is when are you going to leave.

Leave toxic people where they belong — in your past.

All right, Tess. You want it all? You don't care about consequences? Then it is too late. I could tell you to leave him alone. That he's complicated, not in a sexy way, but in a damaged way. I could tell you damage isn't sexy, it's scary. You're still young enough to think every experience will improve you in some long-term way, but it isn't true. How do you suppose damage gets passed on?

10 facts about abusive relationships (what i wish i'd known) 1. it's not always loud. it's not always obvious. the poison doesn't always hit you like a gunshot. sometimes, it seeps in quietly, slowly. sometimes, you don't even know it was ever there until months after. 2. love is not draining. love is not tiring. this is not how it is supposed to be. 3. apologies are like band-aids, when what you really need is stitches– they don't actually fix anything long-term. soon enough, you'll be bleeding again, but they will never give you what you really need. 4. this is not your fault. you did not turn them into this. this is how they are, how they've always been. you can't blame yourself. 5. there will be less good days than bad days but the good days will be so amazing that it will feel like everything is better than it actually is. your mind is playing tricks on itself and your heart is trying to convince itself that it made the right choice. 6. they do not love you. they can not love you. this is not love. 7. you're not wrong for wanting to run, so do it. listen to what your gut is telling you. 8. you will let them come back again and again before you realize that they only change long enough for you to let them in one more time. 9. it's okay to be selfish and leave. there is never any crime in putting yourself first. when they tell you otherwise, don't believe them. don't let them tear you down. they want to knock you off your feet so that they can keep you on the ground. 10. after, you will look back on this regretting all the chances given, all the time wasted. you will think about what you know now, and what you would do differently if given the chance. part of you will say that you would never have even given them the time of the day, but another part of you, the larger one, will say that even after everything, you wouldn't have changed a thing. and as much as it will bother you, eventually, you will realize that that is the part that is right. because as much as it hurts, as much as you wish you'd never felt that pain, it has taught you something. it has helped you grow. they brought you something that you would have never gotten from somebody else. at the end of the day, you will accept that even now, you wouldn't go about it differently at all.

Starting over with nothing is honestly more liberating than it is scary. I've had to leave situations with the clothes on my back and my daughter in my arms and that's it and it was so much better to handle the scary parts of change then it was to put up with the abuse.

People stay all the time where we know they should not. Even more, they stay where THEY know they should not. Against reason. At the risk of their bodies. At the risk of their sovereignty. At the risk of their heart. We humans are nothing if not tenaciously obtuse in the face of a story that wants to end itself.

The only question you need to be asking in a toxic relationship is this: If you were disfigured in an automobile accident and lost all your beauty would your husband still stay by your side and love you? Deep down in your soul you know the answer to this. The next questions you need to ask is when you are going to leave.

Core Wound: Like most protective selves, the avoidant wound seems to be largely based around a wound of rejection—specifically, any kind of humiliation or ridicule. These are shame-based experiences that can leave long-lasting imprints. While you may long for meaningful human contact deep down, the protective self is too afraid to experience genuine emotions. It worries that expressing emotions (especially negative ones) will cause you to seem crazy and be judged by others, pushing them away.

A toxic leader may achieve short-term success through fear and manipulation, but they will ultimately leave behind broken spirits and damaged organizations.

All she knows is that he leaves a trail of broken women in his wake, and she is the most broken of them all.

Narcissistic and toxic relationships leave you feeling depleted in a variety of ways: feeling like you aren’t good enough, chronically second-guessing yourself, often apologizing, and/or feeling as though you are losing your mind, helpless, hopeless, sad, depressed, anxious, unsettled, no longer getting pleasure out of your life, ashamed, guilty, and exhausted.

I plead to anyone who even thinks they are involved with a narcissist: Leave. Leave as soon as you are able. Don’t think you can rationalize your way out. Just leave. And don’t look back. It

Core Wound: People with BPD tend to be suffering from a deep wound of rejection or abandonment, which has planted an idea of inner defectiveness in them. This causes them to believe they are inherently worthless and unlovable—that they cannot be themselves, because no one will ever want that person. Note: People with BPD often think “being themselves” equates to being extremely emotional and sobbing, or being clingy and jealous, or manic and impulsive. So the protective self is on its best behavior (idealization period) until it feels safe, and then exposes these more and more dramatic qualities, until eventually people leave. But neither of these sides is who you truly are. They are both the protective self, one “perfect” and another “broken.” The protective self creates an infinite loop to keep you trapped and justify its own existence.

Healthy people don’t stay in unhealthy romantic relationships. Healthy people don’t ignore red flags when they’re falling for someone, they acknowledge the flags like there’s no tomorrow. Healthy people don’t let go of their boundaries because they make the person they are interested in uncomfortable, they stick to them. Healthy people aren’t passive-aggressive with their partners, they communicate effectively and affectionately. Healthy people don’t change their identity because their partner doesn’t like it, they stay true to who they are. Healthy people don’t tolerate abuse from their partner because they love them, they leave them instead

When they start backing away, you feel abandoned and betrayed, as though people only love you when you’re “perfect.” But no one asked you to be perfect, you chose to do that up front because you believed it was the only way people would love you. Then eventually you burn out, drop the mask, and act out. Then people leave and the protective self says, “Oh my God, people always leave me when I’m not perfect.” But that’s not the truth.

A sign of anxiety is ruminating on what-if questions: What if I cannot pay by bills? What if my partner leaves me? What if I get fired from my job? What-ifs are expecting something bad to happen and imagining worse case scenarios.

humility calls us to realize that what is toxic for us may not be toxic for others. If you have a toxic experience with someone that leaves you frustrated and discouraged, rethinking conversations late at night, finding your blood pressure rising, and (especially this!) seeing it keep you from being present with loved ones long after the toxic interaction is over, then for you that relationship isn’t healthy. But I’m reluctant to too hastily apply the label “toxic” in an absolutist sense.

you repair any breach in the relationship as quickly as possible. You want to restore a collaborative, nurturing connection with your child. Ruptures without repair leave both parent and child feeling disconnected. And if that disconnection is prolonged—and especially if it’s associated with your anger, hostility, or rage—then toxic shame and humiliation can grow in the child, damaging her emerging sense of self and her state of mind about how relationships work. It’s therefore vital that we make a timely reconnection with our kids after there’s been a rupture. It’s our responsibility as parents to do this.

He guided me into the house and walked me to the shower. He ran the water and cared for me as if I was an upset toddler or an elderly person who could no longer care for herself. He washed me hair and gently washed my body, while I cried as if the world was ending. For me, it seemed it was. -The Art of Leaving

After some harshness to her [...] She would say to herself: 'Thus is the end, I won't bear it any more. I shall go from him and never come back'; and then sit white-faced and tight-lipped over the evening meal in the stuffy parlor behind the shop. [...] She could never go from him without her own life leaving her.

What Is Emotional Processing? Emotional processing is a method of reflection and introspection that helps you transform an emotional experience or feeling into useful information for your psyche to consider. When applied to your healing process and filtered through a healthy lens, this information can provide the stabilization you’ll need to move forward in your recovery.

In the unrelenting chase of what is “best,” many of us can unknowingly allow our lives to become defined by materialism. Materialism isn’t simply about loving certain logos or buying nice stuff; rather, it’s a value system that defines our goals and attention and how we spend our days. And it can leave us not just exhausted but unmoored. Pursuing materialistic goals, like high-status careers and money, causes us to invest our time and energy into things that take time away from investing in our social connections, a habit that can make us feel isolated over time. Ironically, the more isolated we feel, the more likely we are to pursue materialistic goals that we hope, even subconsciously, will draw people to us. Acquiring status markers, we believe, will make us worthy of the human connection we crave. It’s a vicious cycle: some people may become materialistic not because they love money more but because they have underdeveloped connections. Instead of attaching to people, they attach to material goods and status markers to fill the void and to try to get the emotional security they’re lacking. But this approach can backfire and undermine the very relationships we’re trying to foster. In fact, people who prioritize materialistic goals tend to have weaker, more transactional relationships: you do for me, I do for you.

We have no obligation to endure or enable certain types of certain toxic relationships. The Christian ethic muddies these waters because we attach the concept of long-suffering to these damaging connections. We prioritize proximity over health, neglecting good boundaries and adopting a Savior role for which we are ill-equipped. Who else we'll deal with her?, we say. Meanwhile, neither of you moves towards spiritual growth. She continues toxic patterns and you spiral in frustration, resentment and fatigue. Come near, dear one, and listen. You are not responsible for the spiritual health of everyone around you. Nor must you weather the recalcitrant behavior of others. It is neither kind nor gracious to enable. We do no favors for an unhealthy friend by silently enduring forever. Watching someone create chaos without accountability is not noble. You won't answer for the destructive habits of an unsafe person. You have a limited amount of time and energy and must steward it well. There is a time to stay the course and a time to walk away. There's a tipping point when the effort becomes useless, exhausting beyond measure. You can't pour antidote into poison forever and expect it to transform into something safe, something healthy. In some cases, poison is poison and the only sane response is to quit drinking it. This requires honest self evaluation, wise counselors, the close leadership of the Holy Spirit, and a sober assessment of reality. Ask, is the juice worth the squeeze here. And, sometimes, it is. You might discover signs of possibility through the efforts, or there may be necessary work left and it's too soon to assess. But when an endless amount of blood, sweat and tears leaves a relationship unhealthy, when there is virtually no redemption, when red flags are frantically waved for too long, sometimes the healthiest response is to walk away. When we are locked in a toxic relationship, spiritual pollution can murder everything tender and Christ-like in us. And a watching world doesn't always witness those private kill shots. Unhealthy relationships can destroy our hope, optimism, gentleness. We can lose our heart and lose our way while pouring endless energy into an abyss that has no bottom. There is a time to put redemption in the hands of God and walk away before destroying your spirit with futile diligence.

Trust that all the love you’ve been giving to the wrong person will find its way to all of the people who are meant to be in your life. I know that leaving your comfort zone is scary, but if this relationship is putting out your light, you need to stand up for yourself and trust your decision. Don’t let anyone else devalue your emotions and how this relationship makes you feel. There is so much more to life than a toxic, negative relationship. There is so much more love to discover; you just need to be brave. It’s all in your hands now.

Candace was actually using her boyfriend and all of the conditions in her outer world to reaffirm who she thought she was. Her need to feel anger, frustration, insecurity, unworthiness, fear, and victimization was associated with that relationship. Even though it wasn’t serving her greatest ideal, she was too afraid of change to remedy the situation. In fact, she became so bonded to those emotions, because they reaffirmed her identity, that she would rather feel those familiar toxic feelings constantly than leave and embrace the unfamiliar—to step from the known into the unknown. Candace began to believe that she was her emotions, and as a result, she memorized a personality based on the past that she’d create

After all, there’s no sort of guarantee when it comes to love, nor about feeling any sort of way that leaves you attached to another person. We’re unpredictable, almost toxic in a way. If there’s anything I’ve learned since the first day I made this discovery, it’s the fact that we shouldn’t have the sort of relationship that we do. We shouldn’t associate with one another. I shouldn’t care about you. Because like I claimed already, there’s inevitably going to be one person who cares more than the other person does, who feels more than the other person does. And in learning this, in learning that I care more about you than you do about me, I’ve found that I’ve given you the uncanny ability to break me down and, above all else, to destroy me.

The rise of loneliness as a health hazard tracks with the entrenchment of values and practices that supersede any notion of "individual choices." The dynamics include reduced social programs, less available "common" spaces such as public libraries, cuts in services for the vulnerable and the elderly, stress, poverty, and the inexorable monopolization of economic life that shreds local communities. By way of illustration, let's take a familiar scenario: Walmart or some other megastore decides to open one of its facilities in a municipality. Developers are happy, politicians welcome the new investment, and consumers are pleased at finding a wide variety of goods at lower prices. But what are the social impacts? Locally owned and operated small businesses cannot compete with the marketing behemoth and must close. People lose their jobs or must find new work for lower pay. Neighborhoods are stripped of the familiar hardware store, pharmacy, butcher, baker, candlestick maker. People no longer walk to their local establishment, where they meet and greet one another and familiar merchants they have known, but drive, each isolated in their car, to a windowless, aesthetically bereft warehouse, miles away from home. They might not even leave home at all — why bother, when you can order online? No wonder international surveys show a rise in loneliness. The percentage of Americans identifying themselves as lonely has doubled from 20 to 40 percent since the 1980s, the New York Times reported in 2016. Alarmed by the health ravages, Britain has even found it necessary to appoint a minister of loneliness. Describing the systemic founts of loneliness, the U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy wrote: "Our twenty-first-century world demands that we focus on pursuits that seem to be in constant competition for our time, attention, energy, and commitment. Many of these pursuits are themselves competitions. We compete for jobs and status. We compete over possessions, money, and reputations. We strive to stay afloat and to get ahead. Meanwhile, the relationships we prize often get neglected in the chase." It is easy to miss the point that what Dr. Murthy calls "our twenty-first-century world" is no abstract entity, but the concrete manifestation of a particular socioeconomic system, a distinct worldview, and a way of life.

They will leave you alone with your thoughts, planting subtle hints and suggestions over social networking to encourage your paranoia.

There is plenty of research and data clearly demonstrating that while employees may choose to join an organization because of the brand, benefits, and other perceived rewards, they invariably choose to leave an organization because of their relationship with their immediate supervisor. I would also suggest that people choose to leave when they experience a toxic work environment and when they do not have a strong relationship (an Ally) among their peers. Employees, especially talented high performers, always have a

In the months since leaving my husband’s home, I asked this question of myself almost every day. So many of the labels that I had accepted over the years described relationships: daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, mother. In the in-between phase of separation, was I still a wife? Could I check the box for “married” even though I didn’t (and did not want to) share a house with my estranged spouse? If I stripped off the labels that did not fit, who or what would I be? I was still a daughter, a sister, and a mother. Why then did I feel so bereft?

commiserating and complaining with another miserable individual, but the minute he’s in a good mood he will abandon the toxic, annoying person. He seeks solace with somebody who feels as he does, but when he no longer feels that way he will instantly leave this relationship. This is because he never liked the person (at least not for this similarity); he enjoyed only the shared attitude.

Do I stay or leave the relationship? It's not about what decision you are making; it's about the process, the steps you take of how you arrive at the decision to stay or leave and how you do it.

The only question you need to be asking in a toxic relationship is this: If you were disfigured in an automobile accident and lost all your beauty would your husband still stay by your side and love you? Deep down in your soul you know the answer to this. The next question you need to ask is when you are going to leave.

These relationships can leave people thrown off in all areas of their lives. People who are in marriages or relationships with narcissistic, entitled, toxic partners will report having problems with decision-making at work and in other areas of life; apologizing to everyone, even for issues that are unrelated to them; a fear of making plans or setting goals, because there is the assumption that they will not be realized or that the people cannot make those plans happen because they are not good enough or will not be allowed to pursue them;

Toxic people will often assert that it is not fair that you may have found happiness after leaving any form of relationship with them, as though there is some form of suffering (more than you already endured) that you need to experience or a punishment that needs to be enacted because you had the chutzpah and courage to distance yourself or walk away from the toxic situation altogether.

Narcissistic and toxic relationships tend to hijack our brains, leaving our bodies to do the heavy lifting. Over the years, I have had myriad clients who spent decades contriving complex rationalizations and excuses and downright amnesia for a narcissistic or toxic person’s behavior. And then, one day, their bodies gave out.

Complex PTSD is a result of prolonged or repeated trauma over a period of months or years. Here are some common symptoms of Complex PTSD: reliving trauma through flashbacks and nightmares dizziness or nausea when recalling memories avoiding situations or places that remind you of the trauma or abuser hyperarousal, which means being in a continual state of high alert the belief that the world is a dangerous place, a loss of faith and belief in the goodness of others a loss of trust in yourself or others difficulty sleeping being jumpy—sensitive to stimuli hypervigilance—constantly observing others’ behavior, searching for signs of bad behavior and clues that reveal bad intentions low self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence emotional regulation difficulties—you find yourself being more emotionally triggered than your usual way of being; you may experience intense anger or sadness or have thoughts of suicide preoccupation with an abuser—it is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse detachment from others—wanting to isolate yourself, withdraw from life challenges in relationships, including difficulty trusting others, possibly seeking out a rescuer, or even getting into another relationship with an abuser because it is familiar disassociation—feeling detached from yourself and your emotions depression—sadness and low energy, a lack of motivation toxic guilt and shame—a feeling that somehow you deserved to be abused, or that your failure to leave earlier is a sign of weakness destructive self-harming behavior—abusing drugs and alcohol is a common result of ongoing trauma; this can also include overeating to soothe and self-medicate. The flip side can be harming yourself through not eating. These behaviors develop during the period of trauma as a way to deal with or forget about the trauma and emotional pain.

You are a very bad substance that I got addicted to. I find your advantages less than your disadvantages. You make me forget the important aspects in my life. You leave me broke and out every time.

The same fears that plague anyone in a narcissistic or toxic relationship—fear of being alone, fear of being ostracized, fear of having to meet new friends—can stymie people in toxic friendships and leave them to keep enduring the abuse by the friend.

I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you. I left because the longer I stayed, the less I loved myself. –Rupi Kaur

It's not easy to recognize how to handle a mentally unstable ex-partner. Many people will tell you to walk away, but sometimes it's not that easy. There may be legal obligations or shared children and family and community ties that make it challenging to leave them. If you've experienced abuse, there is the added complication that the abusive partner will often rely on you for emotional support and material support, even after they have mistreated you.

In the pursuit of academic excellence, toxic leadership drains the joy and passion out of learning, leaving behind a hollow educational experience.

There can be times,” she says, slowly, “when you’re vulnerable. It leaves you open to . . . the wrong things. The wrong people. The wrong people, making the wrong choices.

If you have ever been in a relationship with, or are experiencing narcissistic abuse, then you probably know how hard it is to leave. You know what you need to do, you think about the ways you can escape, and you gain the courage to do it, but then, you don’t. You don’t because something brings you back in. You sit there and think of all the good memories, then think about what would happen after you actually left, then you think about all the things that haven’t happened yet, or maybe if you stayed things would get better due to whatever excuse you come up with. This is another form of fear. Your mind has you trapped as a result of the abuse to the point where, when you do decide to or try to leave, you feel a flood of panic. The fear is something many of us can’t seem to overcome, so we stay in the relationship hoping that things will get better, or that things will be okay. But it never does, so you start from the beginning, getting ready to leave again. It’s a vicious cycle that no one should have to go through. If you find yourself sitting there most of the time asking yourself, “should I stay, should I go,” then you most likely already know the answer to this, and should go. Things don’t get better; they only repeat themselves. The narcissist you are involved with will always make promises they can’t keep, and they will always build you up for the main purpose of thrashing you down.

Don’t ask me why I didn't leave, he made my world so small, I couldn't see the exit. I’m surprised I got out at all.” ― Poem by Canadian poet, Rupi Kaur

The stranger’s eyes gleamed with impossible knowings, as though he had seen the first creature crawl onto the land, the first leaves unfurl, the first great reptile bite down and ruin its prey...

Men who prioritize momentry pleasures and personal obsessions over family time and connection forfeit the privilege of having a family. Their selfish addiction to gym, work, TV, and sports reveals a misguided priority, leaving their loved ones emotionally starved and heartsick. Family is a sacred trust, requiring nurture and presence. Let us not neglect our sacred responsibility, lest we suffer the consequences of a family in pain and a home in shambles.

A husband's insatiable appetite consumes more than just food, devouring his health, draining his family's resources, and poisoning his relationships with a toxic blend of gluttony and addiction, leaving a trail of medical bills and loved ones' worries in its wake.

The house was burning. The kitchen was on fire. All I smelled were the coffee beans from Tuesday morning. You stand between the thought of staying and leaving because toxicity is a dangerous electricity.

Once you have created your list the next step is to identify each individual entry as something that belongs to you or something that comes from the heart and mind of someone else. How you mark the items on your list is up to you, the important thing is that you clearly differentiate those things that are yours from those things that aren’t. You can put an “x” next to the items that don’t come from your heart and mind, and a check mark next to those things that do. Alternatively, you can cross off the items that are alien, leaving your thoughts, hopes and dreams unmarked. In the end, all that matters is that you do what feels best to you.

What's she crying about now? Didn't Justin leave months ago? They're right, I have no idea why this particular stage of Justin's new relationship bothers me so much. I'd already decided I was going to move out properly this time and it's not like I wanted him to marry me or anything, I just thought... he'd come back. That's what's always happened before. He goes off, doors slam, he freezes me out, ignores my calls, but then realizes his mistake and just when I think I am ready to to start getting over him, there he is again. Holding out his hand and telling me to come on some kind of amazing adventure.

Why did I stay? My self-esteem was ruined for a very long time. I was socially isolated from my family and friends. I kept everything that was going on in my marriage a secret. I feared for my safety if I left him. I was financially dependent on my spouse. I am an educated woman who was working towards a master’s degree when I met him. He persuaded me to stop school after the birth of our first son. Eventually, he trapped me in his web of lies. I believe I suffered from Stockholm syndrome for many years. It isn’t easy to leave. Unless you have lived in an abusive relationship, a typical person wouldn’t understand. It seems perfectly logical to an outsider that it would be easy to leave an abusive relationship. It truly isn’t and walking away is terrifying for a victim. No one deserves to live his or her life as a prisoner. Love shouldn’t hurt and abuse is not love. —Mary Laumbach-Perez

Imagine loving someone with everything you have, only for them to leave you nothing but a shell of yourself.

Some researchers consider this move from “behavior to be changed in the future” to a “self that is fundamentally flawed” as the outcome for children who experience repeated parental hostility in response to their behavior. Toxic shame and humiliation can continue through childhood and into adulthood, even beneath the surface of awareness, leaving individuals with a hidden “secret” that they are permanently and deeply defective. A cascade of negative consequences—having trouble with close relationships that might reveal this hidden secret, feeling unworthy, being driven to succeed in life but never feeling satisfied—can then dominate the individual’s life. You as a parent can avoid giving your child this negative cascade of toxic shame by learning how to create needed structure without humiliating your child. That’s an achievable goal, and we are committed to making that path available to you if you choose it.

Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. (..) There is an undeniable mind-body connection. Your arguments and hateful talk can land you in the emergency room or in the morgue. You were not meant to live in a fever of anxiety; screaming yourself hoarse in a frenzy of dreadful, panicked fight-or-flight that leaves you exhausted and numb with grief. You were not meant to live like animals tearing one another to shreds.

These things won’t necessarily be overly complicated, and the direction you need to establish in order to achieve them will be fairly straight forward. However, in the event that you want to change your life in more profound ways, such as leaving the town or city in which you live, getting a better education, training for a new career, or even something more profound such as entering politics, you will need to steer your life in a precise direction, one that leads you away from your codependent past and toward your newfound life-goal.

The “love” of formerly abused children for their parents is not love. It is an attachment fraught with expectations, illusions, and denials, and it exacts a high price from all those involved in it. The price of this attachment is paid primarily by the next generation of children, who grow up in a spirit of mendacity because their parents automatically inflict on them the things they believe “did them good.” Young parents themselves also frequently pay for their denial with serious damage to their health because their “gratitude” stands in contradiction to the knowledge stored in their bodies. The frequent failure of therapy can be explained by the fact that most therapists are themselves caught up in the snare of traditional morality and attempt to drag their clients into the same kind of captivity because it is all they know. As soon as clients start to feel and become capable of roundly condemning the deeds, say, of an incestuous father, therapists will probably be assailed by fear of punishment at the hands of their own parents if they should dare to look their own truth in the face and express it for what it is. How else can we explain the fact that forgiveness is declared to be an instrument of healing? Therapists frequently propose this to reassure themselves, just as the parents did. But because it sounds very similar to the messages communicated to them in childhood by their parents, albeit expressed in a more friendly way, some patients may need some time to see through the pedagogic angle of it. And even once they finally have recognized it, they can hardly leave their therapist, especially if a new toxic attachment has already formed, if for them, the therapist has become like a mother who has helped them to a new birth (because in this new relationship they have started to feel). So they may continue to expect salvation from the therapist instead of listening to their body and accepting the aid its signals represent. Once clients, accompanied by an enlightened witness, have lived through and understood their fear of their parents (or parental figures), they can gradually start to break off destructive attachments. The positive reaction of the body will not be long in coming: its communications will become more and more comprehensible; it will cease to express itself in mysterious symptoms. Then clients will realize that their therapists have deceived them (frequently involuntarily) because forgiveness actually prevents the formation of scar tissue over the old wounds, not to speak of complete recovery. And it can never dispel the compulsion to repeat the same pattern over and over again. This is something we can all find out from our own experience.

The fact is, “The Independent Millennial Woman” is not a woman who takes pride in being alone, or exuding masculine energy, in fact she possesses a set of invaluable skills—high emotional intelligence, good judgment, specialized knowledge, and a vast network of possibilities. Stephenson tackles the hard truth that women are losing their power in relationships, women are no longer leaving relationships and African-American women are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem which in turn leads them to remain in unhealthy relationships for validation purposes.

Toxic relationships leave mental scars that have a long-lasting impact on you as a person as well as your future. They change your view of yourself and how you approach and operate in future romantic relationships.

And most of all I’m furious at how devoted I am to it, and how much I don’t want to leave it. Because the more my eyes begin to open about harmful relationships, the more I see them everywhere, and the clearer it becomes that the longest running toxic love of my life has actually been my career.