“
Like my grandmother always said, “Your opinions are valid and important. Unless it’s some stupid bullshit you’re being shitty about, in which case you can just go fuck yourself.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
You should just accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren't, then eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself the effort and enjoy your zombie books.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Don’t make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
There will be moments when you have to be a grown-up. Those moments are tricks. Do not fall for them.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Depression is like … when you don’t want cheese anymore. Even though it’s cheese.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Last month, as Victor drove me home so I could rest, I told him that sometimes I felt like his life would be easier without me. He paused a moment in thought and then said, “It might be easier. But it wouldn’t be better.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth: Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortably numb. Because you can’t always control your brain or your emotions even when things are perfect.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Pretend you’re good at it.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
You sleep okay, sweetie?”
“Miss my teddy,” Billie replied.
Personally, I thought Detective Mitch Lawson was far superior to a tiny pink teddy bear but I wasn’t six years old.
”
”
Kristen Ashley (Law Man (Dream Man, #3))
“
Truths are written, never said... Lines are drawn, but then they fade.
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
I can’t think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Normal is boring. Weird is better. Goats are awesome, but only in small quantities.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
You don’t have to go to some special private school to be an artist. Just look at the intricate beauty of cobwebs. Spiders make them with their butts.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
and whenever I had menstral cramps, I could just pretend that Voldemort was close.
”
”
Jenny Lawson
“
When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
It’s about taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they’re the same moments we take into battle with us
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
No really. What exactly did you do today, Jenny? Quantify it for me."
"It's not quantifiable. There aren't even metrics for the shit I do.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I’m having one of those rare days where I love people and all of the amazing wonder they’re capable of and if someone fucks that up for me I will stab them right in the face.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Ridge Lawson, will you sign my boobs?
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
The amount of money I would pay for people to stop fucking up grammar is only slightly lower than the amount I’d give to ensure I never have grammatical errors in the statements I make calling others out on their grammatical errors.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Sometimes stunned silence is better than applause.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
There’s something about depression that allows you (or sometimes forces you) to explore depths of emotion that most “normal” people could never conceive of.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
When I walked into your room and sat down beside you on the bed, I felt it.
I felt you give me a piece of your heart.
And Sydney, I wanted it. I wanted your heart more than I've ever wanted anything. The second I reached down and held your hand in mine, it happened. My heart made its choice, and it chose you.
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us: Brighter days are coming. Clearer sight will arrive. And you will arrive too. No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I’ve lost.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Me: Oh! One time in high school, I spent the night at a girl's house who I didn't know very well. We made out. I wasn't into it, and it was really gross, but I was seventeen and curious.
Ridge: No. That does NOT count as a flaw, Sydney. Jesus Christ, work with me here.
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
If you put a bunch of chameleons on top of a bunch of chameleons on top of a bowl of Skittles what would happen? Is that science? Because if so, I finally get why people want to do science.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Sweet Pea, the way you eat means you got tits and ass. This is good because I like tits and ass. This is bad because Tack and Lawson like 'em just as much as me. Then he shoved his noodles and veg into his mouth and said with his mouth full, Tack maybe more.
”
”
Kristen Ashley (Mystery Man (Dream Man, #1))
“
What I want you to know: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Clinical depression is no fucking picnic.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I turn and look at them, at both halves of my heart, cuddled tightly together in a bed of irony.
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
I don't believe you can ever really cook unless you love eating.
”
”
Nigella Lawson
“
I used to feel a lot of guilt about having depression but then I realized that’s a lot like feeling guilty for having brown hair.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tries to convince me otherwise.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
To stave off the panic associated with the absence of a primary object, borderline patients frequently will impulsively engage in behaviors that numb the panic and establish contact with and control over some new object.
”
”
Christine Ann Lawson (Understanding the Borderline Mother)
“
How in the world could they have killed themselves? They had everything.” But they didn’t. They didn’t have a cure for an illness that convinced them they were better off dead.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Forgive yourself. For being broken. For being you. For thinking those are things that you need forgiveness for.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Broken (In the Best Possible Way))
“
I can tell you that “Just cheer up” is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever. It’s pretty much the equivalent of telling someone who just had their legs amputated to “just walk it off.” Some people don’t understand that for a lot of us, mental illness is a severe chemical imbalance rather just having “a case of the Mondays.” Those same well-meaning people will tell me that I’m keeping myself from recovering because I really “just need to cheer up and smile.” That’s when I consider chopping off their arms and then blaming them for not picking up their severed arms so they can take them to the hospital to get reattached.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina’s mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I’d be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
He leaned deeper toward me and said softly, "I'm gonna tell you what I make of this. What I make of it, Gwendolyn, is if my woman had a sister who I knew was in some serious shit, she would not be havin' a chat with Kane Allen, she would not be sleepin' alone and therefore she would not ever have to worry about whether she needs a baseball bat of crowbar because she'd be in bed beside me." Mitch Lawson
”
”
Kristen Ashley (Mystery Man (Dream Man, #1))
“
The phrase “Rest in peace” seems incredibly self-serving. It basically means, “Stay in your grave. Don’t haunt me.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
You are alive. You have fought and battled them. You are scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and were perhaps even close to giving up, but you did not.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Ludicrous? Seems like wherever you go, trouble follows you.”
“Look, Deputy Lawson. I had nothing to do with all this. I was just have a beer and minding my own business until this woman sat down next to me and said, ‘Can you help me, Mr. Ludef…’ She didn’t even finish the sentence. The next thing I know she’s laying on the deck. I don’t know who she is or why she sought me out.”
“Seems like I’ve heard this story before. You have a nasty reputation of people dying around you.”
“You know better. That comes with the occupation.”
“And you know the drill. Don’t leave town until we get to the bottom of this.
”
”
Behcet Kaya (Treacherous Estate (Jack Ludefance, #1))
“
That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didn't want any of those things. I didn't want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
”
”
Henry Lawson
“
You’ve overthought this. Well, I have an anxiety disorder. This is what it’s like in my head all the time.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Knock-knock, motherfucker.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't
actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your
mind?
”
”
Jenny Lawson
“
One of the best things you can do as a parent is to realize that your child is nothing like you, and everything like you.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
What if I wish for impossible things?
Then you're doing it right. It always seems impossible when you first start.
”
”
T.J. Klune (In the Lives of Puppets)
“
But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
It's true, I did say I wanted girlfriends," I capitulated hesitantly, "but couldn't we start with something smaller and less terrifying? Like maybe spend a weekend at a crack house? I heard those people are very nonjudgmental, and if you accidentally say something offensive you can just blame it on their hallucinations.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Suddenly he saw himself as others in the crowd must surely see him; a silent, solitary figure, standing apart from the rest. He looked out at the hoardes of singing, laughing people and felt more alone than he'd ever felt in his life. Was this how it was going to be then? Was this who he was? A man apart from his fellows, making the journey through life alone?
”
”
Mary Lawson (The Other Side of the Bridge)
“
What are the rules?
Stick together!
Run if we have to.
Na dallying!
No drilling.
And above all else, be brave!
”
”
T.J. Klune (In the Lives of Puppets)
“
Hi," he says simply.
I laugh. "Hi."
He looks around the room nervously before his eyes fall back to mine. "Is that good enough?" he asks.
I cock my head, because I don't really understand his question. "Is what good enough?"
He grins. "I was hoping that was enough talk for tonight."
Oh.
I get his question now.
”
”
Colleen Hoover (Maybe Someday (Maybe, #1))
“
you can’t grow without acknowledging that we are all made up from the weirdness that we try to hide from the rest of the world.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I don’t get the anti-slut-shaming movement. They’re like, “Don’t shame the sluts,” and I’m like, “You’re the one calling them sluts.” It’s like having a “Lay off the fatties” campaign.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Technically, if I were farther away from the center of the Earth then I’d be subjected to less gravity and then I would weigh less. So I’m not really fat. I’m just not high enough.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
My primary thoughts during the holidays are ‘Stab. Stab. Stab. Run away.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I am very aware of the fact that I’m not right. I know hiding under tables and in bathrooms isn’t normal. I know that I’ve carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn’t survive any other way.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.
And each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization. Pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.
”
”
Christine Ann Lawson (Understanding the Borderline Mother)
“
Lawson, also known by his call sign of Hiker, had been my best friend since our navy days. He now had the distinction of being the sheriff of Santa Rosaria.
“Where the hell are you? It sounds like you’re far away.”
“I’m on the top deck of a cruise ship in the Panama Canal.”
“Swamp, I’m busy. I don’t have time for your jokes.”
“Then why the hell did you call me?”
“I’m calling because some hot shot lawyer called my office for a character reference on you.”
“Why?”
“I’ll ask you the same question. Why? Are you in some kind of trouble?”
“Of course I’m not in any kind of trouble! What did you say to him?”
“I told him you’re some kind of character.
”
”
Behcet Kaya (Appellate Judge (Jack Ludefance, #3))
“
I'm going to do something bigger and better,
bigger and better
and bolder, but first,
I'm going to do something
smaller and worse.
”
”
JonArno Lawson
“
As it is with all stories, fast cars, wild bears, mental illness, and even life, only one truth remains: your mileage may vary.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
High School Is Life’s Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
One ox, two oxen. One fox, two foxen.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
Eating a peach is like eating a newborn baby’s head. In that it’s all soft and fuzzy. Not that peaches taste like babies. I don’t eat babies. Or peaches, actually. Because they remind me of eating babies. Vicious circle, really.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Most of my favorite people are dangerously fucked up but you’d never guess it because we’ve either become adept at hiding it or we’ve learned to bare it so honestly that it becomes the new normal. There’s a quote from The Breakfast Club that goes “We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it.” I have it on a poster but I took a Sharpie to it and scratched out the word “hiding” because it reminds me that there’s a certain pride and freedom that comes from wearing your unique bizarreness like a badge of honor.
”
”
Jenny Lawson
“
Oh, my ways are strange ways and new ways and old ways, And deep ways and steep ways and high ways and low, I'm at home and at ease on a track that I know not, And restless and lost on a road that I know.
”
”
Henry Lawson
“
I hope one day to be better, and I’m pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next I feel a wave of nausea, then panic. Then I can't catch my breath and I know I'm about to lose control and all I want to do is escape. Except that the one thing I can't escape from is the very thing I want to run away from... me.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
I’m not going to say I told you so” is pretty much the same thing as saying “I told you so.” Except worse because you’re saying “I told you so” and congratulating yourself for your restraint in not saying what you totally just said.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
AWESOME. In fact, I’m starting a whole movement right now. The FURIOUSLY HAPPY movement. And it’s going to be awesome because first of all, we’re all going to be VEHEMENTLY happy, and secondly because it will freak the shit out of everyone that hates you because those assholes don’t want to see you even vaguely amused, much less furiously happy, and it will make their world turn a little sideways and will probably scare the shit out of them. Which will make you even more happy. Legitimately. Then the world tips in our favor. Us: 1. Assholes: 8,000,000. That score doesn’t look as satisfying as it should because they have a bit of a head start. Except you know what? Fuck that. We’re starting from scratch. Us: 1. Assholes: 0.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
We listen to the small voice in the back of our head that says, “This medication is taking money away from your family. This medication messes with your sex drive or your weight. This medication is for people with real problems. Not just people who feel sad. No one ever died from being sad.” Except that they do.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I just want to clarify that I don't mean 'without my vagina' like I didn't have it with me at the time. I just mean that I wasn't, you know...displaying it while I was at Starbucks. That's probably understood, but I thought I should clarify, since it's the first chapter and you don't know that much about me. So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card. (In that I don't leave home without it. Not that I use it to buy stuff with.)
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
You learn to appreciate the fact that what drives you is very different from what you’re told should make you happy. You learn that it’s okay to prefer your personal idea of heaven (live-tweeting zombie movies from under a blanket of kittens) rather than someone else’s idea that fame/fortune/parties are the pinnacle we should all reach for. And there’s something surprisingly freeing about that.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
You have to figure out how to survive depression, which is really not easy because when you’re depressed you’re more exhausted than you’ve ever been in your life and your brain is lying to you and you feel unworthy of the time and energy (which you often don’t even have) needed to get help. That’s why you have to rely on friends and family and strangers to help you when you can’t help yourself.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Sometimes being crazy is a demon. And sometimes the demon is me. And I visit quiet sidewalks and loud parties and dark movies, and a small demon looks out at the world with me. Sometimes it sleeps. Sometimes it plays. Sometimes it laughs with me. Sometimes it tries to kill me. But it’s always with me. I suppose we’re all possessed in some way. Some of us with dependence on pills or wine. Others through sex or gambling. Some of us through self-destruction or anger or fear. And some of us just carry around our tiny demon as he wreaks havoc in our mind, tearing open old dusty trunks of bad memories and leaving the remnants spread everywhere. Wearing the skins of people we’ve hurt. Wearing the skins of people we’ve loved. And sometimes, when it’s worst, wearing our skins.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
Pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the memory of my high school years, but no matter how hard you try, it's always with you, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume...
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
“
We wish you a merry Christmas” is the most demanding song ever. It starts off all nice and a second later you have an angry mob at your door scream-singing, “Now bring us some figgy pudding and bring it RIGHT HERE. WE WON’T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME SO BRING IT RIGHT HERE.” Also, they’re rhyming “here” with “here.” That’s just sloppy. I’m not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands. There should be a remix of that song that homeowners can sing that’s all “I didn’t even ask for your shitty song, you filthy beggars. I’ve called the cops. Who is this even working on? Has anyone you’ve tried this on actually given you pudding? Fig-flavored pudding? Is that even a thing?” It doesn’t rhyme but it’s not like they’re trying either. And then the carolers would be like, “SO BRING US SOME GIN AND TONIC AND LET’S HAVE A BEER,” and then I’d be like, “Well, I guess that’s more reasonable. Fine. You can come in for one drink.” Technically that would be a good way to get free booze. Like trick-or-treat but for singy alcoholics. Oh my God, I finally understand caroling.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
“
I know other people who are like me... They are brilliant and amazing and forever broken. I'm lucky that although Victor doesn't understand it, he tries to understand, telling me, "Relax. There's absolutely nothing to panic about." I smile gratefully at him and pretend that's all I needed to hear and that this is just a silly phase that will pass one day. I know there's nothing to panic about. And that's exactly what makes it so much worse.
”
”
Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
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If you try to make a shrimp boil, but the bag of spices bursts, and so you just toss it in along with whatever spices you can find in the pantry--you can make homemade pepper spray. Unintentionally.
And everyone at your dinner party will run outside for the next hour, coughing and tearing up as if they've been maced, because technically they kind of have been, because mace was one of the spices I found in the panty. I blame whoever makes spice out of mace, and I remind my gasping dinner guests that even if I did mace them, I did it in an old fashioned, homemade, Martha Stewart sort of way. With love.
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Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
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The cat was freaked out because he was running away from the tinkle bell hanging out of his butthole and when I called the vet he said to definitely NOT pull on the twine because it could pull out his intestines, which would be the grossest piñata ever, and so I just ran after the cat with some scissors to cut off the tinkle bell (which, impressively, was still tinkling after seeing things no tinkle bell should ever see). Probably the cat was running away because of the tinkle bell and because I was chasing it with scissors screaming, “LET ME HELP YOU.
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Jenny Lawson
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In other words, stop judging yourself against shiny people. Avoid the shiny people. The shiny people are a lie. Or get to know them enough to realize they aren’t so shiny after all. Shiny people aren’t the enemy. Sometimes we’re the enemy when we listen to our malfunctioning brains that try to tell us that we’re alone in our self-doubt, or that it’s obvious to everyone that we don’t know what the shit we’re doing. Hell, there are probably people out there right now who consider us to be shiny people (bless their stupid, stupid hearts) and that’s pretty much proof that none of our brains can be trusted to accurately measure the value of anyone, much less ourselves. How can we be expected to properly judge ourselves? We know all of our worst secrets. We are biased, and overly critical, and occasionally filled with shame. So you’ll have to just trust me when I say that you are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart. You may ask how I know and I’ll tell you how. It’s because right now? YOU’RE READING. That’s what the sexy people do. Other, less awesome people might currently be in their front yards chasing down and punching squirrels, but not you. You’re quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person. You win. You are amazing.
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Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
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When I look at my life I see high-water marks of happiness and I see the lower places where I had to convince myself that suicide wasn’t an answer. And in between I see my life. I see that the sadness and tragedy in my life made the euphoria and delicious ecstasy that much more sweet. I see that stretching out my soul to feel every inch of horrific depression gave me more room to grow and enjoy the beauty of life that others might not ever appreciate. I see that there is dust in the air that will eventually settle onto the floor to be swept out the door as a nuisance, but before that, for one brilliant moment I see the dust motes catch sunlight and sparkle and dance like stardust. I see the beginning and the end of all things. I see my life. It is beautifully ugly and tarnished in just the right way. It sparkles with debris. There is wonder and joy in the simplest of things.
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Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
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Do you know about the spoons? Because you should. The Spoon Theory was created by a friend of mine, Christine Miserandino, to explain the limits you have when you live with chronic illness. Most healthy people have a seemingly infinite number of spoons at their disposal, each one representing the energy needed to do a task. You get up in the morning. That’s a spoon. You take a shower. That’s a spoon. You work, and play, and clean, and love, and hate, and that’s lots of damn spoons … but if you are young and healthy you still have spoons left over as you fall asleep and wait for the new supply of spoons to be delivered in the morning. But if you are sick or in pain, your exhaustion changes you and the number of spoons you have. Autoimmune disease or chronic pain like I have with my arthritis cuts down on your spoons. Depression or anxiety takes away even more. Maybe you only have six spoons to use that day. Sometimes you have even fewer. And you look at the things you need to do and realize that you don’t have enough spoons to do them all. If you clean the house you won’t have any spoons left to exercise. You can visit a friend but you won’t have enough spoons to drive yourself back home. You can accomplish everything a normal person does for hours but then you hit a wall and fall into bed thinking, “I wish I could stop breathing for an hour because it’s exhausting, all this inhaling and exhaling.” And then your husband sees you lying on the bed and raises his eyebrow seductively and you say, “No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons,” and he looks at you strangely because that sounds kinky, and not in a good way. And you know you should explain the Spoon Theory so he won’t get mad but you don’t have the energy to explain properly because you used your last spoon of the morning picking up his dry cleaning so instead you just defensively yell: “I SPENT ALL MY SPOONS ON YOUR LAUNDRY,” and he says, “What the … You can’t pay for dry cleaning with spoons. What is wrong with you?” Now you’re mad because this is his fault too but you’re too tired to fight out loud and so you have the argument in your mind, but it doesn’t go well because you’re too tired to defend yourself even in your head, and the critical internal voices take over and you’re too tired not to believe them. Then you get more depressed and the next day you wake up with even fewer spoons and so you try to make spoons out of caffeine and willpower but that never really works. The only thing that does work is realizing that your lack of spoons is not your fault, and to remind yourself of that fact over and over as you compare your fucked-up life to everyone else’s just-as-fucked-up-but-not-as-noticeably-to-outsiders lives. Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you don’t see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he’s fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he’s dead. So technically I’m better than Galileo because all I’ve done is take a shower and already I’ve accomplished more than him today. If we were having a competition I’d have beaten him in daily accomplishments every damn day of my life. But I’m not gloating because Galileo can’t control his current spoon supply any more than I can, and if Galileo couldn’t figure out how to keep his dwindling spoon supply I think it’s pretty unfair of me to judge myself for mine. I’ve learned to use my spoons wisely. To say no. To push myself, but not too hard. To try to enjoy the amazingness of life while teetering at the edge of terror and fatigue.
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Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
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Dear Victor: Wow. That … really got out of hand. I’m sending this cat in as a peace offering. I forgive you for all the stuff you wrote on the walls about my sister, and I’m going to just ignore all the stuff you wrote about my “giant ass” (turn cat over for rest) because I love you and you need me. Who else loves you enough to send you notes written on cats? Nobody, that’s who. Also, I stapled a picture of us from our wedding day to the cat’s left leg. Don’t we look happy? We can be that way again. Just stop leaving wet towels on the floor. That’s all I ask. I’m low-maintenance that way. Also, this cat needs to go on a diet. I shouldn't be able to write this much on a cat and still have room left over.
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Jenny Lawson (Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir)
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When I went on my first antidepressant it had the side effect of making me fixated on suicide (which is sort of the opposite of what you want). It’s a rare side effect so I switched to something else that did work. Lots of concerned friends and family felt that the first medication’s failure was a clear sign that drugs were not the answer; if they were I would have been fixed. Clearly I wasn’t as sick as I said I was if the medication didn’t work for me. And that sort of makes sense, because when you have cancer the doctor gives you the best medicine and if it doesn’t shrink the tumor immediately then that’s a pretty clear sign you were just faking it for attention. I mean, cancer is a serious, often fatal disease we’ve spent billions of dollars studying and treating so obviously a patient would never have to try multiple drugs, surgeries, radiation, etc., to find what will work specifically for them. And once the cancer sufferer is in remission they’re set for life because once they’ve learned how to not have cancer they should be good. And if they let themselves get cancer again they can just do whatever they did last time. Once you find the right cancer medication you’re pretty much immune from that disease forever. And if you get it again it’s probably just a reaction to too much gluten or not praying correctly. Righ
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Jenny Lawson