Kohut Quotes

If you want to hurt somebody and you want to know where his vulnerable spot is you have to know him, before you can put in the right dig, that's very important.

The denial of age in America culminates in the prolongevity movement, which hopes to abolish old age altogether. But the dread of age originates not in the "cult of youth" but in a cult of the self. Not only in its narcissistic indifference to future generations but in its grandiose vision of a technological utopia without old age, the prolongevity movement exemplifies the fantasy of "absolute, sadistic power" which, according to Kohut, so deeply colors the narcissistic outlook. Pathological in its psychological origins and inspiration, superstitious in its faith in medical deliverance, the prolongevity movement expresses in characteristic form the anxieties of a culture that believes it has no future.

Keegi ei tohiks kohut mõista enne, kui ta on endale kõigutamatu aususega vastanud, kas ta ise oleks säärases olukorras kindlalt toiminud teisiti.

Sa tahaksid kohut mõista? Hoidu seda tegemast, kui oled kuulnud vaid ühte poolt. Hoia end eemal poolikutest tõdedest - sinu kätte võib sattuda vale pool.

Algul armastavad lapsed vanemaid; vanemaks saades mõistavad nad nende üle kohut; mõnikord annavad nad neile lõpuks andeks.

Noh, siis mõistad iseenda üle kohut," sõnas kuningas. "See on kõige raskem. Iseenda üle on hoopis raskem kohut mõista kui teiste üle. Kui sa suudad iseenda üle õigesti otsustada, siis oled tõeline tark.

Kohut noticed that grandiosity, rather than improving your sex life, either makes you impotent or makes you so promiscuous that you cannot sustain relationships and you put yourself in danger of getting AIDS and dying. In other words, grandiosity tends to destroy you if you don't face up it and learn how to regulate it.

O que é sensível tem de morrer pelo fogo, qual borboleta frágil da noite. E é por isso, diz Erika Kohut, que estes dois seres doentes à mais alta escala, isto é, Schumann e Schubert, irmanados pela partilha do mesmo prefixo, são os que têm um lugar mais próximo do meu coração dilacerado. Não o Schumann a quem já todos os pensamentos desertaram, mas o Schumann, mesmo mesmo antes disso ter acontecido! Uma unha negra antes disso! Ele já adivinha a deserção do seu espírito, já sofre com isso até aos seus vasos mais capilares, despede-se já da sua vida consciente, embrenhando-se pelos coros dos anjos e dos demónios, segura-se, porém, mais uma última vez, não mais possuidor da sua total consciência. Ainda um perscrutar nostálgico mais, o luto pela perda do bem mais precioso: ele próprio. A fase em que ainda se sabe o que em si próprio se perde, antes de renunciar por completo.

My friends, I think we need to face how difficult it is for us to become empathic with other spiritual traditions and accept their legitimate needs for recognition and affirmation, their needs for being seen and given significant respect. Why? Kohut said that when we were children, we had not yet developed what he called “the cohesive self,” or what we would call a self-system that is integrated and stable. What we needed from others he called “mirroring.” We need to be seen. We need to be recognized and affirmed. You and I in our spiritual traditions would say we need to be blessed. We long for an experience of blessing.4

Bowlby's conviction that attachment needs continue throughout life and are not outgrown has important implications for psychotherapy. It means that the therapist inevitably becomes an important attachment figure for the patient, and that this is not necessarily best seen as a 'regression' to infantile dependence (the developmental 'train' going into reverse), but rather the activation of attachment needs that have been previously suppressed. Heinz Kohut (1977) has based his 'self psychology' on a similar perspective. He describes 'selfobject needs' that continue from infancy throughout life and comprise an individual's need for empathic responsiveness from parents, friends, lovers, spouses (and therapists). This responsiveness brings a sense of aliveness and meaning, security and self-esteem to a person's existence. Its lack leads to narcissistic disturbances of personality characterised by the desperate search for selfobjects - for example, idealisation of the therapist or the development of an erotic transference. When, as they inevitably will, these prove inadequate (as did the original environment), the person responds with 'narcissistic rage' and disappointment, which, in the absence of an adequate 'selfobject' cannot be dealt with in a productive way.

People today associate rivalry with boundless aggression and find it difficult to conceive of competition that does not lead directly to thoughts of murder. Kohut writes of one of his patients: "Even as a child he had become afraid of emotionally cathected competitiveness for fear of the underlying (near delusional) fantasies of exerting absolute, sadistic power." Herbert Hendin says of the students he analyzed and interviewed at Columbia that "they could conceive of no competition that did not result in someone's annihilation." The prevalence of such fears helps to explain why Americans have become uneasy about rivalry unless it is accompanied by the disclaimer that winning and losing don't matter or that games are unimportant anyway. The identification of competition with the wish to annihilate opponents inspires Dorcas Butt's accusation that competitive sports have made us a nation of militarists, fascists, and predatory egoists; have encouraged "poor sportsmanship " in all social relations; and have extinguished cooperation and compassion.

Erika se odrekla svoje volje. Svoju volju, kojom je dosada upravljala majka, predaje poput štafetne palice Walteru Klemmeru. Naslanja se na zid i čeka odluke o sebi. Odriče se, istina, svoje slobode, ali postavlja jedan uvjet: Erika Kohut upotrijebit j:e svoju ljubav za to da ovaj mladić postane njen gospodar. Što više vlasti nad njom zadobije, to će vise postajati njena, Erikina, tvorevina. Klemmer će već potpuno biti njen rob kada se budu, na primjer, odvezli u Ramsau na planinarenje. Ali on će se, naravno, smatrati Erikinim gospodarom. Da bi to postigla Erika će upotrijebiti svoju ljubav. Jer to je jedini način da se njihova ljubav ne istroši prebrzo. On mora povjerovati: ta mi se žena potpuno predala. Ali će zapravo on postati Erikino vlasništvo. Tako to ona zamišlja. Sve može poći nizbrdo jedino ako Klemmer pročita pismo i osudi njegov sadržaj. Zbog gađenja, srama ili straha, ovisno o tomu koji će osjećaj u njemu prevladati. Svi smo mi ljudi i stoga nesavršeni, tješi Erika lice muškarca preko puta sebe, koje upravo želi poljubiti i čije se crte sve više smekšavaju te gotovo rastapaju. Pod njenim pogledom učiteljice.

Prozorska stakla blistaju na svjetlu. Njihova se krila ne otvaraju ovoj ženi. Ne otvaraju se svakom. Nema dobra čovjeka, iako ga svi prizivaju. Mnogi bi rado pomogli, ali ništa ne poduzimaju. Žena okreće vrat u stranu, iskezivši zube poput bolesna konja. Nitko joj ne stavlja ruku na rame, nitko joj ne pomaže nositi teret. Umorno se osvrće za sobom. Nož je treba pogoditi u srce i u njemu se okretati! No snaga koja joj je ostala nije dovoljna za to. Pogled joj je prazan. Bez ikakve ljutnje, bijesa ili strasti Erika Kohut zariva nož u rame, iz kojega odmah počinje teći krv. Bezazlena je ta rana, jedino mora paziti da u nju ne ude prljavština i gnoj. Ali svijet, neranjen, nije stao. Mladi su ljudi nestali u zgradi, odakle sigurno neće neko vrijeme izlaziti. Uokolo kuća do kuće. Stavlja nož u torbicu. Na Erikinu ramenu zjapi rana; meko se tkivo bez otpora rastvorilo. Razrezala ga je čelična oštrica, a Erika odlazi. Hoda. Ruku je položila na ranu. Nitko ne ide za njom. Korača kroz mnoštvo režući ga poput čeličnog brodskog trupa. Ne osjeća strašne bolove što ih je očekivala. Prednje au¬tomobilsko staklo zabljesnulo je. Patentni zatvarač na haljini ne može se zatvoriti pa joj sunce grije leda. Grije ih sve jače. Erika hoda i hoda. Leda su joj već sasvim topla. Iz rane joj kaplje krv. Prolaznici najprije gledaju u ranu, a potom u njeno lice. Neki se čak okreću. Ne svi. Erika zna kojim smjerom mora ići. Ide kući. Hoda polagano ubrzavajući korak.

Klemmer je ponovo udara u lice, iako mu ona govori: Molim, samo ne po glavi! Čuje ga kako govori o njenim godinama, da joj je najmanje trideset i pet, sviđalo se to njoj ili ne. Počinje je tištati to što on ne skriva kako mu se seksualno gadi. Pogled joj zamagljuju suze. Klemmer je očaran, jer konačno na dar dobiva djela ponikla iz mržnje; svijet se oko njega razbistruje poput oblačna dana u kasno ljeto. Sam je sebe dovoljno dugo zavaravao da je ovaj predivan bijes što ga osjeća zapravo ljubav. Dugo je uživao u toj samoobmani, ali sada su maske pale. Žena što leži pred njim na podu puno toga u njegovu ponašanju tumači kao strastvenu čežnju, ali njegovo bi se ponašanje samo donekle moglo opravdati strašću. To je sve mogla čuti Erika Kohut. Ali sada je dosta, najdraži! Prijeđimo na ljepše stvari! S repertoara ljubavnih postupaka Erika želi izbrisati one koje izazivaju bol. Na vlastitoj je koži osjetila što bol znači i moli ga da odsad prijeđu na normalne oblike prakticiranja ljubavi. Približimo se jedno drugom s razumijevanjem. Walter Klemmer ponovo je grubo zgrabio tu ženu koja mu govori da se predomislila. Molim te, ne tuci me! Moj je ideal ipak uzajamno uzvraćanje osjećaja, mijenja Erika svoje mišljenje, ali prekasno. Iznosi mu svoj novi stav, govori danjoj, ženi, treba puno topline i pažnje, pritišćući pritom rukom usnu što krvari. To je neostvariv ideal, odvraća joj muškarac. Samo čeka da žena ustukne još koji korak da bi je ponovo mogao udariti. Ono što ga goni naprijed instinkt je lovca. Instinkt veslača i tehničara na brzim vodama što upozorava na pličine i stijene. Pruži li žena prema njemu ruku, on odlazi! Erika preklinje Klemmera da pokaže svoje dobre strane. No on je osjetio zov slobode.

Jedan kraj pokrivača zadignut je i tvori oblik istostraničnog trokuta. Lanena je plahta zategnuta poput kose na ženi koja nosi visoko podignutu pundu. Na Erikinu jastuku leži čokoladica u staniolu u obliku potkovice, preostala od Nove godine. Malo slatko iznenađenje majka miče s jastuka jer nekako mora kazniti Eriku. Na noćnom ormariću, pored svjetiljke, knjiga je koju Erika upravo čita. Iz knjige viri znak kojim obilježava mjesto gdje je stala i koji je kao dijete ukrasila svojim crtežima. Pored knjige je čaša s vodom za slučaj da Erika noću ožedni, jer majka ipak ne želi pretjerivati u kažnjavanju. Dobroćudna majka mijenja vodu u čaši kako bi voda bila što hladnija i svježija, bez mjehurića kao znaka da je ustajala i bljutava. Na svojoj strani bračnog kreveta majka ne poduzima tolike mjere opreza. Ipak je dovoljno obzirna da umjetno zubalo radi čišćenja vadi tek rano ujutro. I odmah ga stavlja natrag! Padne li noću Eriki na pamet bilo kakva želja, ona će biti ispunjena, ukoliko to ovisi o vanjskim okolnostima. No najskrivenije želje neka radije zadrži za sebe, ta zar joj nije u majčinu domu i toplo i ugodno?! Za svaki slučaj majka pored knjige stavlja veliku zelenu jabuku pa je izbor hrane pokraj jastuka doista velik. Razrezanu haljinu kao mačka mlade nosi čas ovamo, čas onamo. Na kraju je stavlja na posve novo mjesto, gdje se blistavi komad odjeće najboije vidi. Djelo majčina razaranja, koje je na kraju krajeva osobno skrivila, kći treba ugledati čim kroči kroz vrata. Sve skupa ipak ne smije biti preupadljivo. Gospođa Kohut naposljetku rasprostire ostatke haljine na ležaljku iz koje Erika obično gleda televiziju, pažljivo, kao da će Erika haljinu odmah odjenuti za koncertni nastup. Mora pripaziti da haljina zadrži kakav-takav oblik. Komadiće koji su ostali od rukava različito je posložila. Djelo svog nekažnjenog razaranja želi svima jasno pokazan.

Pealegi, ärgem mõistkem kohut, et meie eneste üle kohut ei mõistetaks.

Emotional maturity” means a person is capable of thinking objectively and conceptually while sustaining deep emotional connections to others. People who are emotionally mature can function independently while also having deep emotional attachments, smoothly incorporating both into their daily life. They are direct about pursuing what they want, yet do so without exploiting other people. They’ve differentiated from their original family relationships sufficiently to build a life of their own (Bowen 1978). They have a well-developed sense of self (Kohut 1985) and identity (Erikson 1963) and treasure their closest relationships.

Alice Miller maintains that the true opposite of depression is not gaiety or absence of pain but vitality. Kohut

Kohut identified three specific lines of development along which self development can successfully unfold. He labeled them mirroring, idealizing, and twinship experiences (Kohut, 1971, 1977, 1984). In the mirror line of development, we look to others to feel truly known and accurately seen. In the archaic mirror experience, we feel admired, the object of the other’s adoring gaze. In the more mature mirror experience, we feel recognized and valued for who we know ourselves to be. A successful mirror experience contributes to a cohesive, reliable, and realistic self-esteem, and a solid sense of self-worth. In the idealizing line of development, we look for a merger with someone whom we experience as calming, strong, and wise; one who offers him or herself for our protection and guidance. A successful merger with an idealized other provides opportunities for soothing, which results in a reliable capacity for affect regulation. Finally, in the twinship line of development, we look to find in the other an experience of alikeness, a feeling of sameness that is shared, which results in the consolidation of self experience. We seek to recognize ourselves in the other and yearn for the other to recognize themself in us. Twinship lays the groundwork for a sense of shared humanity, a feeling of being human among humans.

An important objective of self-reflection is to obtain access to the unconscious. It is understood that certain aspects of everyone are known to them, while an indeterminate number of other elements are unknown. As Erikson (1980), Freud (2010), and Kohut (1971) suggest, unknown elements of an individual’s personality significantly influence behaviour.

The collective hope of this kind of group is that through strength and triumph, vengeance will replace shame and humiliation. The leader and nation engage together in a kind of frenzy. Anyone who questions the leader who symbolizes this hope of restitution of self-esteem and power is cast as a traitor to the nation. Hence the amassing of power over the whole world and the destruction of the Jews, cast (mythically) as the source of the humiliation, became ends in themselves. This alliance of nation and leader for power itself, in order to overcome psychic humiliation, Kohut regards as the source of the worst atrocities of the twentieth century. He comments, “The most malignant human propensities are mobilized in support of nationalistic narcissistic rage. Nothing satisfies its fury, neither the achievement of limited advantages nor the negotiation of compromises, however favorable—not even victory itself is enough.”43

People who are emotionally mature can function independently while also having deep emotional attachments, smoothly incorporating both into their daily life. They are direct about pursuing what they want, yet do so without exploiting other people. They’ve differentiated from their original family relationships sufficiently to build a life of their own (Bowen 1978). They have a well-developed sense of self (Kohut 1985) and identity (Erikson 1963) and treasure their closest relationships. Emotionally mature people are comfortable and honest about their own feelings and get along well with other people, thanks to their well-developed empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence (Goleman 1995). They’re interested in other people’s inner lives and enjoy opening up and sharing with others in an emotionally intimate way. When there’s a problem, they deal with others directly to smooth out differences (Bowen 1978). Emotionally mature people cope with stress in a realistic, forward-looking way, while consciously processing their thoughts and feelings. They can control their emotions when necessary, anticipate the future, adapt to reality, and use empathy and humor to ease difficult situations and strengthen bonds with others (Vaillant 2000). They enjoy being objective and know themselves well enough to admit their weaknesses (Siebert 1996).

The archaic injury is a term Kohut (1971, 1977) used to refer to the child’s earliest emotional injury or narcissistic vulnerability, be it the birth of a sibling, an unattuned parent, or a parent giving excessive attention to one child over another. To punctuate the importance of continually reminding couples of the role their archaic injury plays in their relationship, I devised a new concept called the “V-spot,” an area of extreme vulnerability that gets aroused when one’s partner hits an emotional raw spot. In psychoanalytic terms it is the seat of the archaic injury, the epicenter of emotional sensitivity It is a product of early trauma that affects all relationships and often creates inappropriate and disproportionate reactions.

The essence of self-psychology is the idea that we exist only in relation to others. Kohut’s school of thought lays out three critical pillars of human experience, all provided by relationships with people who offer reliable empathetic connection. There is no way for these foundational frameworks to be built and maintained without healthy human interaction. There is no mechanism by which a person can attain psychological well-being by going it alone.