Karen Horney Quotes

If you want to be proud of yourself, then do things in which you can take pride

To find a mountain path all by oneself gives a greater feeling of strength than to take a path that is shown.

Concern should drive us into action, not into a depression.

A perfectly normal person is rare in our civilization.

There is no good reason why we should not develop and change until the last day we live.

Pride and self-hate belong inseparably together; they are two expressions of one process.

No one … can entirely step out of his time, that despite his keenness of vision his thinking is in many ways bound to be influenced by the mentality of his time

Patients coming for consultation complain about headaches, sexual disturbances, inhibitions in work, or other symptoms; as a rule, they do not complain about having lost touch with the core of their psychic existence.

It is naturally a sign of inner liberation when a patient can squarely recognize his difficulties and take them with a grain of humor. But some patients at the beginning of analysis make incessant jokes about themselves, or exaggerate their difficulties in so dramatic a way that they will appear funny, while they are at the same time absurdly sensitive to any criticism. In these instances humor is used to take the sting out of an otherwise unbearable shame.

Pride in many diverse ways is the enemy of love.

The pride in intellect, or rather in the supremacy of the mind, is not restricted to those engaged in intellectual pursuits but is a regular occurrence in all neurosis.

For the analyst it is a source of never-ending astonishment how comparatively well a person can function with the core of himself not participating.

Even though godlike in his imagination, he still lacks the earthy self-confidence of a simple shepherd.

Whether we forget something we are not proud of, or embellish it, or blame somebody else, we want to save face by not owning up to shortcomings.

The central inner conflict is one between the constructive forces of the real self and the obstructive forces of the pride system, between healthy growth and the drive to prove in actuality the perfection of the idealized self.

The fact that compulsive drives for success will arise only in a competitive culture does not make them any less neurotic.

Also the natural sexual functions of establishing an intimate human contact frequently assume greater proportions. This is a well known fact about detached people for whom sexuality may be the only bridge to others, but it is not restricted to being an obvious substitute for human closeness. It shows also in the haste with which people may rush into sexual relations, without giving themselves a chance to find out whether they have anything in common or a chance to develop a liking and understanding. It is possible of course that an emotional relatedness may evolve later on. But more often than not it does not do so because usually the initial rush itself is a sign of their being too inhibited to develop a good human relationship.

If sexual physiology provides the pattern for our experience of the world, what is woman's basic metaphor? It is mystery, the hidden. Karen Horney speaks of a girl's inability to see her genitals and a boy's ability to see his as the source of "the greater subjectivity of women as compared with the greater objectivity of men." To rephrase this with my different emphasis: men's delusional certitude that objectivity is possible is based on the visibility of their genitals. Second, this certitude is a defensive swerve from the anxiety-inducing invisibility of the womb. Women tend to be more realistic and less obsessional because of their toleration for ambiguity which they learn from their inability to learn about their own bodies. Women accept limited knowledge as their natural condition, a great human truth that a man may take a lifetime to reach. The female body’s unbearable hiddenness applies to all aspects men’s dealings with women. What does it look like in there? Did she have an orgasm? Is it really my child? Who was my real father? Mystery surrounds women’s sexuality. This mystery is the main reason for the imprisonment man has imposed on women. Only by confining his wife in a locked harem guarded by eunuchs could he be certain that her son was also his.

Man, by his very nature and of his own accord, strives toward self-realization, and that his set of values evolves from such striving. Apparently he cannot, for example, develop his full human potentialities unless he is truthful to himself; unless he is active and productive; unless he relates himself to others in the spirit of mutuality. Apparently he cannot grow if he indulges in a "dark idolatry of self" and consistently attributes all his own shortcomings to the deficiencies of others. He can grow, in the true sense, only if he assumes responsibility for himself.

What luck! If the theories of Epictetus, Karen Horney (who first talked about the “tyranny of the shoulds”), Alfred Korzybski (the founder of general semantics), and REBT are correct, you almost always bring on your emotional problems by rigidly adopting one of the basic methods of crooked thinking—musturbation. Therefore, if you understand how you upset yourself by slipping into irrational shoulds, oughts, demands, and commands, unconsciously sneaking them into your thinking, you can just about always stop disturbing yourself about anything.

Neo-Freudian Karen Horney believed that childhood experiences resulted in our creation of a self that “moved toward people” or “moved away from people.” These tendencies were a sort of mask that could develop into neurosis if we were not willing to move beyond them. Underneath was what she called a “wholehearted,” or real, person.

A normal human being… does not exist.

The tenacity with which the neurotic adheres to any attitude is a sure indication that the attitude fulfills functions which seem indispensable in the framework of his neurosis.

Others are responsible for the trouble I am in—so I am entitled to repair. And what kind of repair would it be, if I made all the effort! Naturally, only a person who has lost constructive interest in his life can argue that way. It is no longer up to him to do something about his life; it is up to “them,” or to fate.

The declining of responsibility for the self can also be hidden behind a pseudo-objectivity. A patient may make astute observations about himself and give a fairly accurate report of what he dislikes in himself. On the surface it seems as though he is perceptive and honest about himself. But "he" may be merely the intelligent observer of a fellow who is inhibited, fearful, or arrogantly demanding. Hence, since he is not responsible for the fellow he observes, the hurt to his pride is cushioned—all the moreso because the flashlight of his pride is focused on his faculty for keen observations.

The neurotic, as long as he must adhere to his illusions about himself, cannot recognize limitations, the search for glory goes into the unlimited. Because the main goal is the attainment of glory, he becomes uninterested in the process of learning, of doing, or of gaining step by step — indeed, tends to scorn it. He does not want to climb a mountain; he wants to be on the peak. Hence he loses the sense of what evolution or growth means, even though he may talk about it. Because, finally, the creation of the idealized self is possible only at the expense of truth about himself, its actualization requires further distortions of truth, imagination being a willing servant to this end. Thereby, to a greater or lesser extent, he loses in the process his interest in truth, and the sense for what is true or not true — a loss that, among others, accounts for his difficulty in distinguishing between genuine feelings, beliefs, strivings, and their artificial equivalents (unconscious pretenses) in himself and in others. The emphasis shifts from being to appearing.

зная, в чем именно человек склонен принижать себя, можно определить, где сосредоточены его главные честолюбивые стремления.

Истинные идеалы содействуют скромности, идеализированный образ - высокомерию

Страдающие неврозом девушки не могут любить "слабого" мужчину из-за презрения к любой слабости, но они также не могут ладить с "сильным" мужчиной, потому что хотят диктовать свою волю

Philosophers of all times have stressed the pivotal significance of being ourselves and the despair attendant on feeling barred from its approximation... "What other significance can our existence have than to be ourselves fully and completely?

как показывает множество примеров, ни смирение не имеет ничего общего с женственностью, ни агрессивность с мужественностью. И то и другое – исключительно невротические феномены.

Мы можем чувствовать искреннюю озабоченность положением дел в мире, но такая озабоченность должна побуждать нас к действию, а не к депрессии

Ложное спокойствие, проистекающее из внутренней тупости, никак не может быть предметом зависти

Источником конфликта становится утрата невротиком способности желать вообще чего-либо искренне, потому что его истинные желания разделены и действуют в противоположных направлениях

Убеждение в том, что тебя не любят, очень родственно неспособности к любви. В действительности оно является сознательным отражением этой неспособности

Использование апелляции к жалости включает в себя убеждение в неспособности получить любовь и расположение любым другим путем

В самом деле, много проще заниматься раскаянием, чем самоизменением

Невроз является психическим расстройством, вызываемым страхами и защитами от них, а также попытками найти компромиссные решения конфликта разнонаправленных тенденций

Главная причина того, почему ребенок не получает теплоты и любви, заключается в неспособности родителей давать любовь вследствие их собственных неврозов

The mere fact that he has gone that far indicates that his will to come to grips with himself is strong enough to prevent him from being crushed.

Experience…shows beyond any doubt that patients can develop an amazing faculty of keen self-observation if they are bent on understanding their own problems.

As so often in neurotic phenomena—or is it always?—we find that the patient's reasoning, conscious or unconscious, is flawless, but rests on false premises.

You need not, and in fact cannot, teach an acorn to grow into an oak tree, but when given a chance, its intrinsic potentialities will develop. Similarly, the human individual, given a chance, tends to develop…the unique alive forces of his real self; the clarity and depth of his own feelings, thoughts, wishes, interests; the ability to tap his own resources, the strength of his will power…All this will in time enable him to find his set of values and aims in life. In short, he will grow, substantially undiverted, toward self-realization.

JANUARY 30 Fortunately [psycho]analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. —Karen Horney The passage of time, coupled with an openness to the messages gleaned from our conversations with others, can provide answers we need for the way out of painful situations. Life is ebb and flow, peaks and valleys, struggles and sweet times. What we fail to realize, all too often, is that the struggles make possible the times that are sweet. Our conflicts are our special lessons in life. We can learn to flow with them, move through them, trust their value to us as growing, changing women. How good it feels to have found security with one another and that power greater than ourselves who can, when we are willing, show us the path to resolution. Life will never be free of conflict—nor should it be. Our lessons move us to higher planes of awareness. We can experience the joy hidden within the conflict. We can help one another remember that the sweetness of a moment is tied to the pain of a former, forgotten moment. All events, all experiences, are connected. The path I travel, alone and with others, is bringing me brighter days. I will trust my path. It’s right for me.

Чем меньше чувства неловкости, чем меньше робости, чем меньше попыток угодить ожиданиям окружающих, чем меньше потребность быть правым или совершенным, тем ярче выражаются какие бы то ни было дарования человека.

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. Experience of any one of a number of kinds may be sufficiently telling to bring about personality changes. It may be the inspiring example of a truly great person; it may be a common tragedy which by bringing the neurotic in close touch with others takes him out of his egocentric isolation; it may be association with persons so congenial that manipulating or avoiding them appears less necessary. In other instances the consequences of neurotic behavior may be so drastic or of such frequent occurrence that they impress themselves on the neurotic's mind and make him less fearful and less rigid.

As a matter of fact, the whole subject of responsibility has little appeal for him [the neurotic]. He sees—or dimly senses—only its negative aspects. What he does not see, and learns to appreciate only gradually, is that by turning his back on it he defeats his ardent strivings for independence. He hopes to attain independence by defiantly excluding all commitments, whereas in reality the assuming of responsibility for oneself and to oneself is an indispensable condition of real inner freedom.

Приверженность воспитательным теориям, гиперопека или самопожертвование со стороны "идеальной" матери являются основными факторами, создающими ту атмосферу, которая более чем что-либо иное закладывает основу для чувства огромной незащищенности в будущем

When I was finding my way as a young psychotherapy student, the most useful book I read was Karen Horney’s Neurosis and Human Growth. And the single most useful concept in that book was the notion that the human being has an inbuilt propensity toward self-realization. If obstacles are removed, Horney believed, the individual will develop into a mature, fully realized adult, just as an acorn will develop into an oak tree. “Just as an acorn develops into an oak …” What a wonderfully liberating and clarifying image! It forever changed my approach to psychotherapy by offering me a new vision of my work: My task was to remove obstacles blocking my patient’s path. I did not have to do the entire job; I did not have to inspirit the patient with the desire to grow, with curiosity, will, zest for life, caring, loyalty, or any of the myriad of characteristics that make us fully human. No, what I had to do was to identify and remove obstacles. The rest would follow automatically, fueled by the self-actualizing forces within the patient.

[Neurotic] pride is both so vulnerable and so precious that it also must be protected in the future. The neurotic may build an elaborate system of avoidances in the hope of circumventing future hurts. This too is a process that goes on automatically. He is not aware of wanting to avoid an activity because it might hurt his pride. He just avoids it, often without even being aware that he is. The process pertains to activities, to associations with people, and it may put a check on realistic strivings and efforts. If it is widespread it can actually cripple a person's life. He does not embark on any serious pursuits commensurate with his gifts lest he fail to be a brilliant success. He would like to write or to paint and does not dare to start. He does not dare to approach girls lest they reject him. [...] He withdraws from social contacts lest he be self-conscious. So, according to his economic status, he either does nothing worthwhile or sticks to a mediocre job and restricts his expenses rigidly. In more than one way he lives beneath his means. In the long run this makes it necessary for him to withdraw farther from others, because he cannot face the fact of lagging behind his age group and therefore shuns comparisons or questions from anybody about his work. In order to endure life he must now entrench himself more firmly in his private fantasy-world. But, since all these measures are more a camouflage than a remedy for his pride, he may start to cultivate his neuroses because the neurosis with a capital N then becomes a precious alibi for the lack of accomplishment.

Freud had been the first to point out that these [driving forces in neurosis] were compulsive drives. He regarded these drives as instinctual in nature, aimed at satisfaction and intolerant of frustration. Consequently he believed that they were not confined to neuroses per se but operated in all human beings. If, however, neuroses were an outgrowth of disturbed human relationships, this postulation could not possibly be valid. The concepts I arrived at on this score were, briefly, these. Compulsive drives are specifically neurotic; they are born of feelings of isolation, helplessness, fear and hostility, and represent ways of coping with the world despite these feelings; they aim primarily not at satisfaction but at safety; their compulsive character is due to the anxiety lurking behind them. Two of these drives—neurotic cravings for affection and for power—stood out at first in clear relief

Freud's psychology and the philosophy underlying it are essentially pessimistic. This is patent in his outlook on the future of mankind as well as in his attitude toward therapy. And on the basis of his theoretical premises, he cannot be anything but pessimistic. Man is driven by instincts which at best are only to be modified by "sublimation." His instinctual drives for satisfaction are inevitably frustrated by society. His "ego" is helplessly tossed about between instinctual drives and the "superego," which itself can only be modified. The superego is primarily forbidding and destructive. True ideals do not exist. The wish for personal fulfillment is "narcissistic." Man is by nature destructive and a "deadi instinct" compels him either to destroy others or to suffer. All these theories leave little room for a positive attitude toward change and limit the value of the potentially splendid therapy Freud originated. In contrast, I believe that compulsive trends in neuroses are not instinctual but spring from disturbed human relationships; that they can be changed when these improve and that conflicts of such origin can really be resolved.

The kind, scope, and intensity of such conflicts are largely determined by the civilization in which we live. If the civilization is stable and tradition bound, the variety of choices presenting themselves are limited and the range of possible individual conflicts narrow. Even then they are not lacking. One loyalty may interfere with another; personal desires may stand against obligations to the group. But if the civilization is in a stage of rapid transition, where highly contradictory values and divergent ways of living exist side by side, the choices the individual has to make are manifold and difficult

As significant as any of these [characteristics] is the sadistic person's tendency to disparage and humiliate others. He is remarkably keen at seeing shortcomings, at discovering the weak spots in others and pointing them out. He knows intuitively where others are sensitive and can be hurt. And he tends to use his intuition mercilessly for derogatory criticism. This may be rationalized as honesty or as a wish to be helpful; he may believe himself to be sincerely troubled by doubts in regard to the other person's competence or integrity—but he will become panicky if the sincerity of his doubts is questioned.

He thinks: "I have no self-confidence. I always feel everybody else is more competent, more attractive, more gifted than I am. Even the things I've managed to accomplish don't count, because I can't really credit myself with them. I may have been bluffing, or it may have been just a lucky break. I certainly can't be sure that I could do it again. And if people really knew me, they'd have no use for me anyway. But if I found someone who loved me as I am and to whom I was of prime importance, I would be somebody." No wonder, then, that love has all the lure of a mirage. No wonder that it should be clutched at in preference to the laborious process of changing from within.

A person who overemphasizes sex feels alive only in sexual experiences and fantasies; his triumphs and defeats are confined within the sexual sphere; the only asset he values in himself is his sexual attractiveness. It is only when he understands this condition that he can start to become interested in other aspects of living, and so retrieve himself. A person for whom reality is bounded by the projects and plans of his imagination has lost sight of himself as a functioning human being. He sees neither his limitations nor his actual assets. Through analytical work he ceases to mistake his potentialities for accomplishments; he is able not only to face but to feel himself as he really is.

Though retaining what I considered the fundamentals of Freud's teachings, I realized by that time that my search for a better understanding had led me in directions that were at variance with Freud. If so many factors that Freud regarded as instinctual were culturally determined, if so much that Freud considered libidinal was a neurotic need for affection, provoked by anxiety and aimed at feeling safe with others, then the libido theory was no longer tenable. Childhood experiences remained important, but the influence they exerted on our lives appeared in a new light. Other theoretical differences inevitably followed. Hence it became necessary to formulate in my own mind where I stood in reference to Freud.

If we ourselves are clear as to exactly what is meant by taking responsibility for oneself, we will understand that it is hard, if not impossible, for any neurotic to assume it. It means in the first place to acknowledge in a matter-of-fact way—to oneself and others—that such-and-such were one's intentions, one's words or one's actions, and to be willing to take the consequences. This would be the opposite of lying or of putting the blame on others. To take responsibility for himself in this sense would be hard for the neurotic because as a rule he does not know what he is doing or why he is doing it and has a keen subjective interest in not knowing. That is why he often tries to wriggle out by denying, forgetting, belittling, inadvertently supplying other motivations, feeling misunderstood, or getting confused.

The nature of the exploitation [by the sadist] becomes still clearer when we realize that there is simultaneously a tendency to frustrate others. It would be a mistake to say that the sadistic person never wants to give anything. Under certain conditions he may even be generous. What is typical of sadism is not a niggardliness in the sense of withholding but a much more active, though unconscious, impulse to thwart others—to kill their joy and to disappoint their expectations. Any satisfaction or buoyancy of the partner's almost irresistibly provokes the sadistic person to spoil it in some way. If the partner looks forward to seeing him, he tends to be sullen. If the partner wants sexual intercourse, he will be frigid or impotent. He may not even have to do, or fail to do, anything positive. By simply radiating gloom he acts as a depressant.

Если бы состояние психики невротичного человека было таким, каким оно часто ему представляется, ему было бы нетрудно добиться любви. Если попытаться словами выразить то, что он часто лишь смутно ощущает, его влечения будут примерно следующими: он хочет очень немногого – добра, понимания, помощи, совета от окружающих его людей. Хочет, чтобы они знали, что он стремится доставить им радость и опасается задеть кого-либо. В его сознании присутствуют только такие мысли и чувства. Он не осознает, в сколь значительной степени его болезненная чувствительность, его скрытая враждебность, его придирчивые требования мешают его собственным отношениям. Он также неспособен здраво судить о том, какое впечатление он производит на других или какова их реакция на него. Следовательно, он не в состоянии понять, почему его попытки установить дружеские, брачные, любовные, профессиональные отношения столь часто приносят неудовлетворенность. Он склонен заключать, что виноваты другие, что они невнимательны, вероломны, способны на оскорбление или что вследствие некой неблагоприятной причины у него отсутствует дар быть понятым людьми. Так он продолжает гнаться за призраком любви.

When moving toward people he accepts his own helplessness, and in spite of his estrangement and fears tries to win the affection of others and to lean on them. Only in this way can he feel safe with them. If there are dissenting parties in the family, he will attach himself to the most powerful person or group. By complying with them, he gains a feeling of belonging and support which makes him feel less weak and less isolated... When he moves against people he accepts and takes for granted the hostility around him, and determines, consciously or unconsciously, to fight. He implicitly distrusts the feelings and intentions of others toward himself. He rebels in whatever ways are open to him. He wants to be the stronger and defeat them, partly for his own protection, partly for revenge... When he moves away from people he wants neither to belong nor to fight, but keeps apart. He feels he has not much in common with them, they do not understand him anyhow. He builds up a world of his own— with nature, with his dolls, his books, his dreams. In each of these three attitudes, one of the elements involved in basic anxiety is overemphasized: helplessness in the first, hostility in the second, and isolation in the third. But the fact is that the child cannot make any one of these moves wholeheartedly, because under the conditions in which the attitudes develop, all are bound to be present.

Gurur hem öylesine incinebilir, hem de öylesine değerlidir ki gelecekte de korunması gerekmektedir. Nevrotik kişi gelecekte incinebileceği durumları savuşturabilme umuduyla, inceden inceye işlenmiş bir kaçınmalar sistemi inşa edebilir. Bu da otomatik olarak süren bir süreçtir. Hasta bir etkinlikten gururunu incitebileceği düşüncesiyle kaçınmak istediğinin farkında değildir. Sadece kaçınıverir etkinlikten, hatta sıklıkla kaçındığının bile farkında olmaz. Süreç etkinliklerle ve insanlarla kurulan ilişkilerle ilgilidir ve gerçekçi çabaları ve gayretleri denetler. Yaygınsa, insanın yaşamını felce uğratır. Kişi parlak bir başarı elde edemeyecek diye yeteneklerine uygun herhangi bir ciddi uğraşa başlayamaz. Yazmak ya da resim yapmak ister ama işe koyulmayı göze almaz. Onu reddedecekler diye kızlarla tanışmayı göze almaz. Hatta oteldeki yöneticilerle ya da hamallarla doğru dürüst konuşamayacak diye seyahat etmeyi bile göze alamaz. Ya da yabancılarla birlikte olduğunda önemsiz biri gibi hissedeceği için yalnızca herkesin onu tanıdığı yerlere gidebilir. Sıkılgan hale geleceği için toplumsal ilişkilerden uzaklaşır. Böylece, gelir düzeyine göre ya dişe dokunur bir şey yapmaz ya da vasat bir işe bağlı kalır ve harcamalarını katı bir bicimde sınırlandırır. Birçok açıdan elindekilerinin ona yaşatacağının daha altında bir yaşam sürdürür. Uzun vadede bu durum onun başkalarından giderek daha da uzaklaşmasını gerektirecektir, çünkü kendi yaş gurubunun gerisinde kalmasıyla da yüzleşemeyecektir ve dolayısıyla başkalarının işiyle ilgili karşılaştırma yapmasından ya da sorular sormasından çekinecektir. Yaşama katlanabilmek için artık kendini özel hayal dünyasında daha sağlam bir biçimde emniyete alması gerekmektedir. Ancak, bütün bu önlemler gururunun incinmesini gidermekten çok onu maskeledikleri için nevrozunu geliştirmeye başlayabilir, çünkü büyük N ile başlayan nevroz başarı örneğinden yoksunluğunun değerli bir mazeretine dönüşür. Bunlar aşırı gelişmelerdir ve tabii ki, gurur temel etkenlerden biri olmasına karşın, bunlarda işleyen tek etken değildir. Çoğu zaman kaçınmalar belli alanlarla sınırlanır. Kişi en az kısıtlandığı ve hizmetinde olan alanlarda oldukça etkin ve etkili olabilir. Örneğin kendi alanında çok çalışıp başarılı olabilir, ancak toplumsal hayattan çekinir. Öte yandan toplumsal etkinliklerde veya Don Juan rolünde kendini güvende hissedebilir, ancak potansiyel kabiliyetlerinin sınanmasına neden olacak herhangi ciddi bir işe kalkışmayı göze almaz. Organizasyonda başı çeken biri olarak rolünde kendini güvende hissedebilir, ancak herhangi bir kişisel ilişkiden kaçınır, çünkü bu tür ilişkilerde incinebileceğine inanır. Başkalarıyla duygusal ilişkiler kurmakla ilgili birçok korkunun arasında (nevrotik kopukluk) gurura yönelik hasarlardan duyulan korku sıklıkla belirgin bir rol oynamaktadır. Ayrıca pek çok nedenden ötürü kişi, özellikle karşı cinsten biriyle ilişkisinde göz alıcı bir biçimde başarılı olmamaktan korkabilir. Bilinçdışı bir biçimde, geleceğe yönelik olarak -hasta erkekse- kadınlarla tanışırken ya da onlarla cinsel ilişki kurarken gururunun incineceğine inanır. Dolayısıyla kadınlar ona (gururuna) potansiyel bir tehdit gibi gelebilir. Bu korku hastanın onlara duyduğu beğeni duygularına gölge düşürecek hatta bunları ezecek ve dolayısıyla onun heteroseksüel ilişkilerden kaçınmasına neden olacak denli güçlüdür. .....Gurur çok çeşitli yollardan sevginin düşmanıdır." Sy124

Člověk může sám sebe oklamat, že druhého miluje například i přesto, že ho potřebuje pouze pro slepý obdiv, jenž od něj získává. V takových případech však člověk pravděpodobně druhého náhle odstrčí, nebo se dokonce obrátí proti němu, jakmile ten druhý začne být kritický, a tudíž přestane plnit svou funkci obdivovatele, pro niž byl milován.

Почему же важно, чтобы пациент не только раздумывал о силах, действующих в нем, а чувствовал их? Интеллектуальное понимание или познание какой-то вещи в строгом смысле слова – не "понимание" и не "познание" вообще: подумав о ней, мы ее еще не "поимели" и не "познали", она не стала живой для нас, не стала нашей. Может быть, умом-то пациент верно понимает проблему; но ум, как зеркало, не впитывает лучей света, а отражает их, поэтому и прилагает он такие "озарения" не к себе, а к другим. Или же его гордость своим умом овладевает им со скоростью света: он гордится, что для него воссияла истина, от которой другие отворачиваются и закрываются; он начинает крутить да вертеть свое открытие и выворачивает его так, что тут же его мстительность или, например, обидчивость, становятся полностью разумными реакциями. Или, наконец, власть чистого разума может показаться ему достаточной для изгнания беса проблемы: увидеть – это и есть решить.

Мы не можем вырасти в безвоздушном пространстве, без близости и трений с другими человеческими существами.

Что такое любовь – сказать очень трудно, но что не является любовью или какие элементы ей чужды – определить довольно легко. Можно очень глубоко любить человека и в то же время иногда на него сердиться, в чем-то ему отказывать или испытывать желание побыть одному. Но есть разница между такими, имеющими различные пределы реакциями гнева или ухода и отношением невротика, который всегда настороже против других людей, считая, что любой интерес, который они проявляют к третьим лицам, означает пренебрежение к нему. Невротик интерпретирует любое требование как предательство, а любую критику – как унижение. Это не любовь. Поэтому не следует думать, что любовь несовместима с деловой критикой тех или иных качеств или отношений, которая подразумевает помощь в их исправлении. Но к любви нельзя относить, как это часто делает невротик, невыносимое требование совершенства, требование, которое несет в себе враждебность: "Горе тебе, если ты не совершенен!

Психологическая выгода проецирования собственной тенденции ущемлять других очевидна. Намного приятнее чувствовать по отношению к другим праведный гнев, нежели смотреть в лицо собственной проблеме. Кроме того, истерические личности часто используют обвинения как средство запугивания или с целью заставить другого почувствовать свою вину и таким образом поставить себя в положение обиженного.

Но мы ненавидим себя не потому, что ничего не стоим, а потому, что нас тянет вылезти из кожи, прыгнуть выше головы.

Царство небесное внутри нас, его не заталкивают в нас снаружи.

Гордость и ненависть к себе неразделимы: это разные стороны единого процесса.

При любых неврозах способность любить серьезно нарушена и то, что кажется "любовью", на деле оказывается проявлением обостренной потребности пациента в привязанности и одобрении

Единственное, что по-настоящему заботит невротика, - это желание скрыть все недостатки, чтобы не подвергнуться критике и сохранить тайное чувство превосходства над другими

Все невротичные люди заметно неустойчивы в своей самооценке, колеблются между преувеличенным и приниженным представлениями о себе

Убеждение в существовании базисного конфликта человеческой личности восходит к древности и играет заметную роль в различных религиях и философских концепциях. Силы света и тьмы, Бога и дьявола, добра и зла - вот некоторые из антонимов, с помощью которых это убеждение выражено.

Последним способом защиты от признания конфликтов является цинизм - отрицание и высмеивание моральных ценностей

В то время как причины цинизма могут быть самыми различными, его функция неизменна - отрицать существование моральных ценностей, освобождая тем самым невротика от необходимости выяснять, во что же он на самом деле верит

Karen Horney was a German psychoanalyst who emigrated to the United States in the 1930s. I hadn’t heard of her, and I’d been looking for something else when I found her book Neurosis and Human Growth wedged into a bottom shelf next to some of the heavyweights of twentieth-century psychology, but its strange old title called out to me, and on a whim I took it home. Horney’s premise was that, in childhood, most people suffer from the feeling of being small and powerless in a dangerous world; she considered the feeling so common that she called it “basic anxiety.

The psychiatrist Donald Winnicott conceptualized the true self as the source of one’s spontaneous and creative energies, the sort of which are abundant in children at play, but often repressed in adulthood. William James likewise envisioned the true self as “the palpitating inward life” (William James), while the psychotherapist Karen Horney described it as: “the alive, unique, personal center of ourselves; the only part that can, and wants to, grow.” (Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth)

But Horney did not deem self-analysis as merely a possibility, rather, in many cases she thought it to be more desirable than traditional therapy. The therapist always begins as a stranger who requires months if not years of analysis to learn of the inner workings, complexities, and depths of our mind. We, on the other hand, are intimately familiar with ourselves. Given the right attitude, we can, therefore, explore and expose the elements of our unconscious wrecking havoc on our life more efficiently than a trained therapist. Furthermore, self-analysis has the added benefit that it can increase our strength and confidence to a greater degree than traditional therapy. Just as traversing a difficult mountain path on our own grants us a greater feeling of accomplishment than following a guide, so too, Horney notes, “there is a certain extra gain in having conquered [inner] territory entirely through one’s own initiative, courage, and perseverance.” (Karen Horney, Self-Analysis)

Здоровый человек получил большую часть своего отрицательного опыта именно тогда, когда мог с ним совладать, в то время как у невротика такой опыт пришелся на тот возраст, когда он еще не мог с ним справиться и вследствие своей беспомощности реагировал на него тревожность

Имеются матери, которые довольно наивно считают справедливым ожидать от своих детей слепой преданности и всевозможных жертв, потому что они "родили их в муках". Другие матери вытесняют свое желание абсолютной любви, поэтому в состоянии оказывать своим детям много настоящей помощи и поддержки; но такая мать не получает никакого удовлетворения от своих взаимоотношений с детьми, потому что полагает, как в уже упомянутых примерах, что дети любят ее только потому, что так много от нее получают, и таким образом она в душе сожалеет обо всем том, что дает им

Одним из факторов, обусловливающих использование алкоголя, определенно является снятие внутренних запретов, другим - ослабление печали и тревожности, но и в этом случае также первичное удовлетворение, к которому стремятся, - это удовлетворение от забытья и утраты сдерживающих начал

Любовь сама по себе не иллюзия, несмотря на то что в нашей культуре она чаще всего служит ширмой для удовлетворения желаний, не имеющих с ней ничего общего; но она превращается в иллюзию, так как мы ждем от нее намного больше того, что она в состоянии дать. И идеологический упор, который мы делаем на любовь, служит сокрытию тех факторов, которые порождают нашу чрезмерную в ней потребность

Представляется, что невротиком может стать такой человек, который пережил обусловленные культурой трудности в обостренной форме, преломив их главным образом через сферу детских переживаний, и вследствие этого оказался неспособен их разрешить или разрешил их ценой большего ущерба для своей личности

Невротичные родители обычно недовольны своей жизнью, не имеют удовлетворительных эмоциональных или сексуальных отношений и поэтому склонны делать детей объектами своей любви

После первых двух или трех лет жизни происходит решительный переход от преимущественно биологической зависимости (от родителей) к той форме зависимости, которая затрагивает психическую, интеллектуальную и душевную жизнь ребенка

Нормальное стремление к власти рождается из силы, невротическое - из слабости

У детей, растущих в неблагоприятных условиях, беспомощность обычно искусственно закреплена вследствие запуганности, сюсюканья или вследствие того, что ребенка воспитывают и держат в состоянии эмоциональной зависимости

Современная культура экономически основывается на принципе индивидуального соперничества

Неврозы являются той ценой, которую приходится платить человечеству за культурное развитие

Дети, так же как и взрослые, могут переносить очень многие лишения, если чувствуют, что они справедливы, необходимы или имеют важное значение

Конфликтная ситуация невротичного человека проистекает из отчаянного и навязчивого желания быть первым и из столь же сильного навязчивого побуждения сдерживать себя

Теряя невротическую одержимость собой, мы обретаем свободу роста, освобождаемся для любви и заботы о других людях. Мы хотим обеспечить им возможность для нестесненного роста, пока они молоды, и помочь им любым возможным путем найти и осуществить себя, когда они блокированы в своем развитии. Идеалом применительно к себе или к другому становится освобождение и культивация сил, ведущих к самоосуществлению.

Поэтому почти невозможно для него принять на себя единственную имеющую значение ответственность. А это, по сути, не больше, но и не меньше, чем обычная, простая честность в ответах самому себе о себе и о своей жизни. У этой честности три дела: прямое признание себя таким, какой ты есть, без преуменьшений или преувеличений; готовность отвечать за последствия своих действий, решений и т.п., не пытаясь "вывернуться" или свалить вину на других; осознание, что решение твоих проблем зависит от тебя, а не другие люди, судьба или время должны их за тебя решать.

Большая часть невротических нарушений сопротивляется даже самым неистовым попыткам контроля. Сознательные усилия просто бесполезны при депрессии, при глубоко внедрившихся затруднениях в работе и при постоянных, засасывающих мечтах – снах наяву.

У Надо есть еще одно качество, отличающее их от подлинных норм. Оно содержится в предыдущих рассуждениях, но слишком весомо и заслуживает отдельного обсуждения. Это их принудительный характер. Идеалы тоже властны нас заставлять. Например, если среди них есть вера в то, что нужно нести взятую на себя ответственность, мы стараемся так и делать, даже если это трудно. Но следовать идеалу – это то, чего мы в конечном счете, хотим, или то, что считаем правильным. Желание, суждение, решение принадлежат нам. И поскольку при этом мы в ладу и заодно с собой, усилия такого рода дают нам свободу и силу. А в покорности Надо ровно столько же свободы, сколько в "добровольном" сотрудничестве с диктаторским режимом или в его восхвалении. В обоих случаях следует немедленная кара, если мы не выполним ожидаемого от нас. В случае внутренних предписаний – это ужасная эмоциональная реакция несостоятельности, содержащая полный набор тревоги, отчаяния, презрения к себе и саморазрушительных импульсов. Постороннему наблюдателю она может показаться несоразмерной тому, что ее вызвало. Однако она полностью соразмерна тому, что значимо для индивида.

Сила подлинного я человека и есть глубинный источник его роста

Злокачественность невротической гордости состоит в сочетании ее жизненной важности для человека с тем, что она делает его чрезвычайно уязвимым. Эта ситуация создает напряжение, которое из-за его силы и постоянства столь невыносимо, что от него ищут избавления, автоматически пытаясь залечить гордость от полученной раны или избегая того, что ей угрожает.

Невротик создает искусную систему избеганий в надежде обойти будущие угрозы для его гордости. Это тоже автоматический процесс. Он не отдает себе отчета, что хочет избежать чего-либо, потому что это может ранить его гордость. Он просто избегает этого, часто даже и того не осознавая. Процесс этот касается и деятельности, и отношении с людьми, и может стать препятствием для реалистических стремлений и усилий. Если он захватывает большие области, то фактически калечит человеку жизнь.

Если говорить о предстоящей работе в позитивном смысле, то она касается всего, что входит в самоосуществление. По отношению к самому себе она означает стремление более ясно и глубоко испытывать свои чувства, желания, убеждения; найти доступ к своим ресурсам и использовать их конструктивно; яснее воспринимать направление своей жизни, с ответственностью за себя и свои решения. По отношению к другим – это стремление общаться с ними в соответствии со своими истинными чувствами; уважать в них отдельную личность со своими правами и особенностями; взаимодействовать с ними, а не использовать их как средство достижения своих целей. По отношению к работе это означает, что сама работа становится важнее, чем удовлетворение гордости или тщеславия, а цель ее теперь – открыть и развить то, чем ты одарен, и стать более продуктивным.