John Mulaney Quotes

Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.

I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.

And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!" And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!" And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!

My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I'll apologise to you.

It's strange sometimes, you know, like I'm doing great. But when I'm alone, I'm with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like, 'Oh great, this fucking guy again. Jesus.' That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes, but it's also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes. 'Cause, like, look, I... I used to care what everyone thought about me... so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don't anymore. And I don't because I can honestly say: What is someone going to do to me that's worse than what I would do to myself? What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I'll kill him. I almost did.

There is a horse, LOOSE in the hospital

I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room

[groans] you know, life.

As much as I tried to push them down, still going onstage nightly, smiling through light, fluffy jokes about ice packs and whether or not vampires were afraid of lowercase “t”s, these feelings eventually found a way out on their own: out of nowhere, I felt a deep, dull ache in my balls. After waiting for the pain to go away, occasionally icing them with cans of orange soda, or warming them with a sock filled with rice I’d heat up in the microwave, I asked my friend John Mulaney if he would go to the doctor if his balls hurt for no reason for over a week. I still remember the look on his face and the sound of horror in his voice: “For God’s sakes, yes!