Jimmy Carr Quotes

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

Creationists, the right-wing Christians, creationists believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.

Common sense and a sense of humour, are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humour, is just common sense, dancing.

Here’s the truth of it: no one wants you to follow your dream. Best-case scenario, they’ll want you to follow their dream for you.

I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly.

Fear is nothing to be afraid of. Fear is a performance-enhancing drug.

The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

You want the key to happiness? I’ll give it to you. Happiness is expectations exceeded. Happiness is the gap between what we thought might happen and what actually happened.

Here’s my advice for dealing with family trauma: accept the apology you’re never going to get and move on. There, I just saved you £25,000 in therapy. You’re welcome.

shredding files faster than Jimmy Carr’s accountant.

Be nice because it’s the right thing to do, it’s the best way to act in the world and it is what good human beings do. Being difficult and diva-ish or petulant just makes you hard to deal with, it doesn’t make you more authentic or creative or real.

Failure is not falling down. Failure is falling down and not getting up again to continue life’s race. – Richard Nixon

People say, “Now you’ve given up booze at least you can remember what you did last night.” I say, “Yeah, nothing.” —Frank Skinner

The limits of my language are the limits of my world. — Ludwig Wittgenstein

To say that ‘life’s a joke’ is not so much to belittle life as to correctly identify the elusive nature of the joke. Jokes have the measure of us. They change in the telling, defy capture, slip through our fingers like water. And they outlast us all. They are trifles, fragments, nothings that turn out to be all that’s left: the aptest metaphor for our pathetic species’ struggle to survive.

Actually, seriousness is not incompatible with joking. It’s a common mistake to confuse ‘serious’ with ‘solemn’, and to assume that seriousness of purpose can only be conveyed by solemnity of tone.

Change is always right around the corner. It’s probably best to start thinking of it as a good thing because however comfortable and content you are right now, this too shall pass. However despairing and anxious you are right now, this too shall pass.

When you look back on your life you won’t remember sitting on the sofa watching TV, you’ll remember the uncomfortable times. You’ll remember the times you struggled, the sweat, the tears, you’ll remember when you overcame adversity. Those are the great moments of your life.

As for that Maxine Carr, she could have helped clear up the murders much quicker, but she chose not to grass her lover to the coppers, no one in the criminal world likes grasses, but this isn’t any normal criminal case. Huntley isn’t a criminal, he is a total fucking, monster beast who, if I had my way, I could hang him in Soham town hall for the families to see.

If you can be with a loved one when they die, you should. Her hands getting cold as the circulation shuts down, her breathing getting heavy, the death rattle. Bearing witness to a death is an incredibly intimate thing. You should be there, not because it’s easy – it isn’t – but because one day you’ll want someone to hold your hand. One day your mum put you down and never picked you up again.

Jimmy Carr, no stranger to giving perceived offence, sets out a good rule: if you have to look over your shoulder, don’t tell the joke.

Have you ever been to the Parthenon in Athens? If you’ve seen a photo, it’s nice, right? The photo is nice, but the real thing is fucking amazing. That’s like you. The best photo of you is nothing like being in the room with you.

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

1973 was the year when the United Kingdom entered the European Economic Union, the year when Watergate helped us with a name for all future scandals, Carly Simon began the year at number one with ‘You’re So Vain’, John Tavener premiered his Variations on ‘Three Blind Mice’ for orchestra, the year when The Godfather won Best Picture Oscar, when the Bond film was Live and Let Die, when Perry Henzell’s film The Harder They Come, starring Jimmy Cliff, opened, when Sofia Gubaidulina’s Roses for piano and soprano premiered in Moscow, when David Bowie was Aladdin Sane, Lou Reed walked on the wild side and made up a ‘Berlin’, Slade were feeling the noize, Dobie Gray was drifting away, Bruce Springsteen was ‘Blinded by the Light’, Tom Waits was calling ‘Closing Time’, Bob Dylan was ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’, Sly and the Family Stone were ‘Fresh’, Queen recorded their first radio session for John Peel, when Marvin Gaye sang ‘What’s Going On’ and Ann Peebles’s ‘I Can’t Stand the Rain’, when Morton Feldman’s Voices and Instruments II for three female voices, flute, two cellos and bass, Alfred Schnittke’s Suite in the Old Style for violin and piano and Iannis Xenakis’s Eridanos for brass and strings premiered, when Ian Carr’s Nucleus released two albums refining their tangy English survey of the current jazz-rock mind of Miles Davis, when Ornette Coleman started recording again after a five-year pause, making a field recording in Morocco with the Master Musicians of Joujouka, when Stevie Wonder reached No. 1 with ‘Superstition’ and ‘You Are the Sunshine of My Life’, when Free, Family and the Byrds played their last show, 10cc played their first, the Everly Brothers split up, Gram Parsons died, and DJ Kool Herc DJed his first block party for his sister’s birthday in the Bronx, New York, where he mixed instrumental sections of two copies of the same record using two turntables.

Laughter is a release of tension on discovering that a perceived threat is not, in fact, a threat at all.

In the normal run of things, we ignore the joke's dark underbelly. We laugh them off without much thought, but the jokes we tell and the jokes we respond to reveal a great deal about us. They can function at once to conceal and to expose our deepest beliefs and bigotries.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. – Philip Larkin

I write only when inspiration strikes. Fortunately, it strikes every morning at 9.00 sharp. — Somerset Maugham

What society chooses to call mad is sometimes just creativity out of context

Do the duty nearest to thee, and thy second duty will already become clearer. – Thomas Carlyle

The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time

Or even, like the Union commander General John Sedgwick, during the American Civil War, 'They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist...

stressed by failure. All failure is just feedback. You look at something and think, ‘Okay, that doesn’t work, I’ll change it.’ If something doesn’t work, you change your behaviour

Jesse Joyce is an excellent stand up comedian and comedy writer. But it’s my contention that his borderline obsession with researching weird and wonderful events from history has robbed America of a great serial killer.

But here’s the thing about being human: if we put off doing anything risky for long enough, fear will attach itself. Then what happens is that fear will attract even more fear until the fear becomes so big it starts to obscure the thing you mean to do. Fuck that shit. Feel the fear and fuck it anyway.