Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

The best revenge is living well.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

No soup for you

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Come on, who saw what happened?" "I did," I volenteered. "Well?" "Buttwipe wanted to know what jerkface was looking at." I turned turned eyes on the bloody and dirt-smeared brawlers. "You were barely 3-inches apart. Couldn't you see that you were both looking at each other?" The teacher's face reddened. "Who do you think you are? Jerry Seinfeld?" "You must be confused with another student," I told him. "My name is Capricorn Anderson.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

i chose not to run

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Festivus for the Restivus!

I gazed around the room and my eyes stopped dead on a little boy standing in the corner. This was a particularly eerie doll. Life-sized and blond-haired and blue-eyed. I saw a little Nazi boy, pockets probably stuffed with scissors and retractable blades. My grandfather on my mother's side was rumored to be half Jewish, which practically makes me Jerry Seinfeld's brother, and thus wary of blond German boys with their hands out of sight.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

Jerry Seinfeld once remarked that today’s athletes churn through the rosters of sports teams so rapidly that a fan can no longer support a group of players. He is reduced to rooting for their team logo and uniforms: “You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. JERRY SEINFELD

You know, a wise man once said, ‘Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap.’ ” “Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap,” she repeated. “Sounds like St. Ignatius.” “Jerry Seinfeld actually.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld advised aspiring comedian Brad Isaac that, because daily writing was the key to writing better jokes, Isaac should buy a calendar with a box for every day of the year, and every day, after writing, cross off the day with a big red X. “After a few days you’ll have a chain,” Seinfeld explained. “You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.

No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way?" - Jerry, "Seinfeld

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler.

Newman!!!

I binge-watched every season of Seinfeld when I was fifteen and came out of it believing that Jerry was right—there’s something annoying about every single human on this planet.

Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don't know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.

Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.

we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.

He takes a big chip, dips it in the salsa, bites off half, and double dips. That’s right. He just offended Jerry Seinfeld and the crew with one bite.

George Costanza gave to Jerry Seinfeld about how to fool a polygraph test: “Jerry, just remember. It’s not a lie if you believe it.

Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going "what do you mean there's no time?

But the health clubs are a little too strict. What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

A calendar helps you plan work, gives you concrete goals, and keeps you on track. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a calendar method that helps him stick to his daily joke writing. He suggests that you get a wall calendar that shows you the whole year. Then, you break your work into daily chunks. Each day, when you’re finished with your work, make a big fat X in the day’s box. Every day, instead of just getting work done, your goal is to just fill a box. “After a few days you’ll have a chain,” Seinfeld says. “Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.” Get a calendar. Fill the boxes. Don’t break the chain.

Jerry Seinfeld is a genius. Seinfeld, who doesn’t need to work, still does stand-up comedy, fine-tuning his bits obsessively, averaging close to a hundred shows a year. He says he’s going to keep doing it “into my 80s, and beyond.” In a recent interview, he compared himself to surfers: “What are they doing this for? It’s just pure. You’re alone. That wave is so much bigger and stronger than you. You’re always outnumbered. They always can crush you. And yet you’re going to accept that and turn it into a little, brief, meaningless art form.” Selya

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try to commit suicide, for some reason they don't die, and that's it. They stop trying. Why don't they just keep trying? What's changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact. it's worse, because now they've found out here's one more thing you stink at. And that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. They give up too easy. I say, pills don't work? Try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.

No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry

When you are driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something.

Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.

Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

I love those small airplane bathrooms. It's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It's a little surprise part every time you go in.

I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.

The most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in office is that when you show up in the morning you say "hi" to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.

Seven Jews have changed the way we perceive the world: Moses said ‘Everything is in the head!’, Jesus said ‘Everything is in the heart!’, Marx said ‘Everything is in the stomach!’, Freud said ‘Everything is in the loin!’, Zuckermann said ‘Everything is in the tongue!’, Zuckerberg said ‘Everything is online!’, Einstein said ‘Everything is relative!’. The success of language revival is relative. No language reclamation can be fully successful. And as an eighth Jew, Jerry Seinfeld, once said: ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

can tell you the happiest a person can possibly be. ’Cause I’ve taken note of it. The happiest you can be is to be from a Latin country and score a goal in soccer. It’s probably four to eight seconds. But I don’t think it’s possible to be happier than that. I’ve never seen a greater happiness than that. Can you name me a happier person? Happier than that? Happiest you can be. I don’t think you can beat it. No sex stuff either. That’s too easy.

In 2008, an Australian company commissioned a study to find out exactly how much people fear public speaking. The survey of more than one thousand people found that 23 percent feared public speaking more than death itself! As Jerry Seinfeld once said, most people attending a funeral would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy! I can relate to those people because I feared speaking in front of a class or group of people more than anything else when I was a kid. In fact, I dropped speech in high school because when I signed up for it I thought it was a grammar class for an English credit. When I found out it actually required giving an oral presentation, I didn’t want any part of it! After hearing the overview of the class on the first day, I got out of my seat and walked toward the door; the teacher asked me where I was going. We had a brief meeting in the hall, in which she informed me that nobody ever dropped her class. After a meeting with the principal, I dropped the class, but on the condition that I might be called upon in the near future to use my hunting and fishing skills. I thought the principal was joking--until I was called upon later that year during duck season to pick ducks during recess! I looked at it as a fair trade.

Somewhere in between are the rest of us natives, in whom such change revives long-buried anger at those faraway people who seem to govern the world: city people, educated city people who win and control while the rest of us work and lose. Snort at the proposition if you want, but that was the view I grew up with, and it still is quite prevalent, though not so open as in those days. These are the sentiments the fearful rich and the Republicans capitalize on in order to kick liberal asses in elections. The Democrats' 2006 midterm gains should not fool anyone into thinking that these feelings are not still out here in this heartland that has so rapidly become suburbanized. It is still politically profitable to cast matters as a battle between the slick people, liberals all, and the regular Joes, people who like white bread and Hamburger Helper and "normal" beer. When you are looking around you in the big cities at all those people, it's hard to understand that there are just as many out here who never will taste sushi or, in all likelihood, fly on an airplane other than when we are flown to boot camp, compliments of Uncle Sam. Only 20 percent of Americans have ever owned a passport. To the working people I grew up with, sophistication of any and all types, and especially urbanity, is suspect. Hell, those city people have never even fired a gun. Then again, who would ever trust Jerry Seinfeld or Dennis Kucinich or Hillary Clinton with a gun? At least Dick Cheney hunts, even if he ain't safe to hunt with. George W. Bush probably knows a good goose gun when he sees one. Guns are everyday tools, like Skil saws and barbecue grills. So when the left began to demonize gun owners in the 1960s, they not only were arrogant and insulting because they associated all gun owners with criminals but also were politically stupid. It made perfect sense to middle America that the gun control movement was centered in large urban areas, the home to everything against which middle America tries to protect itself—gangbangers, queer bars, dope-fiend burglars, swarthy people jabbering in strange languages. From the perspective of small and medium-size towns all over the country, antigun activists are an overwrought bunch.

It is when you are feeling most stressed, upset and angry, that you must channel all that powerful Herculean energy into dynamic and creative expression of body, mind and soul......That or watch a Seinfeld re-run. Nothing kills a mad rage like a bit of Jerry Seinfeld....GO!

Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with 20 per cent fewer letters. JERRY SEINFELD

Grandpa, you mean when you were a kid, no dogs could vote?” “That’s right, Jimmy. They had no say in the world at all. They were just pets.” “Woww…

In the 1990s, on The Late Show with David Letterman, the comedian Jerry Seinfeld discussed this common human plight: I saw an ad. I love this concept of, “No payments until June.” People are like, “Oh June, it will never be June.” They buy things and say to themselves, “The guy in June, he’ll have money somehow.” And I do that with myself. Like late at night, I think, “Well, it’s night, I’m having a good time, I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m Night Guy. Getting up after five hours’ sleep? That’s Morning Guy’s problem. Let him worry about that. I’m Night Guy, I’ve got to party.” Then you get up after five hours of sleep, you’re cranky, you’re exhausted. Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There’s nothing Morning Guy can do to get back at Night Guy. The only thing Morning Guy could do is try to oversleep so many times that Day Guy loses his job and then Night Guy doesn’t have any more money to go out. Letterman laughed and replied, “You have done an excellent job of crystallizing the dichotomy of modern American life.

For a time Jerry toyed with appearing in another improvisational play called Story Theater, in which he and Carbone considered and rehearsed singing Frankie Avalon’s hit Venus, but changing the key lyric to “penis.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

Gutter Ball You don’t think we’re horrible parents? You take a kid bowling now, they have these rails that come up out of the gutters. So when the stupid kid rolls the ball, it has to hit a pin. Has to. We eliminated the gutter ball. Nice preparation for life. I think the gutter ball is really the only life lesson a kid really needs to have. You either do the thing you’re doing right, or there’s a huge ka-klunk sound

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed

Doctors estimate that seventy to eighty percent of their business is non-health-related. People aren't sick, they're self- dramatizing. Sometimes the hardest part of a medical job is keeping a straight face. As Jerry Seinfeld observed of his twenty years of dating: "That's a lot of acting fascinated.

Well that's it, I give up. I really don't know what the women are thinking. I've talked with them. I've studied them. I've asked them to study me. And I have to admit I am still at aquare one.

I believe we're all secretly happy we can't figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

The best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship.

When you're married, you are a part of a vast decision making body. Before anything is accomplished, there's got to be meetings, committees have to study the situation.

All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other in life. This is the male code.

Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all.

What men want is to do whatever the hell stupid thing it is that we’re doing, and if you could please just leave me the hell alone and let me do it, I think we’ll both be a lot happier.

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story?

I binge-watched every season of Seinfeld when I was fifteen and came out of it believing that Jerry was right—there’s something annoying about every single human on this planet. Annoying enough to make relationships seem like torture.

I fear we are in danger of losing this ability to laugh off the small stuff, and we are even closer to losing the ability to laugh at the big stuff. Comedians like Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock no longer perform on college campuses. Why? The PC culture has driven comedians away. In a 2015 interview, Seinfeld observed: ‘They just want to use these words: That’s racist. That’s sexist. That’s prejudice,’” he said. ‘They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.’ Comedians are worried that they’ll offend an overly sensitive generation of students looking for any reason to be offended. This is deeply unfortunate, and not just for the sake of comedy.

Ainda não sei ao certo de onde vêm as piadas. Talvez de uma mistura emocional de tédio, agressividade, intensa acuidade visual e outro tipo de agilidade da mente que nos permite transformar o que vemos naquilo que queremos ver

I think that comedy makes everyone feel weightless. The weight of whatever their troubles, or the weight of life, and in that moment, when you're laughing, it's like you're free of earth's gravity.

The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.

All life is about the company you keep. All enjoyment is about the company you keep. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. - Chris Rock

Because we’re disconnected from our Future Selves, we opt for near immediate goals or dopamine hits. This short-term seeking ends up costing our Future Selves big. [Example of this, from comedian Jerry Seinfeld] Late at night, I think, “Well, it’s night, I’m having a good time, I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m Night Guy. Getting up after five hours’ sleep? That’s Morning Guy’s problem. Let him worry about that. I’m Night Guy, I’ve got to party.” Then you get up after five hours of sleep, you’re cranky, you’re exhausted. Night Guy always screws Morning Guy.

Nichols successfully recruiting women and people of color into the space program would be like if Jerry Seinfeld gave up comedy and became a social activist, intent on reforming the customer service practices of fancy soup places in New York.

I am completely obsessed. And the audience wants that; they pay for that. I don’t want to see someone who’s kind of into it. ... That’s what I care about. That’s all I care about. I don’t care what you do—I just want to see people and talk to people and be around people who are into it.