Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

The best revenge is living well.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

No soup for you

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Come on, who saw what happened?" "I did," I volenteered. "Well?" "Buttwipe wanted to know what jerkface was looking at." I turned turned eyes on the bloody and dirt-smeared brawlers. "You were barely 3-inches apart. Couldn't you see that you were both looking at each other?" The teacher's face reddened. "Who do you think you are? Jerry Seinfeld?" "You must be confused with another student," I told him. "My name is Capricorn Anderson.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

i chose not to run

Festivus for the Restivus!

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I gazed around the room and my eyes stopped dead on a little boy standing in the corner. This was a particularly eerie doll. Life-sized and blond-haired and blue-eyed. I saw a little Nazi boy, pockets probably stuffed with scissors and retractable blades. My grandfather on my mother's side was rumored to be half Jewish, which practically makes me Jerry Seinfeld's brother, and thus wary of blond German boys with their hands out of sight.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

Jerry Seinfeld once remarked that today’s athletes churn through the rosters of sports teams so rapidly that a fan can no longer support a group of players. He is reduced to rooting for their team logo and uniforms: “You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. JERRY SEINFELD

You know, a wise man once said, ‘Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap.’ ” “Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap,” she repeated. “Sounds like St. Ignatius.” “Jerry Seinfeld actually.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld advised aspiring comedian Brad Isaac that, because daily writing was the key to writing better jokes, Isaac should buy a calendar with a box for every day of the year, and every day, after writing, cross off the day with a big red X. “After a few days you’ll have a chain,” Seinfeld explained. “You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.

Newman!!!

No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way?" - Jerry, "Seinfeld

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler.

I binge-watched every season of Seinfeld when I was fifteen and came out of it believing that Jerry was right—there’s something annoying about every single human on this planet.

we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.

Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.

Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don't know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.

George Costanza gave to Jerry Seinfeld about how to fool a polygraph test: “Jerry, just remember. It’s not a lie if you believe it.

He takes a big chip, dips it in the salsa, bites off half, and double dips. That’s right. He just offended Jerry Seinfeld and the crew with one bite.

Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going "what do you mean there's no time?

But the health clubs are a little too strict. What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

A calendar helps you plan work, gives you concrete goals, and keeps you on track. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a calendar method that helps him stick to his daily joke writing. He suggests that you get a wall calendar that shows you the whole year. Then, you break your work into daily chunks. Each day, when you’re finished with your work, make a big fat X in the day’s box. Every day, instead of just getting work done, your goal is to just fill a box. “After a few days you’ll have a chain,” Seinfeld says. “Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.” Get a calendar. Fill the boxes. Don’t break the chain.

Jerry Seinfeld is a genius. Seinfeld, who doesn’t need to work, still does stand-up comedy, fine-tuning his bits obsessively, averaging close to a hundred shows a year. He says he’s going to keep doing it “into my 80s, and beyond.” In a recent interview, he compared himself to surfers: “What are they doing this for? It’s just pure. You’re alone. That wave is so much bigger and stronger than you. You’re always outnumbered. They always can crush you. And yet you’re going to accept that and turn it into a little, brief, meaningless art form.” Selya

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try to commit suicide, for some reason they don't die, and that's it. They stop trying. Why don't they just keep trying? What's changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact. it's worse, because now they've found out here's one more thing you stink at. And that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. They give up too easy. I say, pills don't work? Try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.

Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.

Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.

No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry

When you are driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

I love those small airplane bathrooms. It's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It's a little surprise part every time you go in.

I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.

The most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in office is that when you show up in the morning you say "hi" to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.

Seven Jews have changed the way we perceive the world: Moses said ‘Everything is in the head!’, Jesus said ‘Everything is in the heart!’, Marx said ‘Everything is in the stomach!’, Freud said ‘Everything is in the loin!’, Zuckermann said ‘Everything is in the tongue!’, Zuckerberg said ‘Everything is online!’, Einstein said ‘Everything is relative!’. The success of language revival is relative. No language reclamation can be fully successful. And as an eighth Jew, Jerry Seinfeld, once said: ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

can tell you the happiest a person can possibly be. ’Cause I’ve taken note of it. The happiest you can be is to be from a Latin country and score a goal in soccer. It’s probably four to eight seconds. But I don’t think it’s possible to be happier than that. I’ve never seen a greater happiness than that. Can you name me a happier person? Happier than that? Happiest you can be. I don’t think you can beat it. No sex stuff either. That’s too easy.

In 2008, an Australian company commissioned a study to find out exactly how much people fear public speaking. The survey of more than one thousand people found that 23 percent feared public speaking more than death itself! As Jerry Seinfeld once said, most people attending a funeral would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy! I can relate to those people because I feared speaking in front of a class or group of people more than anything else when I was a kid. In fact, I dropped speech in high school because when I signed up for it I thought it was a grammar class for an English credit. When I found out it actually required giving an oral presentation, I didn’t want any part of it! After hearing the overview of the class on the first day, I got out of my seat and walked toward the door; the teacher asked me where I was going. We had a brief meeting in the hall, in which she informed me that nobody ever dropped her class. After a meeting with the principal, I dropped the class, but on the condition that I might be called upon in the near future to use my hunting and fishing skills. I thought the principal was joking--until I was called upon later that year during duck season to pick ducks during recess! I looked at it as a fair trade.

Somewhere in between are the rest of us natives, in whom such change revives long-buried anger at those faraway people who seem to govern the world: city people, educated city people who win and control while the rest of us work and lose. Snort at the proposition if you want, but that was the view I grew up with, and it still is quite prevalent, though not so open as in those days. These are the sentiments the fearful rich and the Republicans capitalize on in order to kick liberal asses in elections. The Democrats' 2006 midterm gains should not fool anyone into thinking that these feelings are not still out here in this heartland that has so rapidly become suburbanized. It is still politically profitable to cast matters as a battle between the slick people, liberals all, and the regular Joes, people who like white bread and Hamburger Helper and "normal" beer. When you are looking around you in the big cities at all those people, it's hard to understand that there are just as many out here who never will taste sushi or, in all likelihood, fly on an airplane other than when we are flown to boot camp, compliments of Uncle Sam. Only 20 percent of Americans have ever owned a passport. To the working people I grew up with, sophistication of any and all types, and especially urbanity, is suspect. Hell, those city people have never even fired a gun. Then again, who would ever trust Jerry Seinfeld or Dennis Kucinich or Hillary Clinton with a gun? At least Dick Cheney hunts, even if he ain't safe to hunt with. George W. Bush probably knows a good goose gun when he sees one. Guns are everyday tools, like Skil saws and barbecue grills. So when the left began to demonize gun owners in the 1960s, they not only were arrogant and insulting because they associated all gun owners with criminals but also were politically stupid. It made perfect sense to middle America that the gun control movement was centered in large urban areas, the home to everything against which middle America tries to protect itself—gangbangers, queer bars, dope-fiend burglars, swarthy people jabbering in strange languages. From the perspective of small and medium-size towns all over the country, antigun activists are an overwrought bunch.

when i think 'dave eggers' in my head it's in the same tone of voice jerry seinfeld uses to say 'hello newman' at work i wanted to start saying 'newman' every time something went wrong but i always forgot to do it

Amy Schumer: I did an interview with Jerry Seinfeld the other day. Judd Apatow: You did? Did you know him at all? Amy: We met a bunch of times at the Cellar, but I didn’t know him well. He picked me up in a Ferrari, and then it broke down on [the] West Side Highway. It was a real piece of shit. It was smoking, it was real scary. Judd:

I binge-watched every season of Seinfeld when I was fifteen and came out of it believing that Jerry was right—there’s something annoying about every single human on this planet. Annoying enough to make relationships seem like torture.

In the 1990s, on The Late Show with David Letterman, the comedian Jerry Seinfeld discussed this common human plight: I saw an ad. I love this concept of, “No payments until June.” People are like, “Oh June, it will never be June.” They buy things and say to themselves, “The guy in June, he’ll have money somehow.” And I do that with myself. Like late at night, I think, “Well, it’s night, I’m having a good time, I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m Night Guy. Getting up after five hours’ sleep? That’s Morning Guy’s problem. Let him worry about that. I’m Night Guy, I’ve got to party.” Then you get up after five hours of sleep, you’re cranky, you’re exhausted. Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There’s nothing Morning Guy can do to get back at Night Guy. The only thing Morning Guy could do is try to oversleep so many times that Day Guy loses his job and then Night Guy doesn’t have any more money to go out. Letterman laughed and replied, “You have done an excellent job of crystallizing the dichotomy of modern American life.

Doctors estimate that seventy to eighty percent of their business is non-health-related. People aren't sick, they're self- dramatizing. Sometimes the hardest part of a medical job is keeping a straight face. As Jerry Seinfeld observed of his twenty years of dating: "That's a lot of acting fascinated.

Because we’re disconnected from our Future Selves, we opt for near immediate goals or dopamine hits. This short-term seeking ends up costing our Future Selves big. [Example of this, from comedian Jerry Seinfeld] Late at night, I think, “Well, it’s night, I’m having a good time, I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m Night Guy. Getting up after five hours’ sleep? That’s Morning Guy’s problem. Let him worry about that. I’m Night Guy, I’ve got to party.” Then you get up after five hours of sleep, you’re cranky, you’re exhausted. Night Guy always screws Morning Guy.

Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987) was released in theaters — unheard of for a standup concert film — and grossed over $50M. Behind the scenes there was some grumbling over Keenen’s credits as both a writer and producer. Murphy's then-manager, Richie Tienken, insists Keenen’s work on Raw was negligible. “Eddie was working on his routine and was having a problem with a line,” says Tienken. “He talked to Keenen about it and Keenen basically said, ‘Well, why don’t you say it this way?’ And it worked. I said to Eddie, ‘That was really nice of Keenen to help you with that.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, he asked me for a co-writing credit.’ I was like, ‘What? It was one fucking line. This guy’s your friend.’ ” Tienken points out that comedians are always helping each other out with bits. He’s worked with comics such as Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, and Ray Romano. “They all helped each other. They didn’t ask for anything. I think I even went to Keenen and said, ‘You’ve got some pair of fucking balls asking him for that.’ ” Chris Rock, who was just getting to know Eddie and Keenen around this time, recalled watching Eddie prepare for the shows on his Raw tour, batting around material with friends. Occasionally, Rock and others might help “tag” a joke. “I might have got a line in,” Rock told Marc Maron during a 2011 interview, referring to Raw. “That’s what friends are for, for tags. It’s only when they’re not your friends when they go, ‘I should get a writing credit for that tag.’ ” Eddie and Keenen had a falling-out over all this, and one person close to the situation at the time says Arsenio Hall called Keenen afterward and said something to the effect of “You’re out and I’m in.” For his part, though, Eddie never publicly complained about Keenen’s contributions — or lack thereof — to Raw.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. ~Jerry Seinfeld

It is when you are feeling most stressed, upset and angry, that you must channel all that powerful Herculean energy into dynamic and creative expression of body, mind and soul......That or watch a Seinfeld re-run. Nothing kills a mad rage like a bit of Jerry Seinfeld....GO!

Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with 20 per cent fewer letters. JERRY SEINFELD

He was dressed, as I supposed befitted a warlock, in black—long pants, large boots, and a long-sleeved, billowy shirt that reminded me of Jerry Seinfeld’s puffy pirate shirt.

Elaine: They're good people. They do good things, they READ. Jerry: I READ. Elaine: Books, Jerry. Jerry: Oh. Big deal.

(Even comedian Jerry Seinfeld eventually got into the act, telling Nightly News host Brian Williams, “On a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum. Basic social engagement is really a struggle. But I don’t see it as dysfunctional. I just think of it as an alternate mind-set.”)

Jerry Seinfeld jokes, “If you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I do the exact same thing now as I did when I was 21 in 1975. I sit and play with ideas. I'm never not working on material. Every second of my existence I'm thinking "Could I do something with that". It's like going into the gym everyday. You walk in everyday and say "Oh jeeez... I gotta do this again?!". Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with. That's marriage, kids, work, exercise... It is not eating the food you wanna eat... Find the torture you 're comfortable with and you'll do well.

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story?

The hospital is: Rest. Cleanliness. And if it doesn’t work out, they help you get to the next place. When you walk in the sign says “Hospital,” but it could also be: Bed, Bath and Beyond.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

But that’s what marriage is. It’s two people. That’s it. Trying to stay together, without saying the words “I hate you.” Which you are not allowed to say. Don’t say that. You can feel it. That’s okay. Just don’t let it come out. Say something else. Anything. Say, “Why is there never any Scotch tape in this god damn house?” “Scotch” is “I.” “Tape” is “hate.” “House” is “you.” But it’s better. It’s better to say, “You know, no normal human being leaves a bathroom floor that wet.

There’s a level of boredom where you cannot support your body weight. My parents would take me to the bank and I would just liquefy. I’d walk in, “Oh, I can’t handle this…” The legs just give out. They’d turn around from the teller’s window and I would be flat on my back in the middle of the floor. Out cold from boredom. How many times did your parents have to say to you, “Would you get up off the floor?” “I can’t. I’m so bored.” They do that scream whisper, “I said, GET UP…” They would grab your arm to try and pick you up, and you would just twirl around the floor like cooked spaghetti. “I can’t get up, Mom. I’m so sorry. I have no bones anymore from the boredom of this bank.” Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

What men want is to do whatever the hell stupid thing it is that we’re doing, and if you could please just leave me the hell alone and let me do it, I think we’ll both be a lot happier.

Gutter Ball You don’t think we’re horrible parents? You take a kid bowling now, they have these rails that come up out of the gutters. So when the stupid kid rolls the ball, it has to hit a pin. Has to. We eliminated the gutter ball. Nice preparation for life. I think the gutter ball is really the only life lesson a kid really needs to have. You either do the thing you’re doing right, or there’s a huge ka-klunk sound

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed

Well that's it, I give up. I really don't know what the women are thinking. I've talked with them. I've studied them. I've asked them to study me. And I have to admit I am still at aquare one.

I believe we're all secretly happy we can't figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.

All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other in life. This is the male code.

Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all.