Jackie Mason Quotes

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant, even if they wanted to be one?

As an adult, Jackie discovers a startling clue buried in her uncle’s lyrics—and realizes that she may be wrong about what happened that summer long ago.

​Jackie Mason once guested with Johnny Carson. Commenting about Hollywood, he noted that every movie he went to had a sex scene in it. For some reason or another they had to show people naked. Jackie Mason wondered why this was so. When he questioned it, people told him, “That’s what people do.” Jackie Mason said, “People eat soup, too, but I don’t see a bowl of soup in every movie.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

Not that it's a fraud. You need money to be in this business. But not a lot. You need more money to open a shoe-shine shop than you do to buy a $2 billion dollar company, let's be honest about it. But to buy a shoe-shine shop, if it costs $3,000, you need $3,000. If you don't get it in cash, you need to bring it in by Thursday. But if it's an LBO, not only do you not have to bring it, you don't have to see it, you don't know where you're going to get it, nobody knows where they got it from. The whole situation comes from absolutely nothing. But, the more you need of course, the less money you need. In other words, if there is money involved, you don't get involved in that business. This is a business for people who don't have money, but who know somebody who has money, but they don't put it up either....... - Quote from Jackie Mason